Insomnia Blogging: Shut Up, Brain
This insomnia is killing me.
It's not the kind of insomnia where you never fall asleep and you just stay awake all the time, struggling to shut your brain down. Been there, done that. It's great weight loss program, by the way. Downside: Also a mind loss program.
What I'm going through now is a different sort of insomnia. I have no problem getting into bed and passing out. This usually happens at about 10:30, when my eyes roll in back of my head as I'm trying to focus on whatever book I'm reading. My husband will come in at about 11:00 to shut the light and pry the book out of my dead hands.
And then midnight comes. I bolt awake. WIDE awake. Laying there-staring at the clock-hearing every sound awake. I count, I sing to myself, I do some meditative breathing. Nothing. I. Am. Awake. I don't get up out of bed, because that would be giving in to it. I toss and turn struggle to get back to sleep. And maybe I do, for twenty minutes or so. And then I'm awake again and now my brain is on full speed and here comes the thinking, and a conversation with myself:
Brain: Do we have enough money to pay the bills this month?
Me: Yes, yes we do, so go back to sleep.
Brain: Did you turn the sprinklers off?
Me: Yes, you did.
Brain: Front door locked?
Brain: OH! Do you have something ready to wear to work tomorrow?
Me: YES, god damn it. Now go back to sleep.
Here, my brain becomes my enemy. Because just as I'm about to drift off into sleep again it decides to tap me on the shoulder, softly, like a child waking a parent up in the middle of the night to announce he's peed the bed.
Me: WHAT? What do you want NOW?
Brain: Just want to remind you your birthday is next month. 43.
Me: Yea, ok. Whatever.
Brain: 43. How's that writing career coming?
Did you see that Family Guy episode where Stewie asks Brian about his novel?
Stewie: How you uh, how you comin' on that novel you're working on? Huh? Gotta a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Gotta, gotta nice litte story you're working on there? Your big novel you've been working on for 3 years? Huh?
It goes on like that for a bit. That's what my brain does to me at night. It is the Stewie to my Brian.
Anyhow, 3am comes and my brain is still talking to me.
Brain: Uhh.. I know you have to get up in two hours, but I just wanted to know: When can we expect something great of you? When do you think we'll live up to people's expectations?
Me: Oh..how about...NEVER? Now please, I have to get some sleep.
Brain: Ok, I was just wondering. Because I was thinking that, you know, you're in the second half of your life now and, well, here's a thought: What if this is what you were meant to do with what you have?
Me: What? Meant to do what?
Brain: What if if this is it? Writing on a weblog. Putting your thoughts down on the internet every day. What if this IS it, if this is as far as your writing career ever goes, this being a BLOGGER?
I hate my brain.
The clock blinks to 4:59. I click the button before the alarm can go off. I get up, make coffee, turn on the computer and figure out what to write in the blog.
Maybe if I just accept it, I'll finally get some sleep.