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quacking up

One more day until the teeth pulling commences, which means one more day of intermittent pain coupled with extended periods of foggy loopiness. Which means that by Friday, I should be back to giving you more content than than links to my pictures and random lists.

I'm offering up a repeat today, but it's not just a random repeat. Donald Duck's birthday has come around again and I thought you'd all like to be reminded about how much I hate cartoon animals who don't wear pants.

Happy Birthday Donald Duck, You Dirty Old Man

Yesterday marked Donald Duck's 70th birthday. How did I ever miss this incredible cultural milestone? How did I let the day go by without commemorating this stupendous event?

Oh, that's right. I hate Donald Duck.

I look at Donald in the same way some people look at Crispin Glover. There's just a wrongness about him that makes my skin crawl. I suppose, to be fair, I shouldn't blame it entirely on Donald himself. I feel the same way about any animated animal that doesn't wear pants.

Why bother wearing a shirt if you aren't going to put a decent pair of trousers on? Even shorts or a bathing suit would be better than letting your genital-less nether regions hang out like that. It's just wrong, I tell you. The fact that Daisy refuses to wear a skirt or pants either just makes it all the more horrible to look at.

Do you let your kids watch Donald Duck cartoons? You shouldn't. No one should have to stand for Disney's veiled attempt to pass partial cartoon nudity onto our children. Where are the warnings? Where is the PG rating?

It's not just the no pants thing that bothers me. Donald's whole personality, in a word, sucks. He's selfish, obnoxious and a really bad role model for his nephews. He's got a worse temper than Tommy Lasorda. I wonder just what goes on that we don't see with those nephews. Ten to one he's hit them more than once. Probably with a belt buckle or a shoe. He's also a stingy miser (much like his Uncle). This stuff is documented, people. I'm not making it up.

He is continually jealous of Mickey's good looks and luck with women. But no, nothing is ever Donald's fault. He just sits around and bitches about Mickey and Goofy and how easy they have it. Not once does he try to better himself or his life. Instead, he chooses to complain about how life isn't fair. The dude has a chip on his shoulder larger than, well, Chip. And that Daisy, she's just an enabler who continues to try to soothe Donald's frail ego every time he does something wrong. Hmm..I wonder what goes on with them behind closed doors? I'm willing to be the sex includes a lot of "I said turn over, bitch!" and such. She takes whatever he gives her, and what he doesn't give her, which is respect and proper attention. Dumb bitch. Eh, what can you expect from a chick that doesn't even have the decency to wear at least a thong in public? No wonder the girls today dress like they do! They've been raised watching pantless animals!

And what's wrong with Disney, expecting us to be entertained by Donald's long line of failures and defeat? I may not like the duck, but I would certainly back him up if he were to go to Eisner and claim exploitation.

It is my contention that Donald Duck is in serious need of some medication. Perhaps Zoloft or Prozac, something to help those mood swings and control his passive aggressiveness.

But what Donald really needs is a pair of pants. I keep looking for his duck dong; not because I want to see it but because it's pretty damn obvious that if Donald is wearing no pants, his thing is going to be swaying around. I suppose this is one for that scary group of folks known as furries to answer for me. Too bad I won't let myself get within ten feet of one of those folk. Do the folks at Disney think we're that stupid, that we are supposed to believe that ducks have no dicks? Then again, maybe that's why Donald is so angry all the time.

Well, happy birthday anyhow, Donald. You're 70 71 now. Calm the hell down, put on a pair of slacks and give Daisy some lovin'.

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Comments

A very astute analysis of Mr. Duck.

A question I have is all this "Uncle" business. Donald has "Uncle Scrooge". Yet, we never see Donalds parents or any of his siblings...Why are Huey, Dewey and Louie are entrusted to his care. What happened to the boys parents?

Is this really a family structure or some kind of strange male duck cult where the elders are "Uncles" and the subordinates "Nephews"?

I think Daisy had better watch her uncovered ass before she is used as breeding stock to a new brood of unholy "Nephews".

What DOES happen to the female ducks once their purpose has been met?

