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September 30, 2002

babs goes to boot camp

babs goes to boot camp

I'm watching Celebrity Boot Camp.

They sure are stretching the definition of celebrity here.

I had an idea for a great sequel to this show: Celebrity Boot Camp II - Give Peace A Chance.

It will star Ed Asner, Noam Chomsky, Barbra Streisand, Susan Sarandon and Oliver Stone.

Armed with only a backpack filled with granola bars and Michael Moore books, they will be shipped off to Iraq where they will assume the role of Iraq citizens, under the tutelage of Scott Ritter.

They will spend time blending in, learning about the culture of fear that exists there, and trying not to engage the ire of Saddam.

As a final mission, they will be granted unfettered access to the presidential palaces where they will play a round of "Spot the Weapon of Mass Destruction."

(scene):

No, no, Ms. Streisand, that is a generator. Umm..in case of a bad storm. You know, lighting.

Oh, of course, silly me! My what a big generator you have! Ha ha!

They will stay as long until a resolution is drafted and enacted, allowing the United States to bomb Iraq, take out Saddam and free the citizens from his reign. When the strike is about to take place, all the celebrities must join hands and form a ring around Saddam, while Barbra sings:

SCATTERED PICTURES
OF THE HOUSE WE LEFT BEHIND
LOVELY DEMOCRATIC MEM'RIES
OF THE WAY WE WERE

They sing until the rockets red glare start shining above and then - game over.

We win, Iraq wins and people who hated Yentl and Bull Durham win.

disclaimer: I'm not a right-winger, I just play one during missions to take out evil overlords who aim to destroy us. So save the emails, thanks.

it's getting hot in here

it's getting hot in here, let's take off our pinafores

I was just watching Little House on the Prarie.

That Nellie Olesen sure was a bitch.

In today's episode, Willie and Nellie use a "talking machine" to record Laura saying lovey-dovey things about the new boy, Jason. Then Nellie plays it for the whole class, much to Laura's embarassment.

Nellie was all nice to Laura in order to get her up in her bedroom where the talking machine was. I mean, how could Laura fall for something like that, given Nellie's history? Laura was just a huge Pollyana, wasn't she?

I tend to mix up episodes when I try to remember them. And then I mix up episodes from other shows, like Silver Spoons or Starsky and Hutch and they all merge together in some sitcom stew.

I'm trying to remember if they ever got even with Nellie. I think I remember her being pushed into the mud once, but then my mind mixes it all up and I keep seeing George Clooney and Tootie from Facts of Life taking Nellie for a joyride into New York City, where they leave her on a street corner until Starsky shows up just in time to save her from an evil pimp.

Did Nellie ever get leprosy and go to Hawaii to get cured? Wait, no. That was The Simpsons. And it wasn't leprosy, it was oatmeal.

And then Mary goes blind and Nellie keeps rearranging the furniture in the Ingalls home to fuck Mary up. I think. Did Laura Ingalls every say "watchoo talkin' bout, Willis?"

I don't know. I just want to bitchslap Nellie a couple of times, but then I want to bitchslap Laura, too, for being such a pussy.

hell raisers

hell raisers

Yes, this is the same post that was here last night, with additions and addendums.

The new Raising Hell is live. Go. See. Hurry.

rh_logo.jpgRaising Hell is relaunching Monday morning has relaunched with an exciting new look from Sekimori Design, a couple of new authors, and a slew of new content.

As Douglas Coupland says, all families are psychotic. We're proud to share those dysfunctional moments with you. Where else can you learn that the basic rule of family life is don't pee in the millenium falcon?

Tomorrow morning. Be there. Go there. Now.

Thank you, Robyn and Stacy, for your design, your coding, your patience and the amazing end result.


(We won't mind at all, no not at all, if you mention this on your blog tomorrow morning today. We would bribe you with money, but we have gone broke from paying off our kids to let us post embarassing stories about them.)

September 29, 2002

voting booth is open

voting booth is closed

Stuffing the ballot box is a bad way to ruin a good contest.

Anyone can send a link to twenty friends and tell them to go vote. That doesn't mean you win. Not in this place, anyhow.

Voting is null and void. Contest over. I will decide who gets the prize.

Play fair or don't play at all.

got your panties in a bunch?

got your panties in a bunch?

Reid just had to go and put this idea in my head. Of course, I ran with it out of my own free will.

New, from Blogosphere Industries, "Apology Panties," guaranteed to smooth over the most knotted affair, and Keep Hope Alive!

Made to order for any instance when a fellow blogger has gotten their panties in a bunch over nothing, but you want to smooth things over.



(click for supersize)

Apology Panties come in enough variety to cover any blogging faux pax: flame-wars, comment trolling, thinly veiled insults, direct linking, template stealing, left wing bashing and right-wing name-calling.

For the truly unapologetic, we also have "I'm sorry I offended you, but I still think you are an asshole" panties.

So unknot those panties, say you're sorry and Keep Blogging Hope Alive!

supper's ready!

supper's ready!


You've probably seen the Viking kitties by now. Cute little flash kittens in Viking horns acting out Led Zeppelin's Immigrant Song. The words pop up in bubbles in the song goes on.

Wow. Seeing those words in print again brought on a flood of memories and a fit of giggles.

There was a time when I considered Led Zeppelin to be gods. Most people my age went through that phase. We quoted lyrics left and right and debated the meaning behind each song. Plant and Page were geniuses, deep thinkers, philosophers.

Yea, right. What is deep thinking to a 14 year old mesmerized by heavy guitars and pounding rythms and Robert Plant's hair turns into foolishness and pretension when you take away the haze of few joints and flights of teenage fancy.

The hammer of the gods will drive our ships to new lands,
To fight the horde, singing and crying: Valhalla, I am coming!

Did we really sing these lyrics out loud? Valhalla, I am coming? How did we not break into fits of laughter when we said those words?

