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hark, the fighting children scream

As I begin my Christmas shopping today (procrastination is a disease, not a choice!), I am reminded of this little ditty I wrote last year, updated for timeliness and freshness.
Twas nine days before Christmas And all through my mind was the running thought that I'm way too kind The XBox is wrapped tucked under the tree but what have those children done for me? They've not cleaned their rooms not made their beds they've not done their laundry they've played games instead they never listen to a word that I say yet what will they get come Christmas Day? Expensive guitar things; (strings, pods and some picks) two hundred dollars worth of junk from Hot Topic Some zombies, some Lohan all DVD fun Some Taking Back Sunday and Sum 41 Pink and black Converse a new pair of Vans A Star Wars game I wanted and Franz Ferdinand All of these things I bought on my own no help from the fat guy I did it alone for my wonderful children I've bought all these presents they deserve such rewards (is my sarcasm evident?) and now they are fighting and whining and crying and making a mess and cursing and lying I want just one night in a nice, quiet house where no creatures are stirring not even the mouse I need one small moment to contemplate why I spent so much money and stayed up so late wrapping the presents topping them off with a bow whispering to myself ho fucking ho fourteen years now I've been doing this schtick and what to I get? aggravated and sick And for all of my ranting and bitching and screaming come Christmas morning my kids will be beaming Yes, Christmas is the time to say "I love you, I cherish you, here's a whole bunch of presents, now get lost and let mommy get some sleep." It's really not like that at all, but some nights it sure feels like it. It's all good, though. I'll have the last laugh. That XBox is for me.

Comments

ROLF!

hang in there, Michele, it does get better. Though my house looks like a trainwreck

stop

make that half a dozen trainwrecks

my girls actually get along better together now then when they did as youngsters. Heck, #1 Jenn (who will be 26 in January...oh sh*t, I'm old) comes over to actually hang with her sisters and me (this is the one I had the worst of the knock down dragout fights with her shrieking she couldn't wait to move out..and she did at age 19).

I figure I'll get a clean house when it's just Eric and me and kidlets and grandkidlets just visit.

It'll be cleaner and calmer ... but I bet I'll miss these days.

Hold up to the strain - better days are coming. Before you know it, you'll be able to really get back at your kids through your grandchildren.

Give your granddaughters a Barbie. There's no such thing as a single Barbie, so your kids will have to buy Barbie all sorts of friends, accessories, dream houses, etc. For grandsons, there's the male equivalent, such as GI Joe or whatever is fashionable at the time.

When they come to visit, be sure to hop the kids up with Jolt Cola (motto: Twice the sugar and all the caffine of regular sodas) just before they leave to go home. They'll be hyper and having to pee every few minutes.

Give your grandkids toys that make noise - lots of it. Also, make sure that batteries aren't included.

You have a great imagination and hopefully plenty of time to think of your revenge. If I'd known grandkids would be so much fun, I would've had them first!

I'm now officially finished with Christmas shopping this year. If I've forgotten anyone, they're getting an electronic gift certificate for Omaha Steaks. I don't care if the person I forgot is two and doesn't have any teeth or 82 and doesn't have any teeth.

So there.

Merry Merry.

Ha! How many times can you say, Get off your brother or Santa isn't coming! We have game cube, 2 electric gutiars, and I got blue Vans and pink and black Converse for me! Second childhood, I think!