November 27, 2002

Action Figures Caught on Cam Part 4: Thanksgiving

Spiderman: I still don't see why we all have to have Thanksgiving
together. Superheroes, villians, goth people - it's a recipe for disaster!
Batman: Ha! Remember last year? Mark McGwire's head popped off in that free-for-all.
Boba Fett: Yea, the free-for-all that you started!
Skeletor: Shut up, Fett. You were the one that made us play drinking games. It's your fault.
Madman: Now, now, lets not rehash last year. I say we start this year off with something nice. How about we all go around the table and say what we are thankful for?
Evil Ash: Oh, geez. We all gonna hold hands and bow our heads in prayer, too?
Buddy Christ: You got a problem with that, bad ass?
Evil Ash: Sorry, Jesus.
Madman: Ok, Spawn, why don't you start?

Spawn stands up, glass of whiskey in his hand.

Spawn: I'm thankful for that outfit Asuka is wearing today.
Hubba Hubba!
He-Man: Hey! You can't talk about my girlfriend like that!
Spawn (laughing maniacally): Yourgirlfriend? I've been sleeping with her for three weeks!
He-Man: Liar!
Asuka: Umm....
He-Man: NOOOOOO! Say it isn't true!!
Asuka: Ummm....
Spawn: Told ya!

He-Man runs from the room crying

Spiderman: Oh, for Christ's sake!
Buddy Christ: Hey, I had nothing to do with this, man.
Madman: Well, let's wait on dinner a bit until we all calm down. Let's watch some football.

They all gather in the living room to watch the game. Fifteen minutes later, there's a crashing sound. He-Man comes swinging through the window on a rope, his feet aimed for Spawn's head. He swings down on top of Spawn. They tumble to the ground and when Spawn stands up, his cape is ripped in half.

Spawn: You son of a bitch! You mother fucking asshole! You are dead! Do you hear me? DEAD!
He-Man: Yea, I'm shaking in my boots, you girlfriend stealer!
Spawn: My fucking cape. I can't believe it. You'll pay for this you asswipe!

Spawn runs from the room, still yelling obscenities.

Skeletor: Well, another fine Thanksgiving this is turning into.
Death: I think it's rather amusing.
Sandman: You would.
Boba Fett: Is that food ready yet? I'm starving.
Madman: The turkey should be just about cooked. Let's go back into the dining room.

Everyone moves towards the dining area while He-Man lingers, looking around.

Evil Ash: What's the matter He-Man, looking for your balls?
He-Man: Shut up, you freak. Hey, has anyone seen Battlecat?
Green Goblin: I think I saw him fucking your girlfriend. HAHAHAH!

They meet the others in the dining area.

Madman: Tada! I present to you the most amazing Thanksgiving meal ever!

Several Street Fighter guys bring in plates heaped with food and set them on the table.

Madman: Edward Scissorhands, would you do the honors, please?
Edward (mumbling): Every year, it's Edward cut the turkey, Edward cut the pies.
Spiderman: That is the hugest turkey I have ever seen. I can't wait to dig in.
He-Man: Where the hell is Battlecat?
Spawn: Really. He was just dying to dig into his plate.

Edward finishes slicing the meat and everyone clamors for the different plates. They dig in right away, eating hungrily and noisily.

Spawn: Hold up! I would like to make a toast before we all stuff ourselves full of this food.

He stands and raises his glass of whiskey, Asuka at his side.

Hans Solo: I have a bad feeling about this...
Spawn: I thought I would not be able to eat this meal, I was so depsondent over He-Man ripping my cape. But there are ways to get over things. A little action from Asuka here didn't hurt....
He-Man (his mouth full of food): You bastards! Do you have to announce it?
Spawn: You know, He-Man, they say revenge is a dish best served cold, but I would much rather serve it hot.
He-Man: What the hell does that mean?
Spawn (mimicing He-Man): Has anyone seen Battlecat?

He-Man and everyone else stop chewing, stop talking and look up at Spawn, forks in midair. Spawn cackles.

Spawn: Enjoying the meat, He-Man?
He-Man (staring down at his plate in horror) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Chaos ensues. Everyone is either puking or running out of the room. He-Man faints. And Boba Fett calmly sits and passes himself some more meat.

Buddy Christ: Another Thanksgiving shot to hell.

Read part 1, 2 and 3.

