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Lifetime TV: Spanking Your Monkey [Updated]

Just a reminder that I won't be live blogging Hit Me Baby tonight due to the asscrapitty level of the acts this evening.

Also, I will be glued to the television, watching this, which just may shape up to be this generation's Reefer Madness.

In just a few mouse clicks, good-natured student and athlete Justin Peterson (Jeremy Sumpter) went from your average hormonally charged teen to an Internet porn addict. He puts his future and family into total turmoil by letting curiosity turn into obsession.

OHMYGOD, Justin's got the PORN! He..he...touched himself!

And if they think they are going to hammer home the "Masturbation is an evil epidemic" point with their viewers, one only needs to read the Lifetime message boards to see 5,000 "The guy playing Justin is SOOOO HOT!!!1!!OMGWTFILOVEHIMHEMAKESMEWET!!" comments to see that Lifetime is unwittingly adding to the crime wave of masturbation and porn surfing that they are trying to stop. Oh, the irony, Lifetime. The irony!

Yea, this is going to be good.

[this is not to say that porn addiction isn't a problem for some people, but cliched, badly acted made-for-cable-tv movies are always ripe for the picking. Hey..you...with the hair palms....I see what you're doing....bad monkey!

Update: You have to read this. Now. Ohmylord, the movie uses the phrase virgin vaginas. I told you this is going to be good. (link via Allah)

Ok, apparently part of this movie deals with how much the kid puts on his parents' credit cards for porn. HELLO?? FREE PORN? It's everywhere you want to be!


This movie is horrible. HORRIBLE. I think it's about to break into some weird incest sub-plot. He's going to do his mom, I know it!

I mean, he has a hot mom, a girl that won't put out and a whore sending him porn. No wonder the guy is diddling himself to anonymous naked chicks!

AHA! We have discovered the real issue of this movie. It's not pornography. It's not masturbating. It's that the mother is a driven, overbearing, frustrated bitch who is pissed that her son is not living up to her expectations. Also, if you masturbate, you have to wait two hours before swimming.

Oh my god, this fantasy sequence in the pool - nothing will beat this. NOTHING.


I just can't torture myself anymore. I turned it off. That whole gym shower scene was too retarded for words. Yea, high school guys are gonna beat up on another guy for being into porn. They would be asking him for passwords, high fiving him and maybe giving him a little something on the side.

Really, the only thing this movie needs is "I learned it from watching you, dad. I LEARNED IT FROM YOU!'

Alright, they've got twenty minutes to wrap this up.

And I bet it's not going to end with hot mom/son/girlfriend action.

After all this, he doesn't know how to do it. Either that or he feels bad for cheating on his right hand. And look what he did to the poor whoresluthobag. She banged her head, dude.

Now the mother is freaking out at the computer.



(Ok, this Fruit of the Loom commercial ROCKS)

Mom, I do have a problem. And you're right I can't handle it alone.

Here comes the incest!


That's pretty radical.
Yea, I need to get radical.

Man, I haven't laughed this hard since Backdoor Sluts 3: In Breaking Training.

Wow. Gayest. Ending. Ever.

And as they cut to the "an important announcement from Lifetime" part, I'm signing off. I am now afeared of porn, computers and boys in locker rooms. Thanks a LOT, Lifetime!


It can't be as ridiculous as that video clip in the sidebar makes it look.

Can't fuckin' be.

On second thought, yeah, it can.

He puts his future and family into total turmoil by letting curiosity turn into obsession.

What the fuck--I don't remember selling the rights to my life story.

Yeah, it's all fun and games, until the parents sign for the RealDoll they didn't know they ordered.

Wow. Porn is evil. It causes people to make awful anti-porn movies like this.

Man. And I thought I was missing out on all sorts of good stuff what with the TV being busted and all.

Dude, that's the kid who played Peter Pan.

Apart from the ick factor of that, could they possibly have cast a boy who isn't currently drowning in horny teenage girls? Suspension of disbelief, anyone?

You're so missing the best Hit Me Baby ever. Glass Tiger just rocked the urrr, what the.... AAAAAAAAAaarghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

This is the Avenging Angel of Rock...nevermind the rest of this post, Timmer's been bad, We Who Must Rock must punish him...no Hubris, not in a way he'd enjoy...but We are available for parties.

As Michele hinted at, the real significance of this story is that our educational system is producing kids who are too ignorant to find all the untold terabytes of free porn floating around the World Wild Web...

(Many) teen boys like naked ladies? What will they think of next. Watch for Justin on "Intervention."

Oh, and re: asscrappityness? I couldn't agree more.

It's that the mother is a driven, overbearing, frustrated bitch who is pissed that her son is not living up to her expectations.

Does she drive a minivan? That would be so cliche...

Hey now....

I drive a mini-van. And I channeled all of my pushy, overbearing energy into being a model soccer mom for my sons (and daughter as well).

Swim team - heh. Must be something about those Speedos.

I thought that was a parody at first. You've nailed the idiocy of that "issue" movie quite well. If only other defenders of porn could come off so well as you.

Perhaps I should rephrase that.

Oh...uh...present company accepted, Trish.

Where have you gone, Mr. Tom Servo?
A nation turns its lonely eyes to you...

Ironic they put that episode on the same night Title 18 Sec 2257 amendments go into effect shutting a lot of porn sites down.


I had something brilliant to add 2 minutes ago but lost it. Oh, here I go...

They aired it just in time for the new 2257 legislation to be passed.

Online porn is basically done for.

I do agree about the whole Reefer Madness thing, though.

Not to nitpick, but the original marjiuana commercial quote was way dirtier in this context.

"From you, Dad! I learned it by watching you."

Josh - that link is some scary shit.

Let's go down the list: I'm an occasional traveler on the interstate 420 (Raich) and free pr0n afficionado (18 U.S.C. 2257), living in a house (Kelo) and donator to Senate races (McCain-Feingold), with deep reservations as to the central US government (flag-burning amendment to be).


"Virgin Vaginas" would be the ultimate band name.

I'm sorry, but if my Mom was Kelly Lynch, I would gladly accept Hell as the penalty for incest.

You have to wait 2 hours after masturbating to go swimming? Damn, I never would have been able to swim as a teenager. Good thing I didn't know that.

Internet porn is self-limiting. I mean, you have to be able to see the monitor, and if you don't stop you go blind.

Hmmm. What about gay porn? The fact that this movie only deals with naked ladies makes me think it's safe...