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(Blogger) Match Game '05!

Every Friday (or most Fridays) I play a blog version of Match Game over at Mikey's. This week, I'm giving Mikey a little break and I'll be hosting the game here. I have a stellar panel all lined up and their answers are already tucked away in a secret location, guarded by two pit bulls and a Gary Coleman.

MG-Spin.gifFor you youngsters who may be unfamiliar with how the game works, Match Game was a tv game show that aired (the best version, anyhow) back in the 70's. There was a panel of six celebrities that were given a fill-in-the-blank sentence, and their job was to try to match what the contestants put in the blank. It was a very simple concept and sounds a bit boring. But, when nearly all the questions had possible suggestive answers and that alcohol was served to the celebrities during taping, boredom rarely came into play. The frank sexual jokes, the constant flirting, the obviousl drunkeness of the panelists, the way they smoked right on camera, the innuendos of host Gene Rayburn - Match Game was one of the highlights of my childhood. I would rush home from school every day to make sure I was in front of that tv when the show started. And while I did get most of the jokes back then, they are so much more enjoyable - and shocking - now (in repeats on the Game Show Network). What they got away back in the day would give half this prudish nation heart attacks today.

The questions I came up with aren't that great (honestly, I found three of them in a Google search). If I had more time (read: If I remembered sooner that I promised to cover this week) they might have been better. But what really matters is what the contestants and the panel make out of the questions, right? And YOU are the contestants, so it falls on you to make something good out of this.

Let me introduce you to the panel:

Update: by popular demand, the theme song!

mg2.jpg

Ah, no. Wrong panel. Here we go:

As far as I know, none of them are washed-up, alcoholic, chain smoking, horny celebrities. Well, I can't vouch for the horny part. Or can I?

I'll put the questions up now, and your job is to fill in the blanks. If you want to be outrageous/funny/offensive as possible, go ahead, but keep in mind that the true spirit of the show is to try to match as many panelists as you can. Or at least hope the panelists didn't try to be outrageous/funny/offensive.

Ah, what the hell. Do what you want. But I will crown a winner - the person who gets the most matches - at the end of the day. There's no prize, but you get all that adulation and shit. What? Sure you do.

Are you ready for Match Game '05?

  1. The cave man said, "I just went to a very unusual wedding. A dinosaur ______(ed) the bride."
  2. Lex Luthor is so evil... (How evil is he?) He's so evil he lowers the moral standing at a ____________convention!
  3. Urban Legends sure have changed from when I was kid. Yesterday, I was told that Lindsay Lohan died when she mixed Pop Rocks with ______________.
  4. "I just had to take out the appendix of the Jolly Green Giant. It wasn't easy. I had to use ____________.
  5. Dick Cheney has been asked to join the SuperFriends. He will now be known as Captain__________.

Bonus Round:

balls.jpg

There's liquor in the green room. Help yourselves, lose your inhibitions and leave your answers in the comments.

The panelist answers will be posted this afternoon.

And feel free to link. More traffic equals more funny answers for you to enjoy!

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I'm on today's Match Game panel at Michele's today. (Psssst. So's Allah.) Go on over there and play along. (You can join us at Les Nessman too, you know...) Update: Today.... [Read More]

Comments

Gene Reyburn, correcting himself:

Pretty dimples,
you have very pretty dimp-ples.

Anyway ...

The cave man said, "I just went to a very unusual wedding. A dinosaur ______(ed) the bride."

  • kissed.

    Lex Luthor is so evil... (How evil is he?) He's so evil he lowers the moral standing at a ____________convention!
  • bloggers

Urban Legends sure have changed from when I was kid. Yesterday, I was told that Lindsay Lohan died when she mixed Pop Rocks with ______________.

  • Zima

"I just had to take out the appendix of the Jolly Green Giant. It wasn't easy. I had to use ____________.

  • a garden hoe

Dick Cheney has been asked to join the SuperFriends. He will now be known as Captain__________.

  • Halliburton

Bonus Round:

Rubber Balls

I'm a healthy woman just over 40. So, I'm horny by definition.

1. ate
2. lawyers
3. heroin
4. backhoe
5. Dyspepsia

Sausage

What the hell are sausage balls??

1. A dinosaur ate the bride.
2. lowers the moral standing at an attorney convention.
3. mixed Pop Rocks with Starbucks coffee.
4. I had to use a bunker buster.
5. Captain Undisclosed Location

Bonus:

Matzo Balls

do I win?

1. Whoopied
2. Republican National Committee
3. The Olson Twins
4. Tom Cruise
5. Cardiac

Bonus: Space

1. devoured
2. NAMBLA
3. Red Bull
4. salad tongs
5. Pacemaker
SuperMatch: Blue

When I was a kid, I didn't get most of the "naughty" jokes, which makes me wonder why I enjoyed the show, in retrospect.

