I had a dream in which I was singing karaoke in a vast, wide lecture hall, one of those rooms where the wall/floor perspective makes it appear as if the room gets smaller as it goes farther back. I was doing a bang-up rendition of Faith No More's
Surprise, You're Dead and at the end, where I'm supposed to laugh maniacally, I spot at the very farthest point of the room none other than
Jeff Jarvis, standing there with his arms crossed, looking rather cross and impatient. I finished the song and walked off the stage and towards Jeff as the crowd applauded my efforts and threw cigarettes at me. After what seemed like miles, I reached Mr. Jarvis.
Apparently, he wanted to lecture me about my
blogging ethics. Kept yelling things about
disclosure! and
payola! . And I just kept thinking about how badly I wanted to pick up the thousands of
cigarettes lining the floor of the lecture hall and smoke every last one of them. Simultaneously. Jeff went on to say something about hiring people to scrutinize my archives to see if I actually use all those products or like all those bands. Man, was he indignant. When he was done and I was properly chastised, the crowd egged me onto the stage again for more karaoke. Just as I decided on a Weezer song, I woke up. Good thing, too, because I sing horribly even in my dreams.
The above is why I woke up thinking about blog payoffs (well, that and reading about it yesterday) and wondering why, like thousands of others, I haven't been offered one red cent from anyone in exchange for kind words about their product/candidate/sexual prowess.
Were anyone to really scour my archives to see which products, etc., that I've hawked, and then look at how many posts where I cry about how poor I am, well, it's evident that I don't take cash up front. But...that's not to say I wouldn't! If
Keurig were to offer me, say, a coffee machine in exchange for saying nice things about their company and its products, I wouldn't hesitate. Because I'm a consumer whore and consumer whores will do anything - mostly - for free material goods. Not even cash. Just the damn machine. Hello? Anyone out there from Keurig listening? Or the people from
this site. Send me a couple of the shirts I want and I'll model them right here. Wet. No shame. None at all. (Hi mom and dad!)
Anyhow, I know that some of my past entries might, in the wake of all this barely scandalous talk of blogging payola, make people think I was handed some under-the-computer-table cash, but I'm telling you in all honesty, right now, that I really do like Linkin Park and, hard as it is to fathom, nobody paid me
to say that. And, no, Night Ranger does not pay me royalties every time I mention
Sister Christian.
So while I have nothing to confess, exactly, I'm going to be up front and completely honest about who I would accept money/product from in exchange for some complimentary blogging.
* Apple - I'd take anything, really. Even one of those new mini Macs.
* Starbucks - A monthly supply of Chanticos. One every 28 days would suffice, payable on the 26th of the month or thereabouts.
*
James Lileks - I'd tattoo the ISBN number for your latest book on my chest, right above
my cleavage line, for a link or two.
* Microsoft - My kingdom for an XBox. I'd turn this blog into a Bill Gates fanfic site, complete with a pictorial shrine and gushy reviews of Microsoft products I wouldn't use if my life depended on it, in exchange for an XBox, at least three games and a year subscription to XBox Live.
*
My local comic book/action figure store - This is obvious. Write nice things, get good product. I'd promise not to drool on the display cases, too.
* Good media that I haven't gotten around to writing about yet. Example: The most recent
Black Label Society album is rocking my world. But I'll wait for Zakk Wylde to line my pockets before writing about it.
* Shitty rock bands who disbanded years ago and recently got back together in an effort to combat the low self-esteem that comes with receding hairlines, paunchy guts and the break up of your fan club: Cash. Cold, hard cash. For a few bucks, I'd gladly sell out and pretend that, yea, REO Speedwagon is
the shit, man, and dude, Motley Crue reunion? Fucking rock
on, man. Dollar bills up front and I'd write about you like you're the second coming of the first coming of your crappy band.
You get the idea. In fact, just yesterday I received
this magazine in the mail - gratis. It features my favorite artist (besides my husband),
Mark Ryden. And I will be willing to say wonderful things about this glossy, cultural, pretty magazine as long as they keep sending it to me. It's a win/win situation, really. The smart companies will go through my archives and see what I've already written glowing things about and then send me product and/or cash to get me to keep talking. Yea, that's the ticket! Soon, I'll be rich in ways I never dreamed - Guinness beer, Coldstone Creamery ice cream, PS2 games, iPod accessories and - hopefully - cold, hard cash.
