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There Can Be Only One
Or, why the Warriors without baseball furies will suck

warriors.jpgAs you well know, I have issues with movie remakes. Sometimes, it seems all that movie industry is concentrating on now is remakes, updates, retellings and sequels. If you put all the people in Hollywood together, you might come up with one original idea between them. And this isn't it:

The Warriors is being remade by MTV Productions in conjunction with Paramount Pictures. This movie isn't really a remake at all since it is going to be set in Los Angeles in 2006 and none of the character names or gangs from the original movie will be in it.

Why? Why even call it The Warriors if it's going to be a completely different movie, except to cash in on the cult following of this pop-culture icon of bad movies? This is NOT a remake. Says director Tony Scott of the new Crips v. Blood version:

"You'll still get the same story, but we're reconstructing the family, reconstructing the characters, and I'm doing it in L.A. The original was in New York and everything went upwards; L.A. goes [length-wise]. And instead of 30 gang members, there's going to be 3,000 or 5,000.

Fuck you, Tony. That's not the same story. It's a completely different story with a stolen title and ready-made audience. The rumor mill says this is a rap-oriented movie and names floated around for starring roles include Ja Rule, 50 Cent and Method Man. You know what happens when you take a movie and try to make a full length MTV video out of it? You end up with Romeo and Juliet starring Leonardo DiCaprio.That, my friends, is not a good thing.

Warriors is the best in bad movies. It's cheesy, it's over-the-top, it's ridiculous in many ways. It was never meant to be a gritty urban drama about the dangers of gang violence and, according to interviews, it wasn't even supposed to be social commentary. Warriors was a fable. It was a fantasy. You can tell by the scenery, the directing, even the cinematography, that the movie was more of a nightmare dreamscape than anything based in reality. And now they are turning it into the very gritty urban drama it was never meant to be.

Scott prides himself on the fact that he is using real "gangbangers" in his production of the movie, referring to the real-life thugs as the boys several times. Ah, let's glorify gang violence and give it a nice Hollywood glow while we're at it. Fanfuckingtastic, Scott!

bfury.jpgIf you are of the same era as me, "Warriors, come out and playeeeyaaay" is part of your venacular. It pains me to think that years from now, I'm going to say something about 'The Warriors" and someone will say "which one?" You're not supposed to think Crips and Bloods and LA when you think Warriors.

And there will be NO BASEBALL FURIES. You hear that? They are taking the name of The Warriors for this blaspheme of a remake and there will be NO BASEBALL FURIES!

This is all part of a concerted effort to usurp every single thing from my childhood (did you know Weebles are back?) and pass ownership on to a different generation. Get your own damn catchphrases and stop ripping us off, man.

And I swear on everything that is holy in this world, if anyone ever tries to remake The Outsiders, I will kill them. Dead. With my bare hands. This I promise you.

Can you dig it?

Comments

There's also a Warrors video game coming out from the geniuses at Rockstar. God, I hope the hidden porn doesn't have Deborah Van Valkenburgh in it.

Interesting to note that the original 'Warriors', and the best, was based in part on a story from the ancient Greeks. Wiki has the details: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Warriors

She was cute, in a petulant sort of way.

Though she's over 50 now...

was based in part on a story from the ancient Greeks

Yes, it's like an epic fable.

Will it at least have the kids with the roller skates?

You've probably realized this by now, but the new Walter Hill Super-Duper Director's Cut of the movie just came out on DVD a couple days ago. I love that movie. Thank god for WPIX.

Yes I can.

It's like any Walter Hill movie, take a good dose of violence and twist it somehow. All of the gangbangers in The Warriors were dancers which added a grace to the fight choreography that you normally only see out of the Hong Kong Opera alumni (Jackie Chan, Let Li).

48 Hours had Nick Nolte blowing away bad guys with a scarey intensity offset by Eddie Murphy's one liners.

Has MTV movies EVER made anything that doesn't suck?

Wow, Deborah Van Valkenburgh was in the orginal production of Hair?

Death Rides a Pale Horse,
and Drives a White Car.

The Outsiders Return?! S.E. Hinton tale gets updated.

June 28, 2004 - There have been rumors online for awhile now that The Outsiders was going to be remade.
...

Well, it turns out those rumors are true. A casting notice posted at Star Search Casting says the new Outsiders will be told not only "from a 1963 point of view, but more of a hip-hop colored view for youth."

...

The character breakdowns say, for example, that protagonist Pony Boy will be "Age 14, American Indian, long hair, dark eyes, well built, slender."

Brooding good-bad boy Dallas Winston is "Age 16, caucasian, elfish face with pointed chin, blonde, tough appearance 5'9"."

Great, Legolas with Brylcreme.

This must be payback for that Stray Cats guy ripping off my parents' culture with that Rockabilly crap.

Why couldn't they remake 'Excalibur' with a hip-hop sensibility. I'd PAY to see Diddy, Bow-wow, Fifty Cent, Jay-Zee run around in shiny armor, riding motorcycles around Compton, just cast Beyonce as Morgana and have Eminem as Merlin and I'm there, with popcorn.

I did hear that about The Outsiders, but nothing has been said about since then (I read that article and it's from 2004).

I will go on a five state killing spree if this happens, though.

Tony Scott is a whore. I agree 1000%, michele, it's not a remake, it's a rip off. The Warriors is a classic, and tryinh to recapture that will be impossible. Especially in LA

Don'y these schlubs understand that you cannot bottle the magic and simply pour it out again?

Hopefull they'll never try to remake Escape From New York.

"Snake Pliskin? I heard you was dead.

