There Can Be Only One
Or, why the Warriors without baseball furies will suck
As you well know, I have issues with movie remakes. Sometimes, it seems all that movie industry is concentrating on now is remakes, updates, retellings and sequels. If you put all the people in Hollywood together, you might come up with one original idea between them. And this isn't it:
The Warriors is being remade by MTV Productions in conjunction with Paramount Pictures. This movie isn't really a remake at all since it is going to be set in Los Angeles in 2006 and none of the character names or gangs from the original movie will be in it.
Why? Why even call it The Warriors if it's going to be a completely different movie, except to cash in on the cult following of this pop-culture icon of bad movies? This is NOT a remake. Says director Tony Scott of the new Crips v. Blood version:
"You'll still get the same story, but we're reconstructing the family, reconstructing the characters, and I'm doing it in L.A. The original was in New York and everything went upwards; L.A. goes [length-wise]. And instead of 30 gang members, there's going to be 3,000 or 5,000.
Fuck you, Tony. That's not the same story. It's a completely different story with a stolen title and ready-made audience. The rumor mill says this is a rap-oriented movie and names floated around for starring roles include Ja Rule, 50 Cent and Method Man. You know what happens when you take a movie and try to make a full length MTV video out of it? You end up with Romeo and Juliet starring Leonardo DiCaprio.That, my friends, is not a good thing.
Warriors is the best in bad movies. It's cheesy, it's over-the-top, it's ridiculous in many ways. It was never meant to be a gritty urban drama about the dangers of gang violence and, according to interviews, it wasn't even supposed to be social commentary. Warriors was a fable. It was a fantasy. You can tell by the scenery, the directing, even the cinematography, that the movie was more of a nightmare dreamscape than anything based in reality. And now they are turning it into the very gritty urban drama it was never meant to be.
Scott prides himself on the fact that he is using real "gangbangers" in his production of the movie, referring to the real-life thugs as the boys several times. Ah, let's glorify gang violence and give it a nice Hollywood glow while we're at it. Fanfuckingtastic, Scott!
If you are of the same era as me, "Warriors, come out and playeeeyaaay" is part of your venacular. It pains me to think that years from now, I'm going to say something about 'The Warriors" and someone will say "which one?" You're not supposed to think Crips and Bloods and LA when you think Warriors.
And there will be NO BASEBALL FURIES. You hear that? They are taking the name of The Warriors for this blaspheme of a remake and there will be NO BASEBALL FURIES!
This is all part of a concerted effort to usurp every single thing from my childhood (did you know Weebles are back?) and pass ownership on to a different generation. Get your own damn catchphrases and stop ripping us off, man.
And I swear on everything that is holy in this world, if anyone ever tries to remake The Outsiders, I will kill them. Dead. With my bare hands. This I promise you.