January 31, 2006

Day 5 - January 31: Vegas, Baby, Vegas

By Michele

Welcome to Las Vegas. Tonight is, thankfully, only one hour long.

And we start the night off with a bad pun from a Rastfarian. Who is probably not a Rastafarian or Jamaican.

Sounds like a bad Sublime impersonation. Guy's a tool. Out of all the gimmicks we've seen, this one was the lamest.

Oh, tears. Should have thought of that before you put on the wig, mon.

And the psychic's sister is here. I predict.............NO. She's a mess. The hair is terrible, the outfit is sloppy and the voice is a wreck.

And now a belly dancer. Doesn't anyone just....sing? She looks like she stole the hat from a big headed train conducter.

And another female makes it through. She has a sweet voice. Nice, nothing wow.

Ok, this dude is high.

HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!!! This is awesome. If you're gonna make an ass of yourself, go all the way. That was my favorite fake audition EVER. Totally took me by surprise.

Jail chick: Wow. I am digging this.

Good on Simon. You need some variety. Not every girl can be a "belt it out" R&B chick.

Have I mentioned that I've really begun to hate these audition shows?

He was decent, but....bland. No oomph.

Oh jesus it's the crazy guy. And he's got a mullet. Aaaaand hello, goodbye!

Ohmygod. This guy is going to be found dead under a pile of animal carcasses and feces in ten years.

is that Brylcream or grease in his hair? And off he goes, back home to his 75 animals, his girlfriend and his hidden collection of Hummells.

Oh yay. More twins. They seem more likely to be on a Disney show. Either that, or look for them in an FHM layout soon.

Ok, this dork reminds me of Matthew Lillard in Can't Hardly Wait. Slightly aloof, slightly retarded.

After seeing this stretch of auditions, I suddenly have more understanding about why Simon, Paula and Randy are so short tempered.

is he wearing a crown of thorns? Or is that a ring of grease?

Ohjumpingjesus. I hate this song, I hate his voice, I hate this show.

I autmotically hate people who compare themselves to Aretha. I hate anyone named Princess, too.

Holy hell, there go the wine glasses.

Did she say she's a perfectionist? NOT.

Was that dude riding an invisible motorcyle?

The funniest part of that was the chick who cursed was singing the Cake version of the song.

This guy reminds me of someone. You know, that guy. Alan someone. Arkin?

He looks like someone is punching him in the nuts as he sings.

But he's pretty good. Not spectacular, but good. And he'll never be the "American Idol" with that face.

And that's another wrap. See y'all tomorrow.

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January 27, 2006

Idol News: Goodbye Twins, Hello 14 more minutes for Rhonetta

By Michele

Terrell and Derrell have said goodye to Hollywood:

The "American Idol" twins accused of identity theft say they've been booted off the show.

A lawyer for Derrell and Terrell Brittenum, arrested earlier this month but now free on bail, says the identical-twin brothers have been "uninvited" from the show.

"It was an amicable breakup," the lawyer, Maurice Bennett, said on an Atlanta radio station. "The guys understood why. It's amazing how these things work."

More on them here.

And our favorite trash talking, Lil' Kim wannabe Rhonetta has garnered herself a fan club.

It's only a matter of time before she's got her own talk show. Look out, America.

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January 25, 2006

Day Four - San Francisco

By Tanya

Hmmmm. LaToya and Nadia were both from San Francisco? The two girls who got unceremoniously scrapped for refusing to beg for votes? A coincidence I know, but...

Heidi. Whoa. Stunning voice, but she sure doesn't look like the opera type. I would've liked to see them give her a chance.

Shawn Vasquez. Ah. (I see what you did there) They're messing with us. Usually the long, nice, humble interviews are the ones who get thru. *cringe* Why don't they listen to me when I say loud!=good?

Sway's a cutey. Very smoov. And they are pushing the boys.

Yeah, I love Lauren too. Lotsa soul, girl.

Wolfie - Yep. Mindgame night. Oy gevalt.

Hey, Randy's getting a lot more honest. About time.

John Williams. He is so neat looking. Someone should totally paint him. Did I mention they're pushing the boys?

Katherine. Pretty. Good song. I hate her facial expressions, but her voice is nice. Very strong. (And I pick her to be the whiny drama queen of the season.)

Why, why would you quit your job for an interview? God no. Please not poetry. Please. We'll never hear the end of it. And stop playing with your wig. That was awesome of Simon to get her job back, tho.

