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overheard

Trying to put together a story fortoday's theme at 100 Words I was reminded of all the overheard conversations I posted here. So, being the courteous, giving and out-of-fresh-blogging-ideas person I am, I decided to gather them all right here for your convenience.

  • At a PTA Conference

lady1: man, that really gets my goat.
lady 2: you don't have a goat
lady 1: what?
lady 2: you said it gets your goat. you don't have one. and even if you did, why would anyone want it?
lady 1: christ, it's a figure of speech
lady 2: yea i know. But..goats. you know?
long pause
lady 1: man, that really gets my tits

  • Also at a conference:

woman 1: this coffee is giving me a stomach ache
woman 2: go poop. you'll feel better
woman 1: yea. I'm gonna go drop some bombs on Afganhistan. Be back in a few.

  • In 7-11, by the coffee machine

Girl: What are we going to do tonight?
Guy: (shrugs) we could fuck for three hours or so...
Girl: Uh..I have my period.
Guy: (leeringly) not in your mouth, you don't.
(Girl slaps guy in the head)

  • Supermarket:

Woman 1: Mmmm... I love cheese danish. Let's get those.
Woman 2: Ick..no. My mom bought them once and they tasted like cum.

  • My daughter's basketball game:

Natalie (to teammate): What's your problem? You've been squirming around all night!
Girl: I...I have gas. It hurts.
Natalie. So? Fart!
Girl: I can't fart!! That's just so rude.
Natalie: You want to hear my fart motto?
Girl: I guess.
Natalie: Go with the flow, with the gas in your ass!
Girl (giggling): Go with the flow, with the gas in your ass!
Natalie: Yea, go for it!
Girl: (insert long, low fart sound here)
Natalie: See? You look better already.
Girl: I never knew a fart could be so good.
Natalie: Or smell so bad!

  • In Staples:

Woman 1: Remember when we were little, and we used to pee behind your pool?
Woman 2: Yea, we peed right in our bathing suits!
Woman 1: And the pee would drip down our legs.
Woman 2: And then we would jump right back in the pool. How gross!
Woman 1: Yea, but the spots on your legs that had pee on them would feel all warm when you hit the cold water.
Woman 2: And then your brother caught us that day and told us that chlorine and pee mixed together would make your legs grow hair on them.
Woman 1: Dick.
(pause in the conversation)
Woman 1: Don't you wish you could just pee in your pants any time you wanted?
Woman 2: That's what Depends are for.

  • Reception desk, doctor's office:

Receptionist: "Mr. Green! How have you been?"
Mr. Green (who is about 60 years old and is wearing a layer of gold chains over to go with his wide collar leisure suit): Great! I've got a twenty year old girlfriend and she's still a virgin!"
Receptionist: "Um...that's nice, Mr. Green."
Mr. Green: "Hey, I'm just kidding sweetie. You know I only date whores!"

  • Doctor's waiting room, same day as above:

Guy 1 (about 35-40 years old, has that freshly hungover look): "Hey, dude! I haven't seen you in months!
Guy 2: Oh..hey. How you been?
Guy 1: Not bad. Still not working, just drinking and shit.
Guy 2: You still fucking Samantha?
Guy 1: Nah, Samantha is fucking girls now.
Guy 2: Oh, I hear ya on that.
Guy 2: Oh, look there's that sniper thing (looks up at CNN on waiting room television). You know, I thought of you when that shit first happened.
Guy 1: Heh, you thought it was me?
Guy 2: Well, it wouldn't have been the first time you went around shooting people.

  • Supermarket:

woman: What should I make for dinner tonight?
man: Big fat titties!
woman: Excuse me?
man: Big fat titties rubbed in garlic and oil!
woman: (rolling eyes) We had chicken breast on Wednesday.

2 college age workers stacking shelves at Walgreens:

Guy: Hey, that guy was staring at your tits!
Girl: Nah, I don't think so. I've seen him in here before and I think he's gay.
Guy: Honey, even gay guys like tits.
Girl: No they don't!
Guy: Trust me on this one, ok?
Girl stares at guy for a few seconds. Guy blushes.
Girl: OH.MY.GOD! You're GAY! You are, aren't you?
Guy: I've been working here two weeks and you're just figuring that out?
Girl: Well, I...I...
Guy: As if my obsession with Elijah Wood didn't give it away?
Girl: OH.MY.GOD.
Guy: You're horrified, aren't you?
Girl: Dude, I am SO going to fix you up with my brother. You're coming over my house tonight.
Guy: OH, does he look like Elijah??

  • Parking lot at work:

Woman 1: You better go read your bible, you fucking whore!
Woman 2: I read the bible and you need to ask for forgiveness you dumb bitch!

Comments

At NCO leadership school - during a discussion on inappropriate sexual conduct.

Staff Sergeant: SO let me ask you, if your supervisor made a sexual advance and offered you a good performance report or a promotion, would you succumb?

Female Senior Airman: I wouldn't suck cum for anybody - no way. Gross.

Staff Sergeant: {long stare}

------------------------

So far, Reader's Digest has refused to run that in their 'Humor in Uniform' column.

awwwww, shoot.

#kicks, shuffles feet#

you guys get to eavesdrop on all the good conversations.

One of my favorite overheard comments (by someone else) is this one. (I'll warn you, that site's addictive.)

Wow. I always thought that New York was the culture capital of the US, and these conversations prove it.

Please dumb it down next time for those of us not in the cognoscenti - some of those concepts are way over my head.