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Back Off The Bowl, Man!
Advice to Women Who Hate Football

I'm sure you can find a hundred articles today detailing how women can enjoy the Super Bowl even though they hate sports. Because, you know, there are no women who like sports. Not at all. We're all running around in our high heels and pearls, acting all silly and dumb and watching Desperate Housewives in between making you some pie and birthing babies.

Oh, look. Here's one. 10 Easy Tips to Enjoy Super Bowl Sunday (Even If You Are a Girl)
My favorite:

6. Toilet Penalties and Seat Fouls. Every time the boys leave the seat up, girls get a 2 minute reprieve from the football talk. Feel free to bring up any non Super Bowl related topic for two whole minutes without being shushed!

Ladies? You know that myth about Super Bowl Sunday being the day when most wives/girlfriends get a domestic beating? It probably stems from all the women who have ever tried something like this. Don't be a statistic, ok?

A few of the other tips on that page boil down to this:

Show your tits, shake that ass, pry his eyes away from the tv with promises of sex that you'll never make good on. And if all else fails, pretend to know something about football.

As one of those women who actually like football, I'll give those of you tempted to follow this misleading advice a few pointers.

First of all, there are few things more annoying than watching a game with someone who feigns an interest. We don't want to answer your incessant questions, especially "what color are we again?" You've had all season to pretend to be interested in football. Super Bowl Sunday is not the time to start asking why the guy with the whistle is waving his arms like that.

Second and most important piece of advice: Why don't you just leave the game watchers alone instead trying to ingrain yourself into their world? Can you imagine the uproar if a bunch of men walked in on your scrapbooking party and started wagging their dicks and pretending to care about your creative borders and special scissors? Someone would end up with the nickname Bobbit, that's what would happen. So why do you feel it's ok to barge in on the biggest day of the year for your football fanatic boyfriends and husbands? Are you that insecure in your relationship that you can't just let him be for a few hours?

It's obvious when you're faking it, I just want you to know that. I've been at many Super Bowl parties where women have been hostile towards me because I was allowed in the inner sanctum of the couch in front of the tv, rather than being relegated to the back of the room or the kitchen. Why was I let in? Because I really have an interest in, and knowledge of, the game. Some of the other ladies would get jealous and try to wedge themselves between me and their husband, thinking that my intense interest in the NFL was somehow going to make her spouse stick his tongue down my throat any second. Nothing could be farther from the truth, ladies. I could sit there stark naked with a vibrating dildo in my hand and your husband wouldn't even notice. The only things on his mind are wings, beer and the end zone. That end zone. Not mine. Or yours.

Just let it go, girls. If you hate football, give the day over to your husbands and boyfriends and, yes, their female friends who enjoy the game. Don't spend hours trying to figure out a way to insert yourself into the picture; it will only cause resentment later. Go find all the people you know who don't care about football and start your own party. Get sloppy drunk and sing hair metal karaoke. Strip down to your underwear and play Twister. Or watch a Women in Peril marathon on Lifetime. . Whatever floats your boat, ladies. I just know there are guys out there who hate football, too, and I'm sure they'd be happy to join you rather than trying to spend another winter Sunday trying to play the part of interested participant.

Super Bowl Sunday is not Take Back Your Man Day. It's not an opportunity to discuss toilet bowl etiquette or ask what those white lines all over the field are.

Back off the Bowl, man. That's all.

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Advice to Women Who Hate Football
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» Advice for the Ladies on Superbowl Sunday from poliart.blog-city.com
Michelle over at A Small Victory has some stellar advice for your ladies out there who are not football fans, but are married or committed to guys like me who would rather watch the game than engage in carnal knowledge with Pamela Anderson. My fav [Read More]

» Advice for the Ladies on Superbowl Sunday from Chicago Report
Michelle over at A Small Victory has some stellar advice for your ladies out there who are not football fans, but are married or committed to guys like me who would rather watch the game than engage in carnal knowledge... [Read More]

» Some Super Bowl day humor from Maladjusted - Fair and Balanced
Michele from A Small Victory has a great post taking to hand people who want to give advice to women on Super Bowl Sunday. Back Off The Bowl, Man!Advice to Women Who Hate Football' Just let it go, girls. If you hate football, give the day over t... [Read More]

» Superbowl Sunday from Secure Liberty
Well it's finally upon us. Here in Massachusetts it's been non stop Superbowl mania for two weeks. This morning at Mass I counted over 16 kids with Tom Brady jerseys, just within my eyesight. No kids had a jersey from any other player, and only one ... [Read More]

» Good Advice from Brain Fertilizer
...of course, I'm a full day late in spreading the advice. At least I'm not a dollar short. Excerpt: So why do you feel it's ok to barge in on the biggest day of the year for your football fanatic... [Read More]

Comments

Ooo, so does your remark about finding guys who don't like football mean that you are endorsing Superbowl-related adultery?

Thought not.

I remember when I was young and stupid and trying to impress my boyfriend and I actually threw a Superbowl party even though I had no interest whatsoever.

I'm older now, don't live in the US, and don't have a sports fiend hubby, but if I did -- I'd be having me an expensive day of spa treatments.

Or maybe I would have to watch in order to see if Sir Paul pulls his pants down.

I'm so glad I married a football fan. Hell, this is the woman who dragged me out to the Oregon/Oregon State game a couple of years ago (Joey Harrington's senior year), and made me watch the game in a freaking deluge.

My favorite was the "Ok, I'll leave you guys alone to enjoy the game." followed by the every-20-minutes phonecall, "Is it over yet?"

