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The Official Pamela Anderson Give Away Contest

pandOh come ON. You didn't really think I was giving Pam away, did you? No, not even a blow up Pam. Not even a poster or video of Pam. Just her book.

As I mentioned yesterday, I received two copies of Pamela Anderson's novel Star Struck to give away here. The official blurb:

Star Wood Leigh is star struck in life and love. A hasty secret marriage to rock 'n' roll bad boy Jimi Deed triggers a chain of events that changes both of their lives. Together they soar to the heights of stardom and explore the dark side of celebrity. As their lives become more public, their secrets get even darker.

Well, they say write what you know.

And boy, does Pam get right into it. The opening of the book:

Why do my nipples hurt?

And thus, I've come up with an idea for the contest.

You are to come up with the follow-up sentences to that line. No more than five sentences. Points awarded for creativity, humor, absurdity, and quality of writing. Keeping in mind, of course, that the book is written by Pamela Anderson. Make it seem like it. And yes, grammar/spelling will count.

A panel of esteemed (and as yet unknown) judges will be sequestered starting 24 hours from now to determine the (two) winners, who will get a copy of this astounding addition to the annals of American literature.

And really, it's not just about the book. It's about winning something, anything. Like taking home that smelly, ratty stuffed turkey you won at the "throw the ring on the bottle" booth at the state fair. You didn't really want such a thing, but it proves your skill and talent and you will take it home and love it and hug it and squeeze it and call it George.

Just like that.

Contest starts now, closes tomorrow morning. Please leave all entries in the comments.


I got to give this a shot.

Why do my nipples hurt? Why is the sky blue? Why does the grass grow? Truely there are many enigmas in my life, but none so curious as that tingle I still get in my belly when watching David, excuse me, Mr. Hasselhoff come running up out of the ocean in the opening sequence from Baywatch.

Why do my nipples hurt? It's really weird. It's kind of like when somebody has their arm or leg cut off, they can still feel an itch where it used to be. I just get this sensation from time to time where Tommy (or was it Kid? Or Scott) would give a little nibble. Or maybe it's because I've been looking towards the future. For some reason I keep seeing myself next to Charo. First Charo, then me. Charo. Me. Why is that? And what connection does it have to my nipples?

The last thing I remember was snorting tequila out of Jimi's naval. He's got such a nice figure, which I guess you get from violent fits of puking that come with shooting heroine - but that's another thing I like about him, he's so willing to keep his figure, unlike the fat pig producers who thought they were so great just because I'd blow them at the drop of a hat.

But that still doesn't answer my question.

Why do my nipples hurt?

I removed the clamps hours ago. Yet there they are, throbbing like a jazz-funk bass at an Earth, Wind & Fire concert. I only have 30 minutes before my speech on nanotechnology at M.I.T., so I better find a way to relieve the pain. Let's see...Tylenol, toothpaste, Band-Aids. Hemmoroid cream??!! Crazy, but maybe just crazy enough to work.

The silence that had laid over the town for the better part of the night was shattered when a cool breeze passed through my blouse, causing my nipples to rip violently through the strong, Lycra™ encasing that had held them so tight.

Why do my nipples hurt? They should be the only part of me that doesn't hurt, considering all of the needles I've stuck in my body over the years.

Why do my nipples hurt? Like, they're made of plastic and stuff. So, um, why do they hurt? Omigod! Damn you, Gepetto! I'm turning into a real girl!

Why do my nipples hurt?

Oh, right. The leeches.

Why do my nipples hurt? I have little doubt that Kierkegaard struggled with the same question as he searched for meaning on the edge of the abyss, though he probably reached a different conclusion than have I. After years of introspection, I have realized that reality folds in upon itself, much like the silky creases of my vulvae. My nipples do not actually hurt, they are nothing but clusters of cells. It is my mind that judges the pain, an understanding Descartes attained without having to endure a lengthy and gruelling ass-to-mouth session.

Actually, I Stephen Hawking ripped this off for the beginning of "A Brief History of Time". Here is how it originally was written:

"A well-known scientist (some say it was Bertrand Russell) once gave a public lecture on astronomy. He described how the earth orbits around the sun and how the sun, in turn, orbits around the center of a vast collection of stars called our galaxy. At the end of the lecture, a little old lady at the back of the room got up and said: 'Why do my nipples hurt?'"

Leave it to Hawking to twist the nipples into something completely different. Damned intellectuals.

"Why do my nipples hurt?" "What did I do this time?" The questions were swirling in his head but the important one pushed its way to the front. "WHO did I do this time?" Having a psycho killer as an alternate personality was a bitch.

(I hate not being able to edit your own comments. I left out a "one" before "pushed".)

Fixed, Jim.

Why do my nipples hurt? I wondered as I gingerly rubbed Neosporin over the angry looking purple and red bumps. That is when I started to doubt the wisdom of using the ‘Acme Home Self Piercing Kit’ that I had purchased that very morning from the emaciated Pakistani street vendor downtown. I chalked it up as a learning experience and decided to check myself into the clinic before I went into Septic shock.

