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The Big Crush

Did you ever have a crush on someone so off the beaten path that people just shake their heads at you in dismay when you mention it? Yea, that's why I hardly ever mention my celebrity crushes out loud. And it's ok to crush on someone when you're married (and it's ok to use the word crush even if you're over 40) - because it's just a harmless thing. It's not like I'm going to start sending fan mail sealed with a cherry lip gloss kiss. The last time I did that, it was for Leif Garret and the bastard never wrote back to me. I just did a GIS for Leif Garret and came up with this, which is the exact poster that once adorned my bedroom wall:
lg1.jpg Dreamy, eh? Even by today's teenage standards, I think he would pash the crush test. But not exactly off the beaten path. I mean, everyone liked Leif. I even know straight guys who swooned over that half grin and those wavy locks. No one was afraid to admit they had a thing for him. But there were dark secrets I kept. Crushes that went unannounced. Pictures and mementos hidden in an old cigar box under my bed. Sworn secrecy to myself that I would never, ever let anyone know about these guys who, for one reason or another, made me have daydreams about dating them, hanging out with them, maybe even marrying them some day. And why did this make me feel embarassed or even ashamed? Because I had a crush on a comic book boy. A boy who had what appeared to be tic-tac-toe boards on his face. A boy who was so undecisive about his love life that he strung along two girls, playing them both for fools. A bumbling, dimwitted, foolish boy who for some reason made me feel all tingly inside. I think I just figured that if the two hottest chicks in Riverdale both wanted him, there must be something really special about Archie. Or maybe I just wanted him so they couldn't have him. When you think about it, crushing on a goofy cartoon kid was ten times less embarassing than having wet dreams about this guy. Yea, maybe I liked their music a little too much, but at least I didn't join their fan club or send them my panties in the mail like some of my friends. Apparently that goofy, bumbling, cartoon boy obsession is timeless, because this guy is right up there on my list of Cartoon Guys I'd Date if I Were A Cartoon Girl. He reminds me of Archie in a lot of ways, except Fry is a bit dumber, a bit sweeter. Hey, it's better than my stupid, unrequited crush on a piece of shape shifting meat. Who also happens to be dumb. Anyhow, my intention today was not to embarass myself totally, but admit to my latest weird crush. Even though he works for the most satanic company in the world, I'm still thinking about sending him a love letter sealed with a cherry lip gloss kiss. While the rest of you are getting your jollies thinking about Jude Law, I'm having fantasies that involve the phrase "Can you hear me now, bitch?" Maybe I should just go back to ogling Archie. Don't leave me alone out here, people. Confess. You've got a weird crush, don't you? I know at least five guys who dream about Kim Possible, so don't try to hide it. Oh, geez. Don't ever do a GIS for Kim Possible with the safe filter off.


Listed below are links to weblogs that reference The Big Crush:

» Michele has a nifty post from scrawlville.com
About weird crushes. I nominated Molotov Coqtiz and Dr. Girlfriend for my own. And now the wife will begin looking at me funny again. Oh well. Remember: a crush does not mean I like them better than you honey. I... [Read More]

» Dreamy? I don't think so from it comes in pints?
As I've written here (and elsewhere) before, I understood teenage girls having crushes on Bobby Sherman, multiple Cassidys, even some of the later teen idols whose names escape me. But I'm sorry, this is one butt-ugly mofo. Even that guy... [Read More]

» Is that a Crush in your Breastpocket? from Tributaries

Too funny...its a few days old, but Michele's post about past crushes made me smile. 

Damn straight a married woman ...

[Read More]

» File under "Sheesh" from dustbury.com
Yes, I said it: Kim Possible is, like, totally hot. I am, however, obliged to point out, to the guy (I assume) from Louisiana who came searching, and to anyone... [Read More]


"Can you hear me now?" is the Verizon catchphrase, as uttered by this man. Got a crush on him too? ;-)

Blair from The Facts of Life.

Not Lisa Welchel. Blair - the character.

Sure she was the hottest one, but the spoiled brat, rich-bich attitude makes her a little bit of an embarrassing crush.

Never crushed on a cartoon myself, although, come to think of it, Babs Bunny from Tiny Toons had the charm and sense of humour I look for in a girl...

Er... um... if you're into that sort of thing...

