Prepare for Death!
As a weather/storm junkie, the first thing I did today was bring up the forecast. I clicked the scrolling blizzard warning and got this piece of alarming information:
TOTAL SNOW ACCUMULATIONS WILL BE 14 TO 21 INCHES BY SUNDAY EVENING. THOSE VENTURING OUTDOORS MAY BECOME LOST OR DISORIENTED... SO PEOPLE IN THE WARNING AREA SHOULD STAY INDOORS.
ANY TRAVEL IS STRONGLY DISCOURAGED. IF YOU LEAVE THE SAFETY OF BEING INDOORS... YOU ARE PUTTING YOUR LIFE AT RISK.THIS IS A LIFE-THREATENING WINTER WEATHER SITUATION! PREPARATIONS TO PROTECT LIFE AND PROPERTY SHOULD COMPLETED BY NOON TODAY!
You know why they put that alarmist, over-the-top warning there? Because there are people who do not heed safety advice. They think they are invincible. They think they can handle anything. So nothing matters to them - not icy roads, blinding snow, thick fog - nothing.
I'm a precautionary person. I like to be prepared for any inevitability. I also like to make sure I don't put myself in situations where I could be in harm's way. This is why I have closets filled with non perishable canned food. It's why I keep a box of albums by my door and a baseball bat by my bed. Armageddon, zombies, maruading band of gang bangers - I'm ready for anything. And those people who scoff at warnings and omens will be knocking on my door looking for food and shelter when the bad things happen. And I will laugh. I've only got enough Spaghettio's for my family, bud. You're on your own. Why don't you try eating Johnny over there? He died because he ignored the warnings!
So my neighbors and a few of my relatives will insist on going outside when the local news people have clearly stated that you will lose all sense of direction if you go out in this storm. But no, they need to go to the store or keep an appointment or just prove that they have large, steel balls and 18 inches of blinding, freezing, wind blown snow isn't going to turn them into pussies! And they'll end up like Guy Pearce in Ravenous, or like this idiotic couple, while I'm enjoying the view from the window of my toasty warm house.
I guarantee you that tomorrow's Newsday will bring tales of stranded motorists (the woman who just had to go to Michael's craft store or the group of friend who just had to have McDonald's), massive car pile ups and people complaining that their streets weren't plowed fast enough. Where were you going to go in sixteen inches of snow, anyhow, buddy? Just sit the fuck down, turn on the tv and grab yourself a beer (I'm looking at you, Lew*). Don't give the emergency services people any more work than they'll already have just because you have a desire to be a Darwin award candidate.
Now, I'm going to secure my property and the lives of my family members. Plenty of books, movies and board games to go around. Lots of junk food to feast on. And we all have our own gaming systems so we can disperse to our separate rooms when we eventually get on each other's nerves. And that is why my emergency preparation box includes a couple of bottles of wine and a huge container of Excedrin Migraine.
I'm going to spend the rest of the day being one of those freaks who calls in reports to the local news station. The rest of you in the path of the storm? Stay home so I don't have to read about you in the paper tomorrow.
[And you warm weather people want to point and laugh at us, here's a bunch of webcams where you can watch Mother Nature take a dump on us]
*My brother in law