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punting

One sick kid + one bout of insomnia + one bad back = Monday.

I imagine the blogging will be light today. So I'll just leave you with the contents of an email from my mother.

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!".

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that; you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ...(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did????

You know what to do.

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» Michele posts one for my Dad from scrawlville.com
A whole list of pun jokes. Just for you. Lighten your day up a little. 3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that; you... [Read More]

» One Liner Marathon from poliart.blog-city.com
A Small Victory tossed up ten one liners that are worth a gander. Number nine is the best!1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passe [Read More]

Comments

Man walks into a bar, sees George Bush and Colin Powell at a table, chatting and drinking. A big fan, he shyly approaches them, and is immediately asked to join them.

He asks what they're discussing and Dubya says, "Well, next month we're going to invade the Middle East, kill 40 million muslims and one beautiful blonde woman."

The man exclaims, "Why are you going to kill one beautiful blonde woman?"

Dubya turns to Powell and says, "See? I told you no one gives a crap about 40 million muslims!"

hahah
man
ok the gandhi one got me

Fyi
why did michael jackson go running to K-mart

the sign in the window said
boys pants half off

Did you hear about the midget spritualist who robbed a bank? Police are reporting a small medium at large.

A mystic who lived on the top of a mountain in the kingdom of Tridia knew the secret of happiness. Once a year, during the Festive Festival, a few Trids would climb to the peak, and the mystic would choose one of them to receive said happiness, in the form of a swift kick to the buttocks. One year, Jacob, a rabbi from a nearby community was visiting the Trids during the Festive Festival, and wanted to participate in the annual tradition. So he made the laborious trek to the summit along with the other candidates for happiness. When they finally reached the peak, the mystic shook his head and said Jacob would have to leave. When Jacob asked why, the mystic replied, "Silly rabbi - kicks are for Trids!"

(duck, run)

I am horrified.

And loving it.

My grandfather would have LOVED them all! He was a corny man!

Sekimori -

That's not a pun.

A piece of string walks into a bar. Upon noticing him, the bartender yells, "Hey, we don't serve string in here! Get out!". Disheartened, the piece of string tries another bar, with the same results. Finally, he has an idea. He loops himself over and through, and untwists his ends. Then he walks into another bar.

Sure enough, the bartender says, "We don't serve string in here."

The piece of string says, "I'm not a piece of string."

"You're not?" says the bartender.

"Nope. I'm a freyed knot."

---------

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One of them was a salted.

(For some reason it's funnier if you say it with a yiddish accent.)

I don't give a crap. I pun for no man.

Made me laugh and today, that's all that matters.

Mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender yells, "Hey you, get out of here...we don't serve your kind!" The mushroom looks completely abashed: "Why not? I'm a fun guy."

I don't understand people who waste valuable blog space on lame jokes.

I don't understand people who waste valuable blog space on lame jokes.

Said this man.

I learned from the king.

There were two zoos and as luck would have it they were right across the road from one another. The zookeepers were always in competition for Sister Mary Francis' first grade class.

The first zookeeper imported a big and fierce lion from darkest Africa. Sister's class was delighted to go see the lion shake it's mane and roar and roar.

Not to be outdone, the second zookeeper imported a couple of bengal tigers from India. And the first graders were now entranced by the orange and black cats slow and graceful movements.

This went on, year after year, the lion became old and staid, the tigers didn't do much but lay around all day.

Then the first zookeeper built a big pool and brought in a porpoise show. At first Sister and her class were delighted with the clever antics of the acrobatic porpoises...until...they began to become...errr...a bit friendly with one another...becoming downright immoral...right there in the tank. The zookeeper dashed off to the vet to find out what to do to stop this. Just then...the lion escaped, so Sister and her class were trapped in the porpoise show, forced to observe the debauchery.

The vet tells the keeper that the only thing to calm down the porpoises would be a dead gull. So the keeper gets one and rushes back to the show only to find the old lion laying across the entrance. Hearing the chitters of delight from the porpoises and the cries of horror from Sister, he gently, carefully steps over the lion and is immediately arrested.

Crossing a staid lion with a gull for immoral porpoises.

How can you tell he's a king?

How can you tell he's a king?

Because he's a royal pain in the ass?

Cool, I had these up days before you! I stole them from www.youcancallmeal.com .

How can you tell he's a king?