"Can you hear me now?" is the Verizon catchphrase, as uttered by this man. Got a crush on him too? ;-)

Egads, No. I guess you had to be part of the fantasy to understand the context of the use of that phrase.

You really don't want to know.

C'mon - a guy that wears an overcoat even on a warm day?

It's all about what's under the overcoat.

My cartoon crush is that wife from The Family Guy. It's the nose, you see. I love the big honkers! As much as I despise Barbra Streisand, that's her one redeeming feature...

Michele has a wonderful, handsome nose as well....yummy....

It's my weakness for Italian features...

>>Did you ever have a crush on someone so off the beaten path that people just shake their heads at you in dismay when you mention it?

Did you ever have a crush on someone so off the beaten path that people just shake their heads at you in dismay when you mention it?

Did I ever have such a crush? No; but this may explain why my much-better-half ever even consented to date me...

Flamen, you nailed mine. I think that's pretty common too. On a commentary track from a Family Guy DVD, Seth MacFarlane said he had a strange obsession with Lois.

For me, right now, Molotov Coqtiz is pretty much number one. Always like a girl that might stab me during the nookie. Dr. Girlfriend runs a close second.

But Kim Possible is, like, totally hot.

(Though Violet Parr will be more so once she grows up a little.)

But Kim Possible is, like, totally hot.

Totally agreed. I'll post about my girl crushes some other time. She's right up there.

Sorry guys, Major Kusanagi from Ghost in the Shell revs my engine. Still does.

Blaire? Please.

Everyone knows Jo was the one that rocked everyone's world.

Or so I've heard.....

Eric Szmanda (Greg Sanders) from CSI is my current and most persistent crush. Even my husband doesn't understand it.

Janeane Garofalo.

This reminds me of a game I played once at a party. Everyone had to mention someone they wanted to have sex with who would surprise everyone else. We restricted it to celebrities, of course, to avoid any embarrassment involving present company.

One girl's answer was "Marlon Brando." On the face of it, it didn't seem to outlandish, but just to clarify, I asked, "You mean 'Streetcar Named Desire' Marlon Brando, or 'Superman' Marlon Brando or 'Apocalypse Now' Marlon Brando?"

She smiled bashfully and said, "It doesn't matter."

Well, there you go.

Pamelyn Ferdin

After seeing that pic I have a "thing" for him too, although I don't think he'll replace Armand Assante yet.

here's a link to my crush.


Supergirl, although I always wondered if it was possible to pop her hymen--she is invulnerable, after all. Might have to honeymoon in Kandor.

The Black Widow served as good fantasy material during her brief run in Amazing Adventures. There was always a panel of her showering, or changing into her fighting togs... of course it was essential to the plot. ;)

Wow. Supergirl's hymen. I think that could effectively replace Godwin's Law.

When I was a youngster I had a severe, long-lasting crush on Racquel Welch.

My current celeb crushes:

Marisa Tomei

Mira Sorvino

Patricia Arquette (This is a biggie with me - The Hot Wife has even more of a crush on her than I do! She was watching the first episode of "Medium" the other night and swooned the entire time. I don't know what it is about her - she's not classicly beautiful, but she has an odd magnetism that can't be explained...)

Fairuza Balk!

eric nies.

how sick is that?

yesterday, i actually did The Grind just to be close to him.

Kim Possible is ok, but I prefer She-go. Even with her shameful secret (she used to be a superhero! blech!) she is completely hot!



I have a huge crush on Howie Long.

I don't think he would normally fall under the "off the beaten path" category but since I'm a lesbian...

(1) Betty and/or Veronica, depending on what they were doing in a particular Archie Comic.
(2) All of Josie & The Pussycats
(3) Some girl on the old Japanese cartoon "G-Force"

Oh, man. I would do anything for Howie. Which is normal for me, but...

Well, I'm reminded of a Weezer song:

if everyone's a little queer, can't she be a little straight?

And really, it's no more odd than my fascination with Lindsey Lohan's boobs, I guess.

Frankly, I don't understand the whole Lindsey Lohan thing...

The Hot Wife would agree with you - she thinks the Lohan nubbins are pretty super.

