A Small Victory

I know you all wanted boobies, but it's penis soup tonight.

'Killer tampon' to give rapists the chop

A 72 year old male farmer has invented the tampon of death.

Dr Haumann said the device is designed to be used in the same way as a tampon. "I designed a hard cylindrical plastic core which contains the spring blade, which slices when pressed against.

"This plastic core is covered by soft material, the same as a real tampon. This is then inserted by the woman. When the rapist attacks the woman and penetration takes place, the point of his penis will touch the section containing the blade and it (the penis), or at least a part of it, is sliced off."

So here's the scenario I see for this. Woman dates man. Woman is scorned by man. Woman calls man pleading to have him back, even if just for one night. Woman's vagina is used as a lethal weapon to slice man's dick off for revenge.

Also, would you have to register this thing? Would there be a ten day waiting period before you could pick up the Penis Slice-O-Matic? Would there then be laws legislating where and how and why a woman could insert the chopper?

And, of course, there would be the subequent lawsuit where the would-be rapist will sue the intended victim for chopping off his dick.

I wonder if you could use it as a tomato slicer as well?

For a good time, see all the other penis stories linked on the page:

Cops seek angry lover and severed penis

'Dentist threatened to chop off my penis'

Woman 'breaks' would-be rapist's penis

Tired wife tries to cut off husband's penis

'Nigerian witch steals man's penis'

Mugabe invites archbishop to mediate

Oops. That last one should be filed under "dick" not "penis."

link via my favorite cow

Posted by at 07:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (27)

For James:

Yes, you can microwave them. 20 seconds on low. And they taste really good warm.

Posted by at 06:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (9) | TrackBacks (2)

I hereby commence my weeklong celebration of my blog's second anniversary.

I will start the party rolling with a gratuitious link to Frank.

Why? Well, if I had a reason, it wouldn't be gratuitous, would it?

I'll be taking requests all night tonight. For what? For whatever.

And Mig's suggestion of those bodyprints really isn't a bad idea. Start rolling around in that ink!

Posted by at 05:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (10) | TrackBacks (1)

I just want to save this for posterity so that when we are done with Iraq and go after North Korea, I can point the peace activists to this picture and story when they claim North Korea is not a threat.

From Yahoo News:

A North Korean soldier holds 'bullets' to blow up the Capitol Hill in Washington, D.C., in this poster released by Pyongyang's Korean Central News Agency on Friday January 31, 2003. The Korean Banner reads: 'Ruthless Punishment to U.S. Imperialism.' New anti-U.S. posters have been put up along the streets of Pyongyang and other parts of North Korea pledging to fight American 'imperialists,' the North's state-run media said Friday. Posters of 'high ideological and artistic value' were made by North Korean artists shortly after the communist country withdrew from the Nuclear Nonproliferation Tready on January 10, said the report by the North Korean Central News Agency. (AP Photo/Korea News Service)

Thanks to reader Suze for the link

Posted by at 04:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (24)

James Taranto at The Opinion Journal is looking for some good pro-war verse. The one they printed should be on a Hallmark card.

There once was a thug named Saddam
Who desired a nuclear bomb
But then President Bush
Kicked Saddam in the tush
And deposed him with quite some aplomb

I know you all are such profound poets. Give me your pro-war verse and I'll send them all along in one email.

And then maybe I'll start a line of cards just for this occassion. It's the weekend and my Photoshop is begging to be used.

Posted by at 12:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (26)

The women of the Lusty Lady Theater in San Francisco have ratified their union contract [Exotic Dancers Union, a chapter of the Service Employees International Union, Local 790.]

In their honor, a new version of Look for the Union Label jingle has been written:

Look for the union label
when you are giving your dollars for tips.

So always look for the Stripper label,
it says they’re able to shake it in the U.S.A.!

(co-authored by my sister Lisa)

Posted by at 11:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

Dear Mark Morford,

I'm so glad you took the two or three minutes out of your busy schedule that you needed to pen your latest screed, So You Wanna Go To War (A young person's guide to understanding ShrubCo's murderous attack on Iraq, and whomever else). It has given me something to point to when people try to tell me that there are no liberal media outlets.

Of course, your words and the rag that sends them through the world wide web for everyone to see go beyond liberal. Oh sure, I write words just as smarmy and sarcastic about your kind, but I am not a paid reporter. I am not a member of the press. You, on the other hand, consider yourself a professional journalist, but I sincerely doubt that anyone who takes journalism seriously would shit out such a steaming pile of crap as you did today and call it professionalism.

The thing that really strikes me about all this is how you tinfoil hat wearers from the far left are so politically correct, you strive for such equality and fairness in everything from schools to strip bars, yet you don't afford that same correctness to those you don't like.

I don't know if you have children, Mr. Morford, but I sincerely hope that you don't. If your column today is any indication, you are the kind of person who will raise your children to be hateful, vile creatures who see the world according to their views, their needs and their wants. Their moral outrage at everyone who doesn't think like them will no doubt fuel their future careers as bitter journalists, just like you.

Your world of peace and love and acceptance only seems to apply when it benefits people in your little circle of life.

Have a nice day, Mr. Morford. I'll write again after we liberate Iraq and all your theories and fantasies are laid to rest by the truth.

