I'm going to have take a pass on any lengthy morning blogging until it warms up around these parts. We still haven't replaced
the windows in our home office - that home improvement money sure does run out fast. Maybe we should have waited on fixing the bathroom. I mean, what's more important, a decent toilet bowl and shower or a warm office?
Anyhow, it's about ten below in here (give or take a few for the wind chill factor) and the space heater isn't really helping. So I offer you a timely repeat until I can get to the cozy confines of work.
Update: Wind Rider, having seen my home office up close and personal,
has taken pity on me and is trying to collect $345,273.47 (Lawn Guyland rates) for my new windows. The $273.47 cents is for parts. The rest is for labor.
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Before you all go grab your latest issue of TV Guide and start circling the various holiday specials you intend to watch (
A Kid Rock Christmas, anyone?), I'd like to talk to you about something.
Rudolph. Is there a creature so beloved as that red-nosed reindeer? Is there any stop-motion animated movie that tugs at your heart more? No, of course not. You will gather - and by you I mean everyone, Christians, Jews, Atheists, Satanists - in front of the tv with your children at some point in the next month to watch this time-honored tale.
Well, I'm here to put a stop to that.
Rudolph is
not a cuddly, warm, fuzzy story.
Rudolph, in fact, is a tale of pacifism and appeasement and mental abuse.
When Rudolph is first discovered to have the light bulb nose, his father is appalled. Ashamed, he tries to cover up his son's nose. What kind of father is that? He is telling his kid right off the bat,
kid, you're ugly and you embarass me. Diguise yourself in public. Right then and there someone should have called social services to tell them that there was a brute of a stag emotionally damaging his child. I mean, the poor kid has a disfigurement. They should have been helping him, not making him feel even worse about it.
So everyone eventually finds out about Rudie's nose anyhow. The kids torment him and pick on him and turn him into an outcast. He's not allowed to join in their games because he is,
gasp!, different!
So what happens? Rudolph goes off on an adventure (where he comes upon the Island of Misfit Toys, but that's a whole other dissertation), where it is discovered that his nose can actually come in handy. Hey, the kid is a freak, but he's a
useful freak.
The rest of the reindeer gang find out that Rudolph is going to lead Santa's sleigh through the snowstorm. You know what happens. They suddenly love him. He's a hero. Even though he's been scorned and ridiculed and isolated, the other reindeer discover that they can use Rudolph's disfigurement to their advantage, so now they'll let him in their little club.
And what does Rudolph do? He leads the damn sleigh and saves the day. Now everyone in this movie, from Rudolph's parents to his girlfriend to Santa, the other reindeer and the Yukon guy mock him throughout or at least make him feel like crap. Apparently, Rudolph has no balls.
This is all his father's fault. Dad turned Rudolph into the reindeer equivalant of a nerd when he taught Rudie to just take the abuse from his neighbors and classmates because he deserved it. After all, he
was hideously deformed. In essence, he taught his son not to stand up for himself.
If Rudolph learned anything at all on his great adventure, he would have turned around and said
fuck off and die you miserable bastards. Find some other sucker to save Christmas for you. And then he would take out his AK-47 and turn the whole crowd of miserable reindeer into a carnivore's dream. Then he would go back to the Island of Misfit Toys, become their ruler and plot to take over all of Rankin-Bass land.
So parents, don't let your babies grow up to be Rudolphs. Don't watch the show. Or it could be your kid standing in the middle of the forest one day, gunning down all the kids who wouldn't let him play their reindeer games.
This has been a public service announcement.
Comments
The Rudolph story always depressed me. Yay! Christmas depression!
Posted by: Andrea Harris | December 21, 2004 06:49 AM
The moral of this tale is - send Michele money to buy windows!
Posted by: Wind Rider | December 21, 2004 06:55 AM
Bah! Back in our day, we blogged when it was so cold yer hands would turn blue and yer fingers would snap off reaching for the enter key. And we LIKED it! We LOVED it!
Kids these days...
Posted by: Solonor | December 21, 2004 07:10 AM
I always preferred the flick with the "Heat Miser."
Posted by: Carin | December 21, 2004 07:58 AM
Confession:
I don't know why but I have to turn the channel when the females sing in the old Rankin-Bass specials. I can't explain it, it's primal. It literally hurts me to hear Clairese sing "There's always tomorrow", or the song Jessica sings during "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" (the title eludes me now, thank goodness).
I SWEAR it's NOT misogyny! I also have to avert my eyes when Yukon Cornelius licks his pick. I mean, what's more gross than a "pick licker"?
The female songs aside, those old specials did have some great songs. I love "Put One Foot in Front of the Other" so much, I'm working up a version to sing in church.