October 03, 2002

action figures caught on tape 3

action figures caught on tape: part 3 (enter madman)

Spidey: I'd like to call to order this meeting of the Action Figures and Toy Society.
(lots of noise and chattering)
Spidey: Ahem. I said I want to get started.
(room quiets down)
Spidey: Ok, we have a new member I'd like to introduce you to. Everyone, please say hi to Madman.
All: Hello, Madman!
(Madman moves over to podium, bumping Spidey out of the way)
Madman: Hey! It's great to be here! I've prepared a little introductory speech...
(Spidey moves back in front of the mic)
Spidey: Umm...there's really no need for that. Just grab a chair. We have a lot of business to take care of tonight.
Evil Ash: Let the guy speak!
Spidey: But, we have to...
Evil Ash: I said, let him speak, dimwit!
Spidey: Hey, I run this show, not you! I have an agenda!
Madman: So, is this an elected position, this leader of the action figures thing?
Spidey: just...I....I formed this group, so I'm the leader!!
Madman: Well that doesn't seem very democratic.
Spidey: Who said this is a democracy?
Boba Fett: Come to think of it, this has been run sort of like a dictatorship. Maybe we should have an election.
Red Power Ranger: Yea, an election!
(Spidey turns to look at the Ranger)
Spidey: What the hell? What rock did you crawl out from under? I thought you were garage sale bait a long time ago.
RPR: They found me under the couch yesterday. I've been surviving on pizza crust and cookie crumbs this whole time.
Madman: So about this election thing...
Batman: I nominate Madman!
Green Goblin: I nominate me!
Aquaman: I want to be the leader! Pick me! Pick me!
(uproarious laughter from the crowd)
Aquaman: What's so funny about that? I can lead!
Madman: You want to lead? Let's dance!
(Aquaman and Madman dance. Soon, Harley Quinn gets up and starts dancing with them, dirty dancing style)
Spidey: How many times do I have to tell you that there is a child present in this group??
Chun-Li: And how many times do I have to tell you that I am not a child. I'm just short!
Spidey: Whatever. Can we get this meeting back in order?
Optimus Prime: Only if we can have a real election!
He-Man: I'm down with OP! Bring on the election!
Luke Skywalker(whining): Hey! No fair! What about me??
Han Solo (in a mocking tone): But I was going into Toshi Station to pick up some power converters!
(Everyone laughs and hi-fives Solo)
Akira (rapping): You down with OP?
(every except Spidey sings and grooves)
You down with OP
Who's down with OP
You down with OP
Who's down with OP

Madman: Hey everyone! Let's dance!dancer.gif(Everyone dances. Spidey sighs, knowing he is doomed to another night alone watching Dragonball Z, drinking Mike's Hard Lemonade and uploading bad poetry to his blog. He walks out of the room unnoticed, silently vowing to seek his revenge on Madman for usurping his power like that).

Stay tuned for the next installment of Action Figures Caught on Tape: The Election Scandal.

Read Parts 1 and 2.

August 22, 2002

action figures alive, part 2

Action Figures Alive! Part 2

(note, there were supposed to be pictures to go along with this post, but my A drive has suddenly decided it doesn't want to be recognized. Use your imagination)

Part 1 here.

Spiderman: The general meeting of the Action Figures Coalition is now called to order. First, we would like to welcome the newest members of our Coalition, He-Man, Skeletor and Battle Cat.

All: Welcome!

He-Man: It's a pleasure to be here.

Skeletor: Yea, whatever. Where's the coffee and donuts I was promised?

Boba Fett: Ugh. I hate you guys that come here just for the refreshments. This is a serious group.

Edward Scissorhands: I have a question, Spidey.

Spiderman: Edward has the floor. Everyone, please remember the rules. Be respectful of the person that is talking. That means you, Wolverine. Keep your chatter down.

Edward: Well, I don't want to come off as accusatory, but He-Man looks as if he's been taking steroids.

He-Man: Idiot! I'm He-Man! I'm supposed to be muscular!

Luke Skywalker: Well, there's muscular and then there's freak of nature. You're the latter.

He-Man: You're just jealous because you were made to look like such a wimp!

Luke: I am not a wimp! I'm a hero!

Skeletor: Hero, my ass. Hey everyone, Luke is sleeping with Aquaman! Hahahaha!

(much laughter from crowd. Aquaman gets up and runs out the door, crying)

Spiderman: Awww, geez. Must you guys do this every time? Crow, go get him.

Edward: Anyhow, back to He-Man's steroids...

He-Man: I am NOT on steroids!

Mark McGwire: Test him! Test him!