Because yes, the truth is out there. And it's not your version.

Posted by at 10:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (39) | TrackBacks (1)

When I went to check my mail this morning I notices several emails with the header Urgent: human shields. At first I thought some clever person signed me up to be on the mailing list of Become The Change, just one of the organizations responsible for sending human shields to Iraq. A little ironic joke, perhaps.

After reading through the letter, I realized that they have volunteers trolling the web, looking for email addresses so they can send out mass pleas for human shields.

They call it "A vacation for peace." I prefer to call it "committing suicide for Iraq."

Today's email newsletter was quite lengthy, but I skimmed through it anyhow, stopping when I came to this passage:

Soon we will be posting printable placards on our site, in Arabic, stating our purpose and asking for housing. You might find this helpful to print and keep on your person during your travels. This and the heavy recruiting we're doing for greeting teams of guides, interpreters and host families, schools, hospitals, places of business, and so on for accomodations for shield members will provide a lot of help as we travel.

I'm sure these people will get much more cooperation from Iraqi officials than the weapons inspectors are getting. In fact, they should really just ask Saddam to put them up. I mean, he's got this huge palace and no one's there except that nice fellow Uday, what with Saddam's wife and kids being sent into hiding, probably in France.

I think Saddam would welcome them with open arms. After all, they are trying to keep his country from being liberated. He certainly doesn't want liberation. And, in essence, the human shields are also trying to keep Saddam and Uday alive. Of course he would put them up. In fact, he'd probably throw feasts every night where they would dine on roasted skin of scientist's families, a treat found only in Saddam's palace. Only the best for those who are fighting the good fight to make sure Iraq's people remain poor, hungry, tortured and prisoners to their own leader.

Perhaps the signs and placards of these human shields should say "Keep Saddam Alive!" and they can chant that phrase as they walk down the streets of Iraq.

If these people are welcomed into the homes of Iraq citizens and doors of business and schools are flung open for them, it's only because Saddam has ordered it to be so. After all, these human shields can only help prolong his rule of fear over the people of Iraq.

The next email had travel plans.

Flights depart on the 14th February and the 21st February, however due to the unpredictablitlity of the situation we advise people travel on the14th rather than leaving it to the 21st.

If that doesn't make your brain say "hey idiot, maybe we shouldn't be trotting over to a country about to head to war," then it's pretty hopeless at that point. And then:

You must also send us a personal statement gving your reasons for wishing to join the human shield in Iraq.

I figure a typical letter should go something like this.

To whom it may concern,

I place more value on the lives of Iraq citizens than those of my own country.
I am naive.
I put more value into what celebrities say than what the leaders of my country say about the situation in Iraq.
I think Uday is kinda hot.
I wish to die.

Can't wait for more emails from them.

Posted by at 09:44 AM | Permalink | Comments (32) | TrackBacks (1)

So DJ just told me that today is "Dress Like Your Favorite Book Character Day."

Would you send your child to school looking like this?

I didn't think so.

Posted by at 07:23 AM | Permalink | Comments (19)

Your computer may be killing you

There's a new disease in town and its name is e-thrombosis.

Sitting at a computer for long periods of time could kill you, according to a new study reported in the February 2003 edition of the European Respiratory Journal.

It says there is a risk of developing life-threatening blood clots from sitting for long periods at a computer, similar to a problem that has injured or killed some airline passengers on long flights.

What a modern sounding name for a disease. e-thrombosis.

The report centers on a case from New Zealand in which a young man who spent up to 18 hours a day sitting at his computer nearly died after developing a massive blood clot that formed in his leg veins, broke off and traveled to his lungs, a condition called pulmonary embolism.

If you spend 18 hours a day at your computer - and let's face it, this guy was probably playing Everquest or trying to find free porn, you have other things to worry about besides blood clots in your leg.

For instance:

e-bizmarkie, which is marked by an inordinate amount of weight gain in one's posterior.

e-flashitis - symptoms include crossing of the eyes and a sudden drop in IQ cauesed by watching too many flash movies such as Viking Kitties and Peanut Butter Jelly Time.

e-flamosis - a burning sensation in your fingers brought on by participating in too many online flame wars.

e-colon disease - marked by stomach aches and a slight bloating, this is what happens when you have a steady diet of soda and peanut butter crackers and refuse to leave your computer chair to go to the bathroom.

e-visineitis - a sudden drying out of the eyes; a symptom of staring too long in incredulous horror when reading stories like this.

e-gads - A sudden shut down of the brain that causes you to reach into your "save for a rainy day" file and post drivel such as this.

Give me some time to make it up to you. Don't abandon me just yet.

Now go say happy anniversary to Juan.

Posted by at 07:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (18)

Kidding about the title. Sorry.

Ok, forget the Nelson Mandela is an asshat post and forget the cryptic photoessay from DJ's party. I'm just about ready to collapse.

While sitting outside smoking and contemplating life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, it occurred to me that next week some time - not sure of the exact date, I just know it was the first week in February - will mark the two year anniversary of this here weblog. From it's inception as a cheesy little Tripod site to what you see now - two years. And they say I never stick with anything I start.

