Dick for a Day
I commend unto you Dick for a Day, a late-90s collection of essays edited by Fiona Giles, in which a few dozen notable women are asked "What would you do if you had one for 24 hours?"
So I thought - hey, why not? That will be today's post. What I Would Do If I Had A Dick For A Day. Compelling, no?
Well, not really. Because I'd probably just masturbate and fall asleep a couple of times. Ok, maybe I would see just how hard it is to hit the inside of the toilet bowl while peeing. And, well....maybe there are some other sex things I would want to try, but that would hinge upon finding someone who was willing to experiment with a chick with a dick and frankly, I'd rather not venture into places where one might find a guy who is into hemaphrodites.
I think I started having penis envy in high school. It wasn't anything sexual; I was just jealous. When we would spend long nights hanging out in the sump drinking cheap beer, the guys who had to pee would just, you know, get up and pee. Go stand in corner, take a whiz, shake it off, zip up. As a girl, I had to go find a secluded place, pull down my pants, squat in such a way that the pee wouldn't trickle into my lowered pants (found that out the hard way) and then find something (usually a leaf) to wipe with. For guys, peeing in the great outdoors is a competition (Look, my piss went farther than yours!). For girls, it's a hazardous journey around dangers like poison ivy and wet pants and the fear of little woodland creatures biting you in the ass. So I suppose that if I had a penis for a day, I would drink a six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon and, when I had to pee, just go outside and take a whiz on nature.
Maybe I'd also do things like grab my crotch and say "I got your offsides right here, buddy" while watching hockey. Or adjust my package in front of company.
I think I'd take one for the team, so to speak, and let some little kid hit me in the balls with a baseball bat. I'd see if it really hurts that bad or if you guys are just wimps when it comes to pain. I'd film it for America's Funniest Home Videos because a hit to the groin really makes that audience laugh. It's second only to "baby tries to walk and falls down, slamming face into sharp cornered end table."
I'd let all my girlfriends touch it. Not in a sexual way, though I'm sure I wouldn't be able to help it if I got a rise out of the situation, but just so they could really, really look at a dick and examine it without feeling like they have to then give it an obligatory hand job. I mean, how often to you get to touch a penis and not have to finish it off?
Apparently, when you have a dick, it's ok to use work time to masturbate if one of your cube mates makes you horny. I'd like to try that one out. "Uhh..boss, Janie is looking really hot today and I'm afraid I might molest her, so I'm just gonna go in the bathroom and rub one out. Back in ten!" How much would that rock?
Maybe I'd write songs about it. Or at least write songs referring to it. I mean, lyrics like suck on the end of this dick that cums lead have absolutey no equivalent from a female perspective. Anger is a powerful thing. Anger mixed with dick sucking references? That's golden.
Speaking of golden....nah, nevermind.
Ah, I know what else I'd do! I'd sing Monty Python's Penis Song!
Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong?
It's swell to have a stiffy,
It's divine to own a dick,
From the tiniest little tadger,
To the world's biggest prick.
So, three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas,
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake,
Your piece of pork,
Your wife's best friend,
Your Percy, or your cock.
You can wrap it up in ribbons.
You can slip it in your sock,
But don't take it out in public,
Or they will stick you in the dock,
And you won't come back.
And with a dick, I'd finally be able to sing it like I mean it! And when I was done with that, I'd sing:
So, yea. I'd like a dick for a day just so I can sing songs about having one in a meaningful sort of way. After I peed in the backyard and went through a box of tissues.
I hide my dirty minutes under the dirty mattress and they are making me itch My time is spilt milk.