What's Black and Green and Blue All Over?*
Sometimes I think about people for whom life seems effortless. Their kids are basketball stars, on the honor roll and beautiful. Their houses are clean, their bills are paid and their hair is perfect. And they never seem to break a sweat or have a worry. They're never called up to school for an emergency meeting. They're never dismayed at a report card. Their children just seem to float towards perfection without any effort on their part. Their cars hum and their breasts are perky and their lipstick is never smudged. Their Italian shoes are unscuffed and their ties are always straight and they never go bald or get paunchy around the middle. They smile all the time and wear identical outfits in family pictures and take harmonious vacations to tropical islands and the siblings never argue and the pets never piss on the rug and they serve the perfect martinis at their perfect cocktail parties at which one of their excruciatingly polite children will play a concerto on the piano and they never, ever curse or raise their voices or bitch about traffic, because traffic just seems to part for them.
I hate those people.
* don't even try