being all that you can be
Being all that you can be
I have a confession to make.
I hate crowds. I especially hate crowds when I have to meet new people. Even if these are people I know already, through the miracle of the internet.
So it wasn't just the heat and the humidity and allergies that gave me the migraine yesterday, it was the stress of having to go to a party where there would be a lot of people I didn't know, or knew but never met. The stress of thinking about it all week long resulted in the worst headache ever.
I know you will find this hard to believe, but I am incredibly shy. I have a hard time looking people in the eye when I talk. I tend to play with my hair or twist the ring on my finger while I talk to people that I don't know. If it's a group of two or three people, I'm ok. But once you go over that number, I freak out.
I shouldn't except invitations to parties that I know I will not end up attending. But each time I do, I think it will be different. I will overcome my fear and shyness and get out and meet new people. I will be strong and confident and bold.
Not bloody likely. The confidence surges through me for a week or so and then as the days approaching the gathering advance, it starts to crumble. By the day of the party or meeting or whatever it is I'm going to, I'm downing Excedrins and curling up on my couch with my blankie.
I don't know what I fear. Perhaps my sense of inadequacy overrules anything I try to do. I'm sure that's the reason why I never followed the advice of my college professors and tried writing for a living. The fear of not living up to what others expect you to be is overwhelming. It's just easier to not try at all than to do it and be looked at as something less than you really are.
I'm not saying that I am not who I present myself to be here. This is me. As long as I am with my friends or family or not in a huge crowd, this is me. I have met other webloggers before, in very small groups, and I think it went well. But the whole crowd thing makes me nervous, and I know I don't act like myself when surrounded by bubbly, gregarious people. I am easily intimidated by those who have more confidence than me.
Maybe I willed myself into having a headache so I would have a reason not to go. Maybe I should have just said no to begin with, so I wouldn't have the added stress of spending that whole week knowing full well that something would happen at the last minute to make me back out.
I'd like to overcome this. I really would. I feel this fear of failure and fear of new things and fear of looking strangers in the eye and letting them see who I really am, how I really look, how I really sound, is going to keep me from ever doing anything more than what I am doing now.
Fear has kept me stagnant. But a greater fear has taken its place. That is the thought that this is the crest of my life, that my phobias and idiosyncracies will keep me from every doing anything greater, from ever trying to be anything more.
It's time to move past it all and see what I can do.