I also feel a little weird about one another mild obsession. My son watches a children's show named "High Five" in the mornings before school. It's a musical-variety children's show. There's a girl on there - Jennifer - who appears to be in her early/mid 20s - she has that sort of "grimace" smile that you normally only see from Miss America pageant contestants, and nice, full hips - she drives me WILD! I feel a weird sort of guilt for having "impure" thoughts about her while my son's watching them sing their horrible little PC ditties...

Sam from Chris Muir's comic strip. A body that will not quit.

Cartoon: Peppermint Pattie. Yeah, I know she probably would grow up to be a lesbian. But she was the only person in the universe that treated Charlie Brown with respect.

I've ALWAYS had a celebrity crush on the fat actress. Love a woman with a sense of humor and big bones.

Post-Mortem crush : Maureen O'hara . None. Hotter. Ever.

correction: it would appear that Ms O'hara is alive. I still have a shot...

Tiffani Amber Thiessen in Saved By the Bell, underage at the time, but what a beauty.

Cartoons? In the last month, while watching the Disney version of Peter Pan with my 22 month old daughter, I've come to realize that Tinkerbell is a complete babe, if in miniature.

I was also in love with the girl on G-Froce!

When I was a kid it was Marcia Brady, when I reached my twenties it was Carol Brady, now that I've reached my forties Alice is starting to look pretty good.
I guess that means as far as cartoon crushes go it will have to be Blondie Bumstead.

HA! Oh my god! I had to do the Kim Possible search. Leif never wrote me back either. I have the worse crush on Tommy Lee and Drake from "Drake and Josh". We sing his songs over and over.

I've got a friend who's got a very odd obsession with Nightcrawler (mostly just from the movie). She finds the tail and ears the most interesting.

We of course make fun of her for this to no end, because she doesn't date. Ever. Wouldn't know a guy hitting on her if he used a 2×4.

Truly Scrumptious from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Even as a youngster I liked how she worked that Toot Sweet.

Green Lantern
The Rock
The drummer from White Zombie

Brainster: Kryptonite condom. Duh.

Michele: You know, it never occured to me to think of Kim Possible like that.

But I will now. Oh, yes. Yes indeed.

Though I far prefer the daughter on Family Guy to Lois (not that Lois is by any means bad, mind you).

Speaking of which, what about Sean Yseult? Good enough for Rob Zombie, good enough for me.

Hah; I've got you ALL beat! I used to think Smurfette was hot (ok, well, "cute").

While not exactly a CRUSH, a while back I responded to a question posted on some other posting forum: "Which cartoon character would you sleep with (if you could get down to their level)?" I responded Blondie and the mom from Family Circus when she had her shoulder length haircut. Both women are well endowed, to say the least (minimum DD).

Becca Thatcher from Life Goes On, and the original Kimberly from the very first set of Power Rangers. That was then, this is now: Kellie Martin doesn't do much for me anymore, and while I still thought (and still think) Amy Jo Johnson is OMFG hot, Felicity was sufficiently bad enough that it wasn't worth it to gaze upon her beauty.

Faith and Willow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Willow had that girl-next-door thing going on with her shy halting personality, and Faith simply had the words **** ME NOW written in bright red letters on her forehead. Her role in True Lies gave no foretaste of what lie ahead for her...

Jennie Garth's and Gabrielle Carteris' characters on 90210. Mrowr. Shannon Doherty has a lopsided nose like she broke it in a jr high fight. Tori Spelling has Bette Davis eyes.

and Finally: Brittney Spears in the Pepsi commercial where she dances in the deliveryman outfit with the slower paced "Bah-bah-buh-bahh, buh-buh-BAH-buh-buh" lyrics. Oh lordy lordy lordy. She does things to me.

GI Joe (which could have directly contributed with my BDU fetish today), She-Ra, all of the Thundercats and Orko (don't ask...guess I had a thing for floating faceless fabric).

But my first crush on a real person (can't believe I'm admitting this) was John Denver. Hey...he sang with Kermit and that green fabric wart-factory rocked my little world!

In 1976, during the Winter Olympics, I watched as Dorothy Hamill skated her way into my heart, and I have not been the same since. I just thought she was the most beautiful, graceful, adorable woman I had ever laid eyes on. I was well and truly smitten.

She's about my same age, you know. It could have worked, I just know it.

Um, yea, add another guy to the KP bandwagon. Of course the woman who does the voice is not bad herself.

