February 28, 2006

Top 20 - The Girls

By Tanya

Manic McPhee - Wow. I can't image two girls as different. Stevie - All In Love Is Fair. Nice but safe. Parts of that were really nasal. Eh, nice dirge. She's reminding me more and more of Mikalah Gordon.

Kinnik - We've already discussed Angelina Jolie, but her mannerisms reminded me of Lisa Rinna in that interview. Gretchen Wilson - Here For The Party. Cute. I actually liked that. Country without the twang. Not wow, but entertaining.

Lisa - Please fire whoever dressed you. Jackson 5 - Who's Loving You. Safe song, but she's doing it nicely and making it her own. I'm kinda digging the eyebrow. Nice. Very cool.

Melissa - Reba McIntyre - Why Haven't I Heard From You. Cool. Much better. Yeah, fun and I love her growly voice. Awesome. Like a cooler version of Sheryl Crow. Paula, please shut up, you yammering whore. She does need to connect, but I think she did, this time.

Heather - Take those fake eyelashes down a notch before you hurt someone, Divine. Mariah Carey - Hero. Not bad, just dry. Pretty in a way but it was a million miles away. Just too big a song for her. Um. Not unlike that rack.

Brenna The B - "Little shoulders, little pout, little porn star." Donna Summer - Let's Dance. Ok, this just sucks. Totally flat and dull. Hard to make a Donna Summer song boring. Drag queen karaoke without the fun.

Paris with the old lady hair. I do dig her fashion, tho, usually. Bette - Wind Beneath My Wings. Her voice is astounding. I hate to see her sing something so old, but it's gorgeous. And probably great for the intimidation factor. Yeah, what Simon said.

Ayla - Um. Her mom's a newscaster. And she doesn't know what foundation is? *cough*BULLSHIT*cough*. Celine - I Want You To Need Me. I think this would be really nice if I didn't have to watch the parkinsonesque twitching while she sings. Very pretty but very safeballadboringyawn.

Kelly - Ok, overly twee about Hollywood and the calamari, but cute. Bonnie Raitt - Something To Talk About. Not a great song choice. She's singing it well, but she's cute not smoky. Good, all things considered. "Organic?" Haha! (And she's Chatty Cathy again.)

Mandisa - The dog jaw thing was adorable from her. Faith Hill - Cry A Littte. The same grama hairdo doesn't look as old lady on her. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Was that a country song? That was hot.

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Girls Night Out, Part 2

By Michele

Welcome to another fun filled evening.

I'm thinking of making up an American Idol drinking game just go get me through until we reach the final ten or so.

Katherine was ok. No oomph, really, but it was sweet. Not enough to really make me applaud her, though.

Kinnik up, doing some country.

Something about her voice I don't like. It sounds like she's got something in the back of her throat. It's a fun song and she has a good stage presence, but I'm just not feeling the voice.

Lisa, my favorite girl, up next.

How cute is she?

I don't think she's as strong as she was last week, but she is still pretty damn awesome. And I still think she's the best girl there.

Melissa up. She's dressed like a high school slut. She sounds terrible. Don't like her voice, don't like her outfit.

I am in total disagreement with Randy and Paula. TOTAL. Do. Not. Like. This. Chick.

Heather up. I really don't like this song, and she is not doing anything special with it.

That was pretty damn boring.

Brenna is up.

Geez, are there any girls I like this season besides Lisa? Because I can't stand this one, etiher.

Too much looking at the camera.

She sounds like a Studio 54 cabaret act. ICK.

Holy shit, Brenna whipped out the Ego of Death!

Paris up. Lord, I despise this song.

I feel like she's struggling with this.

Ok, she's hitting it at the end, but this is stil not the Paris we saw at auditions. I keep waiting for her to pull something big out of her hat.

Ayla up. And, you guessed it, I don't like her. I am just a flower of happiness tonight.

She's pretty good though. I just don't see her as a pop idol, but I think this is the best performance so far tonight.

PICK PICKLER! is up next.

Need I say? I HATE HER.

She is flat. Not pitch flat, just feeling flat.

Nope, nope, nope. I thought it was lifeless.

Mandisa up.

Niiiiiiiiiiiiice.

This is what I've been waiting for. For someone to show some punch, sing their heart out. Everyone else looks like they were holding back compared to her.

Right now I think Brenna and Heather will be gone.

