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Dick for a Day

Over here, Charles left this comment:
I commend unto you Dick for a Day, a late-90s collection of essays edited by Fiona Giles, in which a few dozen notable women are asked "What would you do if you had one for 24 hours?"

So I thought - hey, why not? That will be today's post. What I Would Do If I Had A Dick For A Day. Compelling, no?

Well, not really. Because I'd probably just masturbate and fall asleep a couple of times. Ok, maybe I would see just how hard it is to hit the inside of the toilet bowl while peeing. And, well....maybe there are some other sex things I would want to try, but that would hinge upon finding someone who was willing to experiment with a chick with a dick and frankly, I'd rather not venture into places where one might find a guy who is into hemaphrodites.

I think I started having penis envy in high school. It wasn't anything sexual; I was just jealous. When we would spend long nights hanging out in the sump drinking cheap beer, the guys who had to pee would just, you know, get up and pee. Go stand in corner, take a whiz, shake it off, zip up. As a girl, I had to go find a secluded place, pull down my pants, squat in such a way that the pee wouldn't trickle into my lowered pants (found that out the hard way) and then find something (usually a leaf) to wipe with. For guys, peeing in the great outdoors is a competition (Look, my piss went farther than yours!). For girls, it's a hazardous journey around dangers like poison ivy and wet pants and the fear of little woodland creatures biting you in the ass. So I suppose that if I had a penis for a day, I would drink a six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon and, when I had to pee, just go outside and take a whiz on nature.

Maybe I'd also do things like grab my crotch and say "I got your offsides right here, buddy" while watching hockey. Or adjust my package in front of company.

I think I'd take one for the team, so to speak, and let some little kid hit me in the balls with a baseball bat. I'd see if it really hurts that bad or if you guys are just wimps when it comes to pain. I'd film it for America's Funniest Home Videos because a hit to the groin really makes that audience laugh. It's second only to "baby tries to walk and falls down, slamming face into sharp cornered end table."

I'd let all my girlfriends touch it. Not in a sexual way, though I'm sure I wouldn't be able to help it if I got a rise out of the situation, but just so they could really, really look at a dick and examine it without feeling like they have to then give it an obligatory hand job. I mean, how often to you get to touch a penis and not have to finish it off?

Apparently, when you have a dick, it's ok to use work time to masturbate if one of your cube mates makes you horny. I'd like to try that one out. "Uhh..boss, Janie is looking really hot today and I'm afraid I might molest her, so I'm just gonna go in the bathroom and rub one out. Back in ten!" How much would that rock?

Maybe I'd write songs about it. Or at least write songs referring to it. I mean, lyrics like suck on the end of this dick that cums lead have absolutey no equivalent from a female perspective. Anger is a powerful thing. Anger mixed with dick sucking references? That's golden.

Speaking of golden....nah, nevermind.

Ah, I know what else I'd do! I'd sing Monty Python's Penis Song!

Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong?
It's swell to have a stiffy,
It's divine to own a dick,
From the tiniest little tadger,
To the world's biggest prick.

So, three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas,
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake,
Your piece of pork,
Your wife's best friend,
Your Percy, or your cock.
You can wrap it up in ribbons.
You can slip it in your sock,
But don't take it out in public,
Or they will stick you in the dock,
And you won't come back.

And with a dick, I'd finally be able to sing it like I mean it! And when I was done with that, I'd sing:

My ding-a-ling, my ding-a-ling, I want you to play with my ding-a-ling! Maybe I'd whip it out and shake it around a little while I sang. OH! Then I'd whip out my big ten inch

So, yea. I'd like a dick for a day just so I can sing songs about having one in a meaningful sort of way. After I peed in the backyard and went through a box of tissues.

I hide my dirty minutes under the dirty mattress and they are making me itch My time is spilt milk.

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Comments

Well, have fun storming the castle, etc, but watch out when it tries to convince you it needs to do the thinkin...

Which it will, cuz that's just what it does.....

However, do NOT volunteer to 'take one in the balls.' Just don't. It's not some great male secret. IT FUCKING HURTS!

If it didn't really hurt, then let's face it, sports safety equipment manufacturers would be pulling the biggest ruse on the public. And besides, what guy would wear something like that unless he really had to?

Jesus, I'm not supposed to sit down when I pee?

Whoo hoo!
This puts you squarely and permanently in the category of "people it would be really fun to get drunk with".
Prairie biker or Wind Racer can confirm that there are very few people in that category.

So... yer gonna wank all day and pee standing up?

Just add watching ESPN while eating cereal from the box, and you have a guy's Dream Day.

You missed the most important thing... when you have a penis, electronics work for you.

Ask any woman who has struggled with a remote only to have her man walk up, hit a button or three and have it all fall into place.

PBR? Please tell me you wouldn't do that to your "dick for a day."

Even the baseball bat was a less cruel undertaking.

Sounds fun, Michele. I've always wanted to be able to pee wherever and whenever I wanted. My husband told me he used to pee his name in sand traps on a golf course. Such talent...

I would NOT, however, take one the balls. Didn't you ever fall down straddling a boy's bike? OMG...O.M.G. It was about 30 years ago, but I still remember it clearly. The pain shot up through my body to the top of my head and down to the tips of my toes. It was like getting the breath knocked out of me, and I couldn't move for a few minutes. We have such a tiny little area that if hit just right can cause this immense pain, whereas guys have a bigger target area. No thank you!!

Don't forget the inherent navigational skills that come with it-one day of not asking directions-priceless.

Make sure to get a 17 year old dick so you'll experience premature ejaculation from the fun side. 0-60 in four seconds? There's nothing quite like it.

From the other side of the fence, a classic. Yes, it's that John Hughes.

I cannot remember the artist but Dr. Demento used to play a song, 'If I Had a Penis,' that ended with:
I'd still be a girl
but I'd make twice as much money
and conquer the world.

The lyrics are over in these comments, Eric.

In case you're still wondering, IT REALLY DOES HURT THAT MUCH.

I would parallel park.

Peeing standing up is waaaaaaaaay overrated.I prefer to sit when it's 4:30am and my mind is elsewhere.It's also easier to whack off sitting down, than standing up...it's already out, may as well use it.

Not curious how it feels to be kicked there?

I figure it would be a great way to tell guys "Hey, I DO know how it feels!" just like pregnant women bitch at men how they don't know how it feels to be pregnant or give bitch.