It's a Halloween Soda, it's a dessert topping, it's a floor wax!
The Jones Soda company is known for coming up with strange, holiday-centric flavors. Not to mention their weird regular flavors, like the daughter's favorite - blue bubblegum. Who wants to drink a soda that tastes like blue gum? Who even wants blue flavored gum in the first place?
I think it was Thanksgiving 2003 that Jones came out with the Turkey and Gravy soda. Last year it was Green Bean Casserole soda. Sort of like a Willy Wonka "meal in a stick of gum" idea. Without the nutrients.
So I was quite unsurprised to see, while strolling through the Target Halloween section, Jones Halloween flavored soda. It comes in tiny cans (small enough to be given out as Halloween treats, I would think) and four flavors, only two of which Target had in stock:
Candy Corn and Caramel Apple (missing are the Scary Berry Lemonade and the Strawberry Slime, neither of which sound overly unappetizing).
Let me preface all this by saying that I loathe soda. I hate carbonated beverages as a whole, except for Guinness
beer stout, which is smooth and rich and would never come in ridiculous flavors. Carbonation is the devil, it is born of evil and the bubbles are made from the flatulence of Satan himself. So the sacrifice I made here just to entertain and inform is a great one. Recognize, k?
The Candy Corn flavor looks like something pissed out by a person with a rare genital defect. It's quite reminsicent of Surge soda (the only soda I'll ever own up to actually liking, though I mostly drank it in its flat state, mixed with vodka) in that way:
And because it looks like toxic piss from a diseased penis, it's almost oxymoronic that the soda tastes like ass. Now, I really have no idea what ass tastes like, but I can assume that if ever I were to lick an ass, for whatever reason - and I don't mean just lick the baby fresh bottom of Jessica Alba's perfect rear end, but lick, say, the crack of King Kong Bundy's ass after he got said ass kicked by Andre the Giant, that's what this soda could be compared unfavorably to. All you have to know about this soda is that it has the appearance of what nuclear waste might look like. You could even say it glows.
Honestly, is there anyone out there who likes candy corn even in its natural, candy form? Mmmm...sugary wax shaped like a vegetable! No, it's not even shaped like corn. I've never seen a perfectly triangular piece of corn, have you? Maybe this wasn't the best Halloween candy to put into liquid form. You know what I'd like to see? Reeses Peanut Butter Cup soda. Now there's a Halloween candy. It even comes year round in Halloween colored packaging. Kids go crazy when you hand out Reeses on Halloween. You put a couple of those peanut butter cups in their grub bags and you are the Queen of the block.
Now, I know other people have reviewed these sodas before (and in a much more funny/extreme/ironic/post-modern way than I have) and I'm sure these drinks have been referred to by every adjective from toxic to rancid. I am going to shock - and probably appall - you here by saying that I like the Caramel Apple soda just fine. Considering my fear of carbonation, this is no small feat. The Caramel Apple soda actually looks normal, (the color of cream soda, in fact) and tastes like those lollipops that are really pieces of delicious, creamy caramel covered in a green apple candy coating. I love those pops because I love caramel apples. And I love anything that can make me feel like I've eaten a one without actually losing a filling to the caramel. Hence, I sort of like this soda and I would probably even venture to love it, to have a relationship of sorts with it, if it weren't for the satanic carbonation. Also, I've discovered that two or three sips is enough because after the third, you get that feeling as if your teeth have been coated in a sheen of sugar and it's crystalizing and forming a thin layer of rock candy right over your molars.
So, in summary (as they say in all science experiments):
The Candy Corn soda gets a rating of an asstastic one teeny tiny pumpkin and the only reason it didn't get zero or even 1/2 is because it tries. The whole idea of Halloween flavored soda is a brilliant one and I have to give it some props.
The Caramel Apple Soda gets two pumpkins; while better than the Candy Corn flavor, it's still soda, and it makes my teeth hurt.
I'll continue with Halloween treat reviews as long as I can find something to review that Matt hasn't already.
Update: I just decided that I really am going to give out these sodas as Halloween treats. I'll get one of those giant size witches cauldrons, fill it with ice and dump an assload of Jones Halloween soda cans in there. I'll still have candy, but I have a feeling my caudldron of liquid sugar is going to be a huge hit.