See you tomorrow.

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Today's Gossip

By Tanya

Ok, not today's, but...

Apparently [Simon Cowell] the recording industry mogul is so sick of hearing particular songs sung over and over again by American Idol contestants that he has taken steps to get them banned...

He said: "We've banned certain songs. Falling, Alicia Keys. I never want to hear that song again in my life. I cannot stand it. I'm allergic to it. And I Believe I Can Fly, R Kelly."

Ha! What songs would you ban? Let's hear it.

I'll start with any post-1980 Michael Jackson. Especially if it involves a glove or moonwalking.

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February 23, 2006

Voting Night I

By Michele

Please take a moment to peruse our hand-dandy LOSER chart on the right hand side.

I have a question. Has Randy Jackson done anything besides AI in like, oh, the last eight years or so? Is this his career?

I already know Paula has no life besides this and bedding underage contestants.

As Faith pointed out in the comments, Paula is sporting some major cleavage tonight. We think it's for Ace.

Ugh, I hate the group performances.

if anyone wants to get their predictions in, do it now!

Ohhhhh this is interesting. Brenna, Becky and Kinnik.

I really don't like Brenna and Becky, but I picked Kinnik to go.

Ohhhhh please be Becky.

Cool.

But I thought two girls go home?

I have to listen to her sing this again??

Ok, guys turn.

Elliot? He's a leprauchaun.

YES my people are safe.

And Bobby is gone.

I feel bad because he sang the song for his grandma.

Ian, in the comments: Bobby's gonna go home and shoot his grandma. Right between the eyes.

Aaaaaaaaand buh bye Stevie. No big loss.

yay, kevin and chris are safe!

The two guys I picked are left.

Aaaaaaand buh bye Patrick.

Two batteries for me tonight!!!

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Eliminations - Week #1

By Stacy

Oh yeah, elimination predictions...

Girls - Becky and Stevie

Boys - Gedeon and Bobby

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Elimination Predictions - 2/23

By Faith

Stevie & Heather

Sway (WTF was that?????) & Bobby (Oy vey, the last thing we need is another Scott Savol).

Bring on the batteries!

P.S. Anyone else think Kinnik looks like a black version of Angelina Joilie?

P.P.S. Wow, why did I really like Gedeon??? Tanya don't kill me!

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AI Gossip

By Stacy

Some hilarious AI gossip nibbles here. My favorite:

Kellie Pickler started out very nice, but the lowdown is that she's getting downright arrogant. Pickler told the chef, "You're lucky to be cooking for me." In fact, Pickler is so taken with herself that she belts out tunes in the hotel elevator.

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Elimination Prediction

By Tanya

Heather and Becky
Sway and Gedeon

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Tonight's Picks (aka The Race for the Batteries)

By Michele

Those of you who were with us last year will remember that battery reference. You will also remember that all Idol Tongue bloggers make their "go home" picks the day of a vote show.

So, for tonight's losers:

Guys - while my personal opinion is that Sway and Bobby had awful performances and do nothing for me and should go home, I'm going to say that America does not share my opinion and will send Patrick and Bucky home. Which is not all together a bad thing.

Girls- Yes, I'd love to see Ayla go home, but that's not going to happen for a long time. And Becky, bleh. She should definitely go, and I think she will. My guess is that Becky and Kinnik will wave bye-bye tonight.

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February 22, 2006

Boy's Night #1

By Stacy

Patrick - Dude, Melissa Etheridge called...she says you got no right sounding more like a girl than she does. Bleh.

David - Oh honey, SO the wrong choice. The husband and I are *still* over-enunciating the word "jellyfish" at each other, two hours later.

Bucky - What in the name of frigid hell is this stoner greaseball doing here? Did I miss something really freaking impressive in Hollywood week? Unpossible.

Will - Damn, this kid OWNED this song, the room, everything. The Peter Brady hair must GO, but fantastic performance.

Jose/Sway - Ugh, ugh and UGH. Thank you, Simon, for saying the word "pimp-y". That was just nasty and made me feel like I needed a shower. No, NOT a cold one.

Chris - This was a very good choice for him, showcased his raspy vocals. The performance was kind of wooden to me though, was he just petrified?

Kevin - Gads, I hate this song, this type of weepy music, but the kid definitely has talent, he didn't miss a note.

Gedeon - Never liked him, not from day one. Certainly not talented enough to be in the finals.