Shawna - Awesome song. Hate to see a sixteen year old sing it. She does have a nice voice.

Marcus Phillips - Singerdancerbeatboxentertaineroncrack. We discussed falsetto, honey.

Jayne Santayana - Nice. Not thrilling or anything, but quite nice. I wonder if Simon's in a bad place acoustically in that room?

Deborah Dawn - If she's 27, I'm Elvis. She got in on her daughter's ID. Eh, not bad but whatever.

Manuel - Ugh. Is this over yet?

No. the chick with the black Rogue hair and neon green contacts got thru? She annoyed me in 2 seconds flat.

Well, Lost's on. See you next week.

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Auditions 4 - January 25

By Michele

Ready for another round of bitches, hos and insults interspersed with a few good singers?

It's Snow White! I think she's about to sing to the woodland creatures.

So she can sing opera, but not pop. And what I mean is what Simon said. Her pop voice is meh.

Shawn just broke my front window. The cat is going nuts. I swear. She just arched her back and started hissing at the tv.

Sway: Ok, it's getting harder and harder to judge these people. They are all starting to sound the same to me. I'm waiting for someone to knock me off my feet (like Paris last night). Everyone just seems.....underwhelming.

Matthew: Sounds like he not only has a sinus infection, but needs an inhaler.

Discharge guy: If I close my eyes, I think I'm watching a cartoon. That was the equivalent of puking on the stage. He just vomited up every single act he had in him.

YES?? What the HELL is going on here? Ok, that is my BIGGEST WTF moment of this show.

Katherine: Finally. A voice that grabs me. Her voice is smokin' hot. Sexy.

"And Simon throws a fit!" Uhh..doesn't he throw a fit every season?

Shalisha: I think she is masturbating with her voice.

That was.........interesting. And Simon did something NICE.

Pippi Longstocking: The father was creepy. "She's teaching me some things..."

Marcus: My poor cat is taking an aural beating tonight.

This show has hit new lows in suckage. I don't know how I'm going to make another hour of this.

Jane: Sweet voice. Cute face. Glad she got through, but I don't expect her to go too far.

Randy's feeling a bit belligerent tonight.

Bride of Frankestein! She looks like she's 40, at the very least. And I don't like her tone or style.

Ok, let's get the drama llama portion of the show over with. I'm going to go load the dishwasher while they pretend like this isn't scripted.

Manuel: It's the lesser known Gotti brother.
Ohjesusonapogostick someone just shove a shoe down his throat.

OHTHANKBLOODYCHRIST IT'S ONLY AN HOUR!!!!!!

See ya next week!

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Popular = Target

By Stacy

Ooohh, I just have to sink my teeth into this horseshit... It seems that several *coff* activist groups have their panties in a bunch over how some of the...how shall we put this...less talented members of their constituency are coming off in Idol competition.

Exhibit A:


Last week's season premiere of the talent search drew the ire of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation, after both Simon Cowell and Randy Jackson made remarks that the activist group characterized as offensive.

They're referring specfically, boys and girls, to several of the contestants from Denver who appeared to be neither (boy nor girl), such as our friend Zachary, and others whose extremely forgettable performances have led me to, er, forget them.

All I have to say is if the Jimmy Choo knockoff fits, you should definitely elbow the yeasty bitch from the next trailer park over right in her beer gut and wear it, sista!

Not to be outdone, Exhibit B:

Niger Innis, national spokesman for the Congress of Racial Equality (CORE), told TMZ.com that the group was concerned about Idol's treatment of people of color.

"American Idol is part of an entertainment culture that often makes blacks look like a bunch of clowns," Innis said.

Nooo, honey, that'd be your actual people of color who are acting like clowns. See "Ronetta", et al.

And last but not least, Exhibit C:

Meanwhile, the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance (NAAFA) is upset over Cowell's persistant jabs at overweight contestants.

"I have mixed feelings about American Idol," Peggy Howell, NAAFA'S public-relations chairperson, told TMZ.com. "We saw how far Ruben Studdard has gone because of the show. However, Simon Cowell continues to make rude remarks about overweight and obese contestants."

Reality check, Peggy... Ruben Studdard has a VOICE, ergo success! I agree that fat jokes are fairly low-rent (and have even commented as such already this season), but we've never thought Senor Simon to be the sharpest tool in the shed. (He's just an average tool.) So, that'd be one big-headed Limey with the issue, not the show, eh, you bandwagoning cow?

