A Very Special Holiday:
a fellatio haiku contest
I would like to remind everyone that a big holiday is coming up.
Steak and BJ day is less than a month away.
Last year, I tried to turn S&BJD into a business by recruiting women (or men, as the case may be) to, well..here:
1-800-SEND-BJS!What a great present that would be. Birthday? Promotion? Your team won the World Series? Imagine how much better those already joyous occassions would be if a busty young blonde knocked on your door and dropped to her knees right there. The girls (or guys, whichever your case may be) could also sing you a little song.
Congratulations on your special day
Your brother sent you this BJ!And now, with Steak&Blowjob Day on its way to becoming a national phenomenon, 1-800-SEND-BJS could come to the rescue of significant others who are just too busy or have weak gag reflexes.
You cook the steak, the BJ staff will do the rest. I’m a business genius.
I didn't have many takers. Oh, I had plenty of eager receivers. But not too many people wanted to be hired to do the job. Shame, too, because we could have made a lot of money and instead of bitching and moaning about not being able to pay the rent this month, you could have been sitting around watching your giant plasma HDTV and doing mouth exercises in preparation for the holiday rush and another bundle of cash.
So this year I'm going to try again to cash in on the holiday. This time, I'm coming up with a line of greeting cards:
See that blank space on the card? That's where you come in.
I need to fill that space with sentimental greetings appropriate for one celebrating Steak and BJ Day. I thought that because this is sort of a crude holiday, we could soften it up a bit for the guys who might want to send this card as a reminder to their loved ones/booty calls/hos. Haiku about meat and, well, meat would make the sentiment seem much more appealing than it actually is to some people.
Remember, a haiku is 5-7-5 syllables. All other forms of poetry will be disqualified. There's no prize, but if you print out one of the restulting cards, maybe you'll get lucky. And girls, don't feel left out. There's always the Cunninlingus Fairy.
Comments
The bib graphic is sick. Awesome.
Maybe it would help if receivers see that any future theft charges against them wouldn't hold up in court.
Posted by: Hubris | February 24, 2005 05:32 PM
So do we hopeless fellows who can't even get service from a crackwhore get "Ramen and Rib Removal Day"?
Posted by: fad | February 24, 2005 05:33 PM
It's how steak is done,
No tenderizer for me,
Just a little sauce.
/got nuthin'
//don't really agree with the holiday
///Hate the last ten minutes of my day
Posted by: Gabe | February 24, 2005 05:50 PM
Been years since I've tried a Haiku but here goes:
You've been good today
The sauce I'll swallow is rare
Like the grilled rib-eye
Posted by: Muckraker | February 24, 2005 05:51 PM
savoring mouth meat
mine rare with your special sauce
yours drowned in A-1
Posted by: Muckraker | February 24, 2005 06:01 PM
Just remember dear
This remains allowable
Approved by Atkins
Posted by: Chrees | February 24, 2005 06:02 PM
Don't forget, traditional Haiku revolves around a nature theme:
it's a warm spring night
hoping you'll swallow my load
after you cook steak
Posted by: prairie biker | February 24, 2005 06:08 PM
Just for you, my dear
kneepads on, pouty lips mine
sputter sputter, gulp
(sniff sniff, obviously a love poem)
Posted by: Carin | February 24, 2005 06:11 PM
Ok, here's a card for the ladies to give their special beaus when offering ...
A steak, gently grilled,
Tastes even better when I
wash it down with you
Posted by: SharonO | February 24, 2005 06:29 PM
for ee cummings
in just spring when steak
and BJ day rolls round don't
laugh at his last name
Posted by: skinbad | February 24, 2005 06:49 PM
Here's your steak dinner
Enjoy while I cover you
In whipped cream dessert
ha, never did a haiku. How about coupons and gift certificates?
Posted by: carol | February 24, 2005 06:51 PM
You bring the meat and
Fresh lettuce from the garden.
I'll make my own ranch.
---------------------
Laughter is stifled
As I try hard not to make
A "T Bone" punchline.
Posted by: J.P. | February 24, 2005 06:57 PM
These are awesome!
Posted by: michele | February 24, 2005 06:59 PM
You serve me a steak
Then my bones marrow you swallow
My day is complete
Posted by: Bill | February 24, 2005 07:40 PM
On cold winter nights
warm blanket covers my lap
she bobs underneath
Posted by: prairie biker | February 24, 2005 07:44 PM
Hmm,
red roses for you,
like the inside of my steak,
suck on my wiener?
------------------
snuffle my tube steak
as the robin takes the worm,
fillets for two, after.
-------------------
pink petals caress,
the one-eyed soldier charges
swallow, then we eat.
Posted by: Robert Modean | February 24, 2005 07:49 PM
I eat my steak rare
she swallows me rarer still
uncooked, hot jism
Posted by: prairie biker | February 24, 2005 07:52 PM
Tender and juicy
Need a little excitement?
Your Jim isn't Slim
Posted by: Shawn | February 24, 2005 08:07 PM
I missed out on this last year?
I guess its better to copulate than never.
Posted by: Rodney Dill | February 24, 2005 08:11 PM
Man, the competition is STIFF.
Posted by: Carin | February 24, 2005 08:33 PM
warm sensations
titillate my throbbing loins
you smell something burn?