On we sweep with threshing oar

We must have been really stoned.

Sure, they had plenty of tunes that were about love and sex and things other than faeries and Norse gods. But those weren't the lyrics that were endlessly debated. Those were not the lyrics quoted as if they were the mantra of your life.

We sang The Battle of Nevermore as if we were story tellers. We felt the pain, the despair, the anguish. Oh, we were so deep, so in tune with our lyrical heroes.

Queen of Light took her bow, And then she turned to go,
The Prince of Peace embraced the gloom, And walked the night alone

You know, we had no idea what they were going on about. It just sounded good. It sounded like poetry. It sounded deep. In turn, we thought it made us sound scholarly and deep when we sat around ruminating about the Prince of Peace and his Queen.

Our favorite song at one point was No Quarter:

The winds of Thor are blowing cold.
They're wearing steel that's bright and true

Maybe our Tolkien-drenched minds kept us from finding the lyrics to be amusing and pretentious, like I do now. We were living in this outer realm, where hobbits existed and wars were fought between inhuman creatures. Plant knew that, he knew the mindset of the kids those days. And he played on it. Either that or he did a lot of acid.

Now, forgive me for this next part. I know that some of you consider Stairway to Heaven the Greatest Song Ever. I sure did back in the day. But please, look at these lyrics.

If there's a bustle in your hedgerow, don't be alarmed now,
It's just a spring clean for the May queen.

One summer night, five of sat on the open tailgate of a someone's mom's station wagon, parked in the last row of a drive-in theater (double feature: Kentucky Fried Movie and Groove Tube). For two hours, we discussed the meaning behind the lyrics to that song, spending an awful lot of time on the "bustle in your hedgerow" line. We each had a different interpreation of the song. We each took our own meaning from it. And that was deep, man. I mean, wow...they spoke to each one of us in a different way. How fucking cool!

It was only years later that I realized the words probably mean nothing except that Robert Plant read a lot of books. He strung some thoughts and words from his favorite novels together, mixed them in a blender and called it Stairway to Heaven.

When all are one and one is all
To be a rock and not to roll.

Anyone care to explain that line? To be a rock and not to roll. They revisited that theme again in The Rover with the line You got me rockin' when I ought to be a-rollin', which took on a decidedly different tone than the rock and the roll from Stairway. Maybe he was just running out of words at this point, a consideration to be taken seriously when you realize that the next Zep album was Presence.

Led Zeppelin did not own the rights to bizarre lyrics passing as genius writing abilities. We enshrined Genesis (the Gabriel years) in the same manner.

From Supper's Ready:
Wandering through the chaos the battle has left,
We climb up a mountain of human flesh,
To a plateau of green grass, and green trees full of life.
A young figure sits still by the pool,
He's been stamped human bacon by some butchery tool.
(He is you.)
Social Security took care of this lad.
We watch in reverence, as Narcissus is turned to a flower
.

Any old school Genesis fan worth his salt knows what comes next.

A flower?

Want more? From I Know What I Like in Your Wardrobe:

When the sun beats down and I lie on the bench,
I can always hear them talk.
Me, I'm just a lawnmower - you can tell me by the way I walk

We used to recite that line over and over! Some days it was all we said. Genius! Brilliance! We each claimed to know exactly what they meant by that but none of us had a damn clue as to what the hell they were talking about. But saying that you knew, that you understood the depth and layers of Genesis made you look smart and brilliant in your own right.

And who could forget Squonk? There isn't a long-time Genesis fan alive who can't recite the end of the song:

The is of a very retiring disposition and due to its ugliness, weeps constantly. It is easy prey for hunters who simply follow a tear-stained trail. When cornered it will dissolve itself into tears. True or False?

What the hell? How did I ever think those were inspiring, thoughtful words?

Better yet, tell me why I feel so melancholy when I hear these songs. Is it just the memories of those youthful days? Or was there really something to the music and lyrics that my old age just can't see anymore? Have I gotten too old to appreciate underlying themes and visions? Should I start smoking pot again? Do I need to take Lamb Lies Down on Broadway or Physical Graffiti and listen for the subtext and meanings that I swear are not there?

Stay tuned for the next installment, when I explain why Bruce Dickinson of Iron Maiden is a blowhard.

September 28, 2002

blocked

blocked

I've been spacey all day today. I keep reading and hearing things wrong. I keep going into rooms and then forgetting why I'm there.

Just now, I decided to make myself a margarita, like I do every night (I blame Kymberlie, who bought us margarita glasses for our wedding). I poured the tequila, put a little ice in and then poured what I thought was the margarita mix in. I sat down to have the nice refreshing drink and, using a bendy straw, sucked down more than half the glass. Apparently, I poured in more tequila instead of the mix. Can you say head rush and heartburn all at once?

Anyhow, I've been spending all day working on Raising Hell, which will relaunch on Monday. I've been trying to write a psuedo-press release and, despite my years spent in publicity doing such a thing for a living, cannot make it work. I've been working also on the front page welcome thing for that day, a blurb to put on my own blog and an email to send out to the notification list. Nothing. Not a thing.

So I'm going to do what any sane, rational, instantly drunk person would do. I'm going to redesign my own site instead.

Mig, forgive me if this stuff isn't ready on Monday.

Looks like I picked the wrong day to develop writer's block.

(things may look wonky here for a bit)

recess

recess

So I'm beginning to notice how the blogosphere is basically high school, but with more elaborate insults.

If anyone wants to eat lunch with me today, I'll be in the back of the cafeteria at the nerd table. I've got Peanut M&M's.....

she's a pinball wizard

she's a pinball wizard

I was about 13 years old when I first entered the Palace. I was a tag-a-long to an older friend who was going there just to score a nickel bag.

