bark at the moon
(may contain papal inaccuracies)
So I received an email last night asking:
How come you didn't write anything about the Pope? You write glowing obituaries for the most obscure of pop culture figures but this world figure dies and you don't say a thing?
Well, xxx, in case you haven't noticed, I'm an atheist. Do you think some guy who runs a classical music blog wrote anything when Joey Ramone died? Probably not. Get my drift?
After I returned an email to xxx, I thought, why not indulge this person and write something about the Pope. The thought crossed my mind again five minutes ago when I sat down to write this morning's post and realized I had nothing planned. So Pope blogging it is.
When I was in high school, I wrote a short story for my creative writing class called Ascension. In it, the Pope dies, giving way for the undercover anti-Christ to take over the reigns. Obviously, I was inspired by Nostradamus. In my story, good does not triumph over evil. In fact, the world ends with the anti-Christ in charge, which was a blow to the contingents of religious people who were trying desperately to right the wrong before the universe imploded, so we would at least all die without the taint of the devil on our souls. No such luck.
Suffice it to say that, this being a Catholic school, my work of fiction did not go over well. Although my creative writing teacher was a lay person, he still thought I should hand in something else to avoid conflict with the head of the department - a nun whose name I forget but whom I shall refer to fondly as Sister Mary Elephant. I demurred, giving an impassioned plea as to how he should judge my work on its merits and not on moral grounds and not in a way that made me think he was frightened of a nun who stood 4'8" to his 6'2". Honestly, I just had nothing else to turn in and my story was already a day late. And a good ending short, apparently.
So Mr. A. reluctantly accepted Ascension and lo and behold, Sister Mary Elephant did happen to gaze her eyes upon my work. I was called into her office, where she said that she concurred with Mr. A. that the story did deserve a good grade, based on the writing. Then she winked at me - a mocking, evil sort of wink, if you can imagine a nun with that sort of thing - and told me Ascension was comedy gold. It was a horror story. Touche, Sister Mary Elephant. I got my A, and Sister got her point across that I was a blasphemous heathen.
So what does this have to do with the Pope? Everything, obviously. In the Agora points out what all the tin foil Papal hat people are wildly gesticulating about: There will be a solar eclipse on the day of the Pope's burial! Whoa! Holy signs from above, Batman!
Well, it's a partial solar eclipse. And it won't be viewable in Italy. But don't let that stop you from quoting old Nostraman:
The greatest solar eclipse, the sign of calamities.
And then it goes on to say something about the Church's law and some say a comet will fall from the sky, followed by meteor showers and....wait, wrong soothsayer.
Anyhow, my fellow heathen Andy is all over this eclipse thing.
Let's move past the eclipse and onto birds, because Nostradamus mentions birds, too.
Unusual birds shall cry in the sky before the coming of the antichrist.
Now, we all know birds are evil, evil beings. As one person who knows about these things once said, They are evil creatures who carry the soul of the devil in their wings.
Coincidentally, before I read my email from xxx, I was going to write about birds and how much they annoy me and how evil, evil, evil they are, until I realized I have written that very thing before, many times (which is how I ended up with nothing else to write about and hence, writing about the Pope, in a roundabout way).
So you see, birds were reading my mind. And as I look out the window and see the strange birds and hear their strange noises, I can only conclude that the anti-Christ is nigh and we are all doomed.
Unless. There's always an unless.
See, when the Papal people go to their underground cabal and use the Ouija board to divine the prophecy that will declare the new Pope, they are falling into the trap the ant-Christ and his minions set up a long time ago. Inevitably, given all the portents going on (Hello? Federline/Spears reality program? Satan calling!) will ultimately lead to the new Pope being the bringer of death, evil and the end of mankind.
In order to avoid this catastrophe, the Papal committee must change horses midstream. They have to scrap whatever they were planning on doing in that dank cellar and come up with a new plan, to bring in a new Pope that doesn't have ties to the underworld. And that's where Dennis comes in.
Dennis is stumping for Pope. Pay no attention to the fact that Dennis is SINNED spelled backwards. Just an odd coincidence, much like the eclipse. Dennis seems heartfelt in his plea to be elected Pope. His platform is one of reaching out the people and affecting change in the church that will bring the kiddies back to Sunday mass. Less tithing, web based masses, women priests, acceptance of gays within the church, term limits - Dennis seems to have the good of the people in mind, instead of the good of the coffers. Dennis also has delusions of grandeur, but that's besides the point. Maybe he, like millions of us, just wants to wear a pointy hat all day.
If I wasn't so virulently anti-Catholic church, I would run for Pope myself. After all, a few years ago I came up with a list of things that would have churches all across the world packed to the rafters every Sunday, not just on Christmas and Easter. Yea, I know. People don't run for Pope. They're chosen. And something about having experience and a halo over your head and the secret code to get into the Vatican anteroom. None of which I have. But I do have ideas! And if they ever put the Pope vote to the people and if Dennis or any one of you should ever decide to run for the position, feel free to use my suggestions.
- Cushions for the pews
- Refreshments served intermittently in return for your gracious donation. Water and fruit will do. Nothing that crunches too loud.
- The priest should sporadically interrupt mass to announce the football scores
- Let the young kids come up to the altar to give "shouts out" to their homies
- Have an opening and closing theme song. Something catchy, maybe a little free style rapping.
- Mass should open with one of the altar boys shouting out "ARE YOU READY TO ROCK AND ROOOLLLLLL??"
- The priest should have a catch phrase that everyone can say along with him. Like, "Jesus Christ on a Pogo Stick!" and then he can hop around on a pogo stick when he says it. That should get people laughing and feeling good.
- Offer flavored communion wafers. Bubble gum, Strawberry, Pina Colada and Root Beer
- Right after the homily and before the breaking of the bread, have the altar boys come out and do a choreographed dance routine. For the girlies.
- Replace the gory crucifixes with Buddy Christ
- Put the day's readings in graphic novel form
- Give out tokens to each worshiper that shows up. When you get ten tokens, you get a Sunday off from church
- Two words: Chocolate Jesus
- Give out door prizes. First ten worshiper in the door get free jar of holy water
Yea, I know. The Catholic doctrine is pretty much etched in stone, carved in said stone by the albino clerks who live in the Vatican basement. How do I know that? I read it. In this story called Ascension.
Beware the 9th of April. Just saying.
And this has been my attempt at Pope blogging. Thank you, I'll be here all day. Leave your tips in the collection basket.
Contrary to popular belief, this man is NOT the antichrist. Please do not waste your time watching the tv and playing Where's Evil Waldo by looking for him in the crowd of mourners in Rome.
If he approaches you and claims to be the antichrist, just call him a fraud, remind him that he lost the plot after Mechanical Animals, and threaten to douse him in holy water.