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January 25, 2005

the diary, day 12
Blizzard Edition

By the numbers:

  • Number of days spent inside house: 3
  • Number of waking hours where there wasn't an offspring's friend in the house: 0
  • Number of mugs of hot chocolate made: 26
  • Number of times I yelled "Shut the front door, you're letting all the heat out": 12
  • Number of times I mopped up puddles of melted snow from the front hallway and kitchen: at leat 15
  • Number of times I put clothes that did not belong to my children in the dryer: 5
  • Number of gloves lent out that I won't get back: 3
  • Number of times I had to listen to a guitar/screeching vocal duet of "This Photograph is Proof": 20? 235? I stopped counting at some point.
  • Number of times I had to listen to Salad Fingers: Enough to be able to recite it by heart
  • Number of meals fed to children not my own: dozens
  • Number of cigarettes craved: 6,000
  • Number of cigarettes smoked: NONE

I am so proud of me.

And I've developed a crush on Salad Fingers.

January 24, 2005

Icicle Works

Bored. Cabin fever setting in.


ici7.jpg

Deadly weapons, courtesty of Mother Nature.

I think I'll take the kids outside and challenge them to ice-saber fights.

January 23, 2005

Blizzard Blogging - Part 14

Some day, Natalie will tell the story about how we were too poor to afford to go to amusement parks so we had to make our own fun in our front yard. Or maybe DJ will tell the story of how his mother was too lazy and afraid of getting cold and wet that she wouldn't take them up to the local schoolyard to go wheeeeeee down the snowy hill and he had to make a puny, shoddy hill on the front lawn with his own two hands.

Or maybe the truth - that their stepfather and their aunt made that "slide" for themselves and took turns going down it while they bribed the kids to keep shoring up the sides with snow by promising them a turn on the slide for the cheap, cheap price of 25 cents each.

This was fun.

Blizzard Blogging - Part 13

Yes, this will all end soon.

Reason No. 48 to have children

Cheap labor.

More photos added to the blizzard of death gallery.

Blizzard Blogging - Part 12

The snow has actually stopped, which is a bit disappointing, as we never even got a chance to contemplate eating human flesh to stay alive. For all the dire warnings, this has turned out to be a typical snow storm. Why, I remember when I was young and the snow was up to my eyes, I tell you, and I would still have to put on my golashes and my wool hat with furry pom poms and walk half a mile to the store to get my father his unfiltered Lucky Strikes, and then another half mile to the other store to get milk, bread and eggs, which I'd have to pull all the way home, uphill, on my sled that was made out of cardboard boxes and oak tree branches. One time the snow was so deep and coming down so hard that I got lost and ended up in Trenton, New Jersey, where I sold the milk and eggs for some magic beans that did nothing except give me really bad gas, which made it hard to walk sixty miles back home. And when I got home, I got beat for not having the eggs. But I made a stew out of the rest of the beans and spent the rest of the night laughing at my parent's blaming each other for the stenchy farts.

Blizzard Blogging - Part 11

You were just waiting for the movie version of Blizzard Blog, weren't you?

[Quicktime needed]

zapruder.jpg click image to see movie

As home movies go, I'm sure that my film of the Great Blizzard of '05 will make history. There are things hidden behind those flakes that you don't really want to know about. That I captured them on film was just pure luck. Or fate. Only time will tell which one it is.

My neighbors should not leave their curtains open. Just saying.

Ok, so it's actually just grainy footage of a typica nor'easter that I thought some of you would like to see. But given some of the email I got last night in regards to my blizzard blogging, someone is bound to believe that I've caught a murder - or worse - on film. Don't be that guy.

Anyhow. I've been putting the blizzard photos over in the gallery that no one knows exists.

Fellow Long Islander Rob has a timeline photo gallery of the storm.

In a terrible turn of events, someone has spilled beer on the Fark server. I get cranky without my TF. And I'll take it out on you.

Blizzard Blogging - Part 11

There's got to be a morning after, as the line from the disaster movie song goes.

Except this isn't the morning after - The Poseidon Adventure on Ice continues today. The headlines on the local news sites might as well read "Holy Hell! It's snowing!" You would think this was some tropical island instead of New York in January. Mother nature has shoved her enormous inches up our ass many, many times before. Can't we all just be a little more blasé? Of course, if we were all blasé then I wouldn't have anyone/anything to make fun of, would I?

