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Listomatic: Worst Horror/Scary Movies

We've talk about great horror movies over and over again. For a different take on my Halloween schtick, let's talk really, really bad horror/scary movies.

  1. Troll - recognizable actors do not help this low-budget, poorly scripted movie. It's as if the director was torn between making a scary children's and a horror parody. Neither Sonny Bono nor a character named Harry Potter can save this movie from being anything but BAD.
  2. Ring 2 - I called this "generic, uneven, predictable, poorly directed, hastily written, nonsenical." It also gave me the best unintentional laugh I've had during a horror movie. One word: Deer.
  3. The Village - I believe that when I reviewed this movie, I used the words asscake, assfrosting and ass-spoon.
  4. Parasite 3D - I actually saw this in the movie theater (1982) and I was all excited to see my favorite General Hospital actress - an unkown Demi Moore - make her big screen debut (ok, she made that movie Choices in '81, but I don't think anyone saw that). Awful does not begin to describe the acting, the writing, the directing or the effects. I've created better 3D on acid trips.
  5. Jeepers Creepers - so bad it displaced Kazaam as #1 on my Worst. Movie. Ever. list.
  6. Halloween H20 - this series should have been murdered after two
  7. (Tie) Stephen King movies: Children of the Corn and all its sequels, Christine, Cujo, The Dark Half, Dreamcatcher, Maximum Overdrive, The Shining (remake), Lawnmower Man 1 and 2, The Mangler 1, 2 and 3, Pet Sematary Two, Silver Bullet, The Tommyknockers and Secret Window, which rated five pieces of crap on the crap-o-meter. I am convinced Johnny Depp owed someone a favor.
  8. Blair Witch Project - Boooooooooooooooooooooring. I got ants in my pants after five minutes and the payoff was NOT worth the numb ass I got from sitting there trying not to fall asleep.
  9. House of 1,000 Corpses/Devil's Rejects - I love me some Rob Zombie but dude, stick to making music. There's a thin line between homage and uh...the opposite of homage.
  10. Any Friday the 13th movie after the first - ch-ch-ch-ch-ch gets real old, real fast, especially when you don't give a crap about any of the characters who are about to get slashed. Never before have I rooted so hard for the killer. Don't even get me started on Jason X.
  11. Land of the Dead - Romero's Return of the Clones

I could really go on like this for a while, but I'll let you take over from here.

Comments

So many horror movies are barrel fish. They're not worth the ammunition.

However, one well-regarded horror movie that was just awful on many levels was Coppola's "Bram Stoker's Dracula."

The love story was garbage and inconsistant with the possessive "Bram Stoker's." "I love you too much" to turn you into a vampire. Give me a break.

Hugely disappointing, Gary Oldman's performance notwithstanding. He was great. The script was junk.

House of 1,000 Corpses is so twisted I don't know what to make of it... I bought it anyway.

Nightmare on Elm Street sequels. First one was off the hook.

Well, I will disagree with The Blair Witch (I give them a lot of points for originality). The Blair Witch 2 was abyssmal, however.

The Lawnmower Man 1 & 2 shouldn't really count as Stephen King movies as they have absolutely nothing to do with the story (other than sharing a title). I know he had his name taken off the first one (though I suppose if he took any money, he's saddled with them)

2 alleged classics that totally suck:
Last House on the Left
Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Hmm I didn't consider "The Village" to be a "Horror Flick" to begin with. Thought it was a great movie, but there's no accounting for taste... :)

No one has mentioned Manos: The Hands of Fate? The movie was the result of a bet in which the director boasted he could create a major film for less than $20,000. It was shot in 8MM, yet intended to be shown in regular theaters. Worse yet, the camera they used couldn't record more than 30 seconds of film at any given time!

Troll 2 is even worse than the original.

I actually liked Blair Witch (not the sequel). I always thought if weird creepy stuff was going to happen, it would happen kind of ambiguously, like it did in that movie. Also, the reactions of the characters to being lost and freaked out were very true to life (I used to go camping and get creeped out a lot as a youngster).

Children of the Corn featured my very nice preschool teacher, Suzy Southam, who played the mom. I give it a pass for sentimental reasons.

Dave, Texas Chainsaw Massacre gets my vote, too. So gory, yet so incredibly boring.

Another one I'd add to the list is Ghoulies. Ha ha! Ugly creatures popping out of toilets. For an hour and a half.

I don't know if anyone else saw it...but as far as I remember, it TRIED to be scary:

Bad Moon.

Worst werewolf movie. Ever.

You left Firestarter off the Stephen King list. My favorite part was David Keith rubbing his temples, saying "you're blond" over and over.

Snake Eater wins, hands down. The truly frightening thing is that it did so well it spawned Snake Eater II and III.