Pinball Palace was a small, almost hidden place, tucked between the Jerry Lewis Movie theater and a specialty bra shop. From the outside, it looked forbidden and dangerous, two things that combined to point a beckoning finger at me.

Gina opened the door and I followed, knowing that this was exactly the kind of place my parents warned me about.

As soon as we stepped inside my brain went into sensory overload. The smell hit me first; cigarettes and pot and teenage sweat swirling together in the dank heat of the Palace.

The noises. The clacking of pool bools as someone yelled break!; the dings and and whistles of the twenty or so pinball machines that lined the walls; the cursing of the bikers at the pool table; the jangling of quarters in the pockets of Levis; the fist banging on the glass as a machine cried out TILT! It was all underscored by Led Zeppelin's Trampled Under Foot shouting from the jukebox, and the combination of those sounds became my own Pied Piper, begging me to follow.

I was hesitant that first day and just hung in back of Gina while she made a deal with guy at the change counter. When she was done, we went behind the movie theater, smoked a joint, and then snuck in the back door of the theater. They were showing Shampoo. We watched Warren Beatty, naked on the floor and humping the daylights out the poor girl underneath him and all I remember is a person was watching them through a window and said something like "Now that's what I call fucking!" Gina sat gaping at the screen, taking in every word, every movement, probably taking notes in her head, and all I could think about was going back to Pinball Palace.

The next Saturday, Gina took me with her for another buy. This time, I brought quarters. While Gina flirted with her dealer, I made the walk towards the machine in the far corner. The Bally Wizard.

I slowly put the quarter in, knowing full well that I would become addicted to the flashing lights and turning numbers. The quarter dropped. I hit the reset button. The silver ball popped into place and I slowly pulled back the lever, feeling the resistance of the coiled spring. I let go. The tip of the lever and the metal ball connected and as that ball went around the curve on its journey towards the playing field, it took with it my grades, my social life, my allowance. From the first loud ding when the ball rang up my first score, I was obsessed.

My fingers worked the flippers as deftly as the lady in the school office worked the typewriter. I moved this way and that, swinging my hips and nudging the machine a little to the left, a little to the right, careful not to piss it off enough to make it tilt. My eyes darted between the ball and the scoreboard and my heart skipped a beat as I saw the paper taped to the top of the glass with the high scores for the week listed. My name would be up there one day. Yes, it would.

Gina had to drag me out of the Palace. Even when my quarters ran out, I wanted to stay and watch the masters play, the guys who turned over the numbers on the scoreboard, the guys who could smoke and drink and play at the same time.

And then it wasn't just Saturdays anymore. I started walking there after school. If Gina wouldn't go there was always someone else willing to hang out and watch me play pinball with me instead of going home. We would throw a few quarters into the jukebox (three plays for twenty five cents!), and play the same line up each time. Led Zeppelin. Todd Rundgren. Deep Purple.

Sometimes I would ask my mother for a ride to the library and when she pulled away after dropping me off, I would run across Front Street and duck into the Pinball Palace. I rationalized my lying. I wasn't out doing drugs - no respectable 13 year old considered pot a real drug, not when the bad kids were doing angel dust - and I wasn't out getting pregnant like Mrs. Winslow's daughter. I was just playing pinball.

The frequency of my trips to the Palace waned when winter dug its heels in and no one wanted to walk that far. Occasionally, we would get a ride to the movie theater and slip inside the Palace instead. Each time I walked through those doors was like the first; the smell, the sounds, the pumping of my adrenaline would all be new again.

They closed Pinball Palace before the good walking weather came back. Neighbors were complaining. Community action groups were picketing. Churches were praying for the souls of the kids caught up in the glare of those flashing lights. They claimed Pinball Palace was a haven for dirty, unkempt teenagers who cursed and drank and smoked. It was stealing the life and soul of the community's young adults.

And then, it was gone. I cried, I mourned, I laid in bed at night, my fingers twitching to imaginary flippers, the game playing out in my mind. We had to find another place.

That summer, my parents sprung the news on me that they were taking me out of the "terrible" public school system. They didn't like my friends. They didn't like my attitude. Catholic high school would surely lead me on the path to a righteous life. I would make new friends, they said, friends that wouldn't drag me to those filthy pinball places, friends who wore skirts and ties and gave their quarters to the collection basket instead of machines.

By the end of the second week at the new school, I had made a few new friends just like my parents wanted me to. Momlet me stay after school each day and take the late bus home, assured that I was sitting quietly in the cafeteria with my new virtuous friends studying and doing homework.

Not quite. See, the 7-11 across the street from school held a deep dark secret in its back corner. A Bally Wizard pinball machine. My new friends, who hated ties and skirts and hoarded their quarters like gold, would watch me play for hours each day, taking bets on whether I would break the high score or not. I had a following. I was the Pinball Wizard. Catholic school was working out just fine.

Sure, 7-11 wasn't quite the same as the smoke-filled palace. But Kevin did bring along a portable cassette player each day and we listened to Genesis and Todd Rundgren while I swished and swayed and occassionally tilted.

Pinball eventually gave way to other video games; Asteroids and Galaga and Space Invaders. Arcades started popping up everywhere. My pinball skills were no longer celebrated, I was a has-been, a thing of the ancient past.

I never regret all those hours and quarters spent feeding my pinball frenzy. I never regret the time spent learning the exact angles of each machine, or feeling the excitement when my name went up on the high score chart.

My mother always told me that I was wasting away my life playing those games, that I would never get anything useful out of it. Hah. What does she know? If it wasn't for those quick relfexes and incredible hand-eye coordination I developed at Pinball Palace, I would have never kicked my son's ass at House of Dead 2 the other day.

September 27, 2002

spiked

spiked

Meryl Yourish has a spike file. You know, those posts you write and rewrite and edit and keep on the back burner because they either never get finished or never sound just the way you intended them to.

