Back Off The Bowl, Man!
Advice to Women Who Hate Football
I'm sure you can find a hundred articles today detailing how women can enjoy the Super Bowl even though they hate sports. Because, you know, there are no women who like sports. Not at all. We're all running around in our high heels and pearls, acting all silly and dumb and watching Desperate Housewives in between making you some pie and birthing babies.
Oh, look. Here's one. 10 Easy Tips to Enjoy Super Bowl Sunday (Even If You Are a Girl)
6. Toilet Penalties and Seat Fouls. Every time the boys leave the seat up, girls get a 2 minute reprieve from the football talk. Feel free to bring up any non Super Bowl related topic for two whole minutes without being shushed!
Ladies? You know that myth about Super Bowl Sunday being the day when most wives/girlfriends get a domestic beating? It probably stems from all the women who have ever tried something like this. Don't be a statistic, ok?
A few of the other tips on that page boil down to this:
Show your tits, shake that ass, pry his eyes away from the tv with promises of sex that you'll never make good on. And if all else fails, pretend to know something about football.
As one of those women who actually like football, I'll give those of you tempted to follow this misleading advice a few pointers.
First of all, there are few things more annoying than watching a game with someone who feigns an interest. We don't want to answer your incessant questions, especially "what color are we again?" You've had all season to pretend to be interested in football. Super Bowl Sunday is not the time to start asking why the guy with the whistle is waving his arms like that.
Second and most important piece of advice: Why don't you just leave the game watchers alone instead trying to ingrain yourself into their world? Can you imagine the uproar if a bunch of men walked in on your scrapbooking party and started wagging their dicks and pretending to care about your creative borders and special scissors? Someone would end up with the nickname Bobbit, that's what would happen. So why do you feel it's ok to barge in on the biggest day of the year for your football fanatic boyfriends and husbands? Are you that insecure in your relationship that you can't just let him be for a few hours?
It's obvious when you're faking it, I just want you to know that. I've been at many Super Bowl parties where women have been hostile towards me because I was allowed in the inner sanctum of the couch in front of the tv, rather than being relegated to the back of the room or the kitchen. Why was I let in? Because I really have an interest in, and knowledge of, the game. Some of the other ladies would get jealous and try to wedge themselves between me and their husband, thinking that my intense interest in the NFL was somehow going to make her spouse stick his tongue down my throat any second. Nothing could be farther from the truth, ladies. I could sit there stark naked with a vibrating dildo in my hand and your husband wouldn't even notice. The only things on his mind are wings, beer and the end zone. That end zone. Not mine. Or yours.
Just let it go, girls. If you hate football, give the day over to your husbands and boyfriends and, yes, their female friends who enjoy the game. Don't spend hours trying to figure out a way to insert yourself into the picture; it will only cause resentment later. Go find all the people you know who don't care about football and start your own party. Get sloppy drunk and sing hair metal karaoke. Strip down to your underwear and play Twister. Or watch a Women in Peril marathon on Lifetime. . Whatever floats your boat, ladies. I just know there are guys out there who hate football, too, and I'm sure they'd be happy to join you rather than trying to spend another winter Sunday trying to play the part of interested participant.
Super Bowl Sunday is not Take Back Your Man Day. It's not an opportunity to discuss toilet bowl etiquette or ask what those white lines all over the field are.
Back off the Bowl, man. That's all.