And let me be honest here (because blogging is all about the honesty, you know), I am loving this. The more snow, the better. I would like nothing more than to go into bomb shelter mode, snowbound, house bound, cut off from civilization with death breathing down our necks. Except no one in my family would die, because I am prepared. Dozens of blankets ready to unfurl, enough non-perishable food to feed an army and a stocked liquor cabinet for when we all start to hate each other enough to hallucinate that we're all hamburgers or hot dogs. Vodka has a nice way of tempering the desire to grill up some marinated husband over rice.

As it is, the wind is certainly howling and the snow is certainly blizzarding and the roads are unplowed, but if we had to get out to get somewhere, we could. Even though they're still telling us that we risk life and limb to do so, if an emergency came up, like my PS2 controller breaks, Best Buy is just a short snowshoe walk away.

And now that it's Sunday, my kids will spend the entire day saying will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? will we be home from school tomorrow? and eventually I'll get tired enough of them asking that I'll promise them yet another game of Apples to Apples if they will just. shut. up. Of course, I'll be rubbing my hands in glee at the thought of work being closed Monday. A whole day in the snow to frolic! Which means I'll send the kids out with their sleds and they'll join the whole neighborhood at the local elementary school, the one with the hill that seemed so damn steep when I was 12 but looks kind of puny now, and I'll stay right here in the warm house with my husband and we can do a different kind of frolicking. Until the kids come home wet, frozen and trailing two dozen friends behind them who all want cookies and hot chocolate and who leave snowy footprints all over my wood floor and the walls of the house will shake with the cacophony of 12 and 15 year olds playing video games and watching movies and throwing each other into walls. Happiness. Snowy, noisy, feel-like-a-kid happiness.

Anyhow, I'm on full Storm-o-Death 2005 alert here again, up bright and early to make sure you kids in the non-frozen states get the full effect of the storm - lies, tall tales and all. As soon as it gets light enough out there, I'll take some pictures. Inconvenient as the snow may be, it's still a beautiful sight to behold so early in the morning, when untouched by boots, snow plows and that kid who just has to pee his name across the snow.

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And apropos of nothing, here's my favorite new (to me) blog. It's actually fairly new, so you can catch up on the archives.

January 22, 2005

Blizzard Blogging - Part 10

deathstorm5.jpg

When they tell you "do not go outdoors" around here, they really mean it.

Poor Seth Marks didn't heed the warnings of the local news caster. We were supposed to stay indoors during this Armageddon of All Storms. But Seth, being young, foolish and having watched too many episodes of Jackass, decided that he really, really needed to go to 7-11 to get some of those delicious nachos and a day-old hot dog wrapped in pizza dough. The minute he stepped out his door, the sirens roared and the flashing lights lit up the street. They cornered Seth right before he jumped the fence to the neighbor's yard. He held tight onto the Japanese Maple, but they eventually used the Jaws of Life to unclench Seth's hands and free him from the tree. They carted Seth away, bloody, handless and wishing he listened to those dire weather warnings.

[the ambulances are really out there, a couple of doors down. but the made up story is far, far better than the real one]

Blizzard Blogging - Part 9
(Watch out where the huskies go)

Song of the night:

click image to download

Blizzard Blogging - Part 8

Ok, I'm bored. How bored? I'm trying to find as many songs as I can with the words "snow" or "winter" in them. Want to help?

A state of emergency has been declared over here. Not sure what that means, except I should probably open that emergency bottle of Captain Morgan's I had stowed away.

Black Sabbath - Snowblind

Blizzard Blogging - Part 7

Cabin fever has taken its toll. DJ, gone crazy in the head from being barred from the outdoors due to the six - SIX! - inches of snow laid upon us in the Storm o' Death 2005, hit the liquor cabinet when no one was looking. He drained the Jack, guzzled the tequila and practically snorted the rum before anyone noticed he wasn't in the living room. Even though he was plastered, we decided to let him join our game of Apples to Apples. Well. I had no idea my son was such an angry drunk. We put up with him throwing his cards around, bitchslapping his sister and calling his uncle "unclefucker," but we drew the line when he stood on the table and sang "My Way" Sid Vicious style.

So my husband and my brother-in-law rolled him. Took all the candy gum and out of his pockets, grabbed his Apples to Apples card and threw him out the door into the snow.

We'll let him back in as soon as he sobers up.

Blizzard Blogging - Part 6

The lump of snow that Nat and her friend are shaping so carefully has absolutely nothing to do with the sign hanging on the telphone pole that says MISSING: ONE JACK RUSSELL TERRIER - ANSWERS TO THE NAME "ANNOYING LITTLE FUCKER"

Serenity now.

