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institutionalized

Have you ever gone to WalMart on the day when everyone is trying to fill out school supply lists? I nearly cried. I was stuck in the aisle between a hyperactive five year old ramming his cart into my heels and an enormous woman who kept waving the flab of her upper arms in my face as she hooted and hollered about "God damn WalMart doesn't have a God damn thing she ever wants," and she would not budge so I just kept asking her to please hand me a hole puncher. All I wanted was a hole puncher and she wouldn't give it to me, just one hole puncher and....

So we left. Went to Target and the school supply aisles had been crunched and squeezed into three feet of shelving behind the blow up Frankensteins and next to the prepare-ye-Christmas-is-coming garlands. A couple of notebooks, a lone orange Sharpie and two NSync folders left over from 1998 was what made up the entire secton. Seven frustrated mothers and one perspiring father were frothing at the mouth, cursing Target for clearing out the school stuff to make way for Holidays that aren't even around the corner yet and I was about to join the chorus, just raise my hands in the air and scream and.....OH MY GOD IS THAT JONES CANDY CORN SODA?? The hell with dividers and hole punches, I grabbed a four-pack of the soda and a four-pack of Jones Caramel Apple soda and hightailed it to the cash register, stopping only to scoop up two black one inch binders left lying in the aisle, the exact binders that DJ needed that I couldn't find anywhere else and maybe, just maybe he was right and he did have a lucky day today, though I doubt it had anything to do with his "lucky" Iron Maiden shirt that he wants to wear every. single. day.

The following conversation ensues, with me saying all my parts in a hoarse whisper, which adds a nice effect to the absurdity of it.

No, you can't wear it every day.
I had a good day today. I never have a good day at school. The shirt is LUCKY.
Your Pink Floyd shirt is lucky, too.
How do you know?
Because..uh....it told me.
My shirt told you it was lucky?
Yea.
What did it say?
It said, "hey, I'm a lucky shirt, make DJ wear me tomorrow!"
Mom?
Yea?
You're crazy.

Anyhow, he's wearing the Floyd shirt tomorrow, not because it's lucky and not because it talks, but because he spilled Snapple on Eddie. I heard him apologize to the shirt. I swear. So I snuck up on him and said I'M NOT CRAZY, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S CRAZY!

Deep breath.

I still need a hole puncher.

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Comments

You crack me up! I can't wait to have these kind of experiences with my son!

I was there today too. I was looking for boys underwear. There is not a pair of boys underwear left in NY state, I swear.

For the love of God, please post a review of those sodas once you drink them. Unless you had them last year, in which case, how were they?

You were Caught Somewhere in Time. Heh.

Sometimes I try to do things and it just doesn't work out the way I wanted
to.
I get real frustrated and I try hard to do it and I take my time and it
doesn't work out the way I wanted to.
It's like I concentrate real hard and it doesn't work out
Everything I do and everything I try never turns out
It's like I need time to figure these things out
But there's always someone there going

Hey Mike:
You know we've been noticing you've been having a lot of problems lately.You
know, maybe you should get away and maybe you should talk about it, maybe
you'll feel a lot better

And I go:
No it's okay, you know I'll figure it out, just leave me alone I'll figure
it out. You know I'll just work by myself.

And they go:
Well you know if you want to talk about it I'll be here you know and you'll
probably feel a lot better if you talk about it.

And I go:
No I don't want to I'm okay, I'll figure it out myself and they just keep
bugging me and they just keep bugging me and it builds up inside and it
builds up inside.

So you're gonna be institutionalized
You'll come out brainwashed with bloodshot eyes
You won't have any say
They'll brainwash you until you see their way.

I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized

They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
to give me the needed professional help
to protect me from the enemy, myself

I was in my room and I was just like staring at the wall thinking about
everything but then again I was thinking about nothing
And then my mom came in and I didn't even know she was there she called my
name and I didn't even hear it, and then she started screaming MIKE! MIKE!
And I go:
What, what's the matter
And she goes:
What's the matter with you?
I go:
There's nothing-wrong mom.
And she goes:
Don't tell me that, you're on drugs!
And I go:
No mom I'm not on drugs I'm okay, I was just thinking you know, why don't
you get me a pepsi.
And she goes:
NO you're on drugs!
I go:
Mom I'm okay, I'm just thinking.
She goes:
No you're not thinking, you're on drugs! Normal people don't act that way!
I go:
Mom just give me a Pepsi please
All I want is a Pepsi, and she wouldn't give it to me
All I wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi, and she wouldn't give it to me.
Just a Pepsi.

They give you a white shirt with long sleeves
Tied around you're back, you're treated like thieves
Drug you up because they're lazy
It's too much work to help a crazy

I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized

They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy, myself

I was sitting in my room and my mom and my dad came in and they pulled up
achair and they sat down, they go:
Mike, we need to talk to you
And I go:
Okay what's the matter
They go:
Me and your mom have been noticing lately that you've been having a lot of
problems, you've been going off for no reason and we're afraid you're gonna
hurt somebody, we're afraid you're gonna hurt yourself.
So we decided that it would be in your interest if we put you somewhere
where you could get the help that you need.
And I go:
Wait, what do you mean, what are you talking about, we decided!? My best
interest?! How can you know what's my best interest is? How can you say what
my best interest is? What are you trying to say, I'm crazy? When I went to
your schools, I went to your churches, I went to your institutional learning
facilities?! So how can you say I'm crazy.

They say they're gonna fix my brain
Alleviate my suffering and my pain
But by the time they fix my head
Mentally I'll be dead

I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized

They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy, myself

It doesn't matter the insurance money is about to run out anyhow. hahahaha

I'm sorry, but I had to do it Michele.

a hole puncher?

you can have mine. kids don't need it anymore.

I miss those days of shopping for school supplies.

I'm lying.

Man, I LOVED that "Repo Man" soundtrack!

what the heck does a 9 year old boy (or however old DJ is now) need with a hole puncher for school?

I don't have kids but the sight of the "Official School Supply Lists" and the aisles of the very specific items - which you know will sell out fast - make me shudder. (When I was a kid, the list was basically, #2 pencils, box of eight crayons, blunt scissors, small bottle child-safe glue, maybe some paper. No brands or sizes specified.) Now, it's like a freakin' Martha Stewart production to put together your kids school kit...

I should start a business where I have all the schools in the nation fax me their supply lists, I put together the kits with all the specified stuff, and then sell them to parents who don't want to deal with the "I have eight of the twelve things, now I have to drive to the next town and pray they have at least one of the four I'm missing" back-to-school deal.

Ricki, too late!

school kidz