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Save Me, Jebus! (A quote game extravaganza)

Today also happens to be the birthday of Simpsons creator Matt Groening. In his honor, I'm going to go Simpsons crazy today.

Sure, I might have kissed the series off earlier this year, but The Simpsons still remains my most favorite tv series EVER.

We'll start today's Simpsons extravaganza with two things. First, a poll:

I couldn't think of the word I wanted besides secondary. So this is basically a vote on your favorite non-Simpsons family Simpsons character. (The poll is below the fold so it doesn't slow the page down).

Also, I've got a new quote game for you. I start off with a Simpsons quote and then list a character. The next person has to give a quote from that character and then list a character for the next person to quote. Repeats of characters are obviously ok.

Game over. Just name your favorite quotes.

I had mustard? -- Barney Gumble

Ralph Wiggum


"Grease me up, woman. I'm going in!"--Goundskeeper Willy.

Nelson Munse

I scrwed it up already...That should have been a Ralph.


That's ok, we'll get the hang of it.

Nelson: In my dreams, I'm a viking!

Grandpa Simpson

Grandpa Simpson: "Do we sell...french fries?"

Principle Skinner

Homer: Yvan Eht Nioj! You've gotta love that crazy chorus!

Lisa: What does it mean?

Homer: Eh, it doesn't mean anything. Like ramalanga ding dong, and give peace a chance.

Oops. Didn't read all the rules.

Principal Skinner: Do you kids want to be like the real UN, or do you want to squabble and waste time?

-Kent Brockman

Kent: A new mood is in the air in Springfield, a refreshing as a pre-moistened towelette.


As for me, I welcome our new ant overlords. -Kent Brockman

Superintendent Chalmers

They have the plant but we have the power. -Lisa

Superintendent Chalmers (redo)

"Skinnnner!!!! -Supt Chalmers

Comic Book Guy

Worst. Episode. Ever. - Comic Book Guy

Must assume Lorne Green death pose. - Comic Book Guy


Chalmers: Skinner! I have had it with this school Seymour. The low test scores and class after class of ugly ugly children.


I love you brake fluid! - Barney

Milhouse (redo)

Oops. Too slow. Ignore mine.

Milhouse: So this is what it feels like...when doves cry.

-Edna Crabapple

What happened to my little class coward? - Edna


Edna: Children I'm sorry to say one of your lunches exploded.Who has the 'little bunny foofoo' lunchbox?

Troy McLure

(Don't worry if the order screws up, just keep going to the best of your ability. Eventually it will turn into a free for all quote fest anyhow)

I'm Troy Mclure. You might remember me from such films as 'Mommy, what happened to that man's face?' -Troy

Moleman (redo)

Moleman: "Didn't that movie used to have a war in it?"


Moleman: "I was saying Boo-earns."


What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man? - Burns


I'm not supposed to get pudding in that eye! - Lenny

Krusty (redo)

Lenny: Lenny: Ow, my eye! I'm not supposed to get pudding in it!

That always cracks me up.

Krusty: We're going to the happiest place on Earth—Tijuana!


Krusty: And now a word from our sponsor - PERCOCET!! Aww...crap!


Krusty: "Keep driving." (on the porch, with a shotgun.)


Underachiever and proud of it. -Bart

/old school


Otto: My name is Ot-to and I love to get blot-to.


Krusty - "I'm not going to do 'A' list material for charity!"

Lou (the cop)

Bumblebee Man: "No me gusta!"

Dr. Hibert

Dr. Hibert: Homer, we are going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker.
Homer: Can you dumb it down a shade?


Patty: "Great, we'll have a girl's night! No bra's!"

Rod /Tod flanders

Rod: Yay! Imaginary Christmas!

Tod: I got a pogo stick! (pretends to jump on it)

Disco Stu

Disco Stu: "Disco Stu doesn't advertise."


Moe: I'll use your head as a bucket and paint my house with your brains


Homer: “I haven’t felt this was about a song since ‘Funkytown’!

Snowball 2

Snowball 2 is tough, let's try Apu.

Apu: "Silly customer, you cannot hurt a Twinkie."

Sideshow Bob

Sideshow Bob: Hah! Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel prize for attempted chemistry? Do they?


Ralph Eww, Daddy, this tastes like Gramma!

Chief Wiggum.

Chief Wiggum: Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the... uh... what cures cancer?