Anyhow, I would like to celebrate this anniversary. I'm just not sure how to best mark the occassion of my decision to spend more time on the computer than I thought humanly possible. I'm sure whatever I do, it will include references to boobies, oral sex and Dick Cheney. Not necessarily together or in that order.

Perhaps a contest is in order. Or....something. Any ideas on how you would like to see me mark this auspicious event (because I am the kind of person who lets no small milestone pass by without a party), please let me know either in the comments or email. I'm in the mood to do something incredibly stupid.

Posted by at 09:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (18)

I totally forgot I had this link sitting in my bookmarks. The Wesley Willis song generator. To thank Laurence for sitting in for me tonight, I made a song for him.

About 55100 people like amish tech support.
You make the joyride music.
amish tech support really whoops a camel's ass.
You can really rock your ass off.

AMISH TECH SUPPORT!!!
AMISH TECH SUPPORT!!!
AMISH TECH SUPPORT!!!
AMISH TECH SUPPORT!!!

amish tech support is excellent.
You are my special laurence.
You really whoop a snow lepoard's ass.
You really whoop the horse's ass.

AMISH TECH SUPPORT!!!
AMISH TECH SUPPORT!!!
AMISH TECH SUPPORT!!!
AMISH TECH SUPPORT!!!

You are my special laurence.
You are the best in the long run.
You really whoop a llama's ass.
I like amish tech support a lot.

Rock over London,
Rock on Chicago.

American Airlines - we mean business in Chicago.

Posted by at 09:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Thank you for your earlier post, Laurence. That was quite profound.

DJ's party was, shall we say, enlightening. More on that with a cryptic photoessay later.

Right now, look at my nephew because he's so damn cute.

Going to open presents and eat leftover cake and then maybe if you're lucky I'll discuss what an asshat Nelson Mandela is.

Posted by at 08:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

(No, it's not your imagination running away with you or a tumor pressing up against your cerebral cortex, but you might just wish that were true. It's the Amish Tech Support Blog A Day Tour, here at A Small Victory for DJ's birthday!)

First off, I'd like to apologize to the owner of the site I had told I'd visit today instead of A Small Victory. My excuse is an idiot. I'm working on de-idioting myself. I beg forgiveness.

Now, on to the subject at hand. DJ has just turned ten. Ten is a very powerful number, science-wise. If you don't believe me, then you ought to visit one of my favorite web sites that proves that ten is powerful: The Powers of Ten.

Now that DJ is ten, he has the Powers of Ten. Show him that site, Michele. Let DJ know he has the Powers of Ten. Get him to kick some bully ass with them.

You know, when I turned ten, it was on October 10th. Three tens! Very powerful! Powers that could be used for Good...

Or Evil.

I chose Evil. A bookshelf fell on me. I couldn't get it off of me.

That day, I discovered the Powers of Yelling Really Loud For Someone To Get This Bookshelf Off Of Me.

So, happy birthday to DJ, and watch out for falling bookshelves.

(Thanks to Michele for inviting me here to post on the Tour, and hopefully she'll post a bunch of things to get this to scroll off the page before too many people give her crap about how lame I was.)

Posted by at 03:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

California's new Lesbian and Gay Caucus introduced sweeping legislation that gives the state's 400,000 domestic partners all the same rights as marriage.

Of course, there are people who don't like this idea. And, as usual, the most vocal are the most moronic.

The pastor of the Hamilton Square Baptist Church in San Francisco says he's not against gays and lesbians as individuals, but he's against the bill, because he claims it promotes their lifestyle, which he says leads to AIDS and death.

Promotes their lifestyle? My god, people are loving each other! We must stop this madness! News flash for the good pastor: Being gay does not lead to AIDS and death. Unprotected sex with an infected person does. That goes for gay or straight people.

"If you had just five people in the whole state die from E.coli from one hamburger chain, you could close them down so fast, it would make your head spin. Here we have something where thousands of people die, and we're giving it the protections of law," Dr. David Innes told NBC11.

No. Unprotected sex is not getting the protection of law. Loving relationships between two people that happen to be the same sex, but due to closed minded thinking of too many people , cannot get married in your state is what the "protection of law" is referring to.

Would these two men prescribe the same judgment to straight men and women who have unprotected sex with multiple partners?

They are out of their minds if anyone believes their crap that their opposition to this law has anything to do with the spread of AIDS. It's about non-accpetance of people who have lifestyles different from theirs.

We can't help who we fall in love with. And why would it matter to anyone else? I don't understand why so many people have so many problems with the simple fact that two people are in love and want to share their lives together in wedded bliss. If you can't give them the wedding part, at least give them the right to protect each other through health insurance, the right to file their taxes jointly, the right to be happy in their relationship without living in a fishbowl that homophobes keep holding up for display.

As far as I'm concerned, intolerance is a sinful, hateful act. Especially when that intolerance keeps you from accepting the fact that two people - no matter what their gender - can exist in a loving, legal relationship.

found via decaf mocha

Posted by at 01:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (39) | TrackBacks (2)

I knew I forgot to blog something yesterday.

Blogcritics is running The First Annual Blogcritics Award - The Critiquees.

The awards will be broken up into Music, Video and Books and will be posted separately.

First up is the music awards.

For information on the categories and how you can make your vote count, go here.