Elliot - Fine, fine vocal, yes, but please hurry him along to the rounds when the stylists will be available...because that scrub on his face has to GO.

Bobby - Oh. My. Gods. You know, Gramma's dead....she ain't going to notice if you do NOT slaughter Copacabana, thereby torpedoing your singing career before it even leaves drydock.

Ace - He lost some shine for me. There's no doubt he can sing, and this was a good choice, but I think it was overacted a great deal. It makes me snicker that he IS what Constantine *thinks* he is. Har.

Taylor - The judges all claim they want originality, well, they've got it in truckloads with Taylor. He's so very natural that everything he sings he makes his own, and it's so good that you can't remember what the original even sounded like. Officially updating my Successinator to Taylor.

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Top 24 - The Boys

By Tanya

Get ready, Ace-lickers. (You know I like the crooner.)

Patrick - Underdog city. Such a nice voice, but didn't get the coverage. Melissa Etheridge - Come To My Window. Nice but not exciting. Eh.

David - Cutie pie. Queen - Crazy Little Thing Called Love. Um. No. This is just goofy. People, please don't dump your niche on opening night. You'll have plenty of theme nights when you have to do that.

Bucky - Whoever. Someone please Clay-ize this guy. Skynard - Simple Man. Joy. You know what? I like him. I dig his voice. Raw, but there's obviously nice tone under there. Like *very* early Eddie Vedder. If he skipped the skynard, I'd listen to a cd from him.

Will - Nice, classical voice. Jackson 5 - I Want You Back. Wrong reason to pick a song, kiddo. That was actually really good, if I can seperate it from the cheese factor. Very entertaining.

Sway - Earth Wind and Fire - Reasons. Wow, his parents are rhythmless. Sway, honey, we discussed singing in falsetto during the auditions. Not that it wasn't groovy, but... no.

Chris - Love this guy. I've loved him since the commercials last year. Bon Jovi - Wanted Dead or Alive. Oh lordy. Hey, rockin'. The big hair bandness made me giggle like a 15-year old, but it was actually really hot. He's so awesome.

Kevin - I'm a little worried about that lisp, but he seems to cover it when he sings. Bryan McKnight - One Last Cry. Such a nice voice. I wouldn't have thought he could even begin to handle a song like this. I think he needs a few years, but I like him. Definite talent.

Gedeon - Isley Brothers - Shout. He has a great voice, but this definitely doesn't show it. Eh. Not bad, but he's no George Huff.

Elliot - You know, he's not one of my favorites. He has a good voice, and he's likable, but there's something off. Stevie - If You Really Love Me. That just didn't do anything for me. I like his voice, and it was very entertaining, but he just doesn't reach me.

Bobby - It is like he's drunk. Barry Manilow - Copacabana. $20 says Simon calls this "cabaret." Eh, this is not a song that shows off your voice. Entertaining, tho. Awesome. He's like a giant gay Tim Curry.

Ace - He is purty. Ugh. He's so backstreet boy / federov-lite. Nice smile, tho. George Michael - Father Figure. Good song choice. And nice voice. This would be an easy song to screw up. Rowr. I still don't share the licking thing, but that was smokin'.

Taylor - Love Taylor. Elton John - Levon. Love this song, but I'm afraid it'll be a bad choice. Nope. Doesn't show off his voice, but he rocked it out. Awesome. He just makes me smile so huge. Utterly unique.

Tough call tonight. I guess I'd cut Sway and Gideon.

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Where the boys are

By Michele

Boys night out, 2/22

Blah blah blah rehash of last night. I'll be with you when the guys actually start singing.

Patrick up first. This guy is an unknown entity to me.

Interesting song choice. And not a good one for him. Ok, is it just me? I didn't really care for that performance at all. It was blah.

David.

If you're gonna do a Queen song, this isn't the one to do.

I hate him. Wow. I am HATING on his voice right now. He sounds like a bird going through puberty.

That was awful, David. AWFUL.

Bucky up. Doing Skynyrd. At least it's not Freebird.
Bucky has groupies that look like Jersey escaped to Tennessee.

i see where he wants to go with this, but he's not getting there. Did not like this. 0/3 on my end tonight. And he's got this certain Beavis vibe going on.

Will up. I like Will!

