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Roses Are Red: the 2005 Valentine Poetry Contest

It's time for my third or fourth annual Valentine's Day Poetry Contest (not to be confused with Mig's Limerick Contest). This is totally different. Really. In fact, I'll just copy and paste from 2003:

When I was in fourth grade, the boy who sat next to me received a Valentine's Day card from the girl he was smitten with. This girl was quite the bitch and honed her skills early on in life. The card to Mr. Unrequited Love read:

Roses are red
They grow in this region
If I had your face
I'd join the foreign legion.

She and her friends got quite the giggle out of this. Personally, I thought it was cruel.

Yes, but life goes and all these years later I am not bothered by romantic cruelty at all. Nor am I so virtuous that I would not take the impending "romantic" holiday and turn it into a joke.

So, a contest for you.

Valentine's Day poems. No, not sweet, lovesick poems. They have to be from one famous person to another.

For instance, from Michael Jackson to Corey Feldman. From Courtney Love to Dave Grohl. Ernie to Bert. From Jessica to Nick. From Roast Beef to Molly. Hugh Hewitt to the CEO of Target. You get the idea. I hope.

Must be in the form of Roses are red, etc.

Deadline entry, Sunday 2pm, when I'll put it to a vote. Winner will get some kind of prize.

[update: If your poem doesn't begin with "roses are red" you are automatically disqualified]

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» Roses are, in fact, very often, a shade of red from Nerf-Coated World
Michelle at ASV has a great little contest going on: Valentine's Day poems. No, not sweet, lovesick poems. They have to be from one famous person to another. For instance, from Michael Jackson to Corey Feldman. From Courtney Love to... [Read More]

» Valentine's Day Poetry Contest At ASV from annika's journal
Hey poetry contest lovers, Michele is having a V-Day poetry contest. It must follow the "roses are red..." format, and addressed from one favorite person to another. Sounds like fun. i'm formulating an entry in my head right now. Hmmm.... [Read More]

» The Roses Are Red 2005 Valentine Poetry Contest from Tom McMahon
From ASV. Two of my favorite entries:From Dubya to Jacques:Rose's are red,Some cheese is bleu,We won a war,How about you?And one for you computer geeks:Roses are #FF0000Violets are #0000FFAll my baseare belong to you [Read More]

Comments

From Brad Pitt to Angelina Jolie:

Roses are red
Your lips are, too
I dumped my wife Jen
to drink blood with you.

W to JFK

Roses are Red
They go with violets and lace
I won THIS election
So IN YOUR FACE!

followed by evil snickers....

The Babe to George Steinbrenner:

Rose are red
Violets are blue
The curse is reversed
And now it' on you.

Multiple entries:

Michael Jackson to McCaulay Culkin
---------------------------------------
Roses are red,
They look good in your hands
But unlike me,
they don't come in small cans.

Debbie Gibson to (former teen pop flash-in-the-pan) Tiffany
---------------------------------------
Roses are red
about that let's not quibble.
My career sucks like your's;
now look at my nipples!

Ben Affleck to J-Lo
------------------------------
Roses are red,
I'm glad we're not married.
All of your husbands
want to be dead and buried.

Ariel Sharon to Yasser Arafat
---------------------------------------
Roses are red,
you're death swells my heart.
Now you're gang-raped by demons,
you miserable old fart.

John F. Kerry to any media outlet:

Roses are red,
Sometimes they are pinkish,
but then again they could by yellow,
Or white. Or peach-ish.

Dear Charles, You do impress.
You've chosen Godzilla
Instead of the princess.
Your loving Camilla

Mark McGwire to Jose Canseco:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
You didn't shoot me with steroids
Before I took a poo.

Linda Lovelace to Harry Reems:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
It's been thirty-three years
Since I swallowed your spew.

John Kerry to the state of Ohio:

Roses are Red
But why can't they be blue?
Pennsylvania voted for me
Why couldn't you, too?

Anna Benson to the New York Mets:

Roses are Red
New York's orange and blue
It's just a matter of time
Before I do all of you.