My spike file isn't exactly a file. It's all those Moveable Type posts that are marked draft instead of publish. There are two types of files that retain draft status; either they were intended to be funny but didn't even make me laugh, or they were more personal than they started out to be.

So, what's in my spike file? Snippets from the lost files of a small victory:

  • Daddy, this tastes like Grandma!"
  • Websense thinks Cheesedip is "tasteless" but they let me view Amish Tech Support?
  • When he said "Cynthia McKinney is not an anti-semite, I turned the radio off.
  • I don't want the super pump action
  • Fun hamster questions found on the internet:

    Why shouldn't I use the mircrowave to dry off my hamster?
    Do hamster have souls?
    Should my hamster be eating its poop?
    Why does my hamster have a foul smelling discharge coming out of her vulva?

    Anyone want to answer those?

speak and destroy

If you haven't already read Arthur Sibler's post "Conservative Menance" at his website, The Light of Reason, you should. He graciously allowed me to post it at my Banned Books Project.

Also at the BBP, an essay by Jesse Walker, Ban This Book, that originally appeared at Reason Online. (reprinted with permission).

allah mcbeal

allah mcbeal

If you haven't checked out the Saddam/Arafat television show post below yet, you are missing gems like this one by Nicole:

(click, etc)

I'm leaving it open to entries until tomorrow morning. Then the voting commences.

more from the PETA-files

more from the PETA-files

murderborosm.gif
"Kids will be clamoring for PETA’s colorful new trading-card stickers featuring parodies of the popular cigarette brands Camel, Marlboro, Cool, and Salem. But when kids see the gruesome pictures on the backs of the cards, they’ll learn about yet another danger of smoking—cruelty to animals.

PETA’s Tobacco Torture trading-card stickers will be handed out to children at school to teach them that if they smoke, they not only put their life at risk, they also help pay to inflict suffering on innocent animals."

Clamoring for the stickers? How about cowering in fear or disgust?

I'm all for teaching the kids about the dangers of smoking, but I'd rather not do it through guilt, and I certainly don't want the extreme acticvist freaks from PETA teaching my children anything at all. Especially not when they will use phrases like this: "Experimenters have also inserted electrodes into dogs’ penises to measure the effects of cigarette smoke on their sexual performance."

I can just imagine some ten year old saying "hmm..inserting things into dogs' penises? Hmm...."

And some eight year old: "Teacher, what does he mean by sexual performance?"

Sure, these wacky cards might become the hot item on the playground. But for every Lisa Simpson who will hand them out as Valentine's cards, there's a hundred Barts who will assign a point value to the cards based on grossness and make a playground game out of them. Magic the Gathering has got nothing on the new role-playing card game, Wacky Tobacco Torture.

Should any of the misguided, overzealous folks at PETA ever come within two feet of one of my kids with any of their propaganda (that goes for the truth.com people, too), I will eat a kitten right in front of them and then kick them in the balls with my leather boots.

related: see here for Stacy's PETA rant.

the evils of state-mandated testing

the evils of state-mandated testing

DJ has started fourth grade and thus we begin the year of "teaching to the tests." There are three state mandated tests in this grade. The entire curriculum is built around exams that have no bearing whatsover on your child's grades or future.

The English Language Assessment Test (ELA) takes place from February 4-6. This means from September through February, the classroom focus will be on reading, reading and listening comprehension and writing skills. I am not saying this is a bad thing; I just think it narrows the curriculum down to the point where other skills are going unused.

Fourth grade teachers, at least in this district, have admitted that the state tests take time away from other aspects of the classroom; they especially diminish the room to be creative in class lessons. Emphasis is placed on the skills needed for whichever test is coming up, and there is very little leeway in expanding lessons.

Once the ELA tests are over, it's on to the math test, which takes place from May 6-8, quickly followed by the science test, the written portion of which takes place on May 13, with the performance portion coming up the following week.

These kids are nine and ten years old. The dates of the tests are drilled home to them, the impending tests are announced over and over again (we must finish this book before May, class!), the reasons for certain assignments announced (you will need this skill for your test!), and when you put it all together you end up with some seriously stressed out children.

You say, there's six hours in the school day, surely they can set aside an hour a day just to concentrate on the test skill so the other lessons can go on unimpeded. Not really.

Figure in an hour for lunch and recess and an hour for "specials" time, meaning art or gym or music. Take off another half hour for the fifteen minutes spent getting unpacked and settled in the morning, and the fifteen minutes gathering up belongings in the afternoon. That's 2 1/2 hours off of the day.

Then we have what they call "push-in" teachers, who come into the classroom for specialized reading or math lessons. That's another 45 minutes or so that the teacher does not have control of the classroom.

There are kids, like my son, who are pulled out for speech or other special services. Kids are pulled out for drama or band.

Add that all up and you are left with about three hours of teaching time in the classroom. In that three hours they must not only teach the lessons planned for that day, but fill those lessons with test-specific subjects.

It's no wonder DJ comes home with enough homework to kill the entire night. And it's no wonder that he's feeling stressed, only three weeks into the school year.

The spectre of even more mandated testing hangs over schools like a cloud of doom. Bush calls for tests, tests, tests. Why? What do these tests do but determine whether a district is using their state money (the distribution of which is another rant completely) to its best advantage? What does my son, who spends his entire year studying and prepping for these exams, get out of it? Will a good grade on the ELA be refecleted on his report card? No. Sure, he's learning valuable skills, but at the expense of quality in the classroom.

I've been through this already with Natalie. I know what to expect when the testing dates approach. Natalie developed a twitch two days before the test. She threw up the night before. These dates and acronyms are repeated over and over to the students all year long; when the dates are coming close, the teachers emphasize the skills needed to pass. Nine and ten year old kids should not be put under this kind of pressure. One teacher told his students that if they didn't pass the test, the district would lose state aid.