His voice is way too young. I like it, and I want to like it more. But he needs to mature a bit. A few octaves deeper, a few years later, he will be smokin'. It was a fun performance, though and that can carry you a long way in AI. That and a really cute smile.

Sway up.

Ack. No. I am so not liking this. It's making my ears itchy.

My man Chris is up next.

He's doing BON JOVI? Rock on! I'm gonna go tease my hair for this.

Ohhhhh yea. I am loving this. And him. My favorite performance of the night so far. But I wanted to hear him say I SEEN A MILLION FACES, AND I ROCKED THEM ALL!!

* lighter out *

Kevin up. LOCAL BOY! I know people who know him!

He has a pretty mature voice for a kid, but his face - it's like a kewpie doll.

That was pretty damn good.

Gideon up.

Hmm. Odd song choice. I do like his voice a lot, and he's got a good personality. But I don't think this song is great for showing your stuff.

Elliot up.

Elliot is sounding very Love Boat tonight. I want to like him. He seems really likeable. But this performance, while good, is nothing special.

Ok, the judges and I heard two different things. Maybe I need to engage in some ear candling or something.

Bobby doing the worst song ever recorded in history.

Eh. I did not love that.

And the lickable Ace is up.

One million teenage girls just creamed their pants as they ran for the phone.

i don't think this song did much to show off his voice, but that's really a moot point. He's got the female 12-15 demographic vote.


Geez, I think Simon has the hots for him, too.

Taylor up next.

Oh, this is going to be a good song for him.

I'm sorry, but he freaks me out sometimes.

It's good, but I keep waiting for ...oomph.

Ok, I am voting for Chris tonight.

See y'all tomorrow.

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February 21, 2006

Girls Night #1

By Stacy

Ok, seriously late, but here goes...

Mandisa - I like her a lot, and applaud the song choice, but the entire performance was just sharp. She's going to have to do better.

Kelly - Tired of her already. And her voice is like one key on a piano being hammered over and over by a six year old. No depth.

Becky - I'm sorry but she's never going to be anything but a Maxim girl. I did absolutely cherish her look of dismay when Simon said, "the bod's a 10 but that ain't good enough here." She was completely bewildered..."why don't my tits work? Are these things even on???"

Ayla - This girl should be illegal...tall, gorgeous, athletic, and with a fantastic singing voice. I like her, but she's not really exciting.

Paris - Other than the tragic accessorizing, very good. She ain't Gladys, but then Gladys ain't even Gladys anymore. Someone needs to warn her of the dangers of tube tops during energetic performances, however.

Stevie - Hate, hate, hate everything about this girl. So much so that I'm officially changing my Failinator pick to her from the Freak McPhee. Bad performance, and even worse judge-suck-up-ing afterwards.

Brenna - If there is any justice in the world, this little chip-on-her-shoulder-havin' hoor will forget how to speak English and demand to be exported to Venezuela.

Heather - Decent enough singing job, if a bit wooden, and very bad song choice. Girlfriend needs to lay off the shoulder reps though before the Steelers attempt to sign her.

Melissa - She's the Jessica Sierra of this season: decent voice, instantly forgettable, will go much further than you think she ought.

Lisa - Fan-freaking-tastic, as always. Her breath control is simply astounding for someone her age. Unless she barfs up an actual lung she is going to be in the final two.

Kinnik - I spent her entire performance worried that she would accidentally swallow Seacrest. Elegant, yes, but much in the same way a well-funded tranny can be elegant. Never should have been chosen for this round.

Katharine - I had her in my Failinator until tonight. Tonight she took a song dear to my heart and p3ned it, so she gets a reprieve. At least until she does something else ickysticky that makes me want to shower with vodka and a sandblaster.

Bring on the boys! I've been declared an Ace-Licker, and sit ready to be proven completely wrong.

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But you can't pick your friend's nose

By Robyn

My first official "nails on a chalkboard" contestant of the year is...Kellie Pickler...

pickflick.jpg

Horrid performance aside, at the end of her segment she actually said "Pick Pickler" into the camera. This is not a student council election, honey. This is American Idol. And you are the weakest link. Goodbye. Failinator choice added!

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Top 24 - The Girls

By Tanya

First Girls' Night!

"No crying cowboys [awwww] and no Brittenum twins [yaaaaaay!]"

Ah, and the dogpound returns.

And we lose two tonight, so everyone's clear. (I wasn't sure.)