Who watches this stuff?

Jesus Christ, there's a Mangler THREE? THREE movies based on a short story about a piece of demonic laundry equipment?

I'd take this list seriously if you included Jeepers Creepers 2. The pain I have recalling that one is only offset by the joy I got reading AICN message boards, where some complained that the movie did not adequately advance the mythology of the Creeper.

But I did not see Jeepers Creepers 2, having learned my lesson from the first one.

I hope you were forced to watch it because I'd hate to think you watched that on purpose. I think better of you than that.

Does this mean, then, that you've seen all three Manglers? On purpose?

One does not have to see a Mangler movie to know it's bad. It just....is.

I certainly agree on the King movies, I think the only one I 'kinda liked' was the original "Pet Semetary".

Anyone see "House of the Dead"? Supposedly based on the Sega video game.Look it up on IMDB.

Also "American Werewolf in Paris" blew.

My freind Bill was a featured extra in Children of the Corn. It's a horrible movie, but it's fun to watch him wave a machete and chant "kill... kill..."

I made the mistake of renting The Ring II...my roommate was about to throttle me, until Gary Cole, aka Lumberg from Office Space, appeared briefly...we spent the rest of the movie seeing how many office space jokes we could get out of The Ring...

"Jeepers Creepers 2: the Creepening" was on cable, late at night, and there was nothing on, and burglars had tied me to a chair and pushed me very close to the set.

I have no such excuse for "Ring 2."

I would add "I Spit On Your Grave". I hated that movie.

Nastiest, most pathetic excuse for a horror movie i've ever seen. Graphic, unecessarily long 30 minute scene that left me nauseous and then a if-Lifetime-did-empowered-women-featured -in-slasher/horror-movies type ending.

I really didnt mind Jeepers Creepers too much UP until the point they showed that THING that was the Creeper. I laughed when i saw it.. and it ruined the whole movie.

I don't like scary movies.

Why don't you write about things that I like?

This blog sucks.

Oh i forgot to add, I didn't like 28 Days Later either.. never have I seen a movie so hyped to be supposedly about zombies, that was so NOT about zombies.

Anyone see "House of the Dead"?

Never see a movie that has the name Uwe Boll attached to it.

I have no such excuse for "Ring 2."

My excuse was a 12 year old boy. Who HATED it.

I would add "I Spit On Your Grave".

I like it for sentimental reasons.

This blog sucks.

Wanna throw down, big boy?

I didn't like 28 Days Later either

Amen. 28 Days was NOT a zombie movie.

Are you 'blockquoting' in your comments? That kinda rules...

Yea, kinda dorky, I know.

To make it easier I use a Firefox extension that was mean for Fark. With a simple right click I can blockquote, put in img or html tags and play with the font.

When A Man Loves A Woman and Reality Bites were both zombie horror movies. I'm so frightened of wasting my life ever sitting through that trash again (my wife is to blame for both those horror stories).

On a more serious note, my cousin and I managed to get Texas Chainsaw Massace out on video when we were 10 years old (don't ask), and other than the meat hook bit it was so incredibly boring and stupid. If it couldn't scare a 10 year old.....

Wasn't Madonna playing a zombie in Swept Away? Does that count?

Best review I ever read was for "Halloween 3"when it was first released,it said simply "Even better than Halloween 4", pretty much stays in my pocket for all sequels.

I actually liked a few of the ones you listed; but then, I sortof enjoy bad horror. Jeepers Creepers (Until he takes the hat off), the Rob Zombie movies, some of the King movies are all within my threshold of bad-but-liked-it-anyway.

Then there's horror so bad even I can't take it. Uwe Boll didn't make this list, somehow, but he has to be at the pinnacle of bad, bad painful to watch horror movies. If his work even qualifies as "Horror", or "Movies", or "Work", which it certainly may not. I strongly lobby for number twelve to be "Anything ever made by Uwe Boll, ever".

Also...crap. There's some stupid small film I rented the same night as my first Uwe Boll film, and now I can't remember the name. But it was the lesser of the two, which made for an unpleasant evening.

And don't forget Scarecrow, probably my personal worst horror movie of all time.

Now list of sucky horror movies is complete without the 1972 classic, "Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things".

If you were lucky enough to have never seen it, just think "Night of the Living Dead" with a hippie cast.

EM, I saw that DVD in Suncoast Video last night - it was on sale for $5.99.

I decided it wasn't worth it, even for a laugh.

Another Stephen King stinker forgotten: Salems' Lot with David Soul from Starsky and Hutch

Another one for the Stephen King list: Thinner.

The book sucked, then the movie sucked more.

Joyride. Ugh. Blech. Ick. May I also add, Blargh? Plus, the way it ended sets up a potential Joyride 2: Curse of Candy Cane.