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song of the night : making love like the restaurant was closed

Maybe you've heard this one before. I heard it for the first time today and no matter what I do, I can't unhear it. So I'll make you suffer along with me. This really has to be the worst sex song every made in the history of the entire existence of the world. No wonder R. Kelly is chasing the teens....I don't think he's going to get any from grown women with lyrics like this.

R. Kelly - Sex in the Kitchen. (download)

Sex in the kitchen over by the stove,put you on the counter by the buttered rolls

You have to read the words, below. Really. I thought this was a parody when I first heard it. It's like the bastard child of Veggie Tales and Prince.

I defy you to come up with something worse. There's just no way anything out there rivals this. I really want to know what you thought of this song. Sexy or ridiculous?

Girl you're in the kitchen
Cooking me a meal
Something makes me wanna come in there and get a feel
Walk around in your t-shirt
Nothing else on
Strutting pass, switching that ass while I'm on the phone
Cutting up tomatoes, fruits and vegetables and potatoes
Girl, you look so sexy while you're doing the damn thang
I want

Sex in the kitchen over by the stove
Put you on the counter by the buttered rolls
Hands on the table, on your tippy toes
We'll be making love like the restaurant was closed

How would you like it, baby
(How would you like that?)
Tell me right now pretty baby
Hey man, I'm gon call you back

Girl you're in the kitchen, chillin in your robe
I'm thinking to myself she better go put on some clothes
Tickling and teasing
Doing that little dance
Girl, you gon make me lay you down and give it to you one mo 'gain

Girl I'm ready to toss your salad
While I'm making love,I'll be feasting
Girl you're in the kitchen
Sweating up a storm
The oven's on 500
So you know the kitchen's warm
Girl you know just how to get into a brother's mind
Cause here we are still in this kitchen
Doing it for the third time


And we've been banned from McDonald's ever since.....

That's almost as dumb as that stupid Kelis "Milkshake" song.

I vote ridiculous. There's no way anybody can pitch woo and mention "tossing salad" in the same breath.

Make sure you actually listen to it. It makes all the difference in the world, laugh wise.

I think I just threw up in my mouth.

I can only assume "Sexy or ridiculous?" was a rhetorical question.

I think I just threw up in Tom's mouth.

My god it sounds like he made a song out of a Chapelle show skit!

Motherfucker. I've been working on my new song "Brown n' Serve" for two weeks, and R-fucking-Kelly steals my thunder.

Besides, Kelly has always been derivative of the short-lived Bob Odenkirk-David Cross group, Three Times One Minus One.

I am VERY glad I listened to this shit before I just threw it on an ASV mix disc... I never, ever, ever want to hear it again. I think my ears are bleeding.

This is why we all claim that the state of the music industry is pitiful. Abysmal would be too good of a label.

You owe me for listening to that one. Oh, I get it... it was a preemptive strike for the spankin the Sox are puttin' on your team on Sunday!

This makes Federov sound good.

So if I understand you correctly, this bit of "music" is NOT in the running as the favorite at this years Cole Porter aspiring song writers festival? [snicker]

Hah, that song is now in heavy rotation at my house. When he sings "by the buttered rolls baby!" I laugh every time. Hahaha.

Came upon your website in error (you might laugh if you knew why). I have to say that you have covered your bases - why would the average joe waste his time etc without gazing perhaps at his own navel etc...
That said, ASV is truly a gargantuan pile of drivel, perhaps enorme, depending on your first tongue. Yours, I regret to say, is one of the saddest commentaries on our time. Even sadder is that I have wasted 56 seconds bothering..

According to my records, Gordon, you came here through Google looking for "Ralph Lauren porn."

Need I tell you that your opinion of me means oh, so very little?

Thought not.

you had ralph lauren porn and never told me? and here I was gonna quote me so horney and we want some pussy at ya! Those were the glory days of the Gore family.

Come on, Gordo, you know it took you longer than 56 seconds to look up "enorme". Based on how you got here and your obsession with size, I'd say your first tongue is "effete, sexually confused snob".

effete? enorme? Damn, those Red Sox fans sure are educated (I haven't a clue what those terms mean.)

I'd harp on Gordo too, but he did post on April 1...

Ohmigawd...those lyrics make me want to scratch my eyes out....

Preheatin' the oven
I grease up the pan
We don't want nothing to stick girl

Brown 'n serve
Brown 'n serve

It'll just take a minute
'Cause they're pre-cooked
Can you smell my butter baby?

Brown 'n serve
Brown 'n serve

MMMM...that's so right
I could eat these all night
Pass the jelly let's get freaky

Brown 'n serve

Holy shit, this is hilarious!!

"We don't want nothing to stick, girl"


Hubris... you need a nice, mind-numbing beat to go with it... just a simple, looped drum beat that says "we now have control of your mind... listen and buy!"

I prefer Kinky Friedman and the Texas Jewboys' similar song.