I hate Paula's hair like that. Oh, she's definitely tougher this year. Maybe not tougher to impress, but way more likely to admit she's not impressed. Thank god.

Cute flashback of girls going eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Oh, to be young and hyper.

Here we go!

Mandisa - Beautiful girl. And I think she's old enough at 29 for her weight to be ignored, than it would be if she was 19. Heart - Never. Rock it, girl! Not a "safe" song, which is awesome, and she's making it her own. Great start.

Kelly - She sure does cry a lot. Martina McBride - How Far. Not digging the country, but she's got spirit. The beginning is way out of her range. It's not as bad to try to sing too low, than too high, tho. This is a little safer. Pitchy at the end, but not bad for a first song, with those nerves. Man, she is chatty, isn't she?

Becky - That whole speech sounded very rehearsed. Patti Smith - Because the Night. Again with the singing too low. Sometimes you have to pick a song that sounds good on you, instead of one you love. I'm embarrassingly fond of this song, and I don't like what she's doing to it. Nope, not doing anything for me. She's very dramatic.

Ayla - I'll bet that underbite really hurts. Xtina Aguilera - Reflection. Can I just take a moment here to tell you how much I hate coulottes? A few bad notes, but she has a great voice, and she's very believable without being icky sincere. Very strong.

Paris - She's just so likable. Gladys - Midnight Train to Georgia. *Very* entertaining and well performed, but I'd like to see something that showcases her amazing voice instead of just her personality, after Hollywood week. Very confident and fun.

Stevie - Opera girl. "Moonbirds" fly? Josh Groban - To Where You Are. Why's she singing so soft? This isn't a lullaby, honey. Eh. Bad choice.

Brenna the Bitch. And I mean that in the nicest possible way. How convenient that her name starts with a B. - Ok, I don't hate her so much after the thing about her mom. Stevie - Sunshine of my Life. Quit with the coulottes already. Eh. Boring. Not badly sung, but utterly forgettable.

Heather - She's cute . "I watch it like a stalker." Coco Lee - When You Tell Me That You Love Me. Oy. Bo-o-o-o-oring. Boring, boring, boring. Why do they do such blah songs when it's so important to be memorable? And yes, like Simon said, overly enunciated.

Melissa - Bad choice admitting she's a "beauty queen" so you just have to analyze her faintly rat-like features. And another nice move, admitting you hate your job on national tv. I like her voice, tho. It doesn't blow me away, but it's very rich and smoky. Much nicer than many of the girls. (I guess we find out now, how much prior coverage counts.)

Lisa - Love this chick. Jennifer Holliday - I Am Changing. Wow. Damn, girl. Outstanding. That gave me chills.

Kinnik - Anyone else immediately think of Grease when you hear her name? Oleta Adams - Get Here. Wow. Gorgeous and smooth. Very old fashioned voice. Absolutely stunning. Not perfect but very well done. She actually gave me chills too.

Manic McPhee - Barbra Streissand - Since I Fell For You. Danger! Danger! No one's ever does Babs successfully on this show. She has such a great voice. Really well done, and she made it her own. It was a little old and dry for her, but she's definitely got cojones. Very nice.

If there's any justice in the world - and anyone who's seen previous seasons knows there's not - Heather and Becky will go home. (No, I'm not calling out my failinator pick yet.)

Join us tomorrow for The Boys!

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Ladies Night

By Michele

Here we go, finally the good stuff.

Just for the record, my favorite girl is Lisa.

See, two hours just isn't necessary. I don't care about all this crap. Just let me hear them sing.

Ok, first up. Mandisa.

I want to like her. I really do. And her voice is good, but I just don't think it's special enough. That was a good performance, though.

She really is so sweet, isn't she?

Kellie up.

Is it me or is the synching off again, like it was last year?


Oh, I don't think I care for her very much. Something about her voice I just don't like. Nasally, childhish.

Becky up.

Interesting song choice. I don;'t think she can pull it off.

And she is NOT pulling it off. She sucks.

She is DESTROYING this song.

My daughter says she makes faces like Beavis. That was a god damn disgrace.

Ayla coming up. I'll say right off the bat that I haven't liked her since the first time I saw her at auditions.

Yea, she has a nice voice. But man, I just can't get past my initial reaction to her.

Eh, that was kind of dull.

Paris is up.

I loved loved loved her at auditons but I think she brought it down a notch in Hollywood.