While I agree with the gist of your comments.....I have to say that if you were sitting there naked with a vibrator I would give you some of my attention..at least during halftime and the boring commercials.

If males use the toilet, there are three possibilities:
(1) They lift the seat and put it back afterwards.
(2) They lift the seat and leave it up.
(3) They don't lift the seat.

Why are the women who rant so sure that they'll get (1) and not (3)?

Note, men are able to deal with (2) when they need the seat....

Note, men are able to handle (2).

The "10 Easy Tips" piece was disgustingly sexist . . . far more sexist than the old-fashioned solution of removing yourself to the kitchen during the game if you're not into it.

And somehow I missed this on my first read of it:

Thank goodness we’ve got Bono this year as our halftime hunny!

GACK. The author bio is a gem, too:

She is on a self propelled mission to scream, skip, run, jump, shout, dance and sing with women all around the universe who want live a vivacious life busting at the seams!

I just know this woman scrapbooks.

As a guy who could care less about football, I find the idea of a day spent partying with slightly-frustrated football widows while their husbands yell at the refs and get plastered on cheap American beer to be... full of potential.

Moo hoo ha ha.

Perfect, Michele.

My wife likes to needle me by saying she's rooting for the team with the "prettiest costumes."

Like Diane's method on "Cheers" for making her pool picks?

I'm with Allison. Damn straight. It's pedicure time. Mmmmm....pedicure. That is, if I have any luck getting my boyfriend to actually watch the game. He has a hard time justifying doing that when he never watches a regular season game in the first place. Which is what happens when you're a snowboarding fiend in Colorado.

I love the assumptions that:

1) if your husband or boyfriend goes to a Super Bowl party, you're obligated to go with him, even if you have no interest in it (probably for fear that Michele will be there on the couch, naked, with a vibrator in her hand); and

2) if you're a non-football person, that you have any business hosting a Super Bowl party in the first place. For crying out loud: curl up with a good book.

I'm probably as indifferent to football as they come, but I don't see any reason to ruin someone else's fun.

Huh, the toilet seat thing again. I seriously doubt the wisdom of letting women fly planes when they can't figure out how to work a toilet seat. In fact, maybe voting's too complicated for them.

When has a man, ever, complained loudly that "She left the damn seat down again!" Sure, guys are mechanically inclined and, left alone for few minutes, can figure out how to operate a toilet seat. On the other hand, Andrea Harris, who is as far as I know a woman, has mentioned on her blog getting furniture from IKEA and assembling it herself.

So Michele, you'd do your sex a big favor if you could convince them to shut up about toilet seats. It makes them look stupid and petty.

Good lord, I don't watch pro-football and therefore pretty indifferent to the Superbowl, but that 10 points had to be parody, right? right?

And a Superbowl Party is just NOT the place to discuss toilet ettiquette, no matter how much it may peeve one with the lid on the device is ignored..(I wouldn't embarrass a guest if they left the lid off the mayo when they put it back in the frig, either)

On a related note, after raising 4 girls we are now going through the early stages of potty training the twins..and I gotta admit a certain amount of hilarity at watching the boys at the bowl, on tiptoe in order to lift those packages over the edge. Though at this stage they are much more interested in flushing than anything else (and hate putting down the lid because it signals an end to watching the swirling water).

Amusingly, the last super bowl party I was at, we men all swarmed out of the room to play foos-ball in the den once the half-time show started, and all the women swooped on to the couches to watch the half-time show. Imagine our confusion upon hearing shouts from the living room about Janet Jackson's boob.

Janet Jackson's boob? Do you mean that Justin guy... no, wait, I don't think they were dating.

The person I felt sorriest for about that whole episode was Britney. I mean, she'd finally managed to sieze the limelight again, and immediately got knocked out, not by Jacko this time but by his punk ass sister! And her own former boyfriend! I figured she'd have to fellate a dog on prime time to get back into the news and was half fearful, half apprehensive to see what she'd do.

Whatever it was, it must have happened while the satellite link was down or we were otherwise busy, because I missed it.

Thank you - that was brilliant! I'm another woman who loves football; while I've never really had to deal with the wives who are concerned that I'll steal their husbands (my friends are too cool for that), I'm always filled with guilt that I'm hanging with the guys, drinking beer, while the rest of the womenfolk are in the kitchen making food. Not enough guilt to make me leave the game to go and help, mind you. But guilt nonetheless. :-)

if hockey ever starts up again can you write a piece instructing the 'arm fluff' to stay at home then, too?

Oh for crying out loud, would you whiney broads just shut-the-f-up and put the got-damn seat down. And swirl that toilet brush around while you're there -- I might have left some buffalo wing tracks in there or something.

Julie Hunt is the archetype of the insecure GF.

So they have this Superbowl thing every year, huh? I've gone to plenty of football watching events. I've never had trouble finding something to do or someone to talk to while games are on. If I get too bored, I just find a couch, aim my eyes at the TV and go to sleep. That seems to be a pretty common thing to do at football watching events.

Bolie IV

True story:

My late wife and I were discussing where to go on our honeymoon some 30 years ago. She decided. We wound up in Dallas to watch the Cowboys beat the Eagles. How luck was I?

I can't believe there are actually four people named "Bolie".

Sorry, I know that was off-topic. Still...

What do you mean four? You haven't met Bolie's twin sons, Bolie Va and Vb?

AMEN! As a football fanatic, I completely understand. In fact, this last Sunday I was "allowed" on the couch when the host's wife was in the kitchen. It was awesome! That was a great entry! Keep up the good work!

Mrs. JM likes to yell "home run" when a touchdown is scored.