Another intriguing issue is the matter of Goofy and Pluto. Both appear to be part of the canine family, yet Goofy seems to be a more evolved speciman. Goofy has deveolped rudimentary language skills and a coherent, if tacky fashion sense. Pluto, on the other hand shows signs of sentience, but is still relegated to "pet" status.

It seems that in the Disney universe, the most evolved anthropomorphic denizen is Jiminy Cricket. This natty fellow has a fantastic singing voice, a well developed sense of morality and looks like a million bucks! Why, he's a prototypical metrosexual! Even Micky can't match that!

It is no surprise that Donald suffers from poor self-esteem. He occupies the second to last rung on the social ladder. Only Pluto is his whipping boy. Even Donalds "nephews" are too sharp for him...they are always pulling the wool over his eyes. Add in Donalds dificulties with basic speech and you have a Freudian time bomb ready to explode.

Then there was Duckman, who never even wore a shirt, fercrissake.

And apparently none of these cartoon ducks reproduce sexually; there exists an episode of Duckman in which our, um, hero, confronted by a Major Babe, admits to his sidekick sotto voce that "It's times like this I wish I had a penis."

Donald and Daisy: Worst. 69. Ever.

I look forward to the Google hits you'll get from this one (e.g. "dicks thong duck bitches").

Is Donald an Argentine? If so he's hung bigger than John Holmes!

So, you hit the painkillers pretty early, eh Michele? Because the "foggy loopiness" seems to have set in sometime around 6:28AM.

So do this mean Bugs Bunny is out too? Don't recall him wearing pants or a shirt, for that matter.

Unless, of course, he's in drag then the "no pants" rule wouldn't apply!

Hot Bill-on-bill Action.

Ruffling tailfeathers.

Hmmm, you're right. Filth. FILTH, I say.

Why am I "Goofy?" Well, heck, you'd be goofy too if a mouse signed your paycheck and your immediate supervisor was a duck with anger-management issues!

Bugs Bunny only wore clothes when he played "dress up" for some scam. He did wear gloves all the time, though...whatever that means! lol

You need to read the comics and stop watching the cartoons, Michele! Donald's great in the former, with many classic stories.

About his nephews; there is a long tradition in heroic fiction of boys having great adventures with their uncles. I think the theory is that parents cramp the kids' style too much and would be unwilling to expose the boys to any kind of danger. Plus of course by portraying the uncle as intemperate (a la Donald) you are not demeaning parents. Or something like that.

Jack Hannah directed most of the early Donald Duck cartoons, including the one that won an Academy Award. He also invented the chipmunks Chip and Dale (I hear they're male strippers now in Baltimore). I have a painting by Hannah that my sister claims looks like a burning church (see link).

http://home.comcast.net/%7Eb.giese/paintings/hannah.html

Rent for yourself the critically acclaimed short, "Donald Duck in MathMagicLand." Not only will you love Donald Duck, but you and any kids you show it to will learn to love math, too.

[Donald Duck's] got a worse temper than Tommy Lasorda.

Heh, I think you meant to say Billy Martin. ;-)

"Do the folks at Disney think we're that stupid, that we are supposed to believe that ducks have no dicks?

The funny thing is, while ducks, like other birds, have bills, they are very definitely peckerless. (Har har)

Birds of both sexes have an organ known as a cloaca. Can you say cloaca? That was very good. The cloaca is a combination reproductive organ and anal sphincter. Birds mate by lining each others' cloacas up, whereupon, after sufficient sordid goings-on, the male ejects his canard custard into the female, while she hollers out "Aflac me harder, like that, oh, oh, oh, yessss!!!", if she's one of those screamers.

Hope this was helpful.

Michele, I hate you for making me think of Disney cartoon characters having sex.

If you'll excuse me, I'm off to give my head a 20 gauge enema.

The writer of this article is no doubt a complete idiot that has no personal life. Stay off the drugs lady.

I, too, am absolutely bewildered about cartoon characters not having sex organs.
I just don't get it.
(but i did know about the duck part)