I can't wait for the 2003 awards so I can vote for Meryl's "Call Jihad" as my favorite song.

Posted by at 11:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Ted wants the Atlanta Braves back.

Over my dead body.

My hatred for Ted Turner is not new. Although he has done some things recently to fuel the hatred, it goes back to 1983, when I was enamored of the Atlanta Braves.

I have always been - and always will be - a Yankees fan. But in those days before inter-leauge play, I saw no problem in having a favorite in the National League as well as the American League. The Mets sucked back then. Shea Stadium was always empty. So when the Braves came to town, my friends and I would head to the Big Blue Toilet Bowl in Queens and root for the Braves. Not only did we have a whole section to ourselves, we had our own private beer vendor as well.

The Braves were fun. Dale Murphy remains to this day one of my favorite basbeall players ever. The team also boasted another favorite player of mine, Brett Butler.

In 1983, Ted Turner saw fit to trade Buttler. He was sent off to the Cleveland Indians for a player to be named later. But Ted let it leak. That player was Brett Butler. So Butler had to play his time on the Braves out, knowing his days with them were numbered.

In exchange, the Braves got Len Barker. This is where you shake your head pitifully. Such a sad day it was for me when the news of Brett's impending departure leaked out that my friend Chris sent me a sympathy card.

From 1984 through 1987, [Butler] averaged 41 stolen bases as Cleveland's [left-handed] leadoff hitter. In 1985 he led AL outfielders with a .998 fielding percentage, and his 14 triples in 1986 topped the league.

In the few years Len Barker was with the Braves, he was 16-24 with an ERA that hovered around the 4 mark.

Ted doesn't know how to run a baseball team. In fact, Ted doesn't know how to run anything but his mouth.

I still hold a grudge against him and he has only added a laundry list of offenses to the grudge sheet in the ensuing years.

What a sad day it will be for Atlanta when Tomahawk Ted gets that team back.

I still have that sympathy card, by the way. I have a hard time letting things go, I guess.

Posted by at 10:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (15)

The Workers World Party sympathizers and members came out in (partial) force yesterday at Times Square.

The Free Mumia-Worship Ramsey Clark-Defend Milosevic and Saddam- -Anti-Semetic stalwarts paraded around the city with signs promoting their favorite organziation, A.N.S.W.E.R.

It's no longer guilt by association when you are fully aware of the organization's backing and goals and you still carry their sign around as if it were your flag.

Everyone has the right to protest. Everyone has the right to voice their own opinion. But when you embrace the policies and ideals of ANSWER, you become decidely anti-American. You become a terrorist sympathizer, an anti-semite, a protector of dictators.

ANSWER may organize your rallies and get you on those buses, but that doesn't mean you have to protest with them. If you are a peace activist who does not subscribe to ANSWER's ideology, you are doing yourself and your dignity a serious disservice by carrying their signs around in exchange for a ride and a cause.

If you do support ANSWER and all their ideals; if you embrace them as a group to get behind and fight with and for, I would not be able to look you in the eye without wanting to spit in it.

Posted by at 09:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

My baby turns ten today. Ten. That's two numbers, no longer single digits, no longer little. Yet ten is such an odd age. Too big to admit you still watch Pokemon, too small to be taken seriously by the skateboarding teens down the block. DJ flits between the two, one minute asserting his independence by refusing to hold my hand when we cross the street and the next crying for me to keep the light on his room because he just saw a scary commercial.

The kid is terrified of the clown from It yet fearlessly faces down an opponent twice his size sliding into third base. He crouches, blocks the plate, puts his shoulders down and his chest out and that runner is going nowhere. And then we get home and he runs from my uncle's Jack Russell terrier as if Cujo were after him.

DJ is a bit of an enigma. Just when you think you have him figured out, he pulls another trick out of his pocket and leaves you scratching your head. He's at once incredibly cocky, talking like Snoop Dogg and all up in your face with his ego and then so unsure of himself that won't try out for the school play out of fear of failure.

He's sweet and kind and generous to a fault, but he is also a ten year old boy, which means he is antagonistic, bold and a huge pain in the ass at times, especially to his older sister.

He wants to be a baseball player, but he figures he could always be a scientist as a backup, in case he gets an injury early in his career. And if the scientist thing doesn't pan out, there's always rap stardom waiting for him. He has it all figured out.

I believe - and of course, I am his mother so I would say this - that he can be any of the things he wants to be. He is determined and resourceful and focused on his goals.

Happy birthday, DJ. One year old, one year wiser, one more year filled with great stories to tell your future girlfriends.

DJ and me

Favorite DJ stories

Lost in New York

A child's thoughts

He said what?

Posted by at 07:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (32)

We're watching Comic Book Villians, for the third time.

Why do I keep watching this movie when it made my skin crawl the first time?

Don't get me wrong, it wasn't totally bad. As a matter of fact, the first 45 minutes were sheer joy. And then it took this odd turn and kept going. It wasn't bad for a dark, twisted movie but I didn't want a dark, twisted movie.

I just wanted comic books. And comic book geeks.

That's it, I am going to write the ultimate comic book geek movie.

A couple of geeks (not all guys, either), a dirty old comic book shop, a crusty owner, lots of inside comic jokes and not a mention of Ted Rall. But definite mentions of all my favorite comics. Gratuitous shots of Madman figures.