This is good. very good. How freaking cute is she?

Stevie up next.

Eh, I am not overwhelmed. At all.

Ok, im gonna miss the next singer. Back in a bit.

Ok, back. Who did I miss? (it's 9:24 now)

Meliss up.

I like her voice. It's deep, throaty. Don't know if it's a winnable voice, but it sounds like a radio-friendly voice.

Lisa coming up. My favorite girl.

For a 16 year old, she's got a great stage presence.

Oh I really dig her. She might have missed one or two notes. But she has clearly got the talent. She wowed them!

Kinnik up.

It's nice. It's soulful. it's good. But I'm not totally wowed.

Katherine up. I know Stacy does NOT like her. But I like her simply because I think she has total drama queen potential. We need drama!

I don't like her stage movements. She looks like an awkward chicken.

Ok, that was good. But it was also very ordinary. Nothing we haven't heard before, nothing that makes me stand up and applaud. I am going to disagree with Simon. There is NO WAY she was better than Lisa. No. Freaking. Way.

I am voting for Lisa.

So excited for the guys tomorrow night!

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February 16, 2006

Sooo...

By Stacy

Does anyone besides me want to lick Ace?

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The Final 24

By Michele

Guys

Ace Young
Bobby Bennett
Bucky Covington
Chris Daughtry
David Radford
Elliott Yamin
Gedeon McKinney
Jose Penala
Kevin Covais
Patrick Hall
Taylor Hicks
William Makar

Gals

Ayla Brown
Becky O'Donahue
Brenna Gethers
Heather Cox
Katharine McPhee
Kellie Pickler
Kinnik Sky
Lisa Tucker
Mandisa Hundley
Melissa McGhee
Paris Bennett
Stephanie Scott

Anyone have favorites already?

My short list so far includes:

Ace (yea, just because he's adorable)
Kevin (just because he's local)
Chris ( love his personality, his style of singing and his voice)
Katherine (great voice, great personality, fun to watch)
Elliot (he's a long shot to go too far, i like to have an underdog in the race)
Lisa Tucker (great range, doesn't scream when she sings)
Taylor (so much fun and unique voice)
Will (too young to reall make it too far, but he's got a sweet voice and he';s charming)

I know everyone loves Paris and thinks she'll make it to the top three. I'm not saying she won't, she's just not one of my favorites. She's got a great voice, but I don't think she can swing too many varieties of music styles and that will be her downfall.

Anyone?

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February 15, 2006

Hollywood Nights

By Michele

Start the commentary without me. My family is here and I'm trying to get rid of them.

Ok, so we're getting the NOs out of the way quickly here.

This is the girl I liked. Katherine. Sounds meh now.

She made it. cool. I think she'll be fun.

Ace. I liked this guy too. He's cute.

Awww yea, another week to see that smile.

Simon takes great joy in playing the "let's drag it out" game.

Ok here comes the crooner guy. I don't like him. He's just...too much.

Eh, he won't last more than a week.

Man, he's good. I wish I could keep track of the names. Sorry. The Fu Manchu guy.

And Elliot gets through. Good, I like him.

I do NOT like this chick. Brenna.

Ok, she'll make for some interesting drama at least.

Where you all at tonight??

Gideon? Too much. Again.

Shows you what I know.

You know, I just don't like anyone tonight. That's what happens when you have too much family in your house at once. You get cranky.

Hah, my favorite guy is stuck in the elevator!

/cue Love in an Elevator

I am totally smitten with his voice.

YAY!!!!!!!

April, I like her. Of course, she doesn't go through.

I knew the pretty one would get in. I don't think her voice is as good as April's.

Kevin, my local boy,,,,

Long Island represent! Yay!

Paris, who didn't know she'd make it?

And, the douchebag duo. The taping finally catches up to the current events. Bye, bye jackasses.

Well, Kelly made it but there's no way she's going to win. A blonde twangy chick two years in a row? No way.

Taylor: So I love this guy's voice and I like his personality, but there's just something off about him. I don't think I can take a couple more weeks of looking at him. I seriously think he's missing a chromosome or something.

I like William better here.

Yay William!

Ok, next week the fun begins. Y'all better show up and join us.

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February 14, 2006

Hollywood, Take 2

By Michele

Welcome to another night of "who the hell was that?" and "can we please never see that person again?"

