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Father's Day


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Updated from yesterday - there's a slew of new dads on there. Some aren't exactly role model fathers, I thought it would be nice to give the evil/bad dads a shout out as well. Some of them are instantly recognizable, some of them only a few of you might get. But they're all (fictional) dads, and today is their day.

A few quotes about fatherhood from Homer:

homer21.jpgThe code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Lisa, if you don't like your job, you don't strike: you just go in every day and do it really half assed. That's the American way.

Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening!

When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.

I never apologize Lisa, I'm sorry but that's just the way I am.

Marge, donít discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. Itís what separates us from the animals Ö except the weasel.

I won't lie to you, fatherhood isn't easy like motherhood.

And Peter Griffin, being a wonderful father and role model:

Peter: I want the father-son relationship that the Gumbles have.
Lois: The Gumbles are brothers.

---

Peter: Ok, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. A homicidal murderer tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let him kill?
Brian: That's not a riddle. That's ... that's just terrible.
Peter: Wrong, the ugly one!

--

Chris: Dad, what's the blow-hole for?
Peter: I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.

"See, Meg, things always work out if you just do whatever you want without thinking about the consequences."

--

Peter: Our children our greatest treasure. They deserve a school board president who doesn't leave her feminine ointments in the fridge next to the mustard. That was the worst sandwich I ever ate! She flosses in bed. She snores like a wildebeest. She freed Willie Horton. She nailed Donna Rice.
Lois: Peter, that's enough.
Peter: Eats babies.

Lastly, some amazing insights from the best fictional father ever, Calvin's dad:

Q. Where does the sun go when it sets?
A. The sun sets in the west. In Arizona actually, near Flagstaff. That's why the rocks there are so red.

Q. How come old photographs are always black and white? Didn't they have color film back then?
A. Sure they did. In fact, those old photographs are in color. It's just that the world was black and white then. The world didn't turn color until sometime in the 1930s, and it was pretty grainy color for a while, too.

Q. Why do my eyes shut when I sneeze?
A. If your lids weren't closed, the force of the explosion would blow your eyeballs out and stretch the optic nerve, so your eyes would flop around and you'd have to point them with your hands to see anything.

Q. What causes the wind?
A. Trees sneezing.

C: Were there dinosaurs when you were a kid dad?
D: Oh sure, your grandfather and I used to put on leopard skins and hunt brontosaurus for all the rituals.

Happy Father's Day to all the dads, step-dads, like-a-dads and dad to be's out there.

Comments

Well, I could only name 36 of your dads. Very cool collage and quite a challenge!

I think I've got a parenting style pretty close to Calvin's dad, especially now that my kids are older. When they were little, they would fall for my fantastic explanations ... then I would have to backtrack and explain that no, I was just making that up, which put my credibility on shaky ground.

Yup, I've raised 2 smart alecky, sarcastic kids all on my own ... I'm very proud. ;-)

Darth Vader has kids? Maybe we'll get to see them in the next movie along with that small moon they were building at the end of the last one.

Not in the lineup, but I do recommend Rick Bragg's "Ava's Man" about his grandfather. A better portrait of what it means to be a man and a father (warts and all) has rarely been portrayed.

I am my kids' Dad, nuff said!!!

Great Calvin note, though my favorite always was the conversation about photographs:

C: Dad, how come old photographs are always black and white? Didn't they have color film back then?
D: Sure they did. In fact, those old photographs ARE in color. It's just the WORLD was black and white then.

C: Really?
D: Yep. The world didn't turn color until sometime in the 1930s, and it was pretty grainy color for a while, too.

C: That's really weird.
D: Well, truth is stranger than fiction.

C: But then why are old PAINTINGS in color?! If the world was black and white, wouldn't artists have painted it that way?
D: Not necessarily. A lot of great artists were insane.

C: But...but how could they have painted in color anyway? Wouldn't their paints have been shades of gray back then?
D: Of course. But they turned colors like everything else did in the '30s.

C: So why didn't old black and white photos turn color too?
D: Because they were color pictures of black and white, remember?

C: The world it a complicated place, Hobbes.
H: Whenever it seems that way, I take a nap in a tree and wait for dinner.

Another nugget of wisdom from Calvin's dad:

"Dad, how do people make babies?"
"Most people just go to Sears, buy the kit, and follow the assembly instructions."
"I came from SEARS??"
"No. You were a blue light special at K Mart. Almost as good, and a lot cheaper."
"AAUUGHHH!!"
(Mom, from out of the frame) "DEAR, WHAT ARE YOU TELLING CALVIN NOW??"

Oh man, thanks for the quotes. Specially the Calvin ones.