A note to all of the above: LIGHTEN THE FUCK UP! Or, y'know, change the channel. What are you, a bunch of cripples?

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January 24, 2006

Idol + Springer = YES!

By Faith

Sabrina really did look like she belongs on Springer. And I should know, I watch several hours of Springer a day.

OK doesn't Paula have enough contestant scandal issues that she shouldn't be slow dancing with them on screen? And, um, threesoming? Um....jeez.

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Day Three

By Tanya

And so, with Sabrina, begin the "y'alls." Oh, and the loud != goods. ("Y'all stole mah sistah" cracked me up! I'm amazed that Simon can do a southern accent.)

How much weight has Randy gained back? Not all of it, but he had gastric bypass less than two years ago. Ow.

Cachet sounded to me like she might have a voice underneath the pitch and key and pace problems. With a lot of training maybe.

Kelly Pickler is a cutie pie! "Mascara down to my ankles." What a sweetheart. Stunning voice, and she's not "loud" she's strong. Ok, currently she's my pick to win.

If Shawn shaved, aged 20 years, and bought a jacket that fit, he might be hot. Yes. I was thinking wedding singer, but I'd buy singing waiter.

Richard Garland. Somebody brought a ventriloquist dummy last year. Yawn. Creepy and yawn. Hey. At least he brought a voice too. Well, meh. He should come back with a real song.

Ronda. *whimper*

Sarge. I guessed from the interview that he was going to really suck. I really want to hate him, but I can't quite manage. He has such a charming personality. For a schmuck. And I love me some Marvin. His wife's adorable too.

This is the weirdest show.

Who does Halicia look like? Angela Bassett? Nice! Go mama.

Donny: Ouch. Somebody needs to kneecap the vocal coach.

Kendra. Damn, started college with three kids and got herself out of public housing? Tough chick. And she does have Tyra's eyes. Nice voice. Not exciting, but good. But I love her attitude and sense of humor.

Kenneth. Nah. Community opera. But, what do I know?

Chonna's on her coffee break from the pussycat lounge. Not a bad voice, really.

Brandon. Please stop with the hiccup.

Jeffrey "Ryan" - Not exciting but good. Nicely calm but not quite narcoleptic.

Cedric. Honey, no. We discussed falsetto last week.

Paris... Whoa. Holy Hannah. God, she gave me chills. Her speaking voice kills me, but.... Yes yes yes! Do Billie! Wow. I'd like to change my vote.

Marcus. "Approximately three?" Could you narrow that down? God, I actually did that the first time I ever auditioned for a musical in school. Exactly that. But I was nine.

And speaking of narcoleptic... Jimmy. You know how vinyl records would get a little bit warped and make that "wobble" sound?

Sammy. Heh. It's Matt from The Biggest Loser. Before he stopped drinking. In near-drag.

Tyra is very cute. Beautiful voice. She looks like someone too. Uma Thurman?

Seth. Ah. Someone please slit my wrist.

Jordan - Nice pseudo-fireman. Cool tone. He's likeable enough.

Rhonette "always dresses.... nice like this." Up next, an interview with her priest for confirmation on that. Please, for the love of all that's holy, suck it in. Yeah, sweetie, we'll see you on tv soon. In deep throat 14.

See y'all tomorrow.

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Auditions 3, January 24th

By Michele

Ready to roll for night 3!

Like I said last night, I've had enough of these ridiculous auditions from people who know damn well they suck, but just want to get their faces on tv. I want to see the GOOD stuff this time! And the mouths on these chicks this year! Wow.

Oh great. A shower singer. Aren't we all?

I will repeat the Tanya mantra: screaming != singing

Haha the Over the Rainbow chick sounds just like Salad Fingers

Blah blah hard life blah blah. Can you SING?! I don't do pity picks.

Owen in the comments makes a good point - she's Carrie Underwood.

Oh man. This guy in the suit is a douche bag. Eh, he can carry a tune, but he's not doing anything for me.

Simon sure has got his nasty on early this season. Ok, the little brother is an even bigger douche bag.

Ohmysweetjesus. I hate ventroliquists.

He has an ok voice, but the dummy has made me hate him.

Pink hat girl sounds like an elf who was kicked in the nuts.


I think Paula just came in her pants. Someone needs to wipe her seat down.