Why do my nipples hurt? And is it a good hurt or a bad hurting? A good hurting like when Tommy reaches up to tweak them while he's doing the alphabet with his tongue (I swear he can breathe through his ears). Or a bad hurt like when I ice them down all day on the set of VIPER to get them to stick out and then the skin tight material of my shirt chaffes them and leaves them raw and bleeding? I think this is a bad hurting. I also think that the next time I iron my shirt front - I should take the shirt off first.

Why do my nipples hurt? Because I want them to.My whole being is based on my glorious breasts,and sometimes they feel wonderful,most times they feel wonderful,but sometimes the yin/yang thing has to take hold,and at times like this my nipples need to hurt so that I can truly balance the times they feel ,well,spectacularely happy,like whne I expose their greatness to all my adoring fans or some white trash psycho musician,bathing in their adoration on the fineness that is my tits.So sometimes in the morning I pinch them myself until I feel the pain that I so rarely feel,it just seems right.It gives balance to my little universe of giant boobs.

Why do my nipples hurt?

That question echoed through my head as a shaft of early morning sun slanted through the closed blinds and splashed across the bed. I groaned as a few hazy memories came rolling back. The candle wax and alligator clips still littered the end table and to my horror the man and his band were still sprawled on the floor, their soft snores sending chills straight through me.

“What have I done?” I murmured and peeled the sheet away, staring with wide eyes at the teeth marks and bruises that decorated my girls, capped by two clothes pins that were still in place. Just then, he rolled over and cracked open one eye , taking me in with a lazy grin as his hand idly played with his nipple rings.

"Why do my nipples hurt? WHY DO MY NIPPLES HURT?"

"Calm down, calm down. Its a great line."

"I won't say it. I won't. Tom? Please?"

"Katie, its a good line. Really. If you do this scene, I promise, we'll have ice cream and go have another audit downtown."

"I don't WANT ice cream. I don't WANT another stupid audit with your stupid people and your stupid, STUPID things and all that and I can't say my nipples hurt because they DON'T and I just wanna cry!"

"Tom, here, I'll talk to her. Katie? Its me, Steven. Listen, everyone is counting on you. This is the scene where the aliens swoop down like stealth bombers and everyone runs around like a terrorist attack. Your nipples are a metaphor for that."

"My nipples are a symbolic image?"

"Yes. A metaphor for our time. Millions of people will see your painful nipples and have feelings they can't describe. Ask Tom, he knows."

"Its true, Katie. Remember when we were in Paris, and I told everyone I loved your nipples, and all the French people cried? Its the same thing. The VERY same thing."

"Ok. I need to wipe my nose."

"Here. Better?"


"Ok, back off and QUIET EVERYBODY, and...ACTION!"

Why do my nipples hurt?

Looking down I noticed the fading remnants of the spray-on latex covering that Ann had put all over my chest. I didn't question her at the time, and the not questioning led to last night's party, which I can only just barely remember.

I remember seeing my boss there, and that lustful grin on his face when he saw my latex covered chest. I was really freaked out.

The last thing I remember was being in the dunking booth....which makes me wonder why my butt hurts.

"Why do my nipples hurt?" she thought as she reopened her eyes. "Ouch.. my ass hurts, too." Then it all came back to her. All of the abuse at the hands of her new master, Michele. The savage, yet sweet, whipping and humiliation at such talented hands reawakened the primal passion she'd felt.

Why do my nipples hurt? The question wanders across my mind much as it rises to conscousness through the cloud of Codeine. The answer presents itself when I open my eyes, as I see Craig tweaking my nipples like a lonely cross-country motorist frantically adjusting radio knobs to keep from losing a fading AM radio signal. I sigh and roll away from his clumsy efforts, the dream of the Eurasian stewardess with the expert tongue already fading from my memory. Was it really worth this to get a part in what was sure to be a straight-to-video debacle?

Strike much in sentence #2, please. Not that it matters.

Why do my nipples hurt? Well, they say that when your palm itches it means that you're going to come into some money. So in this case, well, let's just say I'm wearing new underwear. Just in case.

Why do my nipples hurt? Oh yeah its because I forgot to ask Tommy take out his dick piercing before he titty fucked me!

Why do my nipples hurt? I wonder if it has anything to with having those Nike shoe pumps inserted into them? Maybe so, but it sure saves time when I want to change my breat size.

Make that "breast size".

Why do my nipples hurt when I stand close to the fan?

Why do my nipples hurt? Their our bunches of weerd queschuns like that one that I think about wile I am in the shower. The condishoner has to stay in my hare for about twenty minutes, so I have lots of time to think before I rinse and stuff. It has been verry important to be pretty, espeshully since I got married to the famous music man. Sutch is the life of Star Wood Leigh. I like biscuits.

"Why do my nipples hurt," Star thought, as she was awakened by the feel of rough hands caressing her naked breasts. She opened her eyes, expecting to see the hot, young college jock she'd been flirting with in the bar last night. The surprise of seeing an older woman shocked Star fully awake. She began to protest, but the waves of pleasure stopped the words in her throat. Her last thought before coming was "How the hell did Martha Stewart get here and why do my sheets smell so damn fresh?"