Mickey Kaus to Andrew Sullivan:

Roses are red
Your blog is blue
200 Gs in two years?
I'd quit, too.

Kim Jong Il to Carter and Clinton:

Roses are red
We commies are too
Now I've got nukes
And it's all thanks to you!

Krispy Kreme, Inc. to Michael Moore:

Roses are red
Oysters are shucked
We're about to go bankrupt
It looks like you're fucked.

Mel Gibson to Michael Moore

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Three nominations -
How about you?

DNC to Howard Dean

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Promise to stop screaming
If we pick you?

Meh. I'm sure I'll get my brain moving any minute now...

From the people of Iraq to Markos Moulitsas Zuniga:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
The election was held,
Now screw you, too.

Anna Nicole Smith to anybody who'll pay her attention:

Roses are red,
Like my body?
I love Snoop's brownies -
He's a freaking genius!

Michael Jackson to Corey Feldman, you say?

Roses are Red
Its so nice to see ya'
That pic on the right?
That's gonnorhea.

George W. Bush to Jacques Chirac

Les roses sont rouges
Meet Condoleezza Rice
You people are still stooges
But we're trying to be nice.

Dubya to Jacques:

Rose's are red,
Some cheese is bleu,
We won a war,
How about you?

I'll do a Roast Beef to Molly poem:

roses are red
violets are blue
well really, they're more purple
and now i've hella screwed up the rhyming scheme of this poem
man what the hell

W (and most of the civilized world) to Saddam:

Violets are blue,
Roses are red,
We'll like you much better
Once you are dead.

Saddam's response:

Roses are red,
With thorns like a thistle,
All your Tiger Hands
Can't touch my Pen Missile.

(BTW, anybody who didn't get the Tiger Hand and Pen Missile references really, and I mean really needs to go to www.rockpapersaddam.com like, instantly.)

Warning: put beverages down first.

William Lepeska to Anna Kournikova

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'll swim nude for 200 yards
Just to kiss your tennis shoe

Tom Daschle to South Dakota:

Roses are red.
I like my new hat.
Thanks for the memories.
You want fries with that?

An open letter to Allah:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Haven't seen a great Photoshop
Since you said adieu.

Posted for a shy friend -

Baby Apple to Gwyneth:

Roses are Red
Who names their child Apple?
I'm a baby, you moron,
Not the new flavor of Snapple!

CO Gov. Bill Owens to Ward Churchill:

Roses are red,
and though this rhyme scheme is tired,
Step into my office
Because your ass is fired.

Astros fans to Scott Boras:

Roses are red,
But it takes Green to get paid
You robbed us of Beltran,
So we hope you catch AIDS.

From Ace to Michele:

These roses are red,
And these violets are blue.
My post is haiku.

In support of Name Withheld:

Roses are red,
Fajitas? They sizzle.
No one does teh funnay
Like A-double-lizzle.

Howard Dean to the DNC:

Roses are red.
And roses are yellow!
And they're pink!
And they're white!
And roses are purple!
And lavender!
And they're peach colored!
YEEEEEAAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!!

Let me revise my earlier one slightly. Mickey to Andy:

Roses are red
Your blog is blue.
200 Gs in two years?
I'd quit, too.
[He made how much? -- Ed. That's right!]

From Napoleon Dynamite to Uncle Rico:

Roses are red,
Your mustache is gay,
If I see you again,
I'll throw a nunchuck your way.

Canseco to Raphael Palmeiro

Roses are red,
Secrets are through.
I'm flat busted,
And now so are you.

Bobby to Whitney

Roses are red,
Bruises are blue
Shut yo ass up, beeyotch
Or it's tough-love for you.

W to Kim Jong Il

Roses are red
Commies are too
Quit goin' nu-cu-lar
Or I'll regime-change you.

Schwartzenneger to Califrnia Dem's

Roses aw red,
Ya, zees ees twue.
Don't be a girly man,
Or aw'll terminate you!

