Kill Phil, Volume I - Groundhog Poetry time
That's groundhog talk. For those of you who out there who don't speak groundhog, here's a handy translator so you can say cute things to Phil or whatever the hell the groundhog is named in your area and have him actually understand you. For instance, if you want to say "That's not a shadow, that's my boot about to kick you upside the head. Is there a taxidermist in the house?" you would say this instead:
Squeak'hehaa ooat hehaa hehaa, squeak'hehaa sheeah ooat ehteht chirp ooat hehaa chirp chitter chitter. Urp....groundhog squeak urp ooat
Conversely, when Phil comes out of the ground and says:
Ehteht chirp sheeah. Chitter squeak chirp chitter ehteht urp ooat urp. Hehaa chitter, hehaa sheeah. Ooat ooat chitter urp. Chirp, chitter urp chitter sheeah, chitter urp, grunt! Ehteht sheeah grunt chitter?
The translator tells you that he's saying:
God damn it. Every freaking year you have to do this?What are all you people doing out here this early in the morning in the middle of freaking winter? Are you idiots? Hey, you with the camera - bite me. Take one more picture an I'll go all Sean Penn on you. Now move out the way, people. Punxsutawney Phil is feeling lucky today! Where my bitches at? Morons, your bus is leaving!
Anyhow. I've composed a haiku in tribute to Phil on his special day.
Look! It's Phil's shadow!
How will I ever warm up?
Feel free. Haiku, limerick, poetry, whatever. We could come out with a whole line of "Kill Phil" greeting cards. Or just make fun of the people who stand outside at 5am in a wind chill of ten below to see some mangy woodland creature be an unwitting participant in an old wive's tale.