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They're Coming to Get You, Roger

LDH took a zombie test last night and barely survived. I, on the other hand, came out very much alive.

[I changed the code from the test results because it was too damn big]

Official Survivor

Congratulations! You scored 69!

Whether through ferocity or quickness, you made it out. You made the right choice most of the time, but you probably screwed up somewhere. Nobody's perfect, at least you're alive.
My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 74% on survivalpoints
Link: The Zombie Scenario Survivor Test written by ci8db4uok on Ok Cupid

Coincidentally, I was going to write about zombies today, anyhow.

You know how some families make emergency plans for, say, a fire in the house? Well, we made an Emergency Zombie Plan yesterday. At least we tried to (see Obsessive Compulsive Zombie Disorder for background on our history with the living dead).

Me: We should all agree to meet in one place, then.
Justin: Yea, some island that we can surround with barbed wire.
Me: This is an island.
Justin: Well, let's just find some open land and surround it with barbed wire.
DJ: Uh..guys? You're on your own. I'm going hunting when the zombies come.
Me: WHAT? You're going to leave your mother at the height of armageddon?
DJ: I've got things to do, mom. First I'm going to kill a whole bunch of people from my class.

See, DJ figures if the zombies are taking over, then law and order goes right out the window. He can finally seek revenge upon the kids from school who have slighted him in any way. Then, when his enemies lay bleeding and dying slow, painful deaths, he can get to the business of zombie hunting.

I convinced my son that it would be best to come back to the house after he takes care of his business. Justin and I will stock up on the basic supplies and gather some makeshift weapons.

That's when I commit the apparent sin of all things zombie.

Me: I'm going to give up.

Horrified glances from my husband and son. I try to explain. Why fight off the zombies? Why spend days running from them, trying to fend them off, beating them, shooting them, cowering in fear in the basement (shit, we don't even have a basement)when eventually, they are going to win? Once the zombie infestation starts, that's it. It's assimilate or die. You can shoot as many brains as you want, but in the end, the undead will outnumber the living and you may as well just let them bite you early on rather than attempting to put up some brave and noble fight for survival.

I start singing the doom song, then.

Justin and DJ are mortified. They can't believe I would just give up so easily. What can I say? I'm a joiner. I follow trends, I don't set them. And it's not like I don't have experience when it comes to hooking up with a mindless army of droning, single-minded people who want to swallow you whole. It's just so much easier to hold out your arms and accept what fate hands you than to fight it. It's easier to convince yourself that being a zombie wouldn't be so bad after all - no work, no taxes to pay, abundant food supply and, best of all, I could go on the hunt for people I hate and zombiefy them. How cool would it be to sink my undead teeth into Roger Clemens's fleshy neck?

Well Justin and DJ are having none of that.

DJ: You can't just let them take you. You have to fight!
Justin: You don't even want to try to save the world? Or yourself?
DJ: It's just wrong, mom. If I stay, will you fight?
Me: Maybe...I'm just lazy, I guess. I can't see expending all that effort if we're just going to lose eventually.
DJ: But we won't lose.
Justin: What if they are super zombies, though? Like the remade Dawn of the Dead zombies?
Me: That's what I'm saying..
DJ: Oh. My. God. Hello? Let's talk a little reality here? You know, REAL LIFE?
Me: Yea, we were getting a little carried away there....
DJ: I mean, everyone knows that zombies can't run.

At this point we decided that, should zombies attack, Justin would start building a fortress around the house, including a moat (because everyone knows that zombies can't swim), DJ would take advantage of the lawlessness and go kill some 12 year old bullies, Natalie would remain, as always, oblivious to the situation and continue to post quizzes in her LiveJournal, and I would hunker down in the living room with the Zombie Survival Kit, which consists of nothing more than a bottle of Jack Daniel's and a shot glass.

And then we started thinking like the capitalist pigs we are. We would take advantage of the situation. We'd learn how to tame the hordes of zombies roaming the countryside. Then we'd use them to remake classic movies. We cracked ourselves up imagining an undead Tom Hanks, all bloodied face and flesh wounds.... Ruuuuuuuuuuuun....Fooorrrr....essssst.....Ruuuuuunnnnnn.


Listed below are links to weblogs that reference They're Coming to Get You, Roger:

» I made it out alive! from Snooze Button Dreams
Yet another reason why I do so seriously kick ass. When the zombie invasion comes I'll be a survivor. Flock to me children, I will lead you to salvation. Or at least a relatively brain-free diet. Official Survivor! You scored 65%! Whether through feroc... [Read More]

» Are you coming with, or do I have to shoot you in the thigh? from The Ministry of Minor Perfidy

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I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it, I'm a survivor... Heh but seriously, here are some important plans in case of zombie attack. [Read More]


What can I say? I'm a joiner. I follow trends, I don't set them. And it's not like I don't have experience when it comes to hooking up with a mindless army of droning, single-minded people who want to swallow you whole.

Priceless. Great way to start a Sunday where I have to work.

Nope. DJ goes out to kill bullies, ten minutes later you get a frantic phone call, cutting off with DJ's terrified screaming. Everyone collapses to the ground in tears, but Justin clenches his fists and says 'No. DJ's alive, Goddamnit.'

