A Small Victory

So not only is today my birthday, but it is mine and Justin's third wedding anniversary. So rather than wax raphsodic on what it feels like to turn 43 (much the same as 42 and 41, but not 40, because 40 found me wearing lace, drinking lots of tequila, dancing the macarena and saying I do) I will, instead, bore you to death with another telling of the marriage vows that almost were.

I wonder if it's ok to make myself a cake. I mean, no one in this house is up at this hour. Ok, maybe just a candle in a Hostess cupcake. Oh, how pathetic is that? I would wake everone up and demand a song and dance routine (ala Brady Bunch, but with only two kids) to go with whatever presents they bought me, but then I'd have to wish my husband a happy anniversary, thus taking the spotlight off of me, me, me.

Ok, I'm just kidding. I don't like spotlights. Or Hostess cupcakes. Too sweet. It's much easier to just sneak out of the house and wait for the inevitable text message from my daughter: "hpy bday - cn i have 10$ 2g2 movies w/ jen kthnxbye" and the phone call from my son "Are you coming home early? Can we go to Guitar Center when you get home? How come we have no Fruity Pebbles? Oh yea, happy birthday. Uhh...do we have any crazy glue?"

My dear husband, of course, will make sure he swings out of bed before I leave, wish me a happy birthday and a happy anniversary and have a cake made and presents wrapped and the crazy glue incident cleaned up before I get home. He's good like that.

I'm not being self obsessed here. I just love birthdays. Mine, yours, Nintendo's (that's October - stay tuned for that celebration) or my kids - to this day, even though they are both teenagers, I decorate the house with streamers and balloons the night before their birthday. I don't care if they hate it or think it's dorky. Celebrate life, people! Celebrate living! I have made it another freaking year on this planet! Considering some of the things I've done in the past, that's a miracle in its own right and damn straight I'm going to celebrate it.

Life is good. Being in my 40's is great. Instead of mourning these later life birthdays like I thought I would, I'm embracing them, because it just gets better every year.

Anyhow, I was supposed to be talking about my anniversary, not my birthday.

Our wedding was a lovely backyard affair; low key, casual dress, swimming, barbecue, lots of family and friends. Nancy can attest to the fact that it was a lovely affair and so could Chris if he were still talking to me. I got shit faced drunk (don't ever do tequila shots at your own wedding) and passed out cold before the groom could have his way with me on our wedding night. Oh, hush. I made it up to him.

We intended to write our own vows but, in the end, decided that we would leave that up to my bosses (the two judges) who were performing the ceremony. Good thing, because if we did write our own vows, it would have went something like this (yea, some of you have seen this before)(man, am I parenthetical today or what?)(oh, and these were written in 2002, so some of the referencs may be dated)

scene: Poolside, under a beautiful white canopy draped with tulle. The Judge is just about complete with the ceremony. (italicized commentary provided by various family members and friends)

Judge: Michele and Justin have written their own vows of love and honor. Michele would you please go first?

I motion to my sister and she brings me a shot of tequila. I down it quickly, cough a little, steady my feet and begin.

Me: Justin, there are many reasons why I love you and why I stand here today, joining you in the legal entanglement of marriage. It's been over three years since we met on the internet...

Internet? She told me she met him at a party!
Oh, I heard she met him through a friend of friend!
Internet? What's the internet?

Me: Remember that first road trip when I drove you back to Pennsylvania? We stopped at that abandoned train station and gave you a blowjob for the first time. (I stop here, teary eyed at the memory. My sister hands me another shot and a tissue).

What did she say?
I think she said he got a job at the train?
No, I think they had S-E-X on the train
A blowjob isn't sex, Aunt Mary!

Me: We have come a long way since that first time together. We have been through so many tough times, so many rough patches. And I forgive you for throwing that glass of orange juice at me..

Justin: And I forgive you for throwing that Kid Rock cd at my head.

Are they still talking about cock?
No, he said ROCK
He's got rocks in his head?
You think?

Me: All those hard times....when they cancelled Invader Zim you held me and told me it would be ok.

Justin: And when I lost the auction on eBay for the live Faith No More cd, you were there, holding my hand and comforting me.

Me: You have brought so much to this relationship - every issue of Sandman, so many action figures....

What the fuck are they talking about?
I don't know but I think his hand is up her dress.

Justin: And our family has grown so fast. When I first moved in we only had 58 channels. The computer had a dial-up modem and no room left on the hard drive. Now we have 179 channels, a cable modem and all the gigabytes one happy couple could ever need.

Did she just grab his ass?
I think the words hard drive turn her on.

Me: You know why I love you so much? Because you're only 22 years old, you can fuck like a wild jackrabbit and you're hung like a porn star. (my sisters both make a dash for the tequila shots. My mother faints. My father hides under the table. My friends cheer).

Yep, his hand is definitely up her dress now.

Judge: Ahem.

Me: Oh yes. Justin, I promise to love you through good times and bad. Even when our favorite shows are cancelled, I will still love you. Even when our favorite bands break up, I will still love you. Even when the cable modem goes out and our favorite websites get hacked and George Lucas ruins another episode of Star Wars, I will love you still.

Justin: And I will love you even through every re-released, re-edited edition of The Matrix. I will love you even when they run out of ideas for Friday the 13th sequels. I will love you through every new genre of punk rock, every unsubstantiated terrorist warning, every Microsoft upgrade security patch.

Oh, just say I DO already, the beer is getting warm!
Yea, I'm starving, get on with it, you freaks!
What the fuck are they talking about? Are they married yet? Can we start on the jello shots?

Judge: I now pronounce you husband and wife. We will take a short break while the bride goes home and blogs.

Dad: Hallelujah! Holy Shit! Where's the tylenol?

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Happy anniversary to my wonderful, amazing, gorgeous husband. And happy birthday to me. I feel no shame in saying that to myself (you have to read it not with a "pity me" inflection, but with a "hell yea" inflection) because I love birthdays and anniversaries and any reason to go out to dinner and have a margarita the size of a bathtub.