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The Final Battle: Burns v. Willie

[Update: Poll will stay open through this evening]


[See background to this battle here and here]

It comes down to this. C. Montgomery Burns against Groundskeeper Willie.

Cast your vote in the comments. Difficulty: You must support your choice with one quote from your candidate. Any vote made without a supporting quote gets disqualified.

Poll open until I feel like closing it, announcing the winner and finally putting this thing to rest.


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"Bonjour, ye cheese eating surtrender monkeys!"


Mr. Burns: You're fired.
Marge: You can't fire me just because I'm married. I'm gonna sue the pants off of you.
Mr. Burns: You don't have to sue me to get my pants off.


Burns: Oh, we'll hang onto those. Now, to the plant! We'll take the Spruce Moose. [picks up the model] Hop in!
Smithers: But, sir --
Burns: [pointing a gun] I said, hop in.

Mr. Burns.

"Have the Rolling Stones killed."

C. Montgomery Burns: Fine, I'll admit it. I had Amelia Earhart's plane shot down. That hussy was getting too big for her jodhpurs


"Look at me. I'm Davy Crockett."


"As punishment for your desertion, it's company policy to give you...The Plague."


"You call this a soccer riot? Come on boys, let's take 'em to school!


(singing) "See my vest!"

Burns: "Ill give the money to the charity..when pigs fly."
sees Homer's BBQ pig go flying by the plant
Smithers: "Are you going to give the money now sir?"
Burns: "No, I dont think so."

Mr. Burns

Burns: "Oh, it's doing that thing again"


Homer: "You're the richest guy I know. Way richer than Lenny"
Burns: "Yes, but I'd trade it all for a little more"


Burns: "Does anyone have change for a button?"


"Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons."

I love Willie. No, not that kind of willie. Sheesh. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.) Even voted for him in the first poll (right before I stuffed the ballot box with illegal votes for Principal Skinner).

That said, gotta go with Monty. The show'd die without Mr. Burns. Honestly, you think anybody'd make a fuss if Groundskeeper Willie were mysteriously shot by a toddler?

Smithers: Sir, I'm afraid we have a bad image, people see you as a bit of an ogre.
Burns: I ought to club them and eat their bones!

Burns: Oooh, so Mother Nature needs a favor?! Well maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys! Nature started the fight for survival, and now she wants to quit because she's losing. Well I say, hard cheese.

Burns: Well, that's odd. I've just robbed a man of his livelihood, and yet I feel strangely empty. Tell you what, Smithers - have him beaten to a pulp.

Burns: I'm looking for something in an attack dog. One who likes the sweet gamey tang of human flesh. Hmmm, why here's the fellow... Wiry, fast, firm, proud buttocks. Reminds me of me.

Burns: So, Smithers, what are you doing this weekend. Something gay, I expect?
Smithers: What?!
Burns: You know, light and fancy free; mothers, lock up your daughters - Smithers is on the town!
Smithers: Oh! Of course.

Willie: "I'll save the wee turtles!"

Burns: Well, come in! Ah, fresh victims for my ever growing legions of the undead.
Smithers: Sir, you have to let go of the button.
Burns: Oh, son of a b----

Willie has probably one of the five best all-times Simpsons quotes with "Bonjour, yeh cheese-eatin' surrender monkeys!" but you can't beat the quantity and quality of Mr. Burns.

"Ooh, the Germans are mad at me. I'm so scared! Oooh, the Germans!"

"Oh, General Kao, you're a bloodthirsty foe, but your chicken is delectable."

"Heh...heh...he...What was I laughing at, now?...Oh yes, that crippled Irishman!"

And without Mr. Burns you couldn't enjoy the Smithers ?sub?text:
"Happy Birth-day, Mis-ter Smith-ers."

Which, admittedly, was alot more outre in 1989 than it is today.


Hippie 1: All right! We're finally going to stop those corporate pigs from dumping that nuclear waste!
Hippie 2: Oh, no! Our boat is sinking!
Burns: It was I, you fools! The man you trusted wasn't Wavy Gravy at all! [tosses a guitar away] And all this time, I've been smoking harmless tobacco.

Totally Burns.

Burns: Smithers, hand me that ice cream scoop.

Smithers (puzzled): Ice cream scoop?

Burns: Damn it man, this isn't rocket science, it's brain surgery!!


Mr. Burns

Marge's Mom: Oh Monty, I'd swear you're the devil himslef.
Burns: WHO TOLD YOU, ooh never mind.