I need a conflict. Oh yea! The damn card playing kiddies keep trying to push out of the comic store for their tournaments. 21 year old guys wearing Yu Gi Oh! shirts and trading their unemployment checks for Magic cards.

I need to start casting the movie immediately! To the Bat Phone! Hey, we should all write the movie together!

I see the NyQuil has kicked in.

Posted by at 09:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (21)

I cannot possibly keep up with all your comments on the cover songs posts like I was going to - commenting on comments and such. But I am reading and downloading like crazy.

So, today. Two hours in the doctor's office. Two hours. Every single puberty-stricken girl in town (my daughter included) was in that waiting room with a sore throat. The whine level reached decibels previously unheard of.

When the doctor finally saw us, I asked him if there was a cure for teenage girls.

Sure, he said. He offered me some Excedrin. Funny guy.

Another half hour in the small, family-run drug store to wait for Natalie's prescription for Amoxicillin. Natalie cruises the aisles.

I hear her yelling for me from the first aisle. I get to where she's standing and she's staring wide-eyed at the vast array of condoms on display.

OH.MY.GOD! They come in sizes! And...and....mom, what's ribbed mean?

I say nothing, trying to push her out of the aisle and away from the two stock boys who are stifling laughter.

What's this, mom? She points to K-Y Jelly.

Umm..diaper rash cream. It's the first thing that came to mind.

So why is it with the condoms and stuff?

Your prescription is ready, let's go.

But what is this stuff? She's trying to read the box of K-Y as I pull it away from her.

The stock boy looks at me. He's just waiting to see what I am going to say.

Well, I say, it's ummm..

It's for jock itch. The stock boy says.

Oh, Natalie says. She turns red and walks towards the counter.

Stockboy whispers, you owe me.

Please note this is the same drug store in which I heard this conversation.

I may have to start going somewhere else.

Posted by at 09:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (13) | TrackBacks (4)

I hate when Treacher makes me laugh and then I feel guilty for laughing. I especially hate when he does it twice.

Oh wait...hang on....

Nope. Don't feel guilty about it at all.

Thanks, Jim!

Posted by at 08:41 PM | Permalink

Ok, kiddies. Time to move on to something fun. I've decided that seething with animosity is not something I can do on a full-time basis. It's break time!

I've been listening to my MP3 collection at work today, skimming through most of the songs that didn't go where my mood wanted to. Then I hit the folder with my cover songs.

There are an awful lot of versions of How Soon is Now and I think I have them all. (For my money, Quicksand does the best version). Did you know that Great White does a cover of the Cult's Love Removal Machine? I've got Earth Crisis doing Cream's Sunshine of Your Love, Mr. Bungle (notorious for cover versions) crooning Hit Me Baby, One More Time, and Helloween doing a fanastic version of Faith No More's From out of Nowhere.

In fact, this whole CD I'm listening to is nothing but cover songs. It's an obsession of mine.

However, this cd is old and and I need more songs.

You know what to do, fill in the comments¹ with your favorite cover songs and I'll track down the mp3s and get them on to a cd so I can stop listening to Offspring's version of AFI's² Total Immortal because it really sucks.³

Footnotes:

¹ Please do not include any Me First and the Gimme Gimme songs, as all they do is covers and I have every one of them.

² Just a small note of interest (or not) that when this site started two years ago, it was called A Fire Inside and named partially for the band AFI.

³I am going to mark up your comments. Hope you don't mind. I'm just going to put a little note in the comment if I have the song already so no one else repeats the suggestion. And maybe add a comment or two.

Now you can proceed.

Posted by at 01:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (102)

Laurence suggested, in my comments, that instead of turning the dark side of trollism, I should post a recipe. Well, he didn't mean me specifically, but I took it to heart.

I spent some time thinking about what kind of recipe to post. Most of my cooking -which is pretty damn good, I must say - is done by winging it. I don't follow recipes.

And then I saw something at Andrea's blog that made the old reliable light bulb go on.

It seems one Karen Jackson of Australia doesn't like America all that much. In fact, she is so antagonstic towards this country, that she took the time out of her busy protesting schedule to pen "10 Reasons to be Anti-American." (scroll down a bit). Both Andrea and Tex took care of Ms. Jackson, so I won't go there (yes, hold on..I'm getting to the recipe thing). However, we should note that the gracious Karen did take the time to compose a list of five things she likes about America.

Number three on the list is squirrels. Yes, squirrels. Karen Jackson of Australia loves those cute, rabies infested rodents. I bet she has some cuddly stuffed squirrel up on her shelf and pictures of squirrels hanging all over her room. Loves the squirrels, she does.

Therefore, this recipe is for Amerikkka America hating, squirrel loving Karen Jackson of Australia:

Cap's Mighty Fine Squirrel Stew

4 squirrels - dressed out and cut into pieces
1 cup white wine
Chicken stock
2 bay leaves

1 large onion-chopped
1 bunch green onions-tops and all-chopped
2 cloves garlic-minced
2 carrots-chopped
2 sticks celery-chopped
1 big potato-peel and chopped

Good shake cayenne red pepper
Good shake black pepper

A red brown roux -I pre-make this at home and pack it with me. half and half white flour and butter.
-The store bought roux works ok also.

