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The Poetry Month/Twinkie Birthday Poetry Contest
Updated with Extra Prize Goodness!

[comments hae been closed on this post as judging commences]

Today marks the 75th birthday of the Twinkie.

I was once called un-American because I hate Twinkies. Not only is the filling much too sweet, it also has a granulated feel to it that makes me feel like I'm eating dirt. I don't like the sponge cake, either. Feels too much like real sponge.

But far be it from me to stand in the way of a birthday celebration for a beloved snack cake. I thought I'd combine National Poetry Month with the birthday of Twinkies in one delicious contest. That's right. Twinkie Poetry.

The rules are pretty open:

  • Almost any form is acceptable - limerick, haiku, free verse, couplets, anything but epic poetry. Please, no Odyssey as done by Twinkies and other Hostess products.
  • Enter in the comments. No email entries accepted.
  • The subject matter is wide open. As long as it has to do with Twinkies, I don't care if it's an ode, a love poem, a hate poem, a recipe in rhyme or a limerick about what you do with your frozen Twinkies when no one is looking. Parodies of well known poems/lyrics also acceptable.
  • You can enter as many times as you like, but each entry must go in a separate comment.
  • Contest remains open until some time this evening, subject to change without notice, depending on how many entries I get.
  • I will not judge. A judge's panel will be formed. If you don't want to enter the contest, but want to be a judge, email me. It helps if you have expertise in the Twinkie and/or poetry areas.

There is a prize this time. Winner will receive in the mail one box of Twinkies, of course.

UPDATE: Thanks to the generosity of McBoozo's Drunken Poetry Jam, the winner will also receive a Twinkie bumper sticker!

image002.jpg

Can't beat that!

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Updated with Extra Prize Goodness!
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Comments

Well, so much for my Milton ripoff, the one where the Twinkies throw the rebel Hostess Snoballs out of Heaven...

Twinkie
Rhymes with Kinky
Never mind the cream filling...

Shove thee more twinkies, in thy piehole,
Add to the fat roll!
Leave thy slender past!
Let each new pound, more ghastly than the last,
Lead thee toward "husky" jeans with a size more vast,
Till thou undergoes surgery for a fee,
Shedding thine outgrown gut through lipectomy!

Entry #1:

These are not a food product
We've been lied to for too long
Insiders know the truth
Nodules of fat and waste
Kicking holes in my stomach
Intestinal walls being corrupted
Every man is at risk
Stay away from the snack "cake"

There once was a girl named Pinky,
Whose wardrobe was very slinky,
When she sat down,
Up came her gown,
And everyone could see her Twinkie.

That's all I've got.

More preservatives than an Egyptian mummy
Sits like a rock once in your tummy
Seventy-five years, that's just incredible
The first one produced is still (in)edible.

Entry #2, with apologies to Dylan Thomas:

Do not eat gently that creamed snack cake,
Old stomachs shouldn't burn and rave all full of bile;
Gag, gag against the eating of the cake.

Though hungry men at their plates know how to wait a while,
Because their hands had forked no food they
Do not eat gently that creamed snack cake.

Skinny men, sponge-food in hand, crying can make
Their shoes come out of their mouths in a flash,
Rage, rage against the eating of the cake.

Hungry men who grabbed and swallowed all they could take,
And learned, too late, they puked on their way,
Do not eat gently that creamed snack cake.

Fat men, all farting, who moving create a land wake
Triple chins will jiggle like Jello all the day,
Rage, rage against the eating of the cake.

And you, my friend, there eating your grilled steak,
Chew, and give me your loud burps, this day.
Do not eat gently that creamed snack cake.
Rage, rage against the eating of the cake.

Oh, and if it isn't obvious, I loathe Twinkies. Cream-filled sponge cake, my ass. It isn't cream, and it's more spone than cake.

in australia
we have no twinkies
cream fillled cocks are all I have left

Looking for snack cakes
"Twinks" Google search surprises
Should have used SafeSearch

I call this one "Twinkie Defense"

Twinkies, Coca-Cola, Depression
A murderous combination
Killings, riots, mayhem
The effects upon a nation.