Let's go back to Troy McClure.

"I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such telethons as Out With Gout '88 and Let's Save Tony Orlando's House."

Maude Flanders

"Ahhh!" (when she died.)


Carl: I am so sick of everyone assuming I'm good at basketball because I'm African-American. (slam dunks) Go Carl! Go Carl! It's my birthday! It's my birthday!

Prof Frink

Carl: any religion that embraces carob is not for carl carlson

Maude: They were having S-E-X in front of C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N!

comic book guy

Prof Fink: Professor Fink, Professor Fink/He'll make you laugh/He'll make you think/He likes to run and then the thing with the... person.

Oh my great good God! Gentlemen, your attention please.

I am detecting a gigiantic amphibious life-form, it's 80 meters long and it's heading this way. Oh good glayven it's on my shoe!

It's a small frog, just get off, just get off there, just get out of it, get out of it. Stupid
machine... Oh wait a minute, this isn't the Monsterometer, it's the Frog-Exaggerator Mm-hai.

Mayor Quimby

Mayor Quimby: We will now hear suggestions for the disbursement of the two million dollars.
Lisa: Don't you mean three million dollars?
Mayor Quimby: ...Of course. How silly of me.


Mayor Quimby: Our city will not negotiate with terrorists. Is there a city nearby that will?

Kang and Kodos

Mayor Quimby: "Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?"



Smithers: Sir, I've arranged for the people of Australia to join hands tonight and spell out your name with candles. There's a satellite hookup on that monitor if you turn your head slightly.
Burns: Bah, no time.

Now, Kang and Kodos!

Kang: Pathetic humans! They're showing a Halloween episode in November!
Kodos: Who's still thinking about halloween? We've already got our Christmas decorations up!
Kang/Kodos: Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!

Smithers (redo)

heh, too fast.

Smithers: Here's something that should cheer you up, sir. It's me sir, Bobo, hug me, squeeze me, tug at my fur!

Herb Powell

'Sokay, IgwanaRob. Got your back.

Herb Powell: "People don't want cars named after hungry old Greek broads!"


Tiffany, Heather, Cody, Dillan, Dermit, Jordan, Tailor, Brittney, Wesley, Rumor, Skyle, Cassidy, Zoe, Cloe, Max, Hunter, Kendel, Katelyn, Noah, Sasha, Morgan, Kira, Ean, Lauren, Kubert, Phil!

Duff Man

Duff Man: "Duff beer is brewed from hopps, barley, and sparkling clear mountain what?"
Titanya: "Goat!"
Duff Man: "Close enough!"

Um... Dr. Hibbert again

Dr. Hibbert: You have twenty-four hours to live.
Homer: Twenty-four hours!
Dr. Hibbert: Well, twenty-two. I'm sorry I kept you waiting so long.

Lionel Hutz

Lionel Hutz: "Cases won in 30 minutes or your pizza's free!"


Snake: I'm gonna win you back even if I have to pistol whip this guy all night.


Snake: "That's my little dude!"

Kent Brockman

One more Hutz for fun (one of my alltime Hutz favorites):
Lionel Hutz: And what is a contract? Websters defines a contract as an agreement under the law that is unbreakable. Unnn-breakable. ...
Excuse me I have to use the restroom.

-Back to Gil

Gil - "No I don't want to talk to him...Fred! How are ya"

Rainier Wolfcastle

Kent Brockman: The death count so far is zero. But we expect that to shoot right up.

-Gil Dammit! :)

Gil: "Why did I bet the company payroll?...ole Gil is in a lot of trouble."

BTW, I hate Gil. A poor substitute for the great loss of Phil Hartman.

Sideshow Mel


Rev. Lovejoy

Sideshow Mel: There's cheese in this sandwich! Surely you know I'm lactose intolerant!
Bart: Sorry.
Sideshow Mel: Sorry? Do you know how sick this is going to make me? Come stand next to the bathroom door, I want to yell at you some more.

Lyle Lanley

Reverend Lovejoy: "Good people, I'm so happy you're all here tonight, but please, just a few words of caution. Now we are going to set this pile of evil ablaze, but because these are children's toys, the fire will spread quickly. So please stand back and try not to inhale the toxic fumes..."

Lyle Lanley!