Roll squirrel pieces in flour and brown in a little oil-not to long-just till brown - add to DO.

Add white wine and bay leaves and just enough chicken stock-canned is ok-to cover-place Do in coals or on top camp stove-bring to simmer-simmer 1/2 hour-add vegetables and spices and enough chicken stock to barely cover - Bring to simmer - Simmer till vegetables are almost tender - At this time add roux by the spoon full till this stew thickens up - Simmer about 10 more min - Serve with garlic bread - Beer bread is fine - And maybe a side salad.

Posted by at 11:37 AM | Permalink | Comments (33)

Think of the Parrots!

Kevin, were you traumatized by the Quizno's Super Bowl ad showing a dead parrot in a cage?

I know I was. All I kept thinking was, Oh gosh, that reminds me of Kevin Parrot and now I'll be up all night thinking of him lying in the bottom of a cage, lifeless!

Do you love Kevin Parrot as much as I do? Then join the force and boycott Quizno's! Don't let them do this to us. How can the be so cavalier and brutal about this? Don't they know how loving and gracious and funny Kevin is?

What a sad, sad day for advertising. I shall never eat at Quizno's again.

What's that? They mean a real parrot?

Oh, nevermind.

Posted by at 10:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (21)

Dear Aaron, thanks for the traffic!

I'll be removing your link as you asked. No need to ask you to do the same, as I'm quite positive you would not link to a little shit, creature and monstrosity.

I think he also wished Laurence dead or the nearest thing possible.

Oops, did I just link you in this post? So sorry. What's good for the goose, etc.

I'll be deleting the comments of the trolls you sent this way as they come along.

Thanks for playing!

After googling for something, I realized this lovely person had a blog devoted entirely to me! Yes, there's only a few entries, but I'm quite flattered nonetheless. I hope you are sincerely over your obession with me now, Endive.

Posted by at 09:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (41) | TrackBacks (8)

Once again, I've been cast in D's surreal version of the West Wing.

I'm still Philo's assistant. What, no promotion since last year?

Posted by at 08:13 AM | Permalink | TrackBacks (2)

Carnival of the Vanities #19 has arrived, at Dodd's place. Go read.

Posted by at 07:47 AM | Permalink

I'll get to the SOTU later. There's something I would like to get off my chest first.

I got an email this morning and I would like to respond in depth, the length and breadth of of all the questions, but I have other things to write about today. I will, however, finally cover this one question, because it is something that appears frequently in my inbox.

What about abortion? You have alluded to it, written about it and then backed off the subject. Let me come clean once and for all. Yes, I am pro-choice. To an extent. I believe that up to a certian point in a pregnancy, a woman has the right to do what she has to do without interference from a governing body.

That said, I myself would never have an abortion. While I believe you may go ahead and do that if the need arises, it would not be a choice for me. Not for any religious reasons, as I have none.

There is no question of a religious nature here. I am an atheist. Just to get that out of the way.

I didn't always feel that way. Although I pretty much practiced abstinence until I was in my late 20's, I always figured that if I did have sex and I wasn't careful and the dreaded event happened, abortion was a way out. This from a Catholic school girl.

Of course, as I matured, I toned that attitude down a bit. It wasn't until 1992, when I became pregnant with what should have been my second child, that I turned those thoughts around.

I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks. That's two months. That makes the baby that was inside me just a tiny little thing, not at all viable on its own, having barely developed beyond the blip on a radar stage.

Yet, it was my baby. I told relatives. I picked out a name. I started looking at baby clothes in the store. I made plans. And then it happened, a bit of bleeding, some cramps and a trip to the OB-GYN to confirm what I already knew. A few days later I had a D&C and that little blip in my belly was gone.

Well-meaning friends and relatives heaped the cliched phrases on me: Don't worry, it wasn't developed yet. It wasn't even really a baby. It's not like you heard it's heartbeat or anything. You were only eight weeks.

They dismissed my baby and they dismissed my heart ache and that has stayed with me long past the susbequent birth of my son a year later, long past the time that one usually "gets over" these sort of things. Because it was a mind-changing, if not a life changing event for me. A watershed moment, if you will.

Yet, I remain pro-choice because I know not everyone wants the child forming inside them like I wanted mine. Not every woman will care for a child - or be able to care for a child - the way I would have that tiny little thing. I may not like the decision you make in that matter or even agree with it, but it is not my place, nor anyone's elses, to say what you do with your own body and your own would-be child.

I have a sister who cannot have children. I have very close friends who are going through the same agony and sadness my sister and brother-in-law have gone through, trying to conceive, trying to carry a pregnancy to full term. I can't imagine intentionally removing a baby from its womb.

Then again, I have never been in that situation. I cannot walk in those shoes, nor would I want to.

Yes, I am pro choice. But given that choice, it's not one I myself would make.

I don't know if that clarifies or explains anything for you. I will probably not broach the subject again, so this will have to do as an answer for the inquiring minds.

Posted by at 07:09 AM | Permalink | Comments (46)

Ok, a couple of non-serious points.

Justin said that if he was president, he would learn Braille and have the speech written that way so he wouldn't have to look down at the pages every so often.

