I had a dream in which I was singing karaoke in a vast, wide lecture hall, one of those rooms where the wall/floor perspective makes it appear as if the room gets smaller as it goes farther back. I was doing a bang-up rendition of Faith No More's Surprise, You're Dead
and at the end, where I'm supposed to laugh maniacally, I spot at the very farthest point of the room none other than Jeff Jarvis
, standing there with his arms crossed, looking rather cross and impatient. I finished the song and walked off the stage and towards Jeff as the crowd applauded my efforts and threw cigarettes at me. After what seemed like miles, I reached Mr. Jarvis.
Apparently, he wanted to lecture me about my blogging ethics
. Kept yelling things about disclosure!
. And I just kept thinking about how badly I wanted to pick up the thousands of cigarettes
lining the floor of the lecture hall and smoke every last one of them. Simultaneously. Jeff went on to say something about hiring people to scrutinize my archives to see if I actually use all those products or like all those bands. Man, was he indignant. When he was done and I was properly chastised, the crowd egged me onto the stage again for more karaoke. Just as I decided on a Weezer song, I woke up. Good thing, too, because I sing horribly even in my dreams.
The above is why I woke up thinking about blog payoffs (well, that and reading about it yesterday) and wondering why, like thousands of others, I haven't been offered one red cent from anyone in exchange for kind words about their product/candidate/sexual prowess.
Were anyone to really scour my archives to see which products, etc., that I've hawked, and then look at how many posts where I cry about how poor I am, well, it's evident that I don't take cash up front. But...that's not to say I wouldn't! If Keurig
were to offer me, say, a coffee machine in exchange for saying nice things about their company and its products, I wouldn't hesitate. Because I'm a consumer whore and consumer whores will do anything - mostly - for free material goods. Not even cash. Just the damn machine. Hello? Anyone out there from Keurig listening? Or the people from this site
. Send me a couple of the shirts I want and I'll model them right here. Wet. No shame. None at all. (Hi mom and dad!)
Anyhow, I know that some of my past entries might, in the wake of all this barely scandalous talk of blogging payola, make people think I was handed some under-the-computer-table cash, but I'm telling you in all honesty, right now, that I really do like Linkin Park and, hard as it is to fathom, nobody paid me to say that.
And, no, Night Ranger does not pay me royalties every time I mention Sister Christian.
So while I have nothing to confess, exactly, I'm going to be up front and completely honest about who I would accept money/product from in exchange for some complimentary blogging.
* Apple - I'd take anything, really. Even one of those new mini Macs.
* Starbucks - A monthly supply of Chanticos. One every 28 days would suffice, payable on the 26th of the month or thereabouts.
* James Lileks
- I'd tattoo the ISBN number for your latest book on my chest, right above my cleavage line
, for a link or two.
* Microsoft - My kingdom for an XBox. I'd turn this blog into a Bill Gates fanfic site, complete with a pictorial shrine and gushy reviews of Microsoft products I wouldn't use if my life depended on it, in exchange for an XBox, at least three games and a year subscription to XBox Live.
* My local comic book/action figure store
- This is obvious. Write nice things, get good product. I'd promise not to drool on the display cases, too.
* Good media that I haven't gotten around to writing about yet. Example: The most recent Black Label Society album
is rocking my world. But I'll wait for Zakk Wylde to line my pockets before writing about it.
* Shitty rock bands who disbanded years ago and recently got back together in an effort to combat the low self-esteem that comes with receding hairlines, paunchy guts and the break up of your fan club: Cash. Cold, hard cash. For a few bucks, I'd gladly sell out and pretend that, yea, REO Speedwagon is the shit,
man, and dude, Motley Crue reunion? Fucking rock on
, man. Dollar bills up front and I'd write about you like you're the second coming of the first coming of your crappy band.
You get the idea. In fact, just yesterday I received this magazine
in the mail - gratis. It features my favorite artist (besides my husband), Mark Ryden
. And I will be willing to say wonderful things about this glossy, cultural, pretty magazine as long as they keep sending it to me. It's a win/win situation, really. The smart companies will go through my archives and see what I've already written glowing things about and then send me product and/or cash to get me to keep talking. Yea, that's the ticket! Soon, I'll be rich in ways I never dreamed - Guinness beer, Coldstone Creamery ice cream, PS2 games, iPod accessories and - hopefully - cold, hard cash.
Blogging ethics? I've got 'em. And my ethic is this - if it gets me free items or a suitcase of unmarked bills, I'm in. Well, I'm not a total
whore. I cannot be bought by the following: George Lucas, the New York Mets, Limp Bizkit, or MTV. Everyone else, I'm yours for the asking.
[crickets chirp, pins drop, etc.]