Teachers admit that the emphasis on these tests take so much time away from the important lessons children should take from the classroom; the lessons that are taught when engaging in interactive, creative assignments with their fellow students. There's no room for that kind of "frivilous" activity in the fourth grade classroom now.

The adminstrators are not seeing the forest for the trees. Instead of viewing each school as part of a whole district, they need to see each student as part of a whole school. Stop filling our classrooms with nervousness and fear and let the kids just learn without that kind of pressure, at least at this age.

September 26, 2002

saddam and arafat, together at last

saddam and arafat, together at last

I'm busy. Raising Hell is going to be relaunching with an amazing new look on Monday, and I'm trying to get that all ready to go. The Banned Books Project is rolling along. My kids have a lot of homework that I just don't understand. And Tanya, bless her heart, sent me the True Romance Special Edition DVD and checking out all the extras is sucking up a lot of time (note: director Tony Scott had to be on crack when he did the commentary). Bottom line: my brain is fried and I'm out of ideas except one. This is where you come in.

Let's play a game. Here's the scenario:

Saddam and Arafat have been exiled. Together. To combat their boredom, they bought some time on a public access channel and made a tv show.

Your job: Come up with a title and little blurb about the show. Funniest one gets a ten dollar Amazon gift certificate.

ann coulter: hair metal goddess

Ann Coulter: hair metal goddess

I guess that dream I had last night is still with me.

Sung to the tune of "18 and Life"

Right Wing For Life

Annie is a young girl, She has a heart of stone.
Thinks she’s an author, writes her fingers to the bone.
Seems like a know-it-all, comes from the Right side of town.

Fights like a witch, yeah, so no one can take her down.
She has the money, Slander’s no good at home.
She does the talk-show circuit and she fights the world alone

And now she’s

Right wing for life you got it
Right wing for life you know
Her crime’s her lines and it's
Right wing for life to go


I need serious help.

webster in the hizzouse!

webster in the hizzouse!

Brandon Cruz, who portrayed Eddie on Courtship of Eddie's Father, has replaced Jello Biafra as lead singer of the Dead Kennedys.

This could start an alarming trend. Imagine the headlines:

Danny Bonaduce joins new incarnation of The Germs.
Butch Patrick becomes the 77th lead singer of The Misfits.
Susan Olsen replaces the deceased Wendy O. Williams in The Plasmatics.
Tina Yothers set to take over for Courtney Love in Hole.
Tiffany Brissete of Small Wonder joins Devo.
Emannuel Lewis is now fronting Wu-Tang.

Feel free to add your own.

link from the evil genius

worst.nightmare.ever.

worst.nightmare.ever

well have YOU ever seen them together?
My dream life is out of control.

Last night I dreamed that we were throwing a surprise party for my aunt. She became so furious when she realized that we were all gathered in the restaurant to celebrate her shower (I don't know what kind of shower it was, the lady is almost 70), she threw my uncle on the floor and dug her heels into his back repeatedly while beating him about the head with her oxygen tank.

My seat was all the way in the back, so I couldn't figure out what was going on, I just heard a lot of commotion and I saw Mickey Rourke and some members of Radiohead wildly applauding my aunt's histrionics. I tried to get a close-up view to take some pictures.

Eventually, we all left the restaurant and my uncle drove my aunt to the hospital, where they committed her and promised to do experimental testing on her brain cells.

We sat outside on the shore of an ocean that appears frequently in my dreams. It is a furious, gray ocean. Waves rise and fall and form whirpools when they crash into themselves. There is something lurking beneath the water, I have never been able to see what it is, but it frightens me every time. I think it might be fear itself.

I sit on a tree stump with Natalie and we stare at the blackening sky. There are explosions in the air - red, white, green, yellow sparks light up planets I have never seen before. A cacaphony of booms and whistles and bangs plays around us, and we eat popcorn and watch the sky explode.

The waves are lapping closer to us. The bombs are falling nearer to us. I tell Natalie that this is it, there's no stopping it now. She is not afraid. She stands on a log, arms outstretched, face tilted towards the fire in the sky, and starts belting out Skid Row songs. She turns her face towards me, hair flying in the firey wind, eyes lit by the glowing trails of bombs, and right before my eyes she turns into Ann Coulter.

I ask you, what could possibly be a more frightening scenario than Ann Coulter singing I Remember You?

I scream in terror and wake myself up.

I have to stop falling asleep with the tv on.

September 25, 2002

my cartoon schedule...

my cartoon schedule is better than your cartoon schedule

I've added one more to the Blogritic mass posting frenzy: One (imaginary) Saturday morning: What the weekend cartoon schedule would look like if I ruled the world.
Go over there and comment, add your own, disagree with me or just plain make fun of me for loving Wacky Races so much.

tv listing

TV Listing for Saturday, September 28, 2002

FOX
Sink Saddam: the game show

Tom Daschle and George Bush fight it out in this fast-paced quiz show. Ann Coulter and Raph Nader take turns asking the contestants questions while Saddam sits between them, tied up in a dunk tank. For every question Bush gets right, Saddam gets lowered a bit into the water. For every question Daschle gets right, Nader gets to raise Saddam's seat up a bit.

If Saddam sinks, it's Bombs over Bagdhad! If he makes it to the top of the tank and gets out, Daschle wins a date with Scott Ritter!

It's a frenzied, laugh-a-minute riot as chants of "WAR NOW!" and "GIVE PEACE A CHANCE!" rise from the audience and Saddam goes up and down just like the economy!

Be sure to catch the outtakes at the end, when Nader takes a swing at Coulter!

everyone's a critic

everyone's a critic

I'm doing my best to help Blogcritics meet their Mass Post Day goal of 180 entries in 24 hours. I have two up so far; here and here. I'll try to post more later.