Posted by: Slartibartfast | December 21, 2004 08:03 AM
I hate those stop-motion animation movies. It goes further than rudolph too. Frosty, Gumby, Nightmare Before Christmas; they actually make me scowl.
Posted by: shank | December 21, 2004 08:12 AM
Sounds as though the story was really a metaphor for a gay kid who, in the end, won the lottery and saved the Boon Docks for all his shitty friends so that wealthy land developers couldn't build a golf course there.
Or am I getting my movies confused?
Posted by: Gabe | December 21, 2004 08:22 AM
For those intersted this site has everything you ever wanted to know about the original TV special. One of the interesting tidbits is that the misfit girl doll (who had no appearent deformity) had psychological problems. Maybe in michele's Basketball Diaries Rudolf fantasy, she could be his sidekick on the killing spree ?
Posted by: Slartibartfast | December 21, 2004 08:28 AM
Of course, you could take that 350 grand in the window fund and buy a nice big house down south, where it doesn't get so cold. With the 150 grand you'd have left over, you could almost pay off a nice condo down on the Redneck Riviera.
As an added bonus, we don't talk funny down here. Ma'am.
Posted by: skillzy | December 21, 2004 08:34 AM
Momma, don't let your babies grow up to be Rudolphs,
Don't let 'em get picked on, and still drive that sleigh,
Let 'em stand up to the forces of hate...
Posted by: JFH | December 21, 2004 09:04 AM
Posted by: Alan E Brain | December 21, 2004 09:17 AM
My favourite Xmas film is Nightmare Before Christmas it just sums up my attitude towards this time of year. Not a bad film either.
Posted by: Andrew Ian Dodge | December 21, 2004 09:19 AM
Just tell WR to give you the $200 I owe him and you'll be most of the way there.
Posted by: cycleboy | December 21, 2004 09:51 AM
I thought his girlfriend liked his nose. I thought she said he looked better without the uncomfortable prosthetic.
To make your point, my son said Rudolph should have kept the black fake nose on. I made sure he knew the dad was wrong to make him wear it, it was uncomfortable and there's nothing wrong with a red nose. My son (8 yrs old) insisted he would have wore the uncomfortable black nose instead of being different.
Nice.
Posted by: lt | December 21, 2004 12:20 PM
I think you need to consider that that Rudolph special was made in 1964, a time when people had different notions of how to raise kids and deal with differences. But Rudolph respresents a more classical hero in that he overcomes great odds and ends up saving the day. He proves himself to all the cloddish folks around him and rises above their limitations. Telling people to f--- off because they weren't nice to you isn't the answer.
Posted by: Susan | December 21, 2004 12:34 PM
With two kids under three, we've been watching a continuous loop of Rudolph, Frosty, SCICTT and Mickeys twice upon a xmas. I'm ready for that AK-47. Big Time.
And don't get me started on that selfish, simple-minded glutton Winnie the Pooh.
Posted by: Bud Tugley | December 21, 2004 02:18 PM
The real reason,little known, for Rudolph's red nose was that both his parents were alcholic! In fact Rudolph was born addicted to drink with mental deffects including bad physical performance due to neural disorders. That was why Rudolph's father insisted that he wear that stupid fake nose and his poor physical coordination was why the other Reindeer would not allow him in their games. It was only through many long hard hours excising in the cold brisk arctic air that Rudolph was able to purge himself of his alcholism and to acquire proper physical skills and stamina to keep up with the other reindeer. Fortunately this happened in time for him to save Christmas. Equally fortunate Rudolph still had his red nose to guide the other reindeer that dark and stormy Christmas Eve! Only now can the true story of Rudolph's desparate struggle to overcome the defects he was born with can be told!
Coming post-Christmas: Why the movie "Bambi" is a mortal threat to American Families!
Posted by: David All | December 21, 2004 05:41 PM
My favorite portrayal of Rudolph is that cartoon of him seated in a chair reading a book, while the heads of Dasher, Dancer, etc. are mounted on a wall, with the caption, "All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names.":) A rifle he used as his instrument of revenge is leaning against the wall.
Posted by: Bloodthirsty Warmonger | December 22, 2004 12:49 AM
I liked how rudolph responded to Lobo in the Lobo Paramilitary Christmas Special ('91, DC Comics) and then got killed for his trouble.
Posted by: Victor Krueger | December 22, 2004 03:15 AM
Then there was the East German meteorologist discussing precipitation with his wife.
"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
Posted by: triticale | December 23, 2004 09:57 AM
I think Bloodthirsty Warmonger is referring to this cartoon.
Posted by: ScottC | December 23, 2004 11:13 AM