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the /impending violence diary, day 13

I was going to get around to those other questions today. And I had a couple of other things on the fire as well.

However, I am in the foulest of foul moods. Ever have one of those days where you take every thing said to you as insult, or where you're just waiting for someone to cut you off or look at you wrong so you have an excuse to whip out your Swiss army knife and twist the corkscrew into their eyes?

I want a cigarette so bad my hands are shaking and the only thing I want to do with my hands right now, if not grab a cigarette, is wrap them around the throat of the closest avialable asshole. And seeing as this guy is 3,000 miles away, I'll have to find another idiot to choke. Or just stay at my desk until this mood passes over.

If I was an asshole to you today - and chances are good that if you emailed me or left a comment I was - I apologize. I really thought the cravings would be gone by now, but today's jonesing is the worst it's been in the nearly two weeks since I quit. And I'm taking it out on anyone who steps into my space today.

So this would be a good time to leave work, go home, put on some comfortable clothes, curl up on the couch and make love to the remote for several hours. By make love, I mean push its buttons. Whatever. Computer is off until Idol time. Because I can't be trusted at the keyboard right now.

I certainly can't be trusted at 7-11. So I'll be going straight home instead of stopping off to get a comforting 24 oz. hot chocolate/blueberry coffee combo. Which will make me sad. It's a vicious cycle. My lungs better be really fucking thankful for this.

Comments

"24 oz. hot chocolate/blueberry coffee combo"

That's just wrong. You may as well stop and get yourself an Ameretto and scotch.

Al, every 28 days or so, I need one of those.

....soooo, it's cravings plus hormones??

Take whatever you need.

I've been wrestling with commenting because I don't want to send you back to smoking, but I've kicked it and I figure I'll tell you what worked, but if it sends you back to smoking....well sorry.

I was a smoker for 15 years. I was a great smoker, a fabulous smoker. I'd explain, but if you're as addicted as it sounds you are, you understand and further discussion will only tempt you.

I'm gonna be blunt. I haven't smoked in 13 years, and even now, just every now and then, I still get powerful cravings. So those are not going to go away...its time to just deal with it. You're in a mind over matter game now, with your life as the prize. If that doesn't mean enough to you, consider what it must mean to DJ.

Now, here is what worked:

I decided that I was not a smoker. Its really as easy as that. The urges don't disappear, the loss of ritual doesn't disappear, the loss of smoker association doesn't disapper, so you've got to find a way to deal with it.

The only way I found was to know in my heart that I wasn't a smoker. Only then could I not rationalize the urge to have just one to get me through. It was only after I said I wasn't a smoker that I stopped putting myself in the "smoke trail" of a person walking down the street smoking. Once I wasn't a smoker, there was never any good idea to put myself back in the hands of a killer.

Sorry its not easier than this, but once you focus on what you want to become instead of the pain you're currently feeling you will have beat the beast.

I wish you the best

I was gearing up to say about what Pursuit said. You're past the physical. You are no longer addicted to nicotine. Now you just WANT TO SMOKE. And you have to find a way to deal with that.

May I suggest driving into the city and randomly punching NYU students? Odds are good...7 out of 10 times you'll hit either a Rall or a Moore fan. :)

I became addicted to nicotine before I started smoking.

[waits for disbeliving laughter to stop.]

I was the program director in a radio station with a staff of 83, 82 of whom smoked. Six months after I started spending six hours a day in the station, I was hooked and didn't know it. My roommate finally turned me on to the reason for my crankiness when I was away from the station; I started smoking and became more reasonable.

It took me, IIRC, about 18 years to quit.

That was about twenty years ago. I still get cravings, although only once in a great while, mostly from a good pipe of cherry blend walking by.

You're welcome to beat on me, Michele; having gotten this far, there's no good reason for you to start again. You know what it's going to be like to have to quit again.

If you ever need a target to vent your frustrations, feel free to use me.

No really. Yes, I am ugly, and I still dress the funny way my mom showed me.

No, I am not making this up. Yes, I am that strange.

And if you don't beleive me, ask my much-better-half.

See? ANd that's what I have to say about me! Imagine if you really wanted to razz me what you would say.

So in support of your quest, you are hereby allowed to unload on me and damn time you want.

C:

Yup, the lungs are worth it... As I told you before, I smoked for over 20 years and have been quit for about 5 years -- and there is a hell of a difference now. A good difference, and Pursuit is right -- you have to realize that you aren't a smoker any more and you have to live that. Now, smokers stink. Smokers are weak self-centered individuals hooked on self-gratification who don't have the backbone to stop their destructive behavior. So, you have to decide who's going to run you life. It's that damn simple. And, I wish you all my best. If I did it I kow damn well that you can.

no no NO! Forget Charlie in Pa.

Abuse ME dammit...ME!

ahem.

Pursuit tells the ugly truth. It isn't just the addiction itself that is so comforting, it's all the little rituals and movements that go with it. The comfort zone is composed of many small things which we don't even notice until we leave.

Yes, rehabbing (even on your own) sucks, but the alternative is worse. Just like life to throw a paradox like that in, huh?

Don't do it for your kids. That won't work. You have to want to do it, and you have to want it bad.

Ten to one. Those are the odds. You have a ten percent chance of success. I know a tough competitor like you will jump on a challenge like that. The counselors told our group that two of us would make it. I looked around for the other one. I still don't know who it was. Is it you?

Now now, Wind Rider, I was first. But then since I was first, that makes me unworthy to be abused, so she should abuse you first.

Perhaps she can insult me afterwards, if she feels up to it.

Hang in there. In kicking any habit, the third week is the toughest, it's also known as "quitter's week". I say this from the perspective of someone who tried 3 times to quit smoking before it took. Each time you make a serious attempt, you learn something, and prepare for the next, better attempt.

I've been breathing free since January, 1978.

You can do it.

If you abuse me, I'll kick your teeth in. Well, in a literal sense anyway; you know, by calling you names and such.

It's not like a cigarette would kill you...well, not right away, at least.

"Smokers are weak self-centered individuals" -- I think I have something for you on my weblog, John!