There's some great stuff up there today. Take your time and look around.

analyze this

analyze this

I think someone needs a hug.

(click for really huge image)

So, what do you make of this? An arrogant misanthrope? A neo-nazi? A Nine Ninch Nails fan in a bad mood?

join us on the dark side

join us on the dark side

I finally got around to reading the articles on the smallpox vaccine from the past week.

A Newsday article states that "people with eczema also are advised not to get the inoculations because the vaccine can cause a potentially fatal skin eruption." Which means, should the situation arise where we need to be vaccinated, Natalie will be out of luck.

Or, we can hedge our bets, get her the shot, and hope that she does not get the skin eruption, which is only "potenially" fatal. Our other choice is to just let her die of smallpox? Hmmm. I guess we'll take the chance on the skin eruption.

Not that I think it will come down to this. If biological terror ever does come to rest here, I don't think any kind of vaccination program is going to help.

Nope. It's going to end up like "The Stand," where one person exhales and another catches whatever he's got and so on and so on. Some people will be naturally immune and will survive. And then we will choose up sides and trek across the country to our designated spots for good and evil, dark side or rebel force, liberals or right wingers, the damned and the saved.

The dark side will have gambling and strippers and imported beer. The other side will have potluck dinners and group hug sessions and cranberry punch. The dark side will have the Batman from Batman Beyond. The other side will have the cheesy Batman from the original series. The dark side will have an X-Box and home theater in every house. The other side will have Nintendo 64 and Betamax.

In the end, both sides will die of either starvation or a violent mutiny gone wrong. I say enjoy armageddon while you can. It doesn't last very long.

So I've packed an emergency bag for my family with walking shoes and a guide to blackjack. Should push come to shove someday, we're off to the dark side.

excuses, excuses

excuses, excuses

I knew it wouldn't be long before something like this would happen.

Cary Cimino, a former Bear Stearns partner who faces 10 years in prison when he's sentenced today for securities fraud, has asked the judge to be lenient with him because he was traumatized by the events September 11.

Psychoanalyst Alvin Kulick said that Cimino suffered a dysfunctional childhood, was "traumatized" by incarceration after his original arrest and was pushed over the top by Sept. 11. Kulick said he was particularly worried about Cimino's dreams, which "took on a more nightmarish quality."

Kulick said Cimino "identified with the people who jumped. He was one of the doomed people jumping. He felt he was trapped in a deadly place, helpless, and could only escape by hurling himself out, even if it meant death."

Dr. Robert Goldstein wrote that Cimino was experiencing Sept. 11 "flashbacks.... Incarceration would be extremely traumatic."

Well if that's the case, maybe I should send a letter to my creditors telling them I, too, was traumatized that day and shouldn't have to be forced to pay my debts because I'm having nightmares.

Didn't finish that term paper? Forgot to pay a parking ticket? Murdered your next door neighbor? Now you have a handy-dandy excuse at the ready.

This Cimino fellow seems like such a decent guy, too. He obviously has a great sense of humor:

Complicating matters is a taped 1999 conversation at Sparks Steak House, where Cimino was overheard conspiring to have a suspected informant murdered. On tape, Cimino discusses having a gangster "put a gun in [the informant's] hand, put it in his mouth, pull the trigger, make it look like a suicide."

Cimino's defense was that he was just kidding around.

The judge should look Cimino straight in the eye and say "your defense has moved me. I understand your post traumatic nightmares and I totally agree that incarceration would just add to your problems. Haha, just kidding around. You're so screwed!"

Kulick said Cimino "identified with the people who jumped. He was one of the doomed people jumping. He felt he was trapped in a deadly place, helpless, and could only escape by hurling himself out, even if it meant death."

Yea, that's pretty much what prison is going to feel like.

i am superman

Go: Carnival of the Vanities, Issue #1: a blog compendium

i am superman

People react to grief in different ways. Some dress in black for weeks on end, some spend their days and nights in their bedroom, crying, and some...well one...dresses up like Superman and heads for the mall.

Four years ago, [Mark] Wyzenbeek's estranged wife died in a car accident. The longtime pop-culture collector decided then that it was time to stop putting off his life's fantasy: Now, when the urge strikes, he hits the town as his favorite superhero. So bring on the bad stuff. He can take it.

Mark wears a Superman costume and walks around town and the mall, bringing smiles and joy to Auburn residents.

Of course, those smiles and that joy may be of the "laughing at you, not with you" variety.

A high-school-age girl flies at him, shrieking, "Superman, can I have your autograph?" He complies; she runs back to amused friends: "I got Superman's autograph!"

See that? That's why a 46-year-old man dares subject himself to ridicule. "It's fun for me, but it's all about them," Wyzenbeek says. "She was really excited. It meant a lot to her. She'll have something to tell her friends about for weeks now."

Well call me cynical, but I think that when she talks about the incident to her friends, it will not be in reverent tones.

Mark refers to his home as the "Fortress of Solitude" and he plans on fixing his car up like the Batmobile.

Now before you accuse me of stomping on this guy's dream and making fun of someone's coping skills, rest assured I am not making fun of him. I am fearing him. No, no. Fearing becoming him.

Can't you see me years from now, made slightly crazed by too much coffee and demanding children, walking around town dressed like Chun-Li or a Death? Justin will be next to me, made up like Madman and we will stomp around the streets of Long Island, teaching children about alternative superheroes and villians that will give them nightmares forever.

Our home will be much as it is now, but worse. You know those old ladies that are a bit batty and when a neighbor doesn't hear from them for days, she sends the cops over to check on the old woman and she's laying on the floor, surrounded by stacks and stacks of old newspapers and magazines? That will be us, except it will be stacks of graphic novels and comic books and back issues of Wizard.