I think I'm just jaded after four years. No one is thrilling me.

Ok, that mouth thing cracked me up. I think I like this chick. Alisha? I don't remember her name.

Again, I ask: WHY DO THE FAMILIES OF THESE PEOPLE ENCOURAGE THEM? That's just cruel.

This Whitney chick is giving me a headache and she hasn't sung yet.

Ok, this show is getting really boring and predictable. I know exactly who Paula and Randy are going to pick each time. Is it me or are the people they're picking to go through just average?

Oh. My. Chase.

Wow, his singing voice is very different than he speaks. And he goes through!

Simon is such a dick.

It's a Vegas showgirl!

Did she just say her mom is a stripper? A vampire stripper maybe?

Hey, I think that was Lil Kim!

WTF is he hiccuping??

It's Crocodile Dundee!

I think I dig Ryan.

Holyjumpingjesus. I think a whale just died.

The Dixie Chicks girl (Paris) speaks like Lisa Simpson, but man she can sing. Her and Ryan are going on my short list. I really, really like her.

Put this guy out of his misery.

Ok, let's move on already. This is a waste of my time. YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS LIED TO YOU, MARCUS!

Doing Karaoke is not a pre requisite for singing well. Infact, it probably means you don't.

He looks like he had a three week bourbon bender recently.

personality of a hippo? Simon is running out of insults. And back to the karaoke bar for Jimmy.

Ok, this one looks like the dude from Coheed and Cambria - if he was a girl.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say Sammy's there on a dare.

Ohmygod, I think we are gonna get a shot of Ronetta's cooter. Someone get me a blindfold. Or a drink.

Nice song choice by Tyra. I dig her.

They're really overdoing it on highlighting the effeminate men this year.

Ok, the Michael Jackson guy? President of the drama club. there to prove to his friends he could get on tv. He'll record the show, make 43 copies of it, and mail one to all his relatives. It will be the closest he ever comes to being an actor.

Ok, enough with Ronetta clips already. Just cut to the chase and show us her skankeriffic act.

Oh for christsake. This whole uniform thing is just ridiculous. This is like the tenth guy in a uniform.

His voice hurts me. Paula is going to like him.

Is it me or have they let the suckiest people through this year so far? That dude was Sucky McSuckerton.

Ronetta: A girl in search of a pole.

Or crack.

This is painful and unecessary. If i wanted to see this shit, I'd walk into any courtroom at work on hooker day.

Yea, we'll see you on tv, Ronetta. America's Most Wanted, maybe.

"You think I'm gonna drink off you? I get paid big bucks for that at Madame Chang's House of Fun, woman!" Well, at least we didn't have to see her cooter.

And that wraps up the longest two hours of my life.

See you all tomorrow night.

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January 23, 2006

Catching Up

By Michele

I finally got around to watching the first two Idol episodes.

After four years of this, the opening shows have become predictable. We had, as if on cue:

  • The over confident, boastful contestants who sucked harder than a Hoover.
  • The seriously deluded contestants whose families and friends for some odd reason led them to believe they could sing.
  • The sassy people with attitude
  • The bitter bitch
  • The "I have a gimmick" contestants
  • Twins
  • The people who think screaming = singing
  • The obviously fake over-the-top contestants

And, as in the past four years, Simon is still a smug, pompous asshole who is one nasty comment away from being downright creepy; Paula still looks very much like the bride in Sixteen Candles who had overdosed on muscle relaxant (and she still can't give someone a negative review without throwing in a goofy compliment) and Randy still comes out with the phrases that make me cringe.

I used to love these audition shows. It just seems agonizing now. I can't wait to get on with the real stuff.

On my "people to watch" list: Zachary (cute crooner), Lisa Tucker (she's going to end up being a favorite) and Chris (the guy with the cowboy hat who sang The Letter).

Back tomorrow to live blog alongside my fellow Idolers.

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January 20, 2006

Idol Bonus

By Stacy

For those of us who eschewed Idol until the middle of season 3, syndication is right around the corner...

IN WHAT IS LIKELY THE shortest window ever for a first-run network TV hit, "American Idol" is already going into syndication. The first season of the show, dubbed "American Idol Rewind," has already been cleared on Tribune and Sinclair stations covering 55 percent of U.S. TV homes and nine of the top 10 markets.

Yay?

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January 19, 2006

And Speaking of Felons...

