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Thanksgiving Advice, Part I

The doctor is in. Not this Dr. Nor this one. It is just I, Dr. Turkey, here to solve all of your Thanksgiving dilemmas, or at least dismiss them with a sarcastic phrase or two. Legal notice: I am not a real doctor. I am not an expert on Thanksgiving. I don't even know how to cook a turkey and taking relationship advice from me is like taking grooming advice from Jack Black. By reading the below responses and by acting upon the advice given therein, you release me of any harm or fowl (get it? fowl?) done to you or your loved ones on the basis of anything written here. Not responsible for broken marriages or soiled couches. May cause heartburn, projectile vomiting or bouts of severe loneliness. Parental guidance suggested. The letters asking for advice can all be found here. turkey5.gifI have to go to my girlfriend's sister's in-laws' house for some huge get-together. It's in Boca Raton, half of the people are successful real estate agents and I harbor secret resentment for rich people. Her parents don't like me and I don't like them. Come to think of it, I'm not sure how much I like my girlfriend right now. What should I wear? --Hubris So, you name yourself a word meaning overbearing pride or presumption; arrogance and then you come to me for advice on what to wear? If you had the cajones your name implies, you would go to that get-together, making your entrance buck naked, riding a wolverine. If these people don't like you already, what do you have to lose? Hopefully, your girlfriend will find your bareback wolverine riding erotic and you will overcome your differences, right there on the floor of some adobe and stucco Boca Raton home. Think about letting the wolverine join in. Many a relationship has been saved through the sexual use of animals. And, hey, maybe you'll give a few real estate agents a heart attack in the process. Happy Thanksgiving and let me know how it all works out. ------------- turkey5.gif[I]s it wrong to dump someone because they've let themselves go and the thought of physical intimacy with them is not arousing, exciting...or all that intimate now that I think about it. --Shank As I already mentioned to you, Shank, these were supposed to be Thanksgiving related questions. However, you seem to be a bit of a turkey yourself, so I'll answer this one. First of all, do you mean she let herself go in the Kirstie Alley sense or in the Britney sense? Because there's a difference between turning into a beached whale and putting on a few needed pounds. And are we talking just weight here or has she stopped showering, grown some facial hair or taken to wearing mu mus? Here's what you do: Invite her over for Thanksgiving. Then launch into a long, passionate rant about how the holiday season has become just a bloated, ugly vision of its former self. Tell her that you used to love the intimate feel of the holidays and the beauty that existed within. And now, well, you feel like you have no connection with Thanksgiving or Christmas because they've lost their beauty and glamour. You don't want to slide your presents under the tree, so to speak. Or, umm, you don't want to stuff the turkey. If she doesn't get the analogy then just be blunt. Tell her she's fat, ugly and you're no longer attracted to her even though she's the same person on the inside that she always was. Then run real fast as she chases you through the house with a carving knife. Happy Thanksgiving, and think about lowering your expectations. Two down, many more to go.

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» Thoughts on Thanksgiving [Postdated and updated regularly] from Read My Lips
I'm thankful the Pilgrims served turkey and not raccoon. - SusieWizbang: Thanksgiving Travel Day - requestin' your worst holiday travel story in the commentsA Small VictoryThanksgiving Advice, Part IThanksgiving Advice, Part IIThanksgiving Advice, Part... [Read More]

» Thoughts on Thanksgiving [Postdated and updated regularly] from Read My Lips
I'm thankful the Pilgrims served turkey and not raccoon. - SusieWizbang: Thanksgiving Travel Day - requestin' your worst holiday travel story in the commentsA Small VictoryThanksgiving Advice, Part IThanksgiving Advice, Part IIThanksgiving Advice, Part... [Read More]

» Thoughts on Thanksgiving [Postdated and updated regularly] from Read My Lips
NOTE TO ALL WHOM WERE LINKED ON THIS POST: For some reason, I jes' found that MT suddenly forgot about all the previously sent pings, so I apologize for any massive pongage. My intent was simply to send traffic your... [Read More]

» Thoughts on Thanksgiving [Postdated and updated regularly] from Read My Lips
NOTE TO ALL WHOM WERE LINKED ON THIS POST: For some reason, I jes' found that MT suddenly forgot about all the previously sent pings, so I apologize for any massive pongage. My intent was simply to send traffic your... [Read More]

» Thoughts on Thanksgiving [Postdated and updated regularly] from Read My Lips
NOTE TO ALL WHOM WERE LINKED ON THIS POST: For some reason, I jes' found that MT suddenly forgot about all the previously sent pings, so I apologize for any massive pongage. My intent was simply to send traffic your... [Read More]

» Thoughts on Thanksgiving [Postdated and updated regularly] from Read My Lips
NOTE TO ALL WHOM WERE LINKED ON THIS POST: For some reason, I jes' found that MT suddenly forgot about all the previously sent pings, so I apologize for any massive pongage. My intent was simply to send traffic your... [Read More]

» Thoughts on Thanksgiving [Postdated and updated regularly] from Read My Lips
NOTE TO ALL WHOM WERE LINKED ON THIS POST: For some reason, I jes' found that MT suddenly forgot about all the previously sent pings, so I apologize for any massive pongage. My intent was simply to send traffic your... [Read More]

Comments

Sounds itchy and disturbing, yet oddly arousing. I'll go with it (gotta hit the tanning salon first).

Thank you Dr. Turkey!

LOL. Oh my god, I wasn't talking about MY g/f (who BTW has somehow maintained the physique of her college years), I just wanted to open a discussion. I actually asked her the very same question yesterday. I do this sometimes, ask questions just to start conversations. But if she sees that little advice column, I probably won't have to wait until Thursday to get chased around the house with a carving knife! hahaha, man, i AM a turkey.

[Two hours later]A follow up comment and question: Wolverines apparently do not enjoy the missionary position. Should you see a doctor after being bitten by one?