The rare visitors we have will be introduced to our toys and action figures as if they were real. "Oh, Gracie, how nice of you to stop by. Have you met Filler Bunny?" or "Officer, please sit down while I have He-Man get you a cup of tea."

Eventually we will have submerged ourselves so deeply in our comic book world that reality will cease to exist for us. We will be two old people, sitting in our rockers, making plans to root out evil and go off on adventures with our comic friends. We will stop accepting social invitations because they will interfere with our plans for world domination. We will stop taking calls from our children and friends because they refuse to acknowledge that we have super powers.

We will don our super outfits and walk amongst the mortal humans in town. Perhaps they will ask for our autograph, perhaps they will run in fear. It doesn't matter. As long as I am living out my golden, yet slightly deranged years in the fantasy world I have spent a good portion of my life building, I'll be happy.

I think I'll look up Mark and see if I can get some helpful hints from him.

(this will possibly be included in my soon to be made category of worst.post.ever)

September 24, 2002

this is not a costume party

this is not a costume party

Another question tonight. Last night's went so well, although only one person spotted the sexual innuendo.

Do you ever feel uncomfortable leaving a comment on a blog you've never commented on before? Do you feel like the other commenters or the blogger him/herself is going to say "who the hell are you and who let you in here?" When you do comment for the first time, do you feel like you are intruding on some private party and you forgot to wear clothes? Have you ever felt that way here?

Thank you for your time.

I'm off to meet DJ's teacher. As in the past, I will bring the teacher a giant size bottle of Execdrin and the offer to pay her therapy bills at the end of the year.

did they send baby wipes, too?

did they send baby wipes, too?

Israel sent clean underwear to PLO Chairman Yasser Arafat yesterday as he spent a fifth day hunkered down in his Ramallah headquarters while tanks began pulling back from the compound.

I'm sorry. That made me giggle like a five-year old.

censor this

censor this

Jesse Jackson has asked the producers of "Barbershop" to not only apologize to him, but to cut the barbs at Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King from the DVD version of the movie.

The character...says other blacks refused to give up their seats to whites in the segregated south, but that Rosa Parks got the credit because she was connected to the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. He also directs an expletive at Jackson.

The character is immediately condemned by others in the barbershop for being disrespectful.

Let me repeat: Jackson wants the producers to remove the jokes he found offensive from future DVD releases of the Barbershop. Should they include a warning? Warning, this motion picture has been edited from its original form to appease the sensibilities of Jesse Jackson.

There are plenty of other movies that disparage the black community as well as its leaders. Why this movie in particular? Because it makes a small joke about Jackson himself? Would he be complaining as loudly if the remark was made towards Al Sharpton?

Just because a person has done good things in their life and is looked up to by millions of people does not mean he or she is free from insults, whether they be fictional or real. Even the nicest people in the world have their detractors and to want to censor a piece of fiction because a genuinely good person had a negative comment made about them is utterly ridiculous.

Imagine if everyone bullied movie studios into editing their movies so as not to contain jokes about them. Gone would be all the punchlines about Clinton, Prince Charles, Celine Dion and any other person who has achieved fame or notoriety.

Every joke ever written will offend someone somewhere on the planet. We would have nothing to read or watch or listen to if everyone went around complaining about lines in movies. Hell, everyone else in the barber shop gets on the case of the guy who makes the comments. But that doesn't matter. If Jesse doesn't like it, censor it.

If the producers actually give in and take the lines out of the DVD version, I give up.

update: Now everything is clear. Apparently Jesse Jackson doubts that free speech is really a civil right.

By the way, if you are not reading Scrappleface religiously, you are missing out big time.

instant psychoanalysis

instant psychoanalysis

Al Gore is passive-aggressive.

update: His diagnosis has been upgraded to passive-aggressive with a bit of schizophrenia.

legislating sportsmanship

legislating sportsmanship

It was the last inning of a close game. The visiting team, the team that was ahead, was at bat.

What had been a tightly played game suddenly turned into a free-for-all as the pitcher lost control. His arm worn out, his stamina drained, he threw high and wide and wild as the opposing team scored run after run. There were no other pitchers available. The only other person on the team who could pitch had already put in two innings earlier in the game. The emergency subsitute pitcher was in the bathroom.

As the team at bat neared the seventh run of the inning, which would give them the run-rule advantage and thus ending the inning, the infield fell apart also. The second baseman stumbled while trying to scoop up a grounder. The second baseman tried to cover, but missed the ball by a mile, falling into the dirt as he did so.

The nase runners all crossed the plate. As they went into their dug-out, high-fiving and whooping it up, they laughed. They pointed at the team on the field and laughed and cackled and rolled around on the floor clutching their stomachs. Their coach stood quietly on the third base line, waiting to send home his runner and end the slaughter with the seventh run. He glanced over at his players; they were pointing at the infield, pointing at the pitcher and still giggling and smirking. The coach turned his attention back to the field, without so much as telling his players to settle down. No one was surprised at the coach or the team's lack of sportsmanship. This coach has built a reputation on being a driven, win-at-all-costs, gloating kind of guy.

Under a new legislation passed in Nassau County, Long Island yesterday, the behavior exhibited by the winning team would be a violation of law.

The "good sportsmanship" bill, sponsored by Legis. David Denenberg (D-Merrick) calls for parents to agree to teach their young athletes that honest effort is as important as winning.

Under the fair play agreement, arguing with an official is out. So is taunting, showboating and trash talking.

If an opponent scores on a deep pass play for the winning touchdown, for example, under the fair play agreement it would be good sportsmanship to actually show appreciation for their skills.

The above example is a true story. It happened just last week at one of DJ's games (he was on the losing end). The situation was handled when one of our coaches went over to the other team and told them that their behavior was unsportsman like and unaccaptable and should they do that again, he would report them to the league. End of story.

