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Of Costumes and Such

Halloween, 2002:

We went shopping for Halloween costumes today.

Me: Oh look, Natalie, Teletubbie costumes!
Natalie (who is almost 13): Mom!
Me: What about Bob the Builder?
Natalie: Mooooom!
Me: Fairy princess?
Natalie: I don't know you.

We look around a bit more and Natalie decides on wearing a black t-shirt that has a candy corn on it and says "sweet," black and orange striped stockings and a black skirt that used to be mine. I used to be thin. Sigh. She picks up orange hair spray and her outfit is complete.

Me: Now, what about you, DJ?
DJ: I don't know.
Me: Baseball player?
DJ: I've been a baseball player the last three years.
Me: Ninja?
DJ: No.
Me: Yu-Gi-Oh?
DJ: No.
Silence. Long pause while we look around.
DJ: Can I be Christina Aguilera?
Me: Umm....no.
DJ: You were going to let me be Britney Spears like two years ago.
Me: Thankfully you changed your mind.
DJ: Why can't I be Christina?
Me: Because she's a slut.
DJ: What's a slut?
Me: (stammer...stammer)
Natalie: A slut is a dirty girl who sells herself for money.
DJ: Like those girls we saw in the city last year?
Natalie: Yup.
Long silence. More looking.
DJ: Ok. I know what I want to be.
Me: What?
DJ: A hooker!!
Me: A baseball player.
Natalie: A baseball player in a dress?
DJ: Oh! Mike Piazza!


So, what was your best costume? Your worst (i.e, most embarrassing costume your mother forced you to wear)? What are you/your kids going as this year?


When I was a little kid, maybe four at most, my mom dressed me up like a devil for some children's party at her work or something. I was wearing a set of red footie pajammas that had a hood, and horns and a tail had been affixed. I was pissed. I hated Halloween, it scared the shit out of me, and it was fucking pointless. Why can't I just go to the store and buy candy like a normal person? Why do I have to wear my fucking pajamas in the middle of the day, hang out with all these people wearing scary shit, and look like a goddamn idiot? I was such a little turd that I sat outside the building on the steps. I hated Halloween when I was little.

I eventually got over that, but I don't think I've ever had a really outstanding costume. I've seen a few though. I saw some guys dressed up like a six pack of Corona once.

The last halloween (as a kid) when I went trick-or-treating, I dressed as a mummy. My mom got a bunch of the medical gauze and spent forever wrapping me in it.

The damn costume then lasted maybe 5 minutes outside before starting to all come off. And that was the last time I ever went trick-or-treating as a kid. Sigh.

I swear, this is a true story. Though I wish it weren't.

Back in the olden times, my elementary school (grades 1 to 6) used to have a Halloween parade on or around the afternoon of Halloween. By the time we reached grade 6, a good few of us felt it inappropriate to be traipsing around as a ghost or witch in the same parade with first graders who were dressed in essentially identical costumes.

It was a matter of honor to "forget" your costume on the day of the parade. Forgetting meant that you'd be relegated to the status of parade spectator (a role that permitted us to heckle those less fortunate than ourselves). This was an acknowledged right of passage at my school, and I eagerly looked forward to it.

Three years previous I'd been given a horsie costume that I became increasingly disillusioned with as the years progressed. The costume had a rather elaborate paper-mache horsehead mask, and I was first enchanted with it. By the second year I'd been-there-done-that. The third year had just been embarassing. But to wear it a fourth year would have been social suicide. The costume was one of those one-size-fits-ages-six-through-infinity type deals, and try as I might I simply couldn't outgrow the damned thing.

My mother loved that costume, and loved for me to wear it. I somehow managed to get out the door without her catching on that I'd given it the slip. I then spent the entire morning pleased as punch that I'd actually pulled this off. Then at lunchtime I was called into the Office and handed a bag that dear ol' Mom had dropped off at the school for me. Yeah, it was the friggin' horse costume.

So come the time for the parade, and I'm in the girls' room pulling on the one-piece horsie body and then stuffing my head into the horsie head. At least I didn't have any witnesses to pulling the thing on; all my classmates save one other dorky guy had managed to duck out on wearing costumes.

I came out of the girls' room, wandered to the playground where the parade is being organized, and got stuck at the back of the line (little kids first, oldest kids last). Sure enough, as I brought up the rear of the parade, the jeers increased. Indeed, the jeering increased expodentially as I passed my classmates and left them behind as I returned to the girls room to again don my clothes. [At this point of the tale, note the emphasis on "rear" and "behind". This should tip you off that a terrible discovery is about to happen.]

Upon taking the one piece outfit off, I discovered that this was a costume not intended for life beyond a few years. The thin material had completely atomized over the hind-quarters of the outfit, leaving my ass completely exposed for what I can only imagine was the entire march around my elementary school.

And that is the story of the first time in my life that I ever contemplated suicide.

Best costume -- probably the zombie prom queen. It gave me another excuse to wear my favorite old prom dress, so I dressed it up with spiderwebs and fake spiders, grayed up my hair, zombiefied my face and painted bruise marks around my neck to represent the strangling I got in the back seat of a car on prom night.

