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Papayas are not Erotic and Kate Spade Won't Bring You Happiness

I bookmarked this How to be a Happy Woman post a while ago (which I found through Sheila) and forgot to blog about. Reading this post at Sheila's this morning made me remember the happy woman thing, if for no other reason than I'm often mystified by women who think chocolate can bring happiness or by men who think a good orgasm is all a woman needs to get by. Or that they need a book to guide them in that endeavor. I like Right Thinking Girl, the author of the Happy Woman list, I really do. But I am going to have to beg to differ with her on a good portion of her list. For instance, #7 calls for baking a wedding cake from scratch. I have to ask, why? Doing such a thing would only result in the further deterioration of my ego, when it becomes blindingly clear that I should never, ever be allowed to wield a measuring cup and flour, lest they become lethal weapons. And what of single women? What gal would want to spend hours slaving over something that would remind her of how god awful alone she is? I'll pass on the handbag (#12) thing also. My handbags are straight from Target or Payless, $10 pieces of crap that will probably fall apart under the weight of my massive set of keys within months. The bottom of my bags usually turn into a potpourri of sticky gum, tobacco, half eaten cough drops and pennies that are slimed in a foreign substance. I'm not about to spend roughly $2000 on a bag that will eventually turn into a home for wayward receipts when that $2000 can be used to feed the homeless keep my family in food for a couple of months. In fact, I question the sanity of a woman who spends the equivalent of a mortgage payment on a contraption used to hold her tampons and cell phone. I think all the above can be said for #36, which calls for love of jewelry. Am I the only woman who would rather get an Xbox than a tennis bracelet as a gift? Well, that point sort of makes going through the rest of the list useless, as it is apparent that no two women are alike. We are all our own little snowflakes, unique individuals, etc., etc., which is why a book like She Comes First is completely useless. The review is great. The book, we could all live without. Why do men - and some women- believe in the naive notion that there is, somewhere, the ultimate guide or instruction manual that will teach men the world over how to really, really please a woman - any woman? Too many men live their whole lives thinking - thanks to magazine articles and books - that the greatest gift you can give a woman is an orgasm. I have news for all of you suffering from that delusion. I - or for that matter, my shower head - can give myself that gift with far greater precision, accuracy and breathtaking results than you could ever hope to. It's just the way it is. "Try licking her the way Pollock painted." That's an actual line from She Comes First. "When she comes first, she comes forever." Yes, that, too. Which is not necessarily true. I know some women who will, like a lot of men, roll over and die when they're done. Listen, I'm not trying to be crude or overtly shocking here, but I think I owe it to the free male world to let men know that not every woman really enjoys the receiving end of oral sex. Not every woman will scream in pleasure when you try some Olympic-feat maneuver that was diagrammed in the latest issue of Ask Men. Instead of spending hours in the bathroom reading up on the latest techniques that call for you to "Think Outside Her Box," try something really innovative: ask your woman what she likes. Because let me tell you, the surprise that comes when a guy tries to reach places that were not meant to be seen without an ultrasound will not always result in moans of distinct pleasure. And trying to engage in sexual intimacy while recalling a black and white, notated diagram in your head can really damper your motions and the mood, especially when you suddenly blurt out "Slot B in Slot C!" Which leads me back to the "every woman is different" thing. Taking into account the Happy Woman and the "She Comes First" aspects, I'm starting to think that maybe it's just me. Where did my mother go wrong? How did I end up eschewing the jewelery, chocolate, perfume and candles scenario? How did my female idea of sex get so warped to lead me to this place, where I would much rather give than receive? Perhaps my mother was onto something when she spent nine months thinking that I was going to be a boy named Michael. Years of therapy might be able to explain why my perfect date would consist of Taco Bell, Guinness and a few romantic hours mashing video game controllers playing Street Fighter, wrapped up with a session of me-on-top, controlling, domineering sex. Maybe I need to just find some like minded women; females who, like their male counterparts who have discovered their inner femininity, have an inner masculinity that they are not ashamed to show. Women who have no desire to bake a wedding cake from scratch or sell a kidney for a Kate Spade handbag. Women who would rather watch Last Boy Scout than be subjected to another Meg Ryan saccharine fest. I think I need to have my hormone balance checked.

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» Michele Shocked Us from scrawlville.com
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» She's Not 'Cathy'. Funny, I'm Not Dagwood. from Thesaurus Rex
I was just reading this post about this post and it got me thinking two things straight out of the box. 1. I hate lists. 2. Never mind, 'cos actually I hate lists. No, seriously, (I'll be here all week folks, try the veal...): 2. If I knew ... [Read More]

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Comments

Weird. My wife would prefer a Nintendo Game Cube to just about anything jewelry wise.

Great post, as usual. Honestly I think it's good enough for syndication. And not in some cheesy MSM Slate or Salon style spot either. I'm talking the uppercrust stylings of... well all MSM is pretty much crap but you get my meaning.

There's not enough of "you's" around. I've found once a woman is a mother her specific interests as far as romance change as well.

After battling the kids all day just some simple quiet screwