hark, the fighting children scream
As I begin my Christmas shopping today (procrastination is a disease, not a choice!), I am reminded of this little ditty I wrote last year, updated for timeliness and freshness.
Twas nine days before Christmas
And all through my mind
was the running thought
that I'm way too kind
The XBox is wrapped
tucked under the tree
but what have those children
done for me?
They've not cleaned their rooms
not made their beds
they've not done their laundry
they've played games instead
they never listen
to a word that I say
yet what will they get
come Christmas Day?
Expensive guitar things;
(strings, pods and some picks)
two hundred dollars worth
of junk from Hot Topic
Some zombies, some Lohan
all DVD fun
Some Taking Back Sunday
and Sum 41
Pink and black Converse
a new pair of Vans
A Star Wars game I wanted
and Franz Ferdinand
All of these things
I bought on my own
no help from the fat guy
I did it alone
for my wonderful children
I've bought all these presents
they deserve such rewards
(is my sarcasm evident?)
and now they are fighting
and whining and crying
and making a mess
and cursing and lying
I want just one night
in a nice, quiet house
where no creatures are stirring
not even the mouse
I need one small moment
to contemplate
why I spent so much money
and stayed up so late
wrapping the presents
topping them off with a bow
whispering to myself
ho fucking ho
fourteen years now
I've been doing this schtick
and what to I get?
aggravated and sick
And for all of my ranting
and bitching and screaming
come Christmas morning
my kids will be beaming
Yes, Christmas is the time to say "I love you, I cherish you, here's a whole bunch of presents, now get lost and let mommy get some sleep."
It's really not like that at all, but some nights it sure feels like it. It's all good, though. I'll have the last laugh. That XBox is for me.
Comments
ROLF!
hang in there, Michele, it does get better. Though my house looks like a trainwreck
stop
make that half a dozen trainwrecks
my girls actually get along better together now then when they did as youngsters. Heck, #1 Jenn (who will be 26 in January...oh sh*t, I'm old) comes over to actually hang with her sisters and me (this is the one I had the worst of the knock down dragout fights with her shrieking she couldn't wait to move out..and she did at age 19).
I figure I'll get a clean house when it's just Eric and me and kidlets and grandkidlets just visit.
It'll be cleaner and calmer ... but I bet I'll miss these days.
Posted by: Darleen | December 16, 2004 10:10 AM
Hold up to the strain - better days are coming. Before you know it, you'll be able to really get back at your kids through your grandchildren.
Give your granddaughters a Barbie. There's no such thing as a single Barbie, so your kids will have to buy Barbie all sorts of friends, accessories, dream houses, etc. For grandsons, there's the male equivalent, such as GI Joe or whatever is fashionable at the time.
When they come to visit, be sure to hop the kids up with Jolt Cola (motto: Twice the sugar and all the caffine of regular sodas) just before they leave to go home. They'll be hyper and having to pee every few minutes.
Give your grandkids toys that make noise - lots of it. Also, make sure that batteries aren't included.
You have a great imagination and hopefully plenty of time to think of your revenge. If I'd known grandkids would be so much fun, I would've had them first!
Posted by: Larry J | December 16, 2004 03:43 PM
I'm now officially finished with Christmas shopping this year. If I've forgotten anyone, they're getting an electronic gift certificate for Omaha Steaks. I don't care if the person I forgot is two and doesn't have any teeth or 82 and doesn't have any teeth.
So there.
Merry Merry.
Posted by: Roxanne | December 16, 2004 05:03 PM
Ha! How many times can you say, Get off your brother or Santa isn't coming! We have game cube, 2 electric gutiars, and I got blue Vans and pink and black Converse for me! Second childhood, I think!
Posted by: carol | December 16, 2004 06:12 PM