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Kill Phil, Volume I - Groundhog Poetry time

That's groundhog talk. For those of you who out there who don't speak groundhog, here's a handy translator so you can say cute things to Phil or whatever the hell the groundhog is named in your area and have him actually understand you. For instance, if you want to say "That's not a shadow, that's my boot about to kick you upside the head. Is there a taxidermist in the house?" you would say this instead:

ghd12.jpgSqueak'hehaa ooat hehaa hehaa, squeak'hehaa sheeah ooat ehteht chirp ooat hehaa chirp chitter chitter. Urp....groundhog squeak urp ooat

Conversely, when Phil comes out of the ground and says:

Ehteht chirp sheeah. Chitter squeak chirp chitter ehteht urp ooat urp. Hehaa chitter, hehaa sheeah. Ooat ooat chitter urp. Chirp, chitter urp chitter sheeah, chitter urp, grunt! Ehteht sheeah grunt chitter?

The translator tells you that he's saying:

God damn it. Every freaking year you have to do this?What are all you people doing out here this early in the morning in the middle of freaking winter? Are you idiots? Hey, you with the camera - bite me. Take one more picture an I'll go all Sean Penn on you. Now move out the way, people. Punxsutawney Phil is feeling lucky today! Where my bitches at? Morons, your bus is leaving!

Anyhow. I've composed a haiku in tribute to Phil on his special day.

Look! It's Phil's shadow!
How will I ever warm up?
Mmmm....mmmm....groundhog stew!

Feel free. Haiku, limerick, poetry, whatever. We could come out with a whole line of "Kill Phil" greeting cards. Or just make fun of the people who stand outside at 5am in a wind chill of ten below to see some mangy woodland creature be an unwitting participant in an old wive's tale.


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» No respect from the rodents from dustbury.com
Ain't no sunshine for seven days, and now there's this: Punxsutawney Phil's handlers said the groundhog has seen his shadow — which legend has it signals six more weeks of... [Read More]


If a large squirrel
Can tell what weather we'll have
Why can't the #@%!* news?

I kill a rodent
My tires grind it into sludge
It makes no shadow

According to news reports, we're in for more winter.

Where does one get a second opinion?

If he sees his shadow, it's six more weeks of winter. If he doesn't see it, it's a month and a half.

Cloudy: Spring in March.
Shadow: Six more Winter weeks.
Milage may vary.

"Morons, your bus is leaving!"

Hey, that reminds me! I have to find my Groundhog Day DVD and watch it today. (Though, I'm 90% certain it's in the DVD player from the last time I watched it a week ago... I love that movie.)

comment from hosts of local radio show this morning.. "if anyone complains about ANYTHING today, they have the right to get the flat-hand slap to the face. We are the only country in the world where 17k people will turn out in wintry weather to watch a rodent get held up to public scrutiny.."

A sleepy rodent
Predicts six more winter weeks
Phil sleeps with fishes

I used to live about 40 minutes south of Punxatawny (or Punxy, as locals call it). It is a pitifully small town that looks nothing like the movie - a town that only has fame because of a stupid rodent who "sees" his shadow.

What, me cynical?