Towards the end, Hilary looked like she had just finished giving someone a blowjob.

Edward Kennedy was sleeping.

When I noticed that Rumsfeld's head was incredibly shiny, Justin said that was the gleam of pure hatred eminating from his brain. I sure hope he uses that hate like The Force.

And I really wished it was Monday, because I was going to use the line "He's wearing his cornflower blue tie. It must be Monday." But it's not and not everyone would have gotten it, anyhow.

Posted by at 10:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (31) | TrackBacks (1)

Your enemy is not surrounding your country, your enemy is ruling your country.

--President Bush to the people of Iraq.

If I took but one statement away from the speech, that would be it.

He really hit his stride with the AIDS in Africa segment. As Stephen said "Bush is not his father's generation on this issue."

But it was the war talk and the outlining of Saddam's offenses where Bush hit the mark. He said the magic words: Iraq/al Qaeda link.

We are ready to bring freedom to the people of Iraq.

Disclaimer: I had a cocktail of NyQuil and Robitussin before the speech, so take this from where it comes. I'll clarify and/or deny my thoughts tomorrow.

Posted by at 10:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (22) | TrackBacks (1)

I was going to do some live, up to the minute blogging play-by-play of the State of the Union address, but Stephen is ready to take that on. Not only will he do a better job than I would, he won't have two kids interrupting him to mediate fights over the Playstation.

Now, if this economy-size headache goes away, I will be doing a post-speech analysis.

Perhaps the SOTU drinking game will diminish the pain.

Posted by at 07:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (11) | TrackBacks (1)

Bernie Goetz - The Subway Vigilante.

Surely you remember Bernie, the man who shot four young men on a New York Subway in 1984? (He may be a victim/hero or a violent racist depending on your view)

Besides his basically unpublicized run at the Mayor's office and some court appearances, Bernie managed to stay out of the limelight that he basically created for himself.

And yet one does wonder from time to time, Gee, what has Bernard Goetz been up to?

That's what I'm here for. To satisfy that curiousity.

Bernie is currently making his living as a pea.

Not just any old pea, no. Penelope Pea. And Penelope wants you to go vegetarian.

Goetz's credibility as a spokesman for the vegetarian cause is somewhat hindered by his legacy as the man who, in 1984, shot four teen-agers with his unlicensed .38 handgun. His only regret, he said later, was that he had run out of bullets. (He served eight months in Rikers Island.) "I would much rather be known for playing a small part in the vegetarian movement," he said.

Don't kill the animals! Kill the people!

A few weeks ago, Goetz made one of his pea-pod appearances, in the city's annual Halloween Parade. That evening, he and some fellow-volunteers gathered in Rice's apartment. After Goetz slipped into his costume, he looked over and nodded approvingly at a cohort dressed in a giant vine-ripened-tomato suit. "Good—we needed this. Excellent! We should have a walking banana, too." He hung a sign around his neck that read, "Give Peas a Chance." "There's magic in this costume," he announced. "The pea pod casts a spell. People react positively to it. They just do."

Later that evening, as Goetz marched up Sixth Avenue, amid axe murderers, Roman emperors, and transvestite vampire hookers, his towering outfit attracted throngs of admirers, many of whom wanted their picture taken with him. "Did you make that costume yourself?" one girl asked.

"I was born in this costume!" Goetz replied in his high-pitched pea-pod voice. "Don't eat the animals!"

The big tomato, who was following Goetz to keep him supplied with pamphlets, stumbled and almost fell. "Careful, Tomato!" Goetz called out.

I do not make this shit up, folks.

I have this recurring post-apocalyptic dream where I'm running around shouting "Soylent Green is Vegans!!"

Thank you to my supplier Carol for this story.

Posted by at 05:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (16)

All you see are silhouettes
And all you hear are castanets
And no one cares how late it gets
Not at Hussein's Hideaway...OLÉ

Hey all you pro-Saddam activists? Looking for a nice vacation, a little time away from the drudgery of peace marches and window smashing? Well, my sister Lisa has found just the spot for you.

click for bigger

Posted by at 02:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (8) | TrackBacks (4)

Juan reminded me that today is the anniversary of the Space Shuttle disaster. Like he said, it's one of those "where were you?" moments.

Seventeen years ago today, I was sitting in my parent's house (where I still lived) playing a full simulated season of Major League baseball on my Commodore 64 with some friends.

This is how the news appeared that day:

The American space shuttle, Challenger, has exploded killing all seven astronauts on board. The five men and two women - including the first civilian in space - were just over a minute into their flight from Cape Canaveral in Florida when the Challenger blew up.

The astronauts' families, at the airbase, and millions of Americans witnessed the world's worst space disaster live on TV.

The danger from falling debris prevented rescue boats reaching the scene for more than an hour.

In 25 years of space exploration seven people have died - today that total has been doubled.

President Ronald Reagan has described the tragedy as "a national loss".

The Challenger's flight, the 25th by a shuttle, had already been delayed because of bad weather. High winds, then icicles caused the launch to be postponed from 22 January.

But Nasa officials insist safety remains their top priority and there was no pressure to launch the shuttle today.

The shuttle crew was led by Commander Dick Scobee, 46. School teacher Christa McAuliffe, 37, married with two children, was to be the first civilian in space - picked from among 10,000 entries for a competition.

