Lifetime TV: Spanking Your Monkey [Updated]
Just a reminder that I won't be live blogging Hit Me Baby tonight due to the asscrapitty level of the acts this evening.
Also, I will be glued to the television, watching this, which just may shape up to be this generation's Reefer Madness.
In just a few mouse clicks, good-natured student and athlete Justin Peterson (Jeremy Sumpter) went from your average hormonally charged teen to an Internet porn addict. He puts his future and family into total turmoil by letting curiosity turn into obsession.
OHMYGOD, Justin's got the PORN! He..he...touched himself!
And if they think they are going to hammer home the "Masturbation is an evil epidemic" point with their viewers, one only needs to read the Lifetime message boards to see 5,000 "The guy playing Justin is SOOOO HOT!!!1!!OMGWTFILOVEHIMHEMAKESMEWET!!" comments to see that Lifetime is unwittingly adding to the crime wave of masturbation and porn surfing that they are trying to stop. Oh, the irony, Lifetime. The irony!
Yea, this is going to be good.
[this is not to say that porn addiction isn't a problem for some people, but cliched, badly acted made-for-cable-tv movies are always ripe for the picking. Hey..you...with the hair palms....I see what you're doing....bad monkey!
Ok, apparently part of this movie deals with how much the kid puts on his parents' credit cards for porn. HELLO?? FREE PORN? It's everywhere you want to be!
This movie is horrible. HORRIBLE. I think it's about to break into some weird incest sub-plot. He's going to do his mom, I know it!
I mean, he has a hot mom, a girl that won't put out and a whore sending him porn. No wonder the guy is diddling himself to anonymous naked chicks!
AHA! We have discovered the real issue of this movie. It's not pornography. It's not masturbating. It's that the mother is a driven, overbearing, frustrated bitch who is pissed that her son is not living up to her expectations. Also, if you masturbate, you have to wait two hours before swimming.
Oh my god, this fantasy sequence in the pool - nothing will beat this. NOTHING.
REEFER MADNESS, BABY!
I just can't torture myself anymore. I turned it off. That whole gym shower scene was too retarded for words. Yea, high school guys are gonna beat up on another guy for being into porn. They would be asking him for passwords, high fiving him and maybe giving him a little something on the side.
Really, the only thing this movie needs is "I learned it from watching you, dad. I LEARNED IT FROM YOU!'
Alright, they've got twenty minutes to wrap this up.
And I bet it's not going to end with hot mom/son/girlfriend action.
After all this, he doesn't know how to do it. Either that or he feels bad for cheating on his right hand. And look what he did to the poor whoresluthobag. She banged her head, dude.
Now the mother is freaking out at the computer.
WE'RE BEING BEING ATTACKED BY POP-UPS! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SAVE US!! OHMYGOD THE PORN IS IN THE HOUSE! IT'S. IN. THE. HOUSE. GET OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!
MY SON'S PENIS IS DESTROYING OUR FAMILY!
(Ok, this Fruit of the Loom commercial ROCKS)
Mom, I do have a problem. And you're right I can't handle it alone.
Here comes the incest!
That's pretty radical.
Yea, I need to get radical.
Man, I haven't laughed this hard since Backdoor Sluts 3: In Breaking Training.
Wow. Gayest. Ending. Ever.
And as they cut to the "an important announcement from Lifetime" part, I'm signing off. I am now afeared of porn, computers and boys in locker rooms. Thanks a LOT, Lifetime!