____________________________________
I did not have sex
with that girl, Ms. Lewinsky
we just had some food
____________________________________
hey, don't spit that out
it cost twenty bucks per pound
for the enlargement
Posted by: Kevin | February 24, 2005 09:05 PM
she's not my girlfriend
she just loves the cock and balls
...wonder if she rims...
Posted by: el dietcrack | February 24, 2005 09:17 PM
It's a special day
do you like your t-bone rare?
heh heh, I said bone.
Posted by: Dave in Texas | February 24, 2005 09:48 PM
I like it so raw
that I can fully taste the
tender pink inside
Posted by: dorkafork | February 24, 2005 11:56 PM
oral and cooked meats
protein comes in many forms
give head and steak now
Posted by: KB | February 25, 2005 12:40 AM
An anti-Steak and BJ Day haiku? Or just disappointment?
overcook my steak
though you know i like it rare
sigh and now you spit
Posted by: chrees | February 25, 2005 12:57 AM
Both go in mouth
Teeth for one
But not the other
Posted by: AnalogKid | February 25, 2005 01:20 AM
Love is in the air
Spring (and my dick) comes again
Say you will swallow
Posted by: Gahrie | February 25, 2005 01:48 AM
Steak and a BJ
Make them however you like
But both should sizzle
My steak was awesome
Please let me go brush my teeth
And then I'll brush yours
Posted by: Mark J | February 25, 2005 01:53 AM
A day for some steak,
More meat makes you beautiful!
A shot in the dark.
Posted by: Richmond | February 25, 2005 05:05 AM
the t-bone goes down
desperate housewives over
now you go down too
Posted by: g | February 25, 2005 07:52 AM
I know this will come back to haunt me! :)
Eyes closed leaning back
Scent of steak and summer grass
Warm mouth, great pleasure
Posted by: Tony Iovino | February 25, 2005 07:54 AM
Been married too long,
cooked my own steak, burned it bad,
called escort service
Posted by: prairie biker | February 25, 2005 09:23 AM
lol, prairei biker has inspired me...
cooking for one now
My penis, my hand, warm lotion
Steak and beer time, bitch.
---------------------------
We argue again.
emotions flare, steak charred black.
Thank God she swallows.
Posted by: Robert Modean | February 25, 2005 11:01 AM
Presenting my second haiku ever. The first being entered in a Kiss Haiku contest!
Throbbing or charred dear
How do you prefer your meat
Tonight you get both
Posted by: Pursuit | February 25, 2005 11:10 AM
you should eat my steak
already spiced and seasoned
just dont masticate
Posted by: Val Prieto | February 25, 2005 11:24 AM
Done and now hungry?
Dentures are so versatile
put them back in now.
Posted by: prairie biker | February 25, 2005 11:34 AM
Certified prime beef
sizzling hot, firm, and juicy
Plus we have steaks, too.
Posted by: Alan S. | February 25, 2005 12:13 PM
She said let's snowball
Desperate, I acquiesced
A1 would have helped
Posted by: Hubris | February 25, 2005 01:05 PM
Cook me a steak, take
My piping-hot man-chowder
Now that's amoré!
Posted by: Heywood Jablomi | February 25, 2005 05:28 PM
The menu is set:
Steak for me, Tube Steak for you
you can have seconds.
Posted by: BumperStickerist | February 25, 2005 05:51 PM
What does a girl wear
When she "marinates" the meat?
Some tong underwear.
Posted by: Jeff | February 26, 2005 08:32 AM
Vegetarians
Miss out on steak, not BJs.
They still moan, "Awwww juuuuuuus."
Posted by: Jeff | February 26, 2005 08:37 AM
"Steak and BJ Day"
Bill Murray's 'Other' Movie
is now on the web
Posted by: BumperStickerist | February 26, 2005 08:45 AM
(late entry, sorry Haiku is not my forte)
Easy to decide
Sixty-nine pleases us both
who will cook the steak
Posted by: Rodney Dill | February 26, 2005 09:23 AM
(another late entry...which sounds fun actually)
Don't bring me flowers
Please concentrate on the stem
Relax! There're no thorns...
Posted by: Mr. Bingley | February 26, 2005 10:22 AM
ready, warm and pink
her inviting lips devour
the savory flesh
Posted by: Omaha | February 26, 2005 11:04 AM
Shoot
(early form of premature Haiku)
Posted by: Rodney Dill | February 26, 2005 01:48 PM
Her bobbin' slobbin'
Feels so good on my knobbin
But it bumps my plate
Posted by: Beloved Leader | February 26, 2005 06:01 PM
You can have your meat
and eat it, my dear sweetheart
But only chew one
Posted by: Beloved Leader | February 26, 2005 06:05 PM
grease drips in the flame
my belly covers her face
tonsils and steak, glazed
from "FatMan Lovin': Sexy Songs of the Obese with Cheese"
Posted by: silly me | February 26, 2005 06:13 PM
Steaks on the grill
Steak in your mouth--move too fast
Premature haiku
---------------------------------
Your salmon fillet
My trout, we savor them both
To heck with the steaks
Posted by: Desert Cat | March 1, 2005 10:27 AM
warm tongue a moist breeze
lips pull like the undertow
can you cook this well?
Posted by: spongeworthy | March 2, 2005 10:16 AM