Legislating sportsmanship is a joke. Granted, there are extremes to bad sportsmanship, but those instances should be handled by the league or school the offending team/player belongs to. This bill does say that, but there shouldn't have to be a legislative action to put this into force.

Once again, lawmakers are taking over where parents should be stepping in. No taunting, no showboating, no arguing with the umpires...those are things that should be taught at home and drilled into the head of every kid who is playing an organized sport. The fact that these lawmakers think parents need to sign a contract saying they swear to teach these basic tenets of sports to their kids, well that says a whole lot about society, doesn't it?

It's easy to spot the parents who do not teach sportsmanship to their kids. They are the ones yelling at the 13 year-old umpires. They are the ones who yell instructions to their kid from the sidelines, telling their child to do the complete opposite of what the coach is instructing. They are the ones who chastise their child in front of everyone for swinging late or missing an easy layup. They are the ones who try make excuses for their son having a bat over the regulated size or who gives wrong information to get their 12 year old onto the 11 year old football team so he can be the biggest and strongest.

I'm all for good sportsmanship. I don't mind if the leagues set their own rules and post them somewhere. But something about having to legislate those rules of fair play rankles me. Which parent is going to be the first to start policing the games and reporting every swear word mumbled under a parent's breath to the league officials? Which coach will be the first to report a team for breaking the law when a kid throws throws his glove at the fence in frustration? The legislation will work against the good coaches and for the bad coaches in the respect that the win-win-win coaches will now be looking for the slightest infraction of this law in order to get the opposing team's best player thrown out of the playoffs.

Trust me, I know how these people work. I know the mindset of coaches who think that 10 year olds are little machines, doing work for their coach's ego.

I think that people are too quick to try and legislate the things they can't take on themselves. This isn't going to force parents to teach their children good sportsmanship. It's completely out of their hands now. All they have to say is "Johnny, don't do that or someone will report you." Not, "Johnny, don't do that because it shows disrespect to your fellow players."

Sportsmanship and respectful behavior on the playing field should be taught, not mandated.

September 23, 2002

war talk

war talk

If you haven't already, read the comments in my post Give War A Chance. Lot's of pro and anti war things going on...I love a good debate.

spit or swallow

spit or swallow

Answer for me:

If someone hands you a box of chocolates and you graciously take one into your mouth and you realize you hate the flavor, what do you do?

a) spit it out right in front of the person, showering his body with a spray of gooey stuff
b) swallow politely, even smiling as you do so
c) wait until the person is not looking and then spit it out

I thank you in advance for your answers.

give war a chance

give war a chance

I used to be an idealist. I used to think that peace was the answer to everything and that if we worked hard enough, world peace could at last be found.

I watched my older cousins protest the Vietnam war. I admired them at the time. I was only in grade school, I didn't know any better.

In high school I was a hippie-wannabe, attracted more by the music and the culture than anything else. I thought it would be cool to relive the 60's. I thought it would be neat to live in a peaceful commune and promote world togetherness. I thought we could change the world.

In the latter years of high school and after, I became a student of the counter culture. I read as much as I could find on the subject: activism, peace rallies, sit ins and anti-war sentiments.

I realized how futile the peace movement was. I realized how living in this pretend world of utopian dreams and idealism was nowhere near the reality of the existing world. I realized that the protesters of the Vietnam war did more harm than good.

Give peace a chance is a nice sentiment, but it's not based in reality. I would like to know what the anti-war faction suggests to do as an alternative to getting into a war with Iraq. How do they propose we negotiate with a madman?

Sure, you have the right to protest, but what I would like to see, rather than just shouts and name-calling, is for the protesters to come up with viable alternatives.

Unfortunately, I don't think there are any. My days of longing for peaceful solutions are over. There is no way, at least in my mind, that all these nations, all these different groups and factions and religions and levels of craziness among leaders can ever co-exist together without threats of war or hostile takeovers.

I don't want to sit around and wait for concrete proof that Iraq intends to use their weapons of mass destructions on us, because the only proof we are going to get is when it's too late to do anything about it.

The time is getting closer. The war will be brief, too brief for the anti-war activists to even get any momentum going. Soon there will be war, soon Saddam will be gone, and hopefully Arafat will follow in his wake.

It won't be world peace, but it will bring us closer to getting the cloud of imminent terrorism that hangs over us to go away.

copy machine etiquette

copy machine etiquette


I think I finally found a pet peeve that surpasses people getting on the elevator before you have had a chance to get off. I address the following to the people who have contributed to my annoyance:

Hello Office Copy Machine Users!

Do you think it it too much to ask that you put the copier back on its original settings before you leave the copy room? I mean, what could it take - three seconds - to push a button or two? I understand your need to enlarge and print sideways and double sided and upside down and backwards all at the same time; I completely know what its like to have to darken or lighten or use a special sized paper and make 45 copies, all of which the machine will collate (special button pressed) and staple (special button pressed). However, being the considerate co-worker I am, I always put the machine back to its original settings before I leave, lest the next person who comes in to use the machine to make one simple 8x11 copy ends up with 45 enlarged 8x14s with a dark background. One button -reset- will do the trick, folks. It's not brain surgery. Hell, it's not even plastic surgery. Of course, the main reason you don't take the time to hit reset is probably because you are a selfish pig who doesn't give a crap about anyone else's needs. I'll tell you what. I'll make you an offer you can't refuse. Either you press that reset button next time or I will bash your head against the copier repeatedly until it starts printing copies in your blood instead of ink. Thank you and have a lovely day.

choking the chicken

Banned Books Week is in full swing: participate.

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choking the chicken

United Poultry Concerns, a group "dedicated to the Compassionate and respectful treatment of domestic fowl," is protesting AFLAC advertisments "that represent ducks in dangerous, unnatural, and degrading situations."

The leader of this fine organization, Karen Davis, has also suggested that "it is speciesist to think that the September 1