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QOD: Pirate Edition

I think these are age old questions, mulled over since the beginning of time. Or since pirates, anyhow.

Who would win in the following fights:

Pirates v. ninjas
Pirates v. evil clowns
Pirates v. aliens
Pirates v. zombies


Ninjas would beat pirates (a couple of shuriken in the head and game over from long range - even if it got close range, I'd take the katana).

Pirates would take the clowns - they would just run through them and not take any silly practical joke stuff.

Pirates vs Aliens - depends on the powers of the aliens. More info needed here.

Pirates vs Zombies - if its a 1 on 1 I'll take the pirates, but if they zombies have superior numbers they will just overwhelm as the zombies would have no regard for their personal wellbeing.

Lets hope this stirs healthy debate on this important issue.

Pirates v. ninjas

Depends. How many ninjas are we talking about? The Inverse Ninja Law says that the more ninjas there are, the less skilled they will be, as expressed by the following formula: Sum Ninja Effectiveness = 1/Ninjas.

(sigh) God, I don't want to go to work this morning.

Pirates v. ninjas

Chris Farley's Beverly Hills Ninja could take down a pirate. Come on.

Pirates v. evil clowns

There's no such thing as an evil clown. There's no such thing as an evil clown. There is no such thing as an evil clown. Please, no one put the fear into me again.

Pirates v. aliens

Pirates, most likely. Problem is their swords can only stand so much thick, sticky goo before they become unusable.

Pirates v. zombies

Pirates, easily. But they'd have no chance against the not-really-zombies that populate Resident Evil 4.

Pirates over ninjas. A thin little katana is no match for a cutlass.

Pirates over evil clowns. Dashing superior makeup wins every time.

Pirates over aliens. Unless of course it's the bitch queen from Aliens then we need Sigourney...Sigourney as a pirate...ooooh, I got the tinglies.

Pirates vs zombies. Are these voodoo zombies or bad science zombies? Because pirates totally kick ass with voodoo zombies. Bad science zombies require superior numbers.

I can't believe I wrote that.

With pirates in the fight, there's always a chance it could go either way. You can have sloppy antagonist pirates, or dashing protagonist pirates, or ruthless antagonist/protagonist pirates, or...

My gut says pirates win. But close consideration reveals it wouldn't be a sure bet.

Pirates v. Ninjas? C'mon, that's not fair. It's like asking me to pick between Han Solo v. Indiana Jones.

Ninjas - they're much more highly trained, did you know they can stand in your blindspot so you can't see them? I can only imagine how much easier this practice becomes when your opponent has a patch on one eye, a parrot obsturcting his peripheral on the other, and a goddamn stick for a leg. Ninjas all the way.

Pirates - Pirates would kick the poop out of evil clowns, mostly because any good pirate is more evil than an evil clown. Besides, what kind of self-respecting booty plunderer would allow himself to be defeated by a guy in floppy red shoes, polka-dotted pants, and rainbow suspenders?

Aliens - E.T. would kick some ass here. The lazers, mind control, tractor beams, and flying saucers would be too much for the pirates' 18-inch guns and rusty sabers. All your booty are belong to us.

Pirates - would beat zombies. It would be a hard fight, but pirates live for hacking, chopping, drowing, burning, blowing up their enemies. The zombies would provide an endless parade of amusement for these guys. Eventually though, the pirates would have diced up the zombies into a fine soup, which they would use as chum, and the sharks would eat them up. Bye bye zombies.


I'd wipe the poopdeck with all them scurvy barnacles with me supernatural powers!

You forgot to add Bugs Bunny to your list of pirate opponents.

Who can forget how he totally kicked Seafarin' (Yosemite) Sam's backside in those old WB cartoons??

"Avast there, you buck-toothed barnacle!"

I'm shocked. None of these were ever settled at World Wide Web Fights.

It would depend on which side of the 'v' you put Gary Oldman.

Gary Oldman as a pirate v. ninjas or pirates v. Gary Oldman as a ninja?

I still say someone ought to do a work-up on Gary Oldman as a evil ninja-zombie-pirate-clown.

Raised by a cruel ninja family, runs away, joins the circus, kidnapped by pirates and sold to a voodoo witch-doctor.

Pirates v. ninjas
Uhm, Ninjas, obviously. I am personally affronted that there was ever even a question about this.

Pirates v. evil clowns
Pirates, evil clowns would keep tripping over their big shoes.

Pirates v. aliens
Tough one, I'm going to go with Aliens because I think the pirates would be too drunk to pull a Siguorney Weaver.

Pirates v. zombies
Pirates, but with 2 exceptions. The Land of the Dead Zombies would slice up some pirate ass.
And Zombie Pirates would beat the regular pirates.

Pirates v Ninjas - that depends. Are the Pirates on their ship, or on land? A pirate cannot be surprised on his own ship, even if he's drunk. Ninjas aren't known for their seafaring abilities.

On land, drunk in a tavern, is a different matter.

Pirates beat evil clowns. No contest.

Aliens - that depends on a lot of factors. Probably pirates if it involves battles on a pirate ship. Aliens are out of their element on earth, but if they are so good that that doesn't matter, well, its probably aliens.

Zombies - its Pirates until they get overwhelmed by the zombies. The ratio would have to be 6 or 7 to 1 for zombies to win. Their strength is in numbers.

I've learned so much from this thread.

Pirates beat evil clowns and aliens, but lose to ninjas and zombies. Because ninjas and zombies are cooler than pirates.

Pirates v. ninjas
It depends. If the pirates are cursed zombie pirates, they win. Otherwise, they would probably lose.

Pirates v. evil clowns
I dunno. The pirates may not take the clowns seriously, giving the clowns the edge. Cursed zombie pirates would still win hands down.

Pirates v. aliens
Welp, if the aliens are of the 'disintegration ray' variety I have to give them the edge, even over cursed zombie pirates.

Pirates v. zombies
Cursed zombie pirates would have no problem with other zombies. Or other pirates. Regular pirates would win against regular zombies.

I'm gonna have to go with the majority on this one:

Pirates v. Ninjas - ninjas win, unless they're some kind of inbred ninjas or have some other major handicap.

Pirates v. Evil clowns - Pirates, hands down. They'd take one look at the clowns, mutter something pretty rank under their breath, and commence the runnings-through.

Pirates v. aliens - depends. If they're scary evil deathray aliens, or mindcontrol aliens, they have the upper hand. But if they're "We come in peace" aliens, or "Take us to your leader" aliens, well...let's just say that the crew will learn (courtesy of Cookie) that alien tastes just like chicken.

Pirates v. zombies - if it's one on one, pirates win. Unless they're multiplying zombies where if you hack an arm off, it grows into a whole new zombie, and the old zombie grows its arm back. Then, the pirates would be toast, because I don't think a pirate can resist cuttin' bits off of the Undead with his big ol' cutlass.

Of course, if they're the Jack Sparrow, foppy-drunk-womanizer kind of pirates, or the SWISHbuckling kind of pirates, all bets are off. I bet even a partly-evil clown could take down a really drunk pirate who was worried about messing up his foofy shirt.

1. Pirates vs ninjas - ninjas, pirates never see them coming.
2. Pirates vs evil clowns - pirates, of course. Unless they die laughing.
3. Pirates vs aliens. Pirates. Aliens can be stopped by a bunch of old people in lawn chairs.
4. Pirates vs zombies. Zombies. I can't remember the last time the Pirates won the pennant.