Courts, lawyers, trials
A defense most absurd
Shock, anguish, deceit
A jury perturbed

Creamy white filling
Surrounded by long, thick tube
Sexual? Never!

Twinkie is so-so,
But add yummy covering,
Voila, Chocodile!!!

Twinkie Twinkie a delicious snack
So tempting I could eat the whole pack
Watching TV and eating them all
Would really be my idea of a ball
You aren't healthy we all know
But still better than cookie dough
I've been eating then since I was a kid
Still my brother ate them more than I did
I had to keep my waist thin
To not end up like my kin

LOVE TWINKIES!!!

The Twinkie is a beloved snack treat,
Which fat people worldwide love to eat.
The make them more fatter,
They extract the cream matter,
And replace it with liquified meat.

SHIT!

The Twinkie is a beloved snack treat,
Which fat people worldwide love to eat.
TO make them more fatter,
They extract the cream matter,
And replace it with liquified meat.

The golden exterior, it calls out my name
No other snack cake tastes quite the same
The delightful crème filling, it takes me away
As I take my first bite I dance and I sway

My vision goes blurry, my tastebuds they melt
My blood sugar rises as I loosen my belt!
I shake and I tremble as I go back for more
These sweet little treats that I simply adore!

Originally named for the twinkle toe shoe
They switched to crème filling during World War II
You see they used filling that was made from bananas
Good ol’ Twinkie the kid even sports a bandana!

At only a hundred and fifty calories apiece
It would take quite a few to become rather obese
Five hundred million are baked every year
But my box is now empty it would seem to appear

A Twinkie sat upon my shelf,
Looking forlorn and all neglected.
I then looked upon my naked self,
And saw my penis was all erected.

With penis stiff, and Twinkie there,
Foul thoughts ran through my head.
I grabbed the Twinkie, said a prayer,
And raced quickly to my bed.

There we sat, Twinkie and I,
And between us no words were spoken.
In the briefest of blinks of eye,
Twinkie was on wang, and I was strokin'.

The sensation was one I can't explain,
As cream filling covered shaft.
But I can tell you that there was no pain,
In fact, I kind of laughed.

The end result, you've no doubt guessed,
I came hard, in rapturous glee,
What remained was a Twinkie mess,
Which the dog then licked off me.

it also has a granulated feel to it that makes me feel like I'm eating dirt. I don't like the sponge cake, either. Feels too much like real sponge.

I am far too untalented to offer any verse or prose, but I do have a question. In your above description, you twice compared Twinkies to eating other substances, much like mom used to say "Kissing a girl who smokes is like kissing an ash tray" I had a standard retort for that saying and I adopt it for you:

So tell me: when have you eaten either dirt or a sponge?

Just asking...

Dedicated to Tyrone Green and Norman Mailer:

Sad and lonely on a summer’s night.
Eat my Twinkie. Eat my Twinkie.
Refrigerator open. Why no light?
Eat my Twinkie. Eat my Twinkie.
Open package. Sweet sugar smell.
Another box to eat. I know so well.
Got no reason. What the hell?
Eat my Twinkie. Eat my Twinkie.
E-E-T my Twinkie!

If I eat one more
Will I go insane and kill
Better ask O.J.

Sticky cream and cake
And sixy-eight percent air
Why would you eat one?

tube filled with white cream
a euphemism for what
no i think ill pass

(apologies to e.e. cummings)

Ate box of Twinkies
Developed bad stomach pain
Threw up yellow barf.

Oh golden sponge cake
Your creamy filling soothes me
I am very fat

I sit on the couch
Eating several Twinkies
I don't get laid much.

The scene was thick with newsmen
And ringed in yellow tape
While local networks' field vans
Blocked out the cityscape.

Despite the teeming masses
No one could get inside;
The reporters' outthrust passes
Were all stolidly denied.