Bill O'Reilley to the ACLU

Roses are red,
You always sue.
I'll keep this pithy,
And say "screw you."

Kim Jong Il to GWB

Woses are wed
Viorets are brue
Prease take me serirousry
Or I'll go nuc-u-rar on you!

Princess Di to Camilla

Roses are red
Sugar comes in a cube
I may be dead
But you've got the boob

Brittany Spears to Kevin Federline:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop fucking around
And help me feed Lacy Loo

*Lacy Loo reference explained here

Roses are #FF0000
Violets are #0000FF
All my base
are belong to you

Kevin Federline back to Brittany Spears

Roses are red
and sometimes they're yellow
I started cheating on you
'Cuz your feet stink like hello

  • stink reference explained here.

Malderi wins hands down.

Oh and answer your bloody mail please!

Camilla to Charles:

Roses are Red,
Violets are Blue,
You look like a horse,
But so do I.

(do I get points deducted for not rhyming?)

Malderi is a cheater.

And what mail? What address did you send mail to?

Rightwingsparkle to Jeff Goldstein:

Roses are red
I'm blonde and blue
Some say I'm an airhead
But Jeff, I WUV YOU! [insert obnoxious leering smiley icon]

Bill Ardolino to Bill Ardolino:

Roses are red
Slide shows are cool--
Say, did you see my slide show?
No, really, did you see all 122 of them? Because you really should.

McDonald's to American Heart Association

Roses are red,
Our food's really healthy,
You have to agree because
We'll make you wealthy.

The State of Ohio to John Kerry

Roses are red,
We led you to the brink,
But Dubya is the winner,
'Cause we ain't as dumb as ya think!

ReaderMom...from Ohio

Baseball Fans to Bud Selig

Rose was a great Red,
then he bet on the game.
But your baseball team sucks.
Now who you gonna blame?

The state of Ohio to the state of Michigan

Rose Bowls are red
We prefer Fiestas
We win national titles
You get pistol-whipped by Texas

From Bill to Hill

Roses are red
Violets are blue
It's time that you know
I cheated on you

(To be fair, I heard a guy reading this poem on a commercial for Springer)

Roses are red
My balls are blue
I'm single for Valentines day
Eat me

From Jerry Rivers to Bill O'Reilly

Roses are red,
Michael Jackson is blue,
I say he's not guilty,
pretty much because my career's in the shitter.

A few entries have come to mind...

Ariel Sharon to Mahmoud Abbas

roses are red
and before i retire
we'll strive for peace
or at least this cease-fire

Gary Bettman to the NHLPA

roses are red
and you'd like to play
now suck it up boys
take a cut in your pay

NHLPA to Gary Bettman

roses are red
and black is a puck
we care for ourselves
'cause ya don't give a fuck

Fans to the NHL and NHLPA

roses are red
a season we lack
when you figure it out
we may not come back

RIAA to Music downloaders

roses are red
you know we like green
keep downloadin' music
our lawyers are mean

Roses are red.
Violets are...
Oh, I can't DO THIS!
Love is a lie!
A damn, dirty, filthy lie!
She never loved me!
That stupid skanky bitch!
I'm GLAD I put that snake in her mailbox!
GLAD! Do you hear me!
How do you feel about your fucking goals now, you round heeled tramp?
Ha ha ha ha!
Oops, someone got shived in the shower.
Lockdown, gotta go.

From Mary to Joseph:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm having a kid
And the Dad isn't you.

An observation:

Roses are red
Lileks: a zombie
He eats Michele's brain
with good-natured bonhomie

Sitting Bull to Ward Churchill

Roses are red,
But you are a fraud,
Who's ever heard
of Souix named "Ward?"

Stunned Bravo network audience to "Project Runway" producers:

Roses are red,
Austin is Scarlett -
He LOST to a breeder who's
shaped like a bartlett?!

Roses are red
valentine is crule
i sent you a card
NOW I WANT ONE TOO!

From Napoleon to Pedro

Roses are red,
Ligers are blue... I guess.
Heck yes!
I'll vote for you.