Then you lock and load, run out onto the street and the whole thing gets out of control.

But don't listen to me. I only scored 61.

You have to come pick me up. I could save you all....lol
"You scored higher than 99% on survivalpoints"

I watch far too many movies about zombies...lol

I scored 61. Damn those pussies on the rooftops!

If I went by what I knew about zombies from movies, I would have a great score. But I went with how I would react - and will react - when the inevitable happens.

Because they are coming to get you, Kat.

hahaha! I would still react the same way. I'm all about blowing some zombie brains out baby. Gotta get this aggression out of me somehow and zombie thumping would so rock...lol
Oh and the people on the roofs, screw 'em. They weren't first to the gunshop!

I'm with Kat -- and Homer: "You killed Zombie Ned Flanders!" "He was a zombie?"

Fine, you guys go on your zombie killing spree. Me? I'm all about the chance to finally dine on human flesh and brains.

We need to sing a song!

I walked with a zombie,
I walked with a zombie,
I walked with a zombie,
Last night.

I walked with a zombie,
I walked with a zombie,
I walked with a zombie,
Last night.

I walked with a zombie,
I walked with a zombie,
I walked with a zombie,
Last night.

(Continue singing until your housemates kill you or the zombies come to your house, whichever comes first.)

It's posts like this one that remind me why I come back here every day or so.

Freakin' hilarious.

You may have the funniest family of all time. I love it.

Keep you undead, moldy hands off my pitcher!

71. Ah well. I'm guessing an urban environment, even in a spread-out city like Houston, isn't an optimal location.

Michele, have you thought of submitting a family planning guide (fiction or non) to Dead Letters? The reading period for the next issue's submissions just ended, but as one of the co-editors, I can promise we'll take a look at anything you might like to share. :)

I think it's a mistake to assume that once the Zombpocalypse hits, humanity is doomed. After all, the undead (don't use the zed word!) have two major weaknesses:

1. They are slow.
2. They are stupid.

Get together a good crew, arm yourselves with weapons that don't need reloading (baseball bats, golf clubs, croquet mallets, machetes--hell, dumbbells, anything hard and heavy will work), and divide into teams of two--one to distract the differently living and the other to sneak around and club them on the back of the head--and you're set. The only time zombies are dangerous is when you get a critical mass and they swarm you. That's why the whole "let's hole up somewhere until it all blows over" is such a loser strategy. You have to go on the offensive. Don't get scared, get pissed! DJ has absolutely the right idea.

By the way, I scored 77. But I'm a ruthless bastard.

61...but I've got a soft spot for saving the arses of the clueless and the helpless.

However, if it SHOOTS, BASHES, CUTS, or EXPLODES and I can get my hands on it we're talking massive numbers of dead zombies ---> 19 years of Marine Corps marksmanship training here, so I got yer back Michele. DON'T GIVE IN.

"Fine, you guys go on your zombie killing spree. Me? I'm all about the chance to finally dine on human flesh and brains."

Rob Zombie - Living Dead Girl comes to mind for some reason. ;)

Tip 'O the day: Stopping power over rate of fire. Trust me. One shot, one kill is the way to go.

USMC Sniper: Don't run, you'll only die tired.


OH!! Almost forgot...

Michele, I was reading about your Dawn of the Dead DVD family moment. Very touching I must day. Not sure if you've ever read Maddox, but thought you'd like to check this out.


After looking at and thinking about what I posted here, I want to assure everyone that I'm NOT some kind of psycho...just attempting to be humorous.

I'm a well-educated career Marine Officer of 19 yrs, happily married for 18 of those years to a wonderful wife who has worried endlessly as I've deployed to the far-flung $&*#holes of the world (Somalia, Iraq, Korea, Philippines, etc.), and have a 5 yr old son whom I love dearly.

However, I would gladly visit EXTREME violence on those who would harm either my country or my family. For that, I make no apologies.

Semper Fidelis.

~ Harry

You go Harry, hoo rah.
I scored 53, but 99% higher than my age group. I guess it was leaving the guys on the roof instead of taking them with me. I was just thinking that's too many people to feed. I had my reasons dammit.
I think I picked up points for booby trapping the guy and using him for bait though.
Maybe I shoulda used the bus instead of the pick up.

Armed and Dangerous
Congratulations! You scored 82%!
You made it out, alive and well supplied. You probably even kept most of your party alive too. You know what to look for, what to take, and when to just run. You even feel a strange inkling to go back. If you did, you'd probably do just fine.

91% ! I knew all those horror movies I watched weren't wasted hours. Plus in tense situations like that it pays to be paranoid. I always wonder why the characters in the movies never put on bite resistent clothes, like multiple jackets,football pads, etc..

I'm with DJ, what a great way to take out agression, killing zombies and saving the world.

See, I watch almost no horror movies, though I have seen the original Night of the Living Dead (scared the shit out of me and I was in COLLEGE when I saw it). But I liked the idea of most of the "all of the above" questions. Yeah, grab all the stuff you can, it might come in useful when they're banging down the door and trying to eat you.

I cannot believe I scored a 99.

...waitaminute, michele has sung the Doom Song, and there's no soundfile available? :)