Have you ever gone to WalMart on the day when everyone is trying to fill out school supply lists? I nearly cried. I was stuck in the aisle between a hyperactive five year old ramming his cart into my heels and an enormous woman who kept waving the flab of her upper arms in my face as she hooted and hollered about "God damn WalMart doesn't have a God damn thing she ever wants," and she would not budge so I just kept asking her to please hand me a hole puncher. All I wanted was a hole puncher and she wouldn't give it to me, just one hole puncher and....
So we left. Went to Target and the school supply aisles had been crunched and squeezed into three feet of shelving behind the blow up Frankensteins and next to the prepare-ye-Christmas-is-coming garlands. A couple of notebooks, a lone orange Sharpie and two NSync folders left over from 1998 was what made up the entire secton. Seven frustrated mothers and one perspiring father were frothing at the mouth, cursing Target for clearing out the school stuff to make way for Holidays that aren't even around the corner yet and I was about to join the chorus, just raise my hands in the air and scream and.....OH MY GOD IS THAT JONES CANDY CORN SODA?? The hell with dividers and hole punches, I grabbed a four-pack of the soda and a four-pack of Jones Caramel Apple soda and hightailed it to the cash register, stopping only to scoop up two black one inch binders left lying in the aisle, the exact binders that DJ needed that I couldn't find anywhere else and maybe, just maybe he was right and he did have a lucky day today, though I doubt it had anything to do with his "lucky" Iron Maiden shirt that he wants to wear every. single. day.
The following conversation ensues, with me saying all my parts in a hoarse whisper, which adds a nice effect to the absurdity of it.
No, you can't wear it every day.
I had a good day today. I never have a good day at school. The shirt is LUCKY.
Your Pink Floyd shirt is lucky, too.
How do you know?
Because..uh....it told me.
My shirt told you it was lucky?
What did it say?
It said, "hey, I'm a lucky shirt, make DJ wear me tomorrow!"
Anyhow, he's wearing the Floyd shirt tomorrow, not because it's lucky and not because it talks, but because he spilled Snapple on Eddie. I heard him apologize to the shirt. I swear. So I snuck up on him and said I'M NOT CRAZY, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S CRAZY!
I still need a hole puncher.