By Tanya

Jessica Sierra, last season's neckless blonde (you may recall) has got herself a stalker! Lucky her.

Police said [Daniel Robert Young, 59] had placed at least 38 voice mail messages since mid-September telling Sierra, 20, that he loves her and willing to go to jail for her.

"It was like the more I stopped answering my phone and stopped talking to him, he got even more mad," Sierra said. "He was like, `Answer your damn phone when I call you.'"

When he arrived in Tampa on Tuesday from California, Young called Sierra's cell phone twice and asked her to pick him up, police spokeswoman Laura McElroy said.

"I told him, `I'm not coming to pick you up,'" Sierra said. "He said, `If you don't come pick me up, I'm taking a cab to your grandparents' house.'"

Ahhh, young love. Nah, she got on my very last nerve, but no one deserves this kind of crap. The police picked him up when he arrived at the house (!!) and booked him on a fluffy little misdemeanor with minimal bail, until they found out he already has a record.

Young was charged with battery resulting in serious bodily injury in October and with assault with a firearm in 2001, the prosecutor said.

Yikes.

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First Week Review

By Broken

I wonder if Randy has curbed his use of the word "Dawg". I tried to listen to see if he'd belt out with a few, but I didn't spot any during my casual viewing.

At any rate, no one has really impressed me or weirded me out yet. Well, except maybe for Captain Androgynous last night. He's such a sensitive boy...errr, girl...errr...whatever. The rest have just been blah.

The cowboy kid from Wyoming who croons with the turkey's might be fun to watch. I was convinced that Simon wanted to get him to Hollywood so he could get a few free voice lessons. Clearly the kid or his family couldn't get them on their own. There might be something there, but I thought that was really decent of Simon to do that. At least that's how I perceived it.

So, welcome back to season 5. Let the dishing commence.

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The Felon Dance

By Stacy

It was inevitable. Some of the bright shining pure-at-heart youngsters currently trying to fulfill their lifelong dreams of becoming popular music stars...are instead the usual assortment of freaks, losers and wannabe felons.

Terrell and Derrell (the twins I LIKED, dammit) are accused of using another man's ID to buy a truck in Georgia.

Terrell Brittenum, 28, has been in jail since Jan. 10 on an outstanding warrant for charges related to the illegal purchase of a car in Rockdale County, Ga., east of Atlanta.

He and his brother, Derrell, are accused of using another man's identity to buy a 2005 Dodge Magnum in June.

Derrell was expected to turn himself in on the same charges of forgery, theft by deception and financial identity fraud, The Commercial Appeal newspaper reported.

Nice one, guys. Well done.

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January 18, 2006

Day Two Too

By Stacy

UPDATED TO ADD - Wah somewhere else, you putzes.

The more auditions we see, the more I think drugs should be required for the judges.

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Ok, I got chills when this Lisa Tucker sang. Is that normal? Beautiful voice.

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Ace Young.... Ok, he looks good but I hate that sensitive boyband shite. Trying to milk the Constantine appeal? Whatever the hell *that* was...

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About to be evicted but has a huge group of people who can buy custom shirts to promote your ass? Try paying your rent, asshole.

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I pull for Chris Daughtrey all the way. Young guy marries a chick with two kids, becomes the dad, loves his wife? Rock on, my brotha. Lose the facial hair though, buddy.

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Damn, Simon just metaphorically farted in paula's face. To be honest, though, I heard that song on the grocery store music system the other day, dropped my peas and ran like hell.

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Man, "The Way You Look Tonight" is my favorite song and this nerd is slaughtering it. Get him, Simon. The Hang Em High music is a nice post-production touch.

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Garrett Johnson may have a fine voice but he's going to implode in front of an actual audience. I don't think it's really doing him a favor sending him on to Hollywood. Nice bit of uncharacteristic humanity from the two blood sucking music producers though.

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Oops...I was so transfixed by the entepreteneur and the coaster inventor that I forgot to type. Did anyone else think the boy in the yellow plaid looked just like a less-lucky Kevin Federline?

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And "It's Oh So Quiet" is too a song, dammit. Bjork roolz!!

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Zachary...is it possible to be a natural born drag queen? This boy/girl/thing is a walking parody. And good to see its mother-unit is not at all the enabling type.

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Ah Denver....you SUCKED. Here's hoping North Carolina sucks somewhat less. Thought that'd be a frigging first.