Worst costume was probably the hobo where mother smeared her stinky cigarette ashes all over my face...ugh. I wanted to barf.

This year the kids are going as Darth Vader and a Clone Trooper. At 3 and 5, they have already been successfully turned, mwa-ha-ha. And I swear to GOD that the idea was theirs and not mine, but no one believes me...

My favorite costume was Wonder Woman, even though the iron-on stars kept peeling off. This was the late 70s, and I wanted to fight crime with my bullet--deflecting wristbands.

The best costume, however, was the one that happened because the fabric store didn't have any pastel colored material on sale. My mother brought this ugly brown stuff to make my bunny costume, and rather than disappoint me, she told me that I was a chocolate Easter bunny. I was rather proud of that, even more so when I won first place at school that year.

Best Costume: The 'Death Knight'. I constructed a full body costume out of studded 'biker gear' gloves, wristbands, pants, and some doc martins. I had some spiked football shoulderpads, and a big helmet which added half a foot to me (I am 6'6). I won ALOT of costume contests with it.

Worst Costume: The 'Death Knight'. I almost had a stroke in that thing. Twice. It was a sauna. It was also a nightmare to go to the bathroom. Not to mention all the people who got poked around eye-level by the shoulderpads and wanted to sneak a punch in on my mask-blind self. But hey, it was worth it... for some reason women would come out of the woodwork to dance with my clumsy, unbalanced self.


I was a refridgerator for Halloween one year. It was pretty badass, I would open my doors and people would put candy on the shelves. The only problem was that everyone thought I was a Whirlpool washing machine and I got stuck in three different doorways.

My sister has a bit in her stand up comedy act about how our mother used to make us wear turtlnecks under our costumes. Not just any turtlenecks, but halloween turtlenecks. It is hard to look like an effective cow girl when you have orange sleeves with little sequined black cats all over them. It just loses something.

The best costume ever?

I wore it last year.

The Giant Whoopee Cushion!


Word to the wise, the costume itself is warm (I wore with boxer shorts but then again I live in San Diego) and a baseball cap helps the pffffftttttt top stay up and out of your face.

One more thing, cops find it very hilarious to talk to them about party noise while wearing this.

No, no. A "slut" is a dirty girl who gives herself away. The ones who sell are called "whores".

Not trying to be judgemental, mind you, just providing more rigorous definitions.

My boys will be skeletons, they wanted to be Michael Jordan and Lebron James, but I waasn't sure how to go about that! They always wear the jerseys anyway.

Tell your son to go as a Baseball Fury. Same costume, just a little face paint, and obscure but cool cache.

Tell your son to go as a Baseball Fury

That's awesome.

I won 'Best' and "Worst" costume at the same party -

A business trip cancelled so I got a last minute chance to go to my then girlfriend's costume party - every Halloween Party store had sold out the even half-way decent things.

So I took a Hefty bag, cut arm and head holes, duct taped the letter "U" and the letter "R" to the front and back and wore the bag.

I told people that thought it was a come as "U-R" party.

Half the people liked it.
Half hated it.

It turned out that half was the plurality for both categories.

I dressed up like a hooker one Halloween when I was seven years old! Oh okay -- not exactly. But my uncle, who was a meteorologist, spent a year working for some university or something in Japan, and my aunt and cousins went to live with him there too. They brought my sister and myself back a number of things, among them real Japanese oiled paper umbrellas (the Florida cockroaches finally got them years later), and a set of authentic Japanese kimonos and getas (which are those wooden sandals Japanese people used to wear, and sometimes still wear; they are uncomfortable as hell, because they are a chuck of wood with no padding, and two wobbly slats of wood perpindicular to the bottom to hold your feet above the mud -- we could hardly walk on them), along with these velvet socks that were kind of like foot mittens, so you could wear them with the sandals. Anyway, my mother and aunt dressed me and my sister up as geisha girls and we tottered all over the neighborhood like that. It was my one foray into ultra-femme dressing; after that I figured being alluring was just too damn difficult.

To help the mental picture I am about to plant, keep in mind that I am a 6'4", bearded male who was happily married at the time.

My best, and by best I mean most disturbing, costume was the year I went as a Nun.
I wore a habit, bright red tights, and black heels.
[BTW, mens size 13 heels, and the tights for that matter, were much easier to find than is really reasonable, considering that I live in a medium sized city in South Carolina.]

I also wore really slutty [for me, anyway] eyeliner and lipstick, and brandished a bright silver stainless steal ruler, much like a dominatrix with her riding crop.
I went by the name sister Mary Promiscuous; one guy told me I had cured the crush he had on nuns from back in his Catholic school days, so I guess some good came out of it.

I don't think I ever had any standout Halloween costumes. One of my brothers did one year, though.

Blue jeans, flannel shirt, suspenders, and a baseball bat. The finishing touch was a stuffed seal toy ... smeared liberally with ketchup.

you are so gay

christina aguilera aint a slut n a tink da best costume is a buny slut like out of mean girls its an excuse 2 dress up as a slut well if yo goin 2 a party! xxx

Scuse me? Is that English?