Oh, Simon is going to be belligerent and nasty? You don't say! Holy shit!

Oohh group night. I like this. Good cat fights and bickering.

These guys are still with us? I want to cockpunch them. Hard.

I have to admit I'm half paying attention tonight, have some things going on here. Feel free to flow with the commentary.

Oh my god, these people sound horrible together.

And hey, Happy VDay to you all!

I thought Paris sound really off.

I don't even know half these people. This guy sonds flat. And Elliot looks like a deranged Eminem.

Ugh, is it me or does everyone sound like they're singing without any heart?

Oh here he goes, whinewhinewhinewhine, not my fault. Blah blah, go start a Myspace and cry about it you pansy dolt.

The geek with the glasses is a local boy. Go Long Island! They were good!

And here's the other half of the Whine and Whinge twins.

Your spirit is broken? I think your manhood is broken, dude. Look into that.

You mean you want to go home and engage in some identity theft, no?

They're gonna make a horror movie about these guys one day.

And now it's the diva turn for bitching.

Wow, that chick's face was shiny.

Ok, that was a whole lot of mess.

I'm about to change the channel. I don't want to listen to this douche bag anymore.

She sounds like she's doing karate while she sings.

Punch this chick. In the mouth.

Brokeback Idol?

This is retarded. I'm sorry. It just is.

Oh just get these twins the fuck out of here.

Ok, so cowboy can really only sing one type of music. And this ain't it.

Yay, we're finally getting down to the real contestants. it's THE ROOM moment!

YESS my baldie guy made it!

And my local boy made it too!

Ohh, so they make more cuts tomorrow. That's different, I think?

Place your bets now. Top 24 is tomorrow.

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February 08, 2006

Hollywood!

By Michele

Get out the scorecards and start taking names. The auditions are finally over and the good stuff begins.

Ah, the hard luck story gal. Kelly Pickler. Reminds me way too much of Carrie Underwood.

And Kelly and some people we don't know are through to the next round.

I really hate when Paula has that "swoon" look on her face. And Patrick Hall goes through.

It's the playa's turn.

I really want to stick my palm in Paula's face. She has to stop with the googly eyes.

Wow. Simon is NASTY.

Poor Ronnie. Go model underwear or something.

I don't like Lisa as much as I did the last time I heard her.

How the hell did some of these people get through to Hollywood??

I think Paula is back on the crack. Or ludes. Or something not natural.

Ok, Ashley. Exit, stage left.

Wow, the auditions were more craptastic than we realized.

Paris! My favorite so far.

Taylor. Something about him I didn't like at auditions. But I bet he makes it to the top ten.

I feel really really sorry for Megan. They should let her through. She obviously has the chops.

Yay! I'm so happy for her.

I bet these twins would beat the shit out of each other if it meant getting through.

I'm confused. They were supposed to have been kicked off the show after they got arrested (edit, doh this was filmed before they were arrested.)

Eh, they're douchebags anyhow. Pardon my french.

bring on the weirdness, I'm bored. Where's jumping guy?


Oh my god this is excruciating.

Ok, it's me. Apparently all these people are great, and I just don't realize it.

Another set of twins bites the dust.

The Crying Cowboy schtick is starting to annoy me. This dude is going to be the bane of my American Idol existence while he's still on the show.

I LIKE THIS BALD DUDE!

Oh, I liked this girl. Yea, she's GOOD.

And here's Dave.

OH. MY. GOD. Meatloaf.

Wow. That was........interesting. I bet he's looking not to be American Idol, but to get his own tv show.

So my favorites so far are Chris the bald guy and that chick whose name I can't remember.

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Now where have I seen those twins before?

By Michele

Ohhhh yes. In the slightly risque, oh-so-slutty, bordering on sister-on-sister action Maxim photo shoot. Or Fear Factor. The girls have been around the block. And probably a stripper pole or two.

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February 07, 2006

Finally, Boston

By Michele

Thank jeebsu. The last night of this crap.

Yay. A night of Boston accents and Red Sox caps. There better be one superb singer here tonight to make up for me sitting through this.

Mr. Patriot: Can't. Stop. Laughing.

Is he flipping gangsta signs? No, he's just spastic.

Simon is trying hard to look like he cares.

I don't like this chick. Something about her face.

Oh man. I DO. NOT. LIKE. HER. She irritated the hell out of me.