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Day Two

By Tanya

I wonder if the people with talent, who do get through, are as stupidly cocky in their interviews as the people who suck?

Did I already say loud != good?

Lisa Tucker. Cute kid. Beautiful voice. She sounds 25, but I think that's a good thing. I hope she's as mature as her voice.

I just had a sudden painful flash of what it must like to be these judges, during this part of the show. I'm very sympathetic now.

Ace Young is a Q.T. Pie. Oh, gagging on the sincerity. Nice enough voice, but I'm having visions of Anthony Federov Jr.

Rochelle Elaine. Another infectious smile. Great voice. Yes. Love the motown.

ROFL @ Naomi. She clearly is sedated.

Chris Daughtry is the guy I liked on the commericals. I like his voice and his mannerisms. Not my favorite musical style, and I think he's interchangable with at least ten bands on the radio right now, but I'm glad to see this style finally make it to Idol. Gives them a little more cred. Interesting to see if he can do something other than rock.

Garett Johnson. I love that he's really a cowboy, and not just dressed like that. Cute kid. Very, very nice of Simon. Invasion of the body snatchers...

"Flawless" frightens me.

Oy. Congratulations on having your invention stolen on national tv, smart dude.

WOT?! April actually has a really nice voice, but It's Oh So Quiet is not a real song.

Women's clothes, women's hair, makeup, and high heels, and they think you're a girl? Sometimes? Zack is very confused. Very.

Ok, I'm off to watch Lost. Carry on.

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Ungrateful much?

By Stacy

Ok, I know the contracts the Idol winners sign are weighted rather heavily in favor of the Idol producers, and why the hell not, they're ones spending the dinero to foot this whole circus. So, I completely agree with Cowell (I know, big shocker) when he notes that Kelly Clarkson is taking a big old shit on who put her where she is when she refused to allow any Idol contestants to perform her songs this season. Some might say it's a smart move, don't dilute the product. But look at what Bo did for Gavin DeGraw last season... I'm just sayin.

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Oh. Bother.

By Robyn

I don't even know how to review Tuesday's show. I felt like I was watching bad, recycled outtakes from last year -- beginning with Paula's cartoon "rat" routine. The judges seem bored and tired. As did the talent pool. And only one real crazy loon to speak of.

The "pre-Hollywood" shows are supposed to be the crème de la crème of Idol. You know, the outtakes they flood us with all season long... If Tuesday night's opening episode was any indication, it's going to be a long run 'til May. So much for starting strong.

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January 17, 2006

Let's get it on!

By Stacy

Ok, only 1 1/2 hours late but here we go...

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Er, American Idol has become a tradition on a par with losing your cherry on prom night?? I *weep* for the future.

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Semi-high? That guy is semi-high. Oh yeah, the paper napkin was a classy touch.

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The Humpty Dance?? Moran.

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Gina Glockman will make it to the final 12. /prediction

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Ooh, totally doing this Alicia Keys better than the original. But Simon, dude, the fat jokes...please, man, that's *so* low-rent.

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This little short guy singing The Band is going to make a great drag club living...

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I don't think Charles is quite getting the nature of Simon's drag queen suggestion...

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Simon is really on the fucking rag this season. At least Paula is off the drugs. I think.

"Mad Cowell" *snerk*

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Bless his heart, this Deputy Sheriff drove all the way from W. Virginia to suck that bad. Impressive.

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Someone just push Derek into traffic, please.

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When will they learn gimmicks do. not. work.

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Dude, that second song Derek did is from the movie Trading Places. Bahaha!!

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Oooh, I dig Zachary's voice. The crooners always get me.

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Crystal, oh Crystal. Please die.

Simon is so damned mean. But still, that's like a small country's worth of eyeliner.

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Yes, singing in Farsi is going to get you on this show. Yep.

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Does a pole-dancing gig count towards a performer's visa?

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Ok, why even bother with this if they're going to let freaks like Crazy Dave through.

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Oooo, so looking forward to tomorrow night... *snore*

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Season Five Premiere

By Tanya

Woohoo! Here we go!

Oh, excellent, my sound is screwing up already. Nice.

Blah, blah, recaps of previous seasons. Seeen it. Ok, and interviews with the auditioners. Nothing exciting, but this is at least what the show is about.

Can we please never show that creepy, open-mouth, slo-mo kiss again ever? Thanks.