Burns by a knockout in the first round in record time....

The quote? It's the oft-repeated:



If elected mayor, my first act will be to kill the whole lot of ya, and burn yer town to cinders!


"'Twas a bonny pile of puuke!"

Burns: A lifetime of working with nuclear power has given me a healthy green glow ... and left me as impotent as a Nevada Boxing Commissioner.


Dooooood! It's ....


Monty by a mile.


"Doughnuts? I told you I don't like ethnic food!"


"My germs, my precious germs! They never harmed a soul. They never even had a chance!"

I love Willie, but I've got to go with Burns. From Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk:

"So I can look Uncle Fritz square in the monocle and say 'Nein!'"


"Thanks for not making fun of my genitalia."

Willie. That accent just kills me.

It won't last. Brothers and sisters are natural enemies. Like Englishmen and Scots! Or Welshmen and Scots! Or Japanese and Scots! Or Scots and other Scots! Damn Scots! They ruined Scotland!


"Somebody save me from the wee turtles"


"Oh, meltdown. It's one of those annoying buzzwords. We prefer to call it an unrequested fission surplus."


Shatner, auditioning for the role of Burns: "Ecks, sell, ENT!"
Burns: "NEEEEEXT!"


"This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election. Yet, if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you!"

Smithers: "You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir."

Pretty much the Democratic Underground take on the 2004 election, summed up years in advance.


"Smithers had thwarted my earlier attempt to take candy from a baby. But with him
out of the picture, I was free to wallow in my own crapulence."

Crapulence- quite possibly the one word that makes me laugh every time I hear Burns say it...

Dammit. Hard choice.


Mr. Burns.

"Mother of pearl! Call my lawyers!"


"There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman"

"Release the hounds!"

as Bart is spotted on his property.

Definitely CM Burns - my all time favorites have already been taken ("I'd trade it all for a little more" and "...Oh yes, that crippled Irishman"), so I'll go with:

"...award to Homer Simpson, for turning a potential Chernobyl into a mere Three Mile Island"

Willie: I warned ya about the colored chalk, didn't I warn ya? That chalk was forged by Lucifer himself.

Also, and I can't remember it exactly, when Bart loses Santa's Little Helper: "I 'ate him. I 'ate his little face, I 'ate his guts ... and I 'ate the way he's always barking"

yep Burns:

[On the day Homer quits the power plant, he insults Mr. Burns and plays his bald head like a bongo drum]
Mr. Burns: I should be resisting this, but I'm paralyzed with rage... and island rhythms.
Computer: Warning, problem in Sector 7-G.
Mr. Burns: 7-G? Good God, who's the safety inspector there?
Smithers: Uh, Homer Simpson, sir.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? Good man, intelligent?
Smithers: Actually, sir, he was hired under Project Bootstrap.
Mr. Burns: [bitterly] Thank you, President Ford.
Burns: This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon, they'll have finished the greatest novel known to man.
[reads a page]
Mr. Burns: All right, let's see..."It was the best of times, it was the BLURST of times?" You stupid monkey.
Burns: Right now I'll be taking my puppies back.
Lisa: But they're ours, you stole them from us.
[gives her a cell phone]
Mr. Burns: Here's a phone. Call somebody who cares.
[Lisa dials "9", "1,"... ]
Mr. Burns: Give me that.
Burns: Alright, let's make this sporting, Leonard. If you can tell me why I shouldn't fire you without using the letter "e," you can keep your job.
Lenny: Uh, okay. I'm a good... work... guy...
Mr. Burns: You're fired.
Lenny: But I didn't say it.
Mr. Burns: You will.
[He pulls a lever, dropping Lenny down a trapdoor]
Burns: Now, as an attack dog you'll be expected to neutralize intruders.
Smithers: Wanna buy some cookies? Wanna buy some cookies?
[Santa's Little Helper starts licking Smithers' face]
Mr. Burns: Oh, if that were a real Girl Scout, I'd have been bothered by now.

Willie: "Now look boy. If your dad goes gaga, you just use that shin of your's to call me an I'll come arunnin. But don't be readin my mind between 4 and 5. That's Willie's time."

I say Charles Burns Smithers in more ways that one, I mean Charles Burns and Smithers.

Burns can't win without Smithers. If Lenny and Carl are attached at the beer elbow then certainly Burns and Smithers are attached elsewhere. I not sure if it is by Smithers brown nose connected to the appropriate place on Burns, or some other part of Smithers connected to the same place. You judge for yourself...