Flower in hair chick: I think she has a hairball. Seriously, she sounded as if she was about to cough up a ball of phlegm.

Holy hell. Someone shoot her and put her out of her misery. Something tells me her real line of work involves a pole and body shots.


Nevermind. Just shoot ME.

More twins? Where the hell are the triplets? I demand equal time for triplets!

And tonight is What Do Strippers Do In Their Spare Time night.

Ugh. She did NOT deserve that. Bet if she was fugly she'd be cursing out in the hallway at Seacrest right now.

Is that a freaking carpet on her head? Or a dog? Fusilli?

She totally whored up to Randy and he fell for it. Another mediocre voice goes through to Hollywood.

These little vignettes are a waste of time. They could be showing us some GOOD contestants instead.

This chick is going to be a clown at children's birthday parties some day.

Alright, missy. Back to the rehab center with you.

Ohmygod, he sounds like Danzig meets Elvis on ludes.

Is it me or is his nose crooked?

SHUT THE FUCK UP already. Jeez.

Hey, I think GWAR is up next!


He's got a nice voice, but it's like...a church voice.

I had no idea anyone else remembered Joy to the World.

GWAR!!!!!!

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Ten minutes left of teh suckfest! Then we get to watch Hollywood episodes where we know next to no one because they never show us the majority of the people who make it through.

What the world needs now is NOT another Clay Aiken.

Sooooooo anyone up for a mercy killing?

I think they should make him pee on the stage. It would be more interesting, at least.

Oh geez, this is GAY. And I don't mean that in a Judy Garland kind of way.

Did he have a TAIL?


IT'S OVER!!!!!!!!!!

See you tomorrow for the first Hollywood show. I'm not sticking around for the montage.

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February 01, 2006

Day 6: February 1 (Austin)

By Michele

Yay. Another night of torture. Another night of weight jokes, bad gimmicks, terrible singers, fashion disasters, mockery and clowns.

Help us Austin, you're our only hope!

Oh yippee. Gymnastics. Ok, the guy's flexible. Now stand up and sing.

Oh just fucking shoot me if I have to sit through an hour of this.

I thought there were supposed to be talented people in Austin!

Holy shit this chick is a MESS.

I am now going to stab my eardrums with a fork.

I think her braces have braces.

I'm drinking for this one. Can't sit through another 45 minutes sober.

"I consider myself to be a good embalmer." There's a pickup line if I ever heard one.

That wasn't terrible.

Holy shit. WHY do these people think they can sing?

I'm really really really really really really really bored with the crapfest of wannabes they keep showing. Show me something good, damn it!


Ok, if Captain Morgan can't make this show better, all hope is lost.

Ummm nope. Not making it better. Maybe I should move on to vodka.

Oh great. Another half retarded guy.

Ok ricky, save us.

Oh yessss Ricky has a smooooooooth voice. Wow, I'm swooning.

aaaaand cue the shallow bitch.

Prediction: she's going to make it to Hollywood and she will be the source of much drama.

Oh wow, forget it. She wasn't as great as she made herself out to be.

What? They are going to let her through because they like her, but not her voice? That was a total "she has the looks" pick. My prediction still stands.

This guy annoys the piss out of me. I've known guys like him. They have small dicks.

I hope he SUCKS.

Meh.

Paula wants to bone him.

prediction 2: smug guy and fit chick cause a scandal.

WTF? Kill me.

This season has made me miss Scooter Girl.

And she's back.

And she still sucks.


DID you see that look on Paula's face?? He's 16 GIRL!

Paula only said no to him because she's afraid she won't be able to stop herself from knocking on his hotel room door to give him "singing lessons."

What's wrong with this chick's mouth?

No, check that. What's wrong with her?

I ask, for the tenth time, DO THESE PEOPLE NOT HAVE FRIENDS AND FAMILIES TO KEEP THEM FROM SHAMING THEMSELVES ON NATIONAL TV?? WHO TELLS THESE PEOPLE THEY ARE GOOD? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP LYING TO YOUR LOVED ONES, AMERICA!

What Simon was just trying to say was "stick 50lbs of shit in a 20lb bag"

12 PEOPLE MADE IT AND WE WERE MADE TO SIT THROUGH THIS FESTIVAL OF SHIT??

*sobs*

Ohmygod. We have another night of this to go? I think I have to clip my toenails next Tuesday at 8. Don't know if I'll be here.

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