song of the night : making love like the restaurant was closed
Maybe you've heard this one before. I heard it for the first time today and no matter what I do, I can't unhear it. So I'll make you suffer along with me. This really has to be the worst sex song every made in the history of the entire existence of the world. No wonder R. Kelly is chasing the teens....I don't think he's going to get any from grown women with lyrics like this.
R. Kelly - Sex in the Kitchen. (download)
Sex in the kitchen over by the stove,put you on the counter by the buttered rolls
You have to read the words, below. Really. I thought this was a parody when I first heard it. It's like the bastard child of Veggie Tales and Prince.
I defy you to come up with something worse. There's just no way anything out there rivals this. I really want to know what you thought of this song. Sexy or ridiculous?
Girl you're in the kitchen
Cooking me a meal
Something makes me wanna come in there and get a feel
Walk around in your t-shirt
Nothing else on
Strutting pass, switching that ass while I'm on the phone
Cutting up tomatoes, fruits and vegetables and potatoes
Girl, you look so sexy while you're doing the damn thang
I want
Sex in the kitchen over by the stove
Put you on the counter by the buttered rolls
Hands on the table, on your tippy toes
We'll be making love like the restaurant was closed
How would you like it, baby
(How would you like that?)
Tell me right now pretty baby
Hey man, I'm gon call you back
Girl you're in the kitchen, chillin in your robe
I'm thinking to myself she better go put on some clothes
Tickling and teasing
Doing that little dance
Girl, you gon make me lay you down and give it to you one mo 'gain
Girl I'm ready to toss your salad
While I'm making love,I'll be feasting
Girl you're in the kitchen
Sweating up a storm
The oven's on 500
So you know the kitchen's warm
Girl you know just how to get into a brother's mind
Cause here we are still in this kitchen
Doing it for the third time
Comments
And we've been banned from McDonald's ever since.....
Posted by: prairie biker | March 31, 2005 09:49 PM
That's almost as dumb as that stupid Kelis "Milkshake" song.
Posted by: Keith | March 31, 2005 09:49 PM
I vote ridiculous. There's no way anybody can pitch woo and mention "tossing salad" in the same breath.
Posted by: Johnny Bacardi | March 31, 2005 09:50 PM
Make sure you actually listen to it. It makes all the difference in the world, laugh wise.
Posted by: michele | March 31, 2005 09:54 PM
I think I just threw up in my mouth.
Posted by: Tom Bridge | March 31, 2005 10:09 PM
I can only assume "Sexy or ridiculous?" was a rhetorical question.
Posted by: dorkafork | March 31, 2005 10:20 PM
I think I just threw up in Tom's mouth.
Posted by: Eric | March 31, 2005 10:20 PM
My god it sounds like he made a song out of a Chapelle show skit!
Posted by: Mel | March 31, 2005 10:53 PM
Motherfucker. I've been working on my new song "Brown n' Serve" for two weeks, and R-fucking-Kelly steals my thunder.
Besides, Kelly has always been derivative of the short-lived Bob Odenkirk-David Cross group, Three Times One Minus One.
Posted by: Hubris | March 31, 2005 11:32 PM
I am VERY glad I listened to this shit before I just threw it on an ASV mix disc... I never, ever, ever want to hear it again. I think my ears are bleeding.
This is why we all claim that the state of the music industry is pitiful. Abysmal would be too good of a label.
You owe me for listening to that one. Oh, I get it... it was a preemptive strike for the spankin the Sox are puttin' on your team on Sunday!
Posted by: Jim S | April 1, 2005 12:01 AM
This makes Federov sound good.
Posted by: Ian S. | April 1, 2005 12:03 AM
So if I understand you correctly, this bit of "music" is NOT in the running as the favorite at this years Cole Porter aspiring song writers festival? [snicker]
Posted by: Guy S. | April 1, 2005 12:06 AM
Hah, that song is now in heavy rotation at my house. When he sings "by the buttered rolls baby!" I laugh every time. Hahaha.
Posted by: Scott | April 1, 2005 01:31 AM
Came upon your website in error (you might laugh if you knew why). I have to say that you have covered your bases - why would the average joe waste his time etc without gazing perhaps at his own navel etc...
That said, ASV is truly a gargantuan pile of drivel, perhaps enorme, depending on your first tongue. Yours, I regret to say, is one of the saddest commentaries on our time. Even sadder is that I have wasted 56 seconds bothering..
Posted by: Gordon | April 1, 2005 05:17 AM
According to my records, Gordon, you came here through Google looking for "Ralph Lauren porn."
Need I tell you that your opinion of me means oh, so very little?
Thought not.
Posted by: michele | April 1, 2005 05:35 AM
you had ralph lauren porn and never told me? and here I was gonna quote me so horney and we want some pussy at ya! Those were the glory days of the Gore family.
Posted by: g | April 1, 2005 07:11 AM
Come on, Gordo, you know it took you longer than 56 seconds to look up "enorme". Based on how you got here and your obsession with size, I'd say your first tongue is "effete, sexually confused snob".
Posted by: skillzy | April 1, 2005 08:19 AM
effete? enorme? Damn, those Red Sox fans sure are educated (I haven't a clue what those terms mean.)
Posted by: JFH | April 1, 2005 10:30 AM
I'd harp on Gordo too, but he did post on April 1...
Posted by: Shawn | April 1, 2005 10:30 AM
Ohmigawd...those lyrics make me want to scratch my eyes out....
Posted by: Jack Cluth | April 1, 2005 10:34 AM
Preheatin' the oven
I grease up the pan
We don't want nothing to stick girl
Brown 'n serve
Brown 'n serve
It'll just take a minute
'Cause they're pre-cooked
Can you smell my butter baby?
Brown 'n serve
Brown 'n serve
MMMM...that's so right
I could eat these all night
Pass the jelly let's get freaky
Brown 'n serve
Posted by: Hubris | April 1, 2005 11:10 AM
Holy shit, this is hilarious!!
"We don't want nothing to stick, girl"
haaaaaa!
Posted by: Y | April 1, 2005 11:30 AM
Hubris... you need a nice, mind-numbing beat to go with it... just a simple, looped drum beat that says "we now have control of your mind... listen and buy!"
Posted by: Jim S | April 1, 2005 12:01 PM
I prefer Kinky Friedman and the Texas Jewboys' similar song.
Posted by: Eric Jablow | April 3, 2005 05:02 PM