Master Burns: Look at them, Smithers. Goldbrickers.... Layabouts.... Slug-a-beds! Little do they realise their days of suckling at my teat are numbered.

Smithers: [Pondering expression]

Master Burns: Nonsense! Dogs are idiots! Think about it, Smithers. If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over you, what would you say?

Smithers: If you did it, sir?

I live on Long Island and know where you live so no more BM jokes OK. I had enough of that as a kid and yes I hate my parents. 8b My lunch break is over now but I will get you after work, but first I'm going to finish this O'Henry.

I've always wondered why Spongebob is so popular with a certain crowd. Shouldn't it be Smithers.

But I see your "latent" readership has a thing for the big red hairy chest of that groundsperson fellow Willie. Maybe it has to do with him ripping his shirt off all the time. Or ... do you suppose that his name has anything to do with why he won the first contest.

I posted anonomous last time as a goof to simulate a irate reader. I see you went along with it. Actually, BM jokes don't bother me either. Nor the fact that this O'Henry is, I can't just place it, making me uneasy.

Just kidding about coming over to kill you ... really, it doesn't bother me ... and I don't hate my parents ... and, and, ... that incident ...

You wouldn't have the show without Burns, but my heart belongs to Willie.

"I was alone in my Unabomber-style shack. I had nothing to do with that car-jacking."

"Simpson... Homer... Homer. Simpson.. D'oh"


Burns had a parallel line in another episode:

"Did I say corpse hatch? I meant innocence tube."


"What's wrong with Crippler?"

"what do the common people think of me, Smithers?"

"Sir they think your a bit of an ogre."

"Ogre, eh? I should crush their skulls and eat their brains for that!"


"Hello lamppost, whatcha knowing, I've come to watch your power flowing"

This is a little unfair to willie, burns isn't really a secondary character.

[Homer goes to the plant credit union to get a loan to buy Lisa a pony]
Homer: Uh, I'd like to borrow $5,000.
Bank Clerk: Sorry, I can't approve a loan that size myself.
[she walks off; Mr. Burns and Smithers appear]
Mr. Burns: Hello.
Homer: Aah!
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? How can I help you?
Homer: Mr. Burns, you do this personally?
Mr. Burns: Oh, it's a hobby. I'm not in this for any personal gain, heavens no! By the way, are you acquainted with our state's stringent usury laws?
Homer: Us-ury?
Mr. Burns: Oh, silly me! I must have just made up a word that doesn't exist. Now, what is the purpose of this loan?
Homer: I want to buy a pony.
Mr. Burns: Isn't that cute! Smithers, he's planning on joining the horsey set!
[lowers voice]
Mr. Burns: That is it, isn't it? You're not planning to eat it?
Homer: No, I need to get it for my little girl because she doesn't love me any more...
Smithers: Shut up, Simpson.
Homer: Sorry.
Smithers: Do you have any collateral?
Mr. Burns: Oh Smithers, let's not be so cold. His spirit is my collateral. Just sign this form, and the money will be yours.
Mr. Burns: [as Homer begins to sign, Burns starts laughing evilly]
Mr. Burns: Sorry, I was just, um, thinking of something funny Smithers did today.
Smithers: I didn't do anything funny, sir.
Mr. Burns: [whispering] Shut up!

Burns: Before you begin, let me make one thing clear to you. I want your legal advice, I even pay for it. But to me you're all vipers. You live on personal injury, you live on divorces, you live on pain and misery. But I'm rambling. Anybody want any coffee?
Lawyer: I'll have some coffee.
Mr. Burns: Want it black, don't you? Black like your heart. It's so hard for me to listen to you, I HATE YOU ALL SO MUCH. I'm sorry, it's my problem, I'll deal with it. Please continue.
Lawyer: If you offer Mr. Simpson a token sum, say a couple of thou, he'll be so dazzled he'll sign anything you shove under his nose.
Mr. Burns: Oh, brilliant, a cash settlement. I COULD HAVE FIGURED THAT OUT, YOU BUTTONED-DOWN MAGGOT.
Lawyer: Do you have any cream?
Mr. Burns: Oh yes, of course. Where are my manners?

I'll go with the crowd and vote Burns.

"Looks like the Pawnee have returned. They probably want their souls back."


(After viewing a videodating tape of Patty -- or was it Selma?)
Och! Back in the Loch with you, Nessie!


"Hello, Smithers. You're quite good. At. Turning. Me. On."


Mm. Perhaps. Tell you what; if we come back and everyone's slaughtered, I'll owe you a coke.