Sigivald - you are right on! SEAN YSEULT! I'm a total sucker for that long, kinky hair, especially the way she would whip it around in a headbanging frenzy when she played with WZ. Lordy Loo, she's hot! There's a White Zombie website I visited a while back that had a really early shot of her right before she joined WZ, where her hair was still in brunette mode. She looked remarkably like Amy Fisher, another one who made me (to quote Allah) "feel funny in my pants."

I liked Melissa Joan Hart when she was on Clarissa (of course, she's only about 4-5 years younger than I am). It was her voice.

On the more-beaten path, so to speak, if you were a teenage boy in the late 80s, there was Amanda Peterson and there was everyone else. Ask any guy my age who saw "Can't Buy Me Love" and I guarantee you get the same response.

So. Damn. Hot.

I would like to add that I agree with Allah and Crank. Sam is smoking.

I forgot her name but Crank is right Amanda Peterson was awsome. But she fits in with the french chick from "better off dead" Monique and her language of love......mmmmm

I googled Kim Possible and didn't see anything unusual. I hate being left out.

And has everyone forgotten Jessica Rabbit?

Rob Zombie. yum.

Oh yeah, Amanda Peterson. Yummy. Lea Thompson in Space Camp opened my eyes to her. Mary Stuart Masterson, but not in Some Kind Of Wonderful with Eric Stolz (and Lea Thompson!), but especially in Bed Of Roses with Christian Slater.

Sorry, One more: Allison Smith (as Jennie Lowell in Kate and Allie).

Ditto on Motoko Kusanagi.
The amazing thing is I just tried a GIS on her, safe mode off, and went up to 200 images and never saw anything nasty. Astounding.

My crushes: Audrey Tautou, Helen Slater, Winona Ryder, and Patricia Arquette.

And, as far as cartoon jailbait goes, KP is great, but I prefer Raven from Teen Titans. I've got a thing for cynical, well-read goth girls.

Phoebe Cates in Fast Times.
Lisa Loeb
Courtney Love
Ricki Lake in Hairspray
Martha Quinn from MTV

I like diversity...

I second Raven, Big Bro.

Scarlett or Lady Jayne. No, Scarlett and Lady Jayne.

"Six" from Blossom. Oh yes, yes indeed.

Arial, the little mermaid.

Ms. 2nd quarter from the Lao Brewery Company's 2005 calendar.

Alyson Court, aka Loonette the Clown (from Big Comfy Couch) -- Yeah, here's yer clock stretch, pally. Mrs. M always liked Loonette's cohort, Major Bedhead.

Ally Sheedy, until she started hurling on purpose (and before I read any of her poetry). Matter of fact, my band in grad school did a song I wrote about a guy who had no luck on the bar scene, so he would go home and pleasure himself while watching Ms. Sheedy's films. Not that it was ... well... autobiographical or anything.

Lizabeth Scott (who would have been another of the Lesbians I've Dated(TM pending)).

Jesse from Team Rocket on Pokemon. Seriously- red-head, punk hair, thigh high bitch-boots... diggin' it.

Real life:
Francesca Annis (late '80s watch her in Dune, yeah the movie bit but mmmm)
Queen Latifah
Leah Remini
Carolyn Rhea

the 'troll likes 'em firm and fruity.

Posted my cartoon crushes before, but as far as real ones, my first two huge mega-crushes were Kim Richards, the girl in "Escape to Witch Mountain", and Melissa Sue Anderson, Mary (the older sister who goes blind) from "Little House on the Prairie"
..and hey, I was only 5 or 6 at the time.

And now, it's strictly Audrey Tautou, Keira Knightley, Kirsten Dunst...

Dick Cheney
Colin Firth
Ari Fleischer
Henry Simmons (Lt. Jones, NYPD Blue)
Sean Connery
Ronde Barber
The cute guy on the 14th floor of my building.

Sydney carton. Jack Aubrey. Speed Racer.

Michele, what I thought was so funny when you posted this was that it brought to mind the episode of Red Dwarf where Lister and Cat discuss the sexiness of Wilma versus Betty.

"I'd do it with Betty...but I'd be thinking Wilma"

"She'll never leave Fred and we know it."

Kitty Pryde (X-Men comics and Evolution cartoon series -- yes, officer, I'm coming peacefully...)

I had a crush on Trent from the show Daria. Yeah, Trent. The animated one. ;)