Batman: How are you going to test him? If he's not anatomically correct, he can't exactly pee in a cup for you.

Skeletor: Cut him open! Let me do it!

He-Man: Man, I hate being the new guy. Why is everyone picking on me already?

Ash: Maybe because you look like you swallowed Arnold Schwarzenegger ?

Spiderman: Hey! Hey! Battle Cat! Get away from Leonardo!

Sandman: Oh my god. He ate him.

Iceman: That is just gross.

He-Man: Well, you said there would be refreshments....

Raphael: Shut up, you steroid freak! Your cat just ate my best friend!

Spiderman: Order! Order! Can we have some order here?

Batman: Oh, this is just ridiculous. Every time we have a meeting, someone gets eaten and Aquaman cries.

Spiderman: I still say we should separate the evil figures from the good figures. It would solve a lot of problems.

Skeletor: Oh, you want to put us in camps or something, is that it? Should we just start calling you General Ashcroft now?

Spiderman: Hey, that's not what I meant, I just mean....some of you are more inherently evil than others. You can usually tell by the eyes.

Green Goblin: Profiling! He's Profiling! Someone call the ACLU! Call the Comic Book Legal Defense Fund!

Spiderman: This is bullshit. Half of you guys just come to these meetings to argue and call names. And then you think you can get away with everything you do because of free speech. Well, I got news for you, I'm the leader of this coalition and if I want to ship you all off somewhere else for being insubordinate, I can! You damn liberal figures!

Skeletor: Hey, if you put a wig on him, he could be Ann Coulter!

Edward: All I wanted was to address the He-Man steroid thing and look what happens.

Iceman: Well there's no way we could tell if he's on steroids if he can't pee.

Edward. Oh, yes there is!

(Edward lunges at He-Man and tries to rip open He-Man's chest with his scissor hands. As he is about to cut into him, Optimus Prime, always the latecomer, walks through the door)

Optimus: Hey, everyone, I brought donuts!

Everyone crowds around Optimus, forgetting all about their fights and arguments.

Optimus: So why is Aquaman out in the hall crying again? Don't tell me Luke broke up with him?

Everyone burst out in good-natured laughter (except Luke) and they consume donuts and coffee until it's time to go back to their frozen stances on the shelves.

The end.

*note* I would like to believe that Justin is the only person who ever received He-Man actions figures as a wedding gift from his fiance.

May 18, 2002

action figures caught on tape!

action figures caught on tape!

I've been noticing strange things in the morning. Like someone has been having a a grand time in the house while everyone is sleeping. It happens every couple of nights so I left my video camera on last night to see if I could capture the culprits in action. And it's just as I suspected: My action figures have been throwing wild parties in the wee hours of the morning.

Action figures caught on tape, the transcript:

Boba Fett: I cannot believe that you guys invited my father. How am I supposed to have a good time now?
Zorak: Your father is piss drunk. I don't think he even knows you're here.
Tri-Klops: Hey, look at all the goth kids standing in the corner. Freaks!

(At the goth corner)
Morpheus: Did you guys know I have a weblog?
Crow: Yea, I saw your little blog. You should really be careful who you talk about, you know. Edward Scissorhands came across that piece you wrote about his horrible fashion sense. He was really hurt.
Alice: Anyone have any ecstacy?
Jack Skellington: This party blows. There's no chicks here.
Eddie: Oh, there's chicks here. But those bitches only want the superhero guys.

(over where the superheros are hanging out, drinking from a keg)
Luke Skywalker: Man, I keep trying to hit on Harley Quinn, but she's dissing me big time.
Spiderman: Maybe you'd have better luck with, say....Buttercup!
everyone laughs
Luke: Oh yea? You should talk, Spidey! Who the hell is going to want you? You have a bobbing head!
Green Goblin: Ohhh bobbin' head? I think Aquaman may want to date you, Spidey. Hehehe.

A fight breaks out. Everyone jumps in. Rob Zombie and Evil Ash, who appear to be the bouncers, settle things down.

Wolverine: Didn't Vader say he was bringing the dip? I don't see any dip here.
Filler Bunny: I ate it all. Washed it down with a bottle of Tequila.
(Filler Bunny throws up all over the place)
Mr. Blonde: These are my good fucking shoes you idiot rabbit!
(He shoots Filler Bunny)

Snowman: Wow, we really made a mess tonight. There's no way we'll get this cleaned up before she gets in here.

Comic book guy: Dude, she is SO going to blog about this.