Burns: Hello, my name is Mr. uh... Snrub, and I come from some place far away. Yes, that will do. Anyway, I say we invest that money back in the nuclear plant.
Smithers: I like the way Snrub thinks!


"See my loafers? Once were goafers. 'Twas either that or skin my chauffeurs."

Burns' song of Lament:

Look at them all, through the darkness I'm bringing
They're not sad at all, they're actually singing
They sing without juicers
They sing without blenders
They sing without flunjers, capdabblers and smendlers.

From King Homer episode in which Homer is a giant ape like King Kong.

Burns: Smithers, this is a golden opportunity. If we get him alive, we can put him on Broadway. Dead, and we can sell monkey stew to the army!

I vote for Burns

If you can take advantage of a situation in some way, its your duty as an American to do it. Why should the race always be to the swift or the jumble to the quick-witted? Should they be allowed to win merely becouse of the gifts God gave them? Well, I say cheating is the gift Man gives himself!


Homer drops dead,
Smithers: Mr. Burns I think he's dead.
Burns: Oh, Dear, Send a ham to his widow.
Homer's ghost: MMM, Ham.
Homers spirit returns to his body.
Smither: No wait. He's alive.
Burns: Oh, good. Cancel the ham.
Homer: D'oh!


"Tis nothing but what God gave me ya puritan pukes!"


"Now the kilt was only for everyday wear.In battle, we donned a full length ball gown covered in sequins"

"Willie hear ya and Willie don't care"

"I 'ate em. I 'ate his face and I 'ate the mess he left on the floor....you now what I mean!"


"Good day to you..."
Spoken just after he and Smithers undo their spiderman suction cups and fall from the ceiling of the Simpson kitchen. (shortly after Homer spends whole night in the the kitchen eating processed cheese food "mmm...64 slices of American cheese")


"Look at him strutting around like he's cock of the walk. Well, let me tell you. Homer Simpson is cock of nothing."


"Ach, don't be sad, I was wrestling wolves when you were at yer mother's teat."

Willie, and a fitting quote:

"Argh, I'll kill that Mr. Burns!! And wound that Mr. Smithers!"


Mr Burns: "What country is that over there, it just screams capitalism"

Smithers: "That's Cuba sir."

I'll have to go with Burns.

Burns: "Compadres, it is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters before the start of the rainy season. And remember, a shiny new donkey for whomever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya."

Willie -

"Accchh, grease me up, woman"

Lunch Lady Doris: Okey-Dokey

Burns. Definately Burns. Best Villian Ever.

"Oh Ziggy, will you ever learn?"

Willie at the school fair: "Get your haggis, right here! Chopped heart and lungs boiled in a wee sheep's stomach! Tastes as good as it sounds. Good for what ails ya!"

Skinner: "How was your summer, Groundskeeper Willie?"

Willie: "I made millions in software, but lost it all at the track."

ah, bumperstickerist just beat me to it.

willie, and grease me up, woman.

Both great characters, but I've got to go with Burns. You can build an episode around Burns - several in fact - but you'd have a hard time doing the same with Willie.

Homer: "What are you going to do? Release the hounds? Or the bees? Or the hounds with bees in their mouths, and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?"
Burns: "Oh no, I'm going to do much worse. Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons."


"What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man?"

It took me a while to find it, but Burns:

"Look, Skinner, we haven't got all day. Kill the horrid beasts... and do away with their lizards"


Mr. Burns: So, Smithers, what are you doing this weekend. Something gay, I expect?
Smithers: What?!!
Mr. Burns: You know, light and fancy free! Mothers, lock up your daughters! Smithers is on the town!
Smithers: Oh! Of course.

OK, don't count this as a vote, since I already voted once, but another great Burns quote:

"Cause of parents death? Got in my way..."

I have some news on what Montgomery Burns has been up to...


Willie, by a nose.

Burns best quote: "Family, religion, friendship- these are the three demons that you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. When opportunity knowcks, you don't want to be on your way to the maternity hospital or sitting in some phony-baloney church... or synagogue."

Willie- many classics: "look at me, I'm Milhouse, I have no friends so I confide in Willie etc. etc.",

Skinner (to Nelson): "I'm going to subject you to the most menial work there is, janitorial work."
Willie: "Ach, I'm standin' right here"

Monty, of course.

No one in the plant can open his pickle jar, leaving Burns lunch-less.

Smithers: "Shall I send out for some Chinese, sir?"

Burns: "No, those people are all gristle."