Continue reading "Blizzard Blogging - Part 6" »

Blizzard Blogging - Part 5

The lady on the local news channel (think Mary Tyler Moore's WJM) just said this storm is "Armageddon for Long Island."

Not Armageddon.

Armageddon. And that's the one we're prepared for.

Speaking of end times, they just made this annoucement:

THE YANNI SHOW AT RADIO CITY TONIGHT HAS BEEN CANCELLED

It's fucking pandemonium around here, I tell you. It's like a thousand Yanni fans screamed, all at once.

Blizzard Blogging - Part 4

The kid across the street is still shoveling. The father is still resting comfortably inside. Now he's eating a bologna sandwich (the zoom on this camera is really good) and drinking a Bud.

As whiteout conditions ensue, the kid will become lost in the blinding, swirling snow. He'll lose all sense of direction as he alternately screams and weeps, afraid that he'll freeze to death before he gets to prove to his father just how much he loves him by shoveling the snow non-stop through the entire storm. His future self-esteem rests on getting this done, as his father is a hard man to please and he was sure to get an "attaboy" for doing something right for a change. He finally gives up when two of his fingers turn blue and the feeling in his toes disappear. Kid tries to go back inside, but the father slides the deadbolt and tells his boy to keep on keeping on, because shit like this builds character. The kid cries and the father can be heard yelling from the living room window, Man up, Nancy! Eventually, the mother will remember the kid is still out there and she'll send out a search posse when they can't find him. I'll just sit right here and watch from my window, laughing real hard because I know that for the last hour, the kid has been playing Halo with that boy with the lazy eye that lives three doors down.

Blizzard Blogging - Part 3

We're up to about one death-defying inch of snow, though it's starting come down heavier right now.

My neighbor across the street has sent his children out in this life-threatening storm to clean his car off. You can't see him, but the father is sitting just inside the living room window, smoking a cigar and sipping cognac. He's wearing a bathrobe. The kids have been told not to come inside until every last bit of snow is shoveled off the walk and cleared off the car. Then, and only then, will he take them to the drug store for their asthma medicine.

[By the way, for the curious - I'm still not smoking, I just stopped doing daily updates]

Blizzard Blogging - Part 2 (Haiku!)


I'm going to take a picture every half hour or so.

Right now there's a dusting on the ground. This means there's still time to go buy your milk and eggs. If you're looking for a shovel you're probably shit out of luck, but then you deserve to be stuck in your house with no way to dig out if you live in the northeast and don't own a snow shovel. I hope they find you in April, frozen solid next to the space heater you forgot to buy gas for.

And now, a snow haiku

Look at my mailman
Slipping, sliding on my walk
People fall - funny!

You may play along with your own winter related haiku.

Blizzard Blogging - Part I

Why not? It's not like I have anywhere to go.

Though it hasn't started snowing yet, the local news stations are in full Storm O' Death 2005 swing. There's the usual interviews with Mr. Plow, the Home Depot salt-selling clerk and, of course, the little old lady coming out of Shop-Rite with the requisite milk, bread and eggs, even though she never uses any of those three items.

Which presents the perfect opportunity to retell one of my favorite snow storm stories (from January, 2002)
Big storm on the way. I'm mostly excited, I like the first snow of the year. But I would much rather have it during the week so I can get a day off from work.

So I went to the grocery store this morning - not in anticipation of the weather, I'm not one of those "prepare for the end of the world when a storm is coming" people - but because I had the urge to make steak tonight. I get to the store and there's a local reporter out there, questioning everyone about the snow, because you know how those news people love a good storm story. He was asking shoppers what they were buying, what were they stocking up on (come on people, it's 6 inches, not 3 feet!) and asking how they were getting ready for the weather. I see him approaching me as I walk towards the entrance. I'm not in a very good mood. Traffic was bad, I'm tired and cranky. I do not want to be on the news talking about buying toilet paper and water. So he stands in front of me, cameraman in tow, and throws the microphone in front of my face.

"So," he says, "What are you buying today m'am?"

I say nothing but this does not deter him.

"Are you stocking up on necessities for the first storm of the year?"

I look straight into the camera and grin.

"I'm buying Tampons," I say.

His jaw drops, the cameraman giggles and I brush past him and head into the store. Let's assume I will not be on the news tonight.

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More blizzard blogging coming up - I'll post some photos when it starts to get good out there.