Anyways....
1. ate
2. United Nations Employee
3. Cocaine
4. MSG
5. McHitlerBurton

Bonus Round: Cue

1. smashed
2. U.N.
3. abs inthe (sic)
4. a weedwhacker
5. Heart Attack

Bonus Round: cheese balls

1.)licked
2.)NAMBLA
3.)Crack
4.)spoon
5.)Cardio Arrhythmia

or..
5.) Angioplasty

We can't get a wav of the theme music up in here? I mean, really.

As far as I know, none of them are washed-up, alcoholic, chain smoking, horny celebrities. Well, I can't vouch for the horny part.

I'm horny and washed up. Does that make me the Charles Nelson Reilly of the group?

I was aiming for Richard Dawson.

1. kiss(ed)
2. Hair Club For Men
3. blow jobs
4. a butcher knife
5. Collagen

Bonus: Moth Balls!

1. gave away
2. Mary Kay (c'mon, you know they're evil)
3. Crack
4. Salad Tongs
5. Dick

Bonus: Meat

1. : Kidnapped
2. : Republican/Democratic
3. : Sperm
4. : Scuba gear
5. : Beefheart

Bonus : Chocolate Salty

1) ate
2) serial killers [Sandman, anyone?]
3) champaign
4) a weedeater
5) Cardiac

Bonus: Gum

1. fucked
2. hookers
3. KY Jelly
4. a Garden Weasel
5. Stern (get it?)

Bonus: Chocolate Salty Balls

Will this be the thing that breaks my writer's block? Doubtful, but I'll give it a shot.

1. fucked
2. hookers
3. cocaine
4. a crane
5. Halliburton

Apologies for the duplicates; I told you I'm suffering a creative crisis. What can I say, great minds think alike?

I forgot the Bonus already:

Ben Wah

1. Carried
2. Priests
3. Alka Seltzer
4. Vegamatic
5. Carb

Bonus: Fire Balls

Beth, you're supposed to have duplicates - that's the point, to match! :)

(Though, of course, one probably should skip to the bottom and enter answers before looking at other peoples'.)

1. ...ran away with...
2. ...Aruban Dutch National...
3. M&Ms.
4. ...a spork.
5. ...

Bonus: Have to go with the classic:

Godzilla ate my...

1. dry-humped

2. plushie

3. ex-lax

4. paraquat

5. Profanity

Bonus: Happy Fun

1. Married
2. Political
3. Driving
4. Hedge trimmers
5. Haliburton

Bonus:
Matzah

1. Kiss
2. Near-sighted proctologist (now that's evil!)
3. Atkins
4. Salad forks
5. Triple-bypass (his super power is sitting)

B: Blue (it was "___ Christmas," right?)

1. boned
2. hooker's
3. crystal meth
4. a spork
5. Cheesy Thighs

Bonus: blue

1) digested

2)political

3)slim fast

4)a weed wacker

5)cholesteral

Bonus)Schwetty

1. Gave Away
2. Lawyer
3. Pop Music
4. Apple Corer
5. Bad Ticker

Bonus: Brass (in recognition of our hostess)

1. boned
2. NAMBLa
3. Red Bull
4. Salad tongs
5. Invisible

Bonus: Super balls

1. dinosaur ate the bride
2. Republican National convention
3. mixed pop rocks with a pint of semen
4. a sickle
5. Captain WeakHeart

Bonus: Cock & Balls

1. the dinosaur mangled the bride
2. a scientology convention
3. pop rocks and cocaine
4. I had to use my knife AND fork
5. Captain Planet

Bonus. Chicken Balls

1. Tripped
2. MoveOn.org
3. Mikey
4. a backhoe
5. Cardio!
Bonus: Space

The cave man said, "I just went to a very unusual wedding. A dinosaur ______(ed) the bride."

WAS

Lex Luthor is so evil... (How evil is he?) He's so evil he lowers the moral standing at a ____________convention!

KRYPTONITE

Urban Legends sure have changed from when I was kid. Yesterday, I was told that Lindsay Lohan died when she mixed Pop Rocks with ______________.

HAIR COLOR

"I just had to take out the appendix of the Jolly Green Giant. It wasn't easy. I had to use ____________.

BROCCOLI

Dick Cheney has been asked to join the SuperFriends. He will now be known as Captain__________.

HIDE

Super Match

BIG (AC/DC fan, you know)

Awesome, Emperor. I was listening to "Big Balls" when I made the questions, that's how I got the bonus round.

but we've got the biggest... balls of them all!

"Sausage Balls" -- inside joke.