Because he's a royal pain in the ass?

Erm, I'm pretty sure it's because he's got s*** all over him...

No, wait. Hasn't got s*** all over him...

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "Why the long face?"

I don't have a pun handy, but I do have this:

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Interrupting cow."
"Interrupting cow w ... "
"MOO!"

BWAHAHAHAHA

That one always cracks me up.

My kids have infinite variations on that one...

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting tree.
Interrupting tree w...
CRASH

Ha.

"punting"?? No, pun-ish-ment!

Ever heard of the wooden car with wooden wheels and a wooden engine?

It wooden run.

Bwahahahahaahah! OK that wasn't that good.

My dad's favorite pun:

A termite walks into a drinking establishment and yells: Hey! Where's the bartender?

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other "How in the heck do you drive this thing?"

A man walks into a bar and says "Ouch!"

Back before my husband and I started dating we worked together. He was a pretty serious guy and I was always trying to get him to lighten up by sending him jokes. I could not find a joke that made him laugh... he was tough. Then one day I sent him the following:

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick.

Out of the many great jokes that I had sent him, that was the one that cracked him up.

Once upon a time there was a tiny village, with a kind and good, if not terribly wise, king. His subjects, trying to show him how much they appreciated him, spent years in secret, finally presenting him with a throne of solid gold on the 20th year of his reign. So delighted was he, he immeadiatly placed the throne in his hut and began using it daily.

Now, this village lay in a valley, and it just so happened that in the 21st year of the good king's reign, rain was the order of the day. It rained so much that the valley began to flood. Desperate to protect his throne, he and the villagers quickly constructed a wooden platform over his hut and hoisted the throne up onto it. Then they fled to the surrounding hills to wait out the storm.

The storms raged for two weeks, and for two weeks the king fretted and worried about the throne. Finally, the clouds cleared, the sun rose, and the waters dried up. The king rushed back to his village, and there, on the platorm above his hut, was the throne. He began to dance and sign in his hut, celebrating the luck of it, when the platform collapsed, dropping the throne on his head and killing him.

The moral?

People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

One ovary was talking to the other and says 'hey, did you order a keyboard?,to which the other replies "No, why d'ya ask?" - the one other says "that's funny, 'cause there's two nuts outside trying to push in an organ!"

Thangyou. I'll be here all week.

This isn't a pun, but I got it from Reader's Digest, so that's an automatic corny rating:

A crab & a lobster are secretly dating. Pretty soon, the lobster tires of the lying and tells her father, who forbids her to see the crab.
"It'll never work," he says to her. "Crabs walk sideways and we walk straight!"
"Please," she begs. "Just meet him once. I know you'll like him."
Her father finally agrees, and she runs off to share the good news. The crab is so excited he decides to surprise his beloved's family. He practices and practices until he can finally walk straight.
On the big day, he walks the entire way to the lobster's house as straight as he can. Standing on the porch, the lobster dad yells to his daughter, "I knew it. Here comes that crab and he's drunk!"

did you hear about the constipated mathematician? he worked it out with a pencil.

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied,
"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a
beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the
ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The
second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably
wouldn't have fit."

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said
he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an
enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his
mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The
engineer said, "I like both." "Both?", the architect and artist
chorused. "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each
assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go and
get some work done."

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

. Mechanical Engineers build weapons,
. Civil Engineers build targets.

lastly there are the similarities between drugs and software which i've linked to rather than retype.

Many thanks for the many chuckles today.

Can you sing tenor?
Ten or twenty miles from here?!
(corny jokes were my grandpa's specialty!)

Grasshopper walks into a bar. Bartender says, "hey did you know there's a drink named after you?" Grasshopper say, "Really, you have a drink called Ralph?"

Two birds were on a perch. One says to the other, "Say, do you smell fish?"

If you leave a horse tied in one place too long, sometimes birds will actually try to build a nest in its mane. Once they start, it's almost impossible to get them to give up. The only thing that'll stop them is to sprinkle a bit of yeast into the horse's mane. Moral: yeast is yeast, and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.

longer version: go to here and click on "denis norden my word"

also click on "ISIRTA Eurovision pun contest".

Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal.
Skillfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes him-
self a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops
it off with some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done
with consummate ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master.

Poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks
in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and
eventually himself.

Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the
FORKS, Luke."