I am"

I had pretty much the exact same problem with "The Fugitive". Although it wasn't my generation (it was my dad's), I watched it quite a bit with my dad. At one point, when I was getting along so poorly with my mom and to a lesser degree, my dad, it was the ONLY thing we could agree on besides red sox baseball.... and they hella-sucked at that point, so there wasn't a lot to say.

Along comes Harrison Ford (one of my favorite actors) and Tommy Lee Jones (another), borrowing the name and making a different, or slightly related movie.... and off Hollyweird goes on this remake tangent.

HIRE SOME DAMN SCRIPTWRITERS WITH ORIGINAL IDEAS AND STOP DESECRATING CLASSICS!!!!

Don't forget the original ACTION FIGURES!

I'm ready to go on that killing spree right now! The Warriors is an upper tier entry on my all-time fave movie list. I cannot hear the sounds of bottles clinking without reciting that freaky little dweasel's catchphrase.

And no Baseball Furies? That's like blasphemy. They were real, man. The Furies grew up, lost the face paint and changed their names and are now camped out in Yankee Stadium's Section 39.

I fully expect "Over the Edge" to be next up in the remake stupidity that so afflicts Hollywood these days. After that they'll start hitting the '80's. "River's Edge" maybe? I have no doubt "The Breakfeast Club" will one day be remade.

They better not mess with Over the Edge.

I hold that movie near and dear to my heart, right next to Warriors and the Outsiders.

When Hollywood remakes "Over the Top," a story about one man's journey to become the best in arm-wrestling, I'll be done with movies for good.

Quote "Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego" show chief:

"You looking good Warriors, real good, all the way back to Coney"

Swan: Why did you waste Cyrus/The Warriors plot?

Luther/Tony Scott : No reason, I just like doing things like that.

HEY! I just realized this. Not only did David Patrick Kelly and James Remar both play in "The Warriors" AND "48 Hrs.", but Kelly was named Luther in both movies (yeah, I have no life and things like this seem interesting to me)

Baseball Furies? Easiest Halloween costume ever. Just borrow your brother's baseball uniform, get some face paint, and off you go!

Hey, I liked that version of Romeo and Juliet.

And Jim S. "Scriptwriters with Original Ideas"? An oxymoron

Ah geez, Scott is fawning over gangbangers??!!

Just ONCE I'd like these "edgy hip, I'm down with the homes" Brentwood types would spend a week or so riding with my paramedic daughter in one of the nastiest places in So. Cal outside of South Central. She gets regularly threatened by these pillars of society. She'll be treating some guy with a gunshot wound and the homes will be jumping around her giving such support as "Listen you white bitch, you'd better save him, or I gonna track you down and pop a cap in you!"

argh.

"You gonna pay for that?"

"FOWHAT!!!!"

My favorite line...

The original "Warriors" was classic ("Gramercy Riffs!"). I am sooo not interested in any remakes of films I grew up with. Todays youth/pop culture can kiss my ass. I want to live on a remote island with peeps of my own generation. No one under 35 (except my wife).

Also, the remake of "The Fog" can also kiss my ass.

Has MTV movies EVER made anything that doesn't suck?
Nope.

Warriors...come out to play-e-aaay

Tony Scott dropped the ball...made an error.

I will go on a five state killing spree if this happens, though.

I'll drive you.

I cannot hear the sounds of bottles clinking without reciting that freaky little dweasel's catchphrase.

I'm with you there. And anytime somebody says "warriors" I add "come out and plaaayyyy."

Sheer blasphemy.

I guess I can't bring myself to give a damn. Don't like the movie? Don't go see it.

Thanks for your riveting commentary, James. You added so much to the conversation.

Don't care about the post? Don't comment.

At least this time it will be filmed by someone who has read Xenophon's Anabasis, not just the Cliff's Notes version..

Thanks for the mp3 link !!! It may have been cheesy, but watching it at age 10 on video (and videos hadn't been around that long) was really cool!

Don't like the movie? Don't go see it.

that's rather not the point. The problem comes from Societal Intergenerational Confusion that springs from a bad remake.Let's take "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas" as an example.

Until recently, you could talk about "The Grinch" and there'd be no question as to the subject of the discussion, it was the animated character by Dr. Seuss.

Not anymore. Now, thanks to Jim Carey our children and all future generations will have that abomination to contend with. Parents will say" No, not that Grinch ... no, not that Grinch, the OTHER Grinch.

Think of it this way - would there have been anything wrong with Kevin Costner adding a cameo appearance by a white whale to 'Water World' and calling it "Moby Dick"?

JohnO,

MTV made one movie that didn't suck, the brilliant dark comedy classic Election.

I wasn't aware they had made so many films tho. Compared to say, the 100% success rate of Pixar, the 2.8% success rate of MTV (1 of 35) is admittedly rather slim.

I've been fuming over this blasphemy for a while--but as long as the movie is going to be changed that radically (LA, not NY, hip-hop "artists" instead of unknown actors and (from what I've read elsewhere) Hong Kong style wirework and stunts (WTF?) I guess I don't care--this is going to be a completely different movie, just the same title.

Also, for those of you (on this site and elsewhere) the quote is "Warriors--come out TO play-ay!" Way too many people who claim to be fans who f*** that line up.

Note to JFH with regard to your post: "HEY! I just realized this. Not only did David Patrick Kelly and James Remar both play in "The Warriors" AND "48 Hrs.", but Kelly was named Luther in both movies."

Not only them but the actor who played BIlly Bear in "48 Hours" was also one of the cops in "The Warriors"--his only line was "HEY!" as he chases Swan and Mercy in the subway. He gets tripped up when Swan throws the bat at his legs.