Speaking before the launch, she said: "One of the things I hope to bring back into the classroom is to make that connection with the students that they too are part of history, the space programme belongs to them and to try to bring them up with the space age."

President Reagan has put off his state of the union address. He was meeting senior aides in the Oval Office when he learned of the disaster.

We will never forget them

US President Ronald Reagan


He has called for an immediate inquiry into the disaster but he said the space programme would go on - in honour to the dead astronauts. Vice-President George Bush has been sent to Cape Canaveral to visit the victims' families.

This evening, the president went on national television to pay tribute to the courage and bravery of the seven astronauts.

He said: "We will never forget them, nor the last time we saw them this morning as they prepared for their journey and waved goodbye and slipped the surly bonds of earth to touch the face of God."

We weren't paying attention to the television. My mother, ever the space buff, was watching the launch. I heard her gasp. I looked up at the tv. I froze.

Nobody moved for a long time. Nobody spoke. It was one of the most horrifying, saddest moments of my life. To witness that, to see the flames and sparks and the smoke, and to know that you not only just watched people die, but you were witnessing a depressing piece of history - the moment was overwhelming. I have never forgotten it. I don't even need to watch the video because it is so firmly etched in my mind.

Posted by at 12:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (41)

I figured it was time for another Bitchslap Ted Rall Day, but someone beat me to it.

Explained in the words of Treacher: Rall agreed to do a Maakies strip, drew it, and submitted it. But Millionaire pulled a switcheroo on him. Millionaire and Hellman even concocted a "feud" for added flavor.

Poor, trusting Teddy.

My gleeful laugh for the day. I actually cackled when I saw it.

Thanks to Jim for sending me the image when Maakies was blocked from my work server. Yea, and I stole the title of the post from Jim, too.

(this post has been edited for clarity)

Posted by at 12:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

My sister Lisa (who is a great source of information and blogging material and should have her own blog) called me this morning to relay something she saw on Fox and Friends.

It was an ad for TrueMajority.org, featuring everybody's favorite socialist, Susan Sarandon. It was a simple ad, called Win Without War, with Sarandon speaking. (see ad here)

Susan Sarandon: "Before our kids start coming home in body bags, and women & children start dying in Baghdad, I need to know... What did Iraq do to us?"

Edward Peck (Former US Ambassador to Iraq) replies: "The answer is
nothing. Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11, nothing to do with Al Quaeda. it's neighbors dont even think ts a threat. invading Iraq will increase terrorism, not reduce it."

Black background w/white letters: WHY RUSH INTO WAR?

Black background w/white letters: LET THE INSPECTORS WORK.

While speaking, in the backgrounds are images of military cemetery, Iraqi woman and child, bombs, shelled buildings, and fire....

Let's leave that question alone for a minute.

True Majority seems to be an offshoot of Priorities, Inc., which itself is the parent of Entertainers for Sensible Priorities, which boasts as one of its members that paragon of truth and virtue, Ted Turner. You know, Ted. The guy who married the woman who embraced our enemies in the Vietnam war; the guy who said the hijackers of the planes on September 11 were "brave."

True Majority itself was founded by Ben Cohen, the hippy who founded Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream and the man who has spearheaded a campaign to let a cop-killer go free.

Now that you know about the people behind this "public service announcement," let's address the words in the ad.

Just as the left is crying for proof that Iraq has weapons and that Iraq has ties to al-Queda, they should offer proof that Iraq does not have ties to Muslim terrorists or that they had nothing to do with September 11.

However, it is widely known as fact that Saddam himself pays the families of Palestinian sucide bombers. But that does not matter to the very people who embrace these terrorists and the families who praise their terror as victims.

True Majority wants world peace, wants to end poverty and hunger, wants the world to be a wonderful place full of happy, shiny people.

Yet they ask the questions "What has Iraq done to us?"

A bit isolationist, no?

Let's ask instead what have the leaders of Iraq have done to their own people. I think we all know the answer to that.

Why doesn't Susan Sarandon care? Why doesn't TrueMajority.org want to free the people of Iraq?

Or perhaps they do want to free the people, but in their simple minds, they think we can just ask Saddam to stop - maybe if we ask real nice - and he will.

Well we did. 12 years later, we are still waiting

UPDATE: Nick Gillespie at Hit and Run blogs that the spot is supposed to ad before the State of the Union address tonight.

Posted by at 10:18 AM | Permalink | Comments (75)

The second annual Feral Living Valentine's Day Limerick Contest.

Of which I was a winner last year with this ditty:

Best limerick about the dangers of premature ejaculation

I once was in bed in New York
with a man who popped his cork
But he popped it too early
Which in turn made me surly
And I killed him off with a spork.

Think you can do better? Go enter

Posted by at 07:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (6) | TrackBacks (1)

To: Anti-war activists, Weapons Inspectors, Democrats

From: Me

Re: Smoking Gun

It is advised that you stop using the phrase "wait for the smoking gun" or any such phrase like it, as a smoking gun would imply that it is too late; a gun does not smoke until it has been fired.

Unless, of course, you think we should wait until the gun is actually smoking before we do anything about it.

But no one thinks like that.

Have a nice day.

Mgmt.