Yay!! Already a beautiful voice!! (The granddaughter of some lady?)

36483 - This is the guy that got me all psyched for this season in the commercial. Nice.

Love the crooner, obviously.

Oh, and the bad... Why would you ever do Michael Jackson, even from the thriller days? And nice yellow plaid.

Chicago auditions begin after the break:

I can't imagine camping out in the rain for this. But I'm clearly not Idol material. *shudder*

Derek Dupree gets turned on by himself and his pit stains. Lesson one: Never audition in falsetto. (I can't believe he knew that XTC song!)

And Simon's already in form.

Katrina does Humpty Dance. I actually sorta liked that, but she needed a backup song. That was silly.

Justin... They're just doing this to make me cry.

897 - Heh. The guy in the Dorothy dress with Heidi braids. "I didn't get thru 'cause my legs are too hairy." That rocked.

The Britnam twins are both very nice. How do twins ever end up with the same talent. The twins I know are nothing alike...

The Catfight chick reminds me of Gina Gershon, a little. Nice power. I didn't expect a voice like that, but silly with the Simon thing. Very good. Funny, her name is Gina something. Glosson?

Oy, I hate it when they don't put the really bad one sout of their misery...

Mandisa is very cool. Fallin. Hard to do a recent song, too. Ow. She's not that heavy. Yikes.

Kevin Brenamen looks nine. He's 21? More like a mosquito than a wasp, really.

Charles Barry. Helloooooo sycophancy! (Ok, but that might have been unnecessary cruelty.)

Amanda Rabideau. I didn't think that was that bad. Except for that godawful high note. Great personality, too.

Mad Cowell.

Man, I really wanted that cop to be able to sing, dammit. And what was up with that skip? He must have a bad scratch.

Oy. Derek returns.

Nice prom dress. Eh, not bad, just nasally. Wow, Simon is really being awful.

Derek has the warble.

Liberty dude, that was totally unfair. Killed after one note? I can't beleive Paula didn't call him on that.

Derek again. That was.... yeah.

How much would you pay to see Erik's grandmother and Ryan beat the piss out of Simon?

The Barrett-Smith sisters. Dorks. But cute dorks with gorgeous voices. I'm not sure I can listen to a lot more country music.

Yvette. Ick. Maybe it sounds better with music to cover it up a little? Yow. Simon being cruel again, but the rrrooooooowwwwr comment made me laugh.

Zack Smith doesn't look like a torch song boy. Pretty nice, but get a haircut, Moe.

They're obviously pushing the boys again this season.

Do you ever wonder if some of these people have ever heard their own voices? Even on voicemail?

Oh. Honey. Loud does not equal good. Lesson two.

I can't believe that chick looked straight into the face of a girl with a yellow slip and said "she's not that good." What a loser.

David's a cutie. I wonder if he really looks that much like Harry Connick Jr, or if it's affected. I hope he can do the bland crap they'll want him to do.

Paris Krystal's speaking voice hurts me. Oh my. What an odd voice. Oh, and nice is all gone. Poof.

Hat Analysis. 'K.

Lesson three. Sing in English. We've been through this, Ducks.

Ok, accentless English. How odd that he spoke without an accent, but sang in a foreign language - and she sang in English. (So far, Yuliya is my pick for weird-fame this season)

More twins. Does the singing gene go with the twin gene? They're good too. I like the one that's not Josh better.

What in the hell does Paula have on her hand?! Did you see that giant skull-and-crossbone ring?

Crazy guy David Hoover looks exactly like my old boss in Minnesota. I so hope he sees this. (I thought Ryan was going to club him with that egg lamp)

Could not stop laughing at the Lady Marmelade medley. But in retrospect, I wonder how much of that was staged, because there were several people in there that did other songs.

Anyway. That's it for tonight, and not a moment too soon. My jaw hurts from laughing.

Join us tomorrow. I probably won't be the only one here.... maybe.

Update: Aakk! Seki's blogging! I didn't have time to switch to the main page, so I didn't see you!

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January 16, 2006

T-Minus 24 Hours

By Tanya

The Idol Tongues crew will be back tomorrow night -- January 17, 2006 -- to cover the start of the new season with the snarky play-by-play you love. You know you're as psyched as we are. Please join us!

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January 11, 2006

2006 Idol Season

By Michele

Yes, we will be back with snappy commentary, wise-assed comments and riveting play-by-play.

See you here on January 16th!

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