Blogging ethics? I've got 'em. And my ethic is this - if it gets me free items or a suitcase of unmarked bills, I'm in. Well, I'm not a
total whore. I cannot be bought by the following: George Lucas, the New York Mets, Limp Bizkit, or MTV. Everyone else, I'm yours for the asking.
[crickets chirp, pins drop, etc.]
Comments
Or the people from this site. Send me a couple of the shirts I want and I'll model them right here. Wet. No shame. None at all.
With that kind of return on the table, I'm sure your readership would gladly pitch in to buy a shirt or two...
Posted by: Keiran Halcyon | January 14, 2005 09:49 AM
That is one of the best blog posts I have ever read and I wish I had product to give or money, because you would have a customer.
Posted by: Scott B | January 14, 2005 10:19 AM
How about a review of Shadow Star?
I already bribed you with free copies...
(VBEG)
Posted by: Toren | January 14, 2005 11:41 AM
Michele,
You ought to subscribe to Juxtapoz - it's reeeely cheap! I've bought it since the very first issue, and have an almost complete collection. Yep, Ryden really is the shit, but I'm a Robert Williams man myself - have been since his UG Comix days back in the late 60s/early 70s. Always been into the older UG guys - Griffin, Irons, Williams, Wilson, Moscoso, Corben, Crumb, Jaxon, Bode, etc., but the stuff that kills me these days seems to be Biskup's stuff (I'd murder my mom for a set of his Dunces toys), Shag (like everybody else in the freaking universe), The Pizz - but my favorite "newcomer" so to speak is ROCKIN' JELLYBEAN! Lordy Loo, there are very few artists in the world who render women like he does! I understand your pleas to sell out - I'd do the same thing in a heartbeat. If I had the ability to get free product on a regular basis (stuff that I really dig), I'd be a total whore-for-hire sumbitch...
Posted by: Flamen Dialis | January 14, 2005 12:07 PM
"I haven't been offered one red cent from anyone in exchange for kind words about their ... sexual prowess."
Wait a sec! You'll do that?! Now you tell me!
Posted by: JFH | January 14, 2005 12:23 PM
I got a free comic book (the hilarious Major Flip-Flop about John Kerry) as a review copy back when Kerry Haters was getting 2500 hits a day.
Posted by: Brainster | January 14, 2005 03:21 PM
And what, Glenn Reynolds doesn't do exactly the same thing? I know that every time he posts a new 'In the mail' post, he's just asking for more books.
Posted by: Gabe | January 14, 2005 03:23 PM
If you're gonna whore out for a coffeemaker (and I would too), think big, so to speak. Or, less prettily, but more conveniently, even bigger.
There's nothing wrong with whoring. There's something wrong with being cheap.
Posted by: Sigivald | January 14, 2005 03:51 PM
James Lileks - I'd tattoo the ISBN number for your latest book on my chest, right above my cleavage line, for a link or two.
Gives a whole new meaning to link whoring.
Still classier than Wonkette.
But really, we'd settle for a well done Photoshop job... :)
Posted by: Dr_Mike | January 14, 2005 04:59 PM
And a Whiter Shade of Pale. Heh, Wyldes voice almost makes it make sense. That is, it helps to be drunk to the point of pickled. The rest of it makes good Interstate highway driving music, too. Lousy for hangovers.
:-D
Posted by: tommy | January 14, 2005 09:20 PM
And a Whiter Shade of Pale. Heh, Wyldes voice almost makes it make sense. That is, it helps to be drunk to the point of pickled. The rest of it makes good Interstate highway driving music, too. Lousy for hangovers.
:-D
Posted by: tommy | January 14, 2005 09:23 PM
Cleavage?
Couldn't get past the hat.
Posted by: El Jefe | January 14, 2005 11:08 PM
Oh man, if you would have posted this a week ago you would have been set on the Chantico side. Up until last week I was a starbucks employee and having been a avid ASV reader for a long time I would've been more than willing to hook you up with as many Recovery Coupons (free drink coupons) as you wanted. Shame.
Posted by: Ryan S. | January 16, 2005 02:02 AM
You should at least hit up Gates for a fully maxxed out Media Center system. The Xbox stuff is well under $500 in value.
Posted by: Eric Pobirs | January 18, 2005 08:14 PM
Better yet, just check in at www.cheapassgamer.com once in a while to reduce your gaming costs by over half.
Posted by: Eric Pobirs | January 18, 2005 08:15 PM