Why do my nipples hurt? Oh, wait. Maybe it's because I've just inserted them into a pile of scorching-hot sand. Yeah,that might have something to so with it. Maybe I should have brought a blanket of some sort. Hey, I wonder if, if I got up and stopped their being in said hot (and, now to think of it, scratchy) sand, they would stop hurting? It might be worth a try, anyhow.

"Why do my nipples hurt?" it was the question more than the pain that woke Star. As her eyes tried to focus on the room around her, she could feel the effects of the morphine slowly wearing off. "my nipples hurt" the thought continued rolling through her mind praying to run into anything resembling a reason.

This was the first time in 4 years, since her second breast enlargement, that she was able to feel her nipples. It would be 2 more hours before that occured to her.

No One of Consequence: DAMN YOU.

I was going to say that.

It all started the day I decided to empower myself through learning car repair. No longer would I been known as a blond bimbo joke. I felt a confidence in my mechanical abilities I had never known as I connected a vacuum pump to the solenoid nipple which had previously had the vacuum line that went to the throttle body.

Uh. Never mind.

Why do my nipples hurt? My widdle nippy-wippies? Well... as a matter of fact, it was a true sympathy fuck I'll have you know! That poor man, with his probate cancer, well... he deserved a good time. Y'know, once... just once before he shuffle-boarded off this mortal coil!

Okay, I don't want to win this contest, but I just want to say that my novel and her "novel" are almost exactly the same length, and yet she's going to sell millions, and I only sold about 75 copies. It's unfair...

Of course, I also didn't bang Tommy Lee and Kid Rock, and I don't have tremendous boobies, so I guess that gives her a tactical advantage.

"Why do my nipples hurt?"

To get to the other side.

Sorry. Fun contest, but the owner of the sore nipples is so vapid and useless that I can't summon any of my (usually bountiful) creativity to write anything good.

Why do my nipples hurt? Oh wait, these aren't my nipples. They're my husband, Jimi's. THESE are my nipples. And they feel good, very good. I'm going to tell you how it came to pass that my nipples feel the way they do, and why Jimi's hurt. This is our story.

Why do my nipples hurt? It's part of the curse of being a dumb blonde and being easily distracted when using the tire inflator at the gas station. (I was a couple of pounds low on the right, had to let some out on the left!)

"Why do my nipples hurt?" Pamela mused as she lay in bed, still drained from the previous nights reverie. She moved slowly, shifting in bed until the pillows piled beneath her shoulders and the bedsheet slid off her. Her new vantage point offered a better view of the room and her taught, naked body. She glanced down at her ample bosom and noticed how puffy her nipples were. Plum colored bruises marked either side of the nipples, that now seemed to throb as the chill air washed over her breasts.

Slowly she reached for the nighstand, flailing about unseen until her hand splashed into the ice bucket. She strained the water with her fingers and pulled a large cube from the bucket, pulling it slowly to her aching nipples. The room seemed so quiet as she lowered the cube to her right breast, and when a drop of ice cold water fell from the cube to the upturned nipple, a sharp intake of her breathe was the only sound to be heard. Slowly, hesitantly at first but then with a slow and even motion, she traced a lazy "o" around her nipples with the ice cube. The cold of the ice numbed the pain in her nipples even as they grew more erect and firmer from her constant ministration.

"Damn Klaus and his fucking nipple clamps!" she muttered with disgust as she inspected the damaged flesh, "'I promise, this won't leave a mahk my dahlink.' Won't leave a mark my ass!" and at that she noticed that her ass twitched. She remembered now, the night before, the playful games at the party. The paddles, the ball gag, leather straps that held her fast between the columns, bound hand and foot and left to the mercy of Klaus and his guests. She'd only one rule on game night, and Klaus knew it well, and that was NO MARKS! She'd had her doubts about the weighted nipple clamps that the now accursed Klaus had affixed to her perfect breasts.

"For this that bastard will pay," she thought as she continued to treat her swollen nipples with ice from the bucket, "He will pay, I swear!"

"Why do my nipples hurt?"

Raising the covers she peered down apprehensively to see a silver hoop with a small skull hanging from each nipple. Quickly she glanced up at the poster hanging over her bed. It showed a young rock & roller screaming into a microphone, and yes he had identical rings in both ears. Stretching languidly she closed her eyes and reflected on the previously evening. The last thing she remembered was security letting her backstage, but it didn't matter she knew it had been a good night.

Why do my nipples hurt?

After a night of sex followed by uneasy dreams, Star Wood Leigh woke up in bed, lifted the covers, and looked down to see that she had turned into a giant insect. A sexy giant insect. One whose nipples hurt.

"Why do my nipples hurt? Why do my nipple hurt," thought the Blonde. "Oh why did I blurt that out instead of what the first line of the song was supposed to be? I can't believe I said that instead of 'O say can you see.'"

Why do my nipples hurt? Oh yeah, they're not my nipples anymore... haven't been for years. I wonder what the doctor did with mine anyway? Well, whatever.