Lyle Lanley: Now I'm here to answer any questions you children may have about the monorail.
Kid: Can it outrun the flash?
Lyle Lanley: You bet.
Kid: Can superman outrun the flash?
Lyle Lanley: Eh, sure, why not.


People today are healthier and drinking less. You know, if it wasn't for the junior high school next door, no one would even use the cigarette machine.

-- Moe the Bartender

Millhouse: Nelson is going to pants you and the girls are calling you fatty-fat-fat-fat, but no one is trying to kill you.

-Zombie Shakespeare

P.S. Lyle Lanley was a great call. I had to look up who that was. Damn, how could I forget?

Moe: "So what's the gag? It's full of chiggers, right?

Bleeding Gums Murphy

"Is this the end of Zombie Shakespeare?" * groan *

Cyprress Hill

Cypress Hill (good one): Before we start, we have a lost child here. If she's not claimed within the next hour, she will become the property of Blockbuster Entertainment.


Abe Simpson: And I was wearing an onion on my belt, as that was the style at the time.

Bleeding Gums Murphy (Because I can't think of anything he said.)

How about dead BGM: This is CNN.


"You blouse-wearing poodle-walker!"

Groundskeeper Willie, to Rev. Lovejoy.

Sorry, not following the rules, but this is one of my favorites...

Ralph, in the jaws of a huge, nasty wolf:

"you smell like dead bunnies"


Uter - Vould you like to lick my joy-joy stick?


Jimbo - I don't believe it...now my pants are chafing me.
(who among us can say they have never used that line?)

-Rainer Wolfcastle

RW - De goggles do nothing!

-Ned Flanders

Flanders: "IF cavemen existed, which they dont."


Marge: Well, anyone who beats you up for wearing a shirt isn't your friend.

-Dr. Nick

The kneebone's connected to the...something
the something's connected to the... red thing
the red thing's connected to my... wristwatch..

Dr. Nick Riviera

Gotta show Dr. Nick the love.

Sea Cap'n: She's fine ship, the yarest river goin' boat there be.

glub glub glub

Sea Cap'n: Arr. I don't know what I'm doin'.

(Alt.) Sea Cap'n: I hate the sea and everything in it.

Dr. Nick: sing-song The knee-bone's connected to the...something. The something's connected to my...wrist-watch.

Marge: Homer! You're not even listening to me!
Homer: Sure they will.

Ralph Wiggum: Mrs. Hoover? The worm fell in my mouth so I ate it.

Marge: Ohhh, an earring. Are you a pirate?
Love in the time of Scurvy Fabio: Ummm...kinda.

Comic Book Guy: Okay, here we are, alt dot nerd dot obsessive.

Frink: Yes, we call that the Dennis Miller Ratio.

Homer: To alcohol! The cause of...and solution to...all of life's problems. (Best...quote...ever!)


Hens love Roosters,
Geese love Ganders,
Everyone else loves Ned Flanders!

ok, this is absolutely one of the funniest things i've ever heard on television - from the episode where the school is snowed in, the kids use gym ball bags to tie up Principal Skinner, and Nibbles the Hamster saves the day:

"You did it, Nibbles! Now, chew through my ball sack."

the look on Nibbles' face is even funnier.

Ralph- my cats breath smells like cat food.

Homer: Shut up brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip

But then, I have that weird obsessive thing going on with Q-tips.

My favourite is not from a main character...

The old lady who runs the bed and breakfast Homer and Marge stay at when they're having sex in public is doing a crossword puzzle that is obviously a donkey. As she places the last piece of sky in the corner she says, "Oh, it's a donkey."

Scene makes me laugh so hard I named the weblog after it.

I love Apu.

Homer: I used to rock and roll all night and party every day. Then it was every other day. Now I'm lucky if I can find half an hour a week in which to get funky.

(Someone used the line about meetings always ending with a body being dug up - THAT is my favourite line EVER. I've been tempted to use it at staff meetings.)

Homer - "ok, he can stay. but i get to treat him like garbage."

Otto - "whats the catch?"

Apu: Please do not offer my god a peanut.

How could you not have Charles Burns, or Smithers or Apu. What are you a anti-capitalist homophobic xenophobe?

Wille: Bonjour, you cheese-eatin' surrender-monkeys.

Chief Wiggin

See ya in court, Simpson. Oh, and bring that evidence with ya, otherwise, I got no case and you'll go scot-free.


Homer: "Internet.... that thing still around?"