A Small Victory

Part 2 in the St. Pat's Day blogging festival.

Ok, let's move this sucker forward and get to the real gist of St. Patrick's Day, which has nothing to do with saints and snakes, but Leprechauns. Not sure when it happened, but the little people co-opted poor Pat's day at some point.

Everything I know about leprechauns, I learned from three sources: Lucky Charms, the Leprechaun movies, and Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

That's from the ATHF episode Escape From Leprauchpolis in which Leprauchauns use Dr. Weird's Rainbow Machine to mug people from afar, apparently for shoes. Altough they don't end up with anything more than a gold chain, a Banarama tape with no case, and rollerskates.

Carl: Yeah, here come the gold! Aw, look at this now, I don't see crap in there. I know this game. This is how they get you. (gets sucked up in the rainbow)
Leprechaun 1: Yes, fat man, this IS how we get you!
Carl: Hey there, where's the gold there?
Leprechaun 1: Flip-flops? What is this!?
Leprechaun 2: What did I say? No money, no job, no taste.
Carl: How ya doin there, bozo. Give me the gold. (Leprechauns start beating Carl)
Leprechaun 1 : Next time you come to the park, fat man, you wear your good shoes!

See why I love that show? Not only is it disturbingly funny, but it reinforces my idea that Leprechauns are evil.

In honor of St. Pat's day, you should make your children watch all six Leprechaun movies, so they don't live with the mistaken impression that the little green guys are nice. A healthy dose of reality is good for kids. So, they'll be afraid to go to bed tonight. Big deal. That's when you go to their window and make some Leprachaun noises. Fear, much like disappointment, builds character.

You know who that is underneath that evil Leprechaun make up? That's Warwick Davis. Warwick Davis is a freaking Ewok. Which just proves my theory that Ewoks are nothing more than leprechauns that are using their cuddly fuzziness to make you think they are cute and harmless, but they are really the spawn of Satan and one day, mark my words, Leprechauns and Ewoks will take over the earth so they can eat your children. That Warwick Davis is one sinister dude.

The Leprechaun movie spawned a whole bunch of sequels, giving Warwick Davis something during standstills in his regular job as George Lucas's minion. By the way, I've sat through the entire Leprechaun series and Leprechaun in the Hood was by far the superior of the bunch, as it had Ice T and Coolio, a pair which beats Jennifer Aniston any day of the week.

Which leads us to the final Leprechaun, the one who is magically delicious.

Mothers, a word of warning about this guy.

See, when my sister was about seven years old, she had a thing for Lucky Charms. She ate them every day for breakfast, lunch and dinner (my mother was too busy playing Yahtzee with the neighbors to notice). At some point, I noticed that her skin was turning a greenish hue. I monitored the situation closely for a few days, until it became apparent that we had a major crisis on our hands. Not only was her skin tone becoming emerald, but her feet started to curl up and she shrunk about five inches.

She was possessed by Lucky the Leprechaun. For five crazy days, she held us hostage in our own home. It wasn't until our neighbor heard our cries for help and went to the local pub to find an Irish priest who would perform an exorcism. It was ugly. For three hours, my sister/Leprechaun vomited a steady stream of pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, and green clovers. When it was all over, our dog was shitting gold pieces and my mother had turned into a sack of potatoes, but at least I had my sister back. Later, we left the gold pieces under a marked rock in the forest and my mother reverted back to her normal self. She never played Yahtzee again.

Today's movie recommendation: Finian's Rainbow.

A 1968 Francis Ford Coppola directed musical with tobacco growers as the heroes, a leprechaun, Fred Astaire and Petula Clark using magical rainbow powers to turn a bigot black to teach him a lesson.