Between the throngs of gawkers
A squat detective pushed;
And, glaring at the talkers,
Their anxious questions shushed.

Off came his old fedora,
His throat he loudly cleared,
And with officious aura
Asked "Now, what happened here?"

"Well, sir..." the rookie stammered,
"We don't yet really know.
The eyewitness was hammered -
On highballs, meth, and blow.

But he swears a computer system
Came crashing from the sky -
He says it barely missed him
And landed on this guy."

He pointed to the grisly sight
Made black by swarming ants
And said, "He had a good fight,
But he never stood a chance."

The pavement there sported a stain
Where something sticky oozed.
The detective said, "It's gonna rain -
I'm off to go get boozed.

He's dead and getting stinky -
I really couldn't care less.
I don't care who killed the Twinkie,
But he sure did make a mess."

(apologies to anyone who takes the time to read the whole thing)

If Van Wilder put
Doggie spunk in a twinkie
Would a DIK eat it

I agree that there is something screwy with the "spongy" cake part of the Twinkie. I've always thought this but always feared that I was alone on this one.

A dusty figure
Ropes himself some tasty treats.
It's Twinkie The Kid.

If Paris Hilton
Put a twinkie in her hole
Would the slut film it

The papers quote a legal authority
Saying Jacko submitted Twinkie poetry,
Seems he misread the links
Exclaiming “I (heart) Twinks,”
Michael realized he was in the minority.

a haiku.

does the quiet cake
the unassuming twinkie
fit well in an ass?

O Twinkie! my Twinkie! Your tasty cream does run!
The box is empty, I ate every cake, because I can never eat just one;
A puke is near, I very fear, my stomach makes scary sounds,
To the toilet I run with haste, and release the gastronomic hounds:
And O blarf! Blarf! Blarf!
O the hurling sprays of yellow,
Now in the bowl the Twinkies lie,
In a stinking Twinkie jello.

"You cannot hurt a Twinkie" Apu once fiercely proclaimed,
And a truer statement has yet to be framed.
Born in the year 1930,
The cake has proven quite sturdy,
And for mocking it we should all be ashamed.

Spongy, soft, and sweet
A fatty sticky treat
Eat it whole
Perhaps you'll get a role
Deep-throating a man name Pete

(the best I could do on such short notice.)

Though 75 years are past
I still remember youre twin golden mounds
the smell of you, and the softness
I'll never forget the first time
I took you in my mouth and you filled me
with cream.
We did it so often
I still look pregnant.

Ah the twinkie so soft and sweet,
like a woman's pussy;
so good to eat.

Alas, I won't be able to get to my just-short-of-epic Dr. Seuss ripoff. Which after this one, you'll breathe a sigh of relief:

Jack and his whore went to the store
To fetch a case of Twinkies,
With some in her coot, and more up her chute,
Jack said “Goddamn bitch, that’s kinky!”

It started out as a Frost parody and then sort of crashed and burned on me:

Some say a twinkie's best when fresh,
Some say deep-fried,
From what I've tasted of that mess
I hold with those who just don't eat the damned things.
And comparing it to a woman's vulva--
Now that was low.
What is wrong with people?

(No offense, Nick.)

If you're in Deadwood
Go to the Gem and tell Al
TWINKIES COCKSUCKER

If a twinkie falls
From the market shelf at night
Does it make a sound

Help me

There was a young mother named "Pinky"
Who gave her sweet baby a Twinkie
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin
It sure beats the hell out of "binky"

Whoops. That was supposed to have an exclamation point at the end.

A pastry in the morning mist

Twinkies, white filling,
good living through chemistry,
half life fifty years

Twinkies, cream-filled joy
Jam-packed with preservatives
The Forever Cake

If you're in Deadwood
Go to the Gem and tell Al
TWINKIES COCKSUCKER

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

A Haiku: "Like Kryptonite to Hope:The Twinkie Laments"

And this is my fate:
To be shat by a blogger
With my nine brothers.

I am closing the comments on this post as judging commences. Thanks to everyone who entered.