get thee behind me, slayer
[Thank you to Coop for sending me this link]
I believe it's never too early to start preparing for great national holidays. It takes time and effort to put together everything you need to make a holiday special. That is why you see Christmas decorations lining the shelves of Target in September. It's why the matzoh ball mix is on prominent display in the supermarket well before Rosh Hashana. And it's why I'm giving you the heads up on a holiday that takes place in June.
That's right. Mark your calendars. It's a day celebrating the greatest speed metal band to ever grace this planet. The National Day of Slayer.
There are several ways listed on the site to participate in this day. While most of them seem like sound ideas, I'd skip the "Kill the neighbor's dog and blame it on Slayer" and go straight to killing the neighbor instead.
They also recommend taking the day off of work to listen to Slayer, but I prefer to set up a huge speaker system in my office and subject my fellow employees to a full day of the new Slayer album, which happens to debut that very day, June 6. Get it? June 6, 2006? 6/6/06? 666? Oh yea, we're evil. I'm so evil I shit pentagrams.
So here's your chance, Slayer fans. Your one true moment to shine, to spread the gospel of Kerry King, to preach the word of Jeff Hanneman, etc., etc. Go out and get one of those porcupine looking bracelets like King used to wear back in the day. Grow your hair long. Practice your pentagram drawing skills. Carve a 666 into your skull. Say things like "metal up your ass" to your grandmother while blasting Necrophobic in her ear.
I'm pretty sure that yesterday when I drove through the Long Island ghetto where I work blasting Raining Blood, it caused some people on the street to spontaneously combust, and I think at least one small child grew devil horns. Oh yea, think of the children, people. Force your kids to listen to Slayer on June 6th. It's good for them to learn early on about necrophelia and death and war and satan and all that good stuff. How charming would it be to gather around the table for the Slayer sacrificial dinner and have the kiddies recite:
Ambushed by the spray of lead
Count the bullet holes in your head.
Offspring sent out to cry,
Living mandatory suicide.
That's some quality holiday memories right there.
I'll be sure to remind you more of this important day as the holiday nears. Meanwhile, I've included some Slayer music for your listening pleasure. Please feel free to use it to spread the word of this special day. Like it says on the official site: National holidays in America aren't just about celebrating; they're about forcing it upon non-participants.