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Jesus Christ, SuperBar!

I've already been told I'm a hell bound heathen, so I might as well jus go with it. Hence, a repeat this morning (from three years ago) because we (the husband and I) were talking about this last night.


It was Easter time 2001 when the idea hit. I had been listening to Bill Hicks and he was ranting about Easter and how the modern symbols of this religious holiday (bunnies, chocolate) don't really speak the meaning of the holiday.

So, being the sacrilgeous atheist that I am, I began devising a plan to bring Easter and chocolaty goodness together in a way that made more sense.

Of course. A Chocolate Jesus.

I started melting chocolate and figuring out a way to mold it into shape. I stuck a blob of melted chocolate in the freezer and waited until it was not quite frozen and a bit pliable. Then I began working on my masterpiece.

I'm not a very good artist, and I'm sure he looked more like Charles Manson than Jesus Christ when I was done, but lo and behold, two hours later I had myself a Chocolate Jesus.

I had toyed with the idea of making a crown of thorns out of spun sugar, but decided against it. Not because it was improper, but because I haven't the slighest clue how to make spun sugar.

Now, how does one go about eating a chocolate Jesus? With the chocolate bunnies, you generally eat the ears first. So that's what I did. I ate Jesus's ears. The next logical step would be the tail. But of course, Jesus doesn't have a tail. So I started chomping on his lower half. And the lapsed Catholic in me heard the words in my head:

"Body of Christ, Amen."

It was good chocolate. I kept eating.

I ate his head and his arms and the the remnants of his robe.

And then I made another. I decided I would give them out for the holidays. No, no. I would sell them for the holidays. What a grand idea.

But somehow it never happened. I think I ate every chocolate Jesus I made. 20 pounds and one handbasket to hell later, I gave up on the idea.

So now Easter is approaching again. I'm thinking the time is right for a Chocolate Jesus. I just need the right marketing tools. I need a slogan.

Melts in Your Mouth, Not in Your Hymn Book!
Body of Christ: Now available in Krispy!

If it turns out there is a hell, I am sure I will be there. But I'll be in good company at least.

And hey, this really works out for Catholics - what better way to entice people to join your church than with chocolate?


The bunny, the eggs, all were stolen by the Christians. They were originally pagan symbols of fertility. Hehehe. Silly Catholics....

Body of Christ: Now available in Krispy!

Ok, that's funny ... I'd buy that just for the sacrilege factor.

Heh, Silly Catholics, bunnies are for pagans!

(sorry, Anne, you put it in my head, I had to let it out!)

Not to sound too Monty Python-ish, but thank God I'm a protestant. Symbols mean very little to me, so I'm afraid I won't take the bait and rave about you going to hell. In fact, I LIKE the idea of a chocolate Jesus - after all, didn't many Catholics give up chocolate for Lent? What a better idea than to break the fast with a symbol of the reason for that fast???

Your sign reminds me of the current craze in Protestantism. We're all adding a "coffee house" service. Christ and Cappuccino! It's hard to get up on a Sunday morning, a little caffeine and Christian Rock music couldn't hurt.

I think if my church added a breakfast bar, we'd become a Mega-Church!

I cannot believe nobody has done this.

"I don't care if it rains or freezes
Long as I got a Chocolate Jesus
Melting on the dashboard of my car"

Sorry. Yes, I'm going to hell too. Save me a seat close to the kitchen, willya?

Hah! I think I'll rewrite that whole song.

Unless someone else wants to...

How about watching the great movie, Chocolat, in order to get in the right mood? I am preparing for Lent and T.G.I.F...

but did his cock taste like cheese danish? I mean, the messiah's dick had wanta taste messianic.

Mmmmmm.... Sacrelicious!

"Sweet Lord, this is good chocolate!"

I always find it intriguing how many people are comfortably convinced that they're going to hell. I suppose that's the church's fault making it seem like an obstacle course to get into heaven. Or, for that matter, making people feel like 'heaven' is the end of the journey.

/hates lots of misinterpretation of the bible
//further despises people who get their facts backward based on corrupt history
///see passion.scrawlville.com for further reading (last four posts in particular)

It's transubstantilicious!

(Just got another 500 years in Purgatory for that one. Damn, where are those plenary indulgences when you need them... crap, better make it 1,000...)

Is it safe to assume you paid close attention to detail by poking holes in the hands of our Lord you savored?

Rick Reynolds had a hilarious bit where he talked about how even though he was an atheist, he'd convert to Catholicism if they used fudge instead of a communion wafer. This led, of course, to a hilarious punchline:

"Body of Christ. With or without nuts?"

On a not dissimilar note: Chocolate Deities...

You're not the only one. As far as I can tell, she doesn't do Jesus, but she does do Buddha and the Virgin Mary.

It's an immaculate confection!

there's a company on Staten Island, Superior Confections, that makes a solid milk chocolate cross. Get a few of those and make a Chocolate Golgotha, complete with Easter grass hills

Being Lutheran, I'm afraid I'll have to go with cosubstantialicious.

Choco-Jesus Molds -


As an ordained Christian minister, I found this the funniest thing I've read in a while.

We are proof that God has a sense of humor!