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burping up the star wars theme

first, I promise it will not be all Star Wars, all day today.

Here's how I know I have a problem. I hate Burger King. Loathe the food, despise the creepy King commercials, want to throw a broken bottle at Hootie's head. Yet there I was last night, idling at the drive-thru while I tried to get the person who apparently didn't speak/understand English to tell me what toys they had in stock. Finally, I just asked for all of them. All. Of. Them. I annunciated loudly, the way you do when you think someone can't understand you and somehow saying it louder will help. And, of course, he didn't understand me because when I got home and looked in the bags, the order was all messed up. I ended up eating ice cream for dinner. Which was fine, because I had my little toys to play with.

Anyhow, I'd like to apologize for the general suckiness of this blog lately. It's hard to be creative when your head is full of snot and you're being attacked by an angry mob of pollen. This morning seems to be no different, so I'm just going to offer up a timely repeat, which happens to be my most requested repeat/link ever (yes, I take requests). I don't think there's a person who reads this blog today that hasn't seen this one already, but filler is filler and on-topic filler is better.

Don't Pee in the Millennium Falcon

Every family has those special sayings. The ones that only the people in their family know the meaning of, usually related to some inside joke or a story that is the family's version of an urban legend.

Yes, we have them. We have several, actually, but this is my most often used saying and my favorite just for the looks I get from other people when I say it.

When DJ turned four (you just knew this would have something to do with DJ, didn't you?) he was a Star Wars freak of the highest order. Ok, we all were. For his birthday that year, he got a whole batch of Star Wars toys, including this humongous replica of the Millennium Falcon, complete with flashing lights and sound effects. He enjoyed this present immensely, often playing with it for hours at a time. He would sometimes take his figures from other toy sets - knights and pirates and cowboys - and put them in the Millennium Falcon. He would then have Han Solo boss them around. It was fun to watch.

So one day I go in his bedroom and I notice a strange odor. I can't quite put my finger on what it is, and I start looking around the room for moldy food or drink cups or small, dead animals. Finally, I pinpoint where the smell is coming from. The Millennium Falcon. I look into it, and see that a small flood has invaded its interior. Han Solo and Pocahantas are floating together in a stream of.....of....what's that? Piss?? Piss in the Millennium Falcon? I went ballistic. I screamed and yelled and acted sufficiently horrified, all the while fighting the urge to let out this maniacal laugh. The laughter that comes from witnessing the absurd.

DJ stood there watching me, a small grin playing around the corners of his mouth. He wanted to smile. He wanted to laugh. Hell, he wanted to do a jiggy dance right there because his little antic served its purpose. He wanted a reaction. He got it. I didn't really know what else to say at the point. So I put my hand on my hip and pointed sternly at him. "Young man," I said. "You do not pee in the Millennium Falcon!" He nodded his head in agreement, still stifling that laugh. I made him take the offending toy outside, hose it down and the throw it in the garbage can. Which, of course, made him cry and realize the gravity of his action.

A couple of days later, we are in Chucky Cheese’s. They have one of those big, winding tunnels that the kids can crawl through and torment each other. It's suspended about 8 feet above the rest of the play area and it's basically impossible to get to the kids when you want to leave. The kids know this. I read my kids the riot act before they go to play. Coming here is a privilege, I explain. When I say it's time to go, we go. So an hour later it's time to go and they look down at me from the opaque orange tube of kiddie hell and stick their tongues out at me. I go to the end of the tube and yell at them. They laugh. I say something about taking good things for granted. They laugh. I then yell "Do not pee in the Millennium Falcon!" Heads turn, the place goes quiet. Everyone is staring. Two seconds later, the kids are down the slide and in their coats. They knew what I meant.

The phrase has found its place in the twisted lingo of our family. We use it at opportune moments, in our home and in public, and it always makes its point and gets the job done.

Do not pee in the Millennium Falcon. Our family's golden rule.


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Burping Up The Star Wars Theme Here’s how I know I have a problem. I hate Burger King. Loathe the food, despise the creepy King commercials, want to throw a broken bottle at Hootie’s head. Yet there I was last night, idling at the drive-thr... [Read More]


So... what you're saying is... don't pee in the Millenium Falcon? sigh I knew I had it wrong.

I was in line at BK yesterday, watching a clueless counter person and an equally clueless grandparent try to pick out one of the SW toys for a preschooler.

"Which one you want, baby?" asks the grandma.

"Robot!" says the girl.

Countermoron looks dully up and down the display case (past 3-PO and R2): "I don't see no robot, these all look like heads."

Senile oldster: "Honey, they don't have any robots."

Tyke: "I want the robot!"

Counteridiot picks out Millennium Falcon. "This is kinda like a robot - it's got wheels."

Depends junkie: "How about that fuzzy one over there?"

Counterdoofus: "I don't think we're supposed to let little kids have that one, they could choke."

And it got worse. Granny ended up buying only food and no toy, but promised they come back next week, "when the robots come in."

When it was my turn, I pointed to R2 and asked "How much for the white fireplug?"

I bought it with my meal, walked over to where the kid was sitting and gave it to her on the way out.

On the way out, heard Grandma say: "That's no robot, that's a garbage can."

Good for you, kev! We geeks must stand together, no matter how young or how old we are.

Great stories guys. Gave me a much-needed laugh.

Heh. Golden rule. Pee. Heh