the diary, day two
A new daily occurrence which is here for my sake and which you may ignore.
I passed the coffee test, I passed the beer test and I passed the "just ate a heavy meal" test. I managed to not smoke after all of them.
The first day (more like a day and a half, official quitting time was 2pm on Thursday) was easier than it has been in the past. I have a feeling, however, that today will be a real will-tester.
I woke up with that tingly, buzzing feeling; my body telling me it's craving something that I've deprived it of. My brain has rallied the troops and they're holding a huge protest - every nerve ending from my scalp to my mouth to the tips of my fingers is standing up, screaming, chanting and demanding another shot of nicotine.
The brain is a funny thing. While it knows damn well that I'm not going to light a cigarette, it still tells my body to behave as if it's anticipating I will do just that. So my brain is undermining my will power. It's just a matter of showing them all who's boss.
I want to thank everyone for their advice a few posts down, but you should know that there is no medical device in the world - patch, gum, pills, shock therapy, etc., that's going to help me through this. It's something I have to do cold turkey, on my own, or not at all. It's the way I've done it with every substance - legal or not - that I needed to detox myself from.
Weaning myself won't work because I don't have the will power necessary to do that. I have a tendency to be weak and having cigarettes around will just make me smoke at my usual pace.
Substituting doesn't work, either. Keep in mind that I have a lot of obsessive-compulsive tendencies, as well as an addicctive nature. So trying to replace one addiction/obsession with another is just feeding the part of my brain that I'm trying to gain control over. Besides, last time I quit smoking I started eating Sprees and gained 75 sugar pounds in about 45 minutes.
My smoking addiction was more than just a nicotine habit; it has to do with keeping both the hands and mouth busy (insert innuendo jokes here). So on that end, I'll just write more, have lengthier video game sessions and, as evidenced last night, go on house cleaning rampages. The oral fixation is easy - I just amped up my other oral addiction - ice chewing. Twice the ice! is my new motto.
So, to wrap up the first 36 hours or so: cranky, short tempered and my family hates me, but the house is clean, I've made it through another level of Kingdom Hearts, I saved five dollars and I'll never be in any danger of dehydration. Hey, you gotta take the silver linings where you find them.
Now, to face the rest of Day 2.
Comments
Congrats on the first 36 hours. That's a good thing. Keep going, you can do it. My only cure for not smoking is to sleep through the cravings but family tends to get mad when you spend a week or two in bed.
Posted by: kat | January 15, 2005 07:30 AM
I'm rooting for you! Go Girl! Congrats on making it this far!
Posted by: VHMPrincess | January 15, 2005 08:13 AM
Some other research, unsure whether ALA or Veteran's Administration, shows that likelihood of returning to smoking is greater if others in the household continue to smoke. Ipso facto, now is a good time for anyone else to stop also.
Posted by: jcwinnie | January 15, 2005 09:36 AM
Oh yea. My husband is quitting by demand, not by choice.
Posted by: michele | January 15, 2005 09:37 AM
Remember, no matter what, the craving will go away in about 5 minutes. If you never pick up another cigarette, you'll never have to go through these 36 hours again.
After awhile, the little evil Nicotine Junkie will quiet down and the good little Oxygen Freak will take its place and you'll wonder how you ever did that to youself.
Posted by: Timmer | January 15, 2005 10:07 AM
Keep up the effort. It's a hard road, but there are rewards at the end. No more coughing when you exert yourself, and no more paying $5 a pack for something you just put a match to anyway....wait, you live in the Northeast...you do that with Duralogs anyway....
Posted by: David Earney | January 15, 2005 10:07 AM
Congrats remember just one day at a time.
Posted by: gbfan001 | January 15, 2005 10:45 AM
I know it's very, very difficult.
But I also know you can do it.
Hang in there...
Posted by: MikeR | January 15, 2005 11:44 AM
You can do it. I kicked my coke habit, and the underlying dope habit(addictive behavior) as well. That oral fixation is a bear, that's why I chew my fingers.
Timmer is right, the immediate craving subsides after a bit. It comes back, but that's the nature of the beast. The one thing I learned and held onto from rehab was to not take the first hit. Do anything to avoid it. Make a contract to go another day, hour or minute without it, but do not give in. Then you have to start over. It's a simple procedure, but it's not easy.
Be cranky, short-tempered and irritable. You won't always be like that. Make up your mind that you're going to be the one to beat your addiction and stick to it. It will suck verily in the short term, but the going gets easier after time.
Sixteen years after I quit (everything, including recreational drinking) I still consider diving back in, especially during my separation and divorce. But those thoughts are fleeting. Won't do it, wouldn't be prudent.
Posted by: Chris | January 15, 2005 11:57 AM
Haven't looked in for a few days. Good to see you taking the plunge. Good luck.
Posted by: Joseph Marshall | January 15, 2005 01:45 PM
You can do it. One day at a time, one cigarette at a time, "not today, not this cigarette".
Posted by: htom | January 15, 2005 01:58 PM
Glad to hear your man is with you on this... that's crucial.
I did the cold turkey thing too, for many of the same reasons you listed.
Seriously cheering you on here in Texas.
Posted by: Dave in Texas | January 15, 2005 03:16 PM
Good luck to you on kicking the Habit.
Posted by: Morenuancedthanyou | January 15, 2005 03:34 PM
Funky. I remember reading a weirdly fascinating little post on the last Grand Rounds (medical blogger best-of roundup) about compulsive ice chewing as one of the stranger symptoms of anemia.
Meanwhile, Kingdom Hearts is a great game, at least in my humble opinion. I got two or three playthroughs out of it before getting bored.
Posted by: LabRat | January 15, 2005 04:05 PM
I'm sorry to hear of one less smoker. 30% of the nation has been subjected to outrageous tyranny on this issue, and it will only become worse the smaller the pool becomes.
Posted by: Brett | January 15, 2005 06:00 PM
Michele - hard candies do work. Try some sugar free candies to avoid the obvious problem with sugar. Lollipops would take care of both needs.
Good luck.
Posted by: Sherard | January 15, 2005 07:11 PM
You decided to quit, then demand your husband join you.
Boy, do you have him whipped. I'd say you owe him big time, something you always refused, to boot.
Posted by: Brett | January 16, 2005 09:47 AM
Boy, do you have him whipped. I'd say you owe him big time, something you always refused, to boot.
Yea, I whipped him into being healthy and saving money. What a terrible wife I am.
Brett, anyone ever tell you you're an asshole? If not, let me be the first.
Posted by: michele | January 16, 2005 09:50 AM
Oh, come now, Michele.
It's a common failing to harrass someone else for their own good. It's how the nation got into the mess it's in; we all easily fall into it, because we can be besotted with our own goodness while indulging our bullying instincts.
So yeah, I'm an asshole: I won't let anyone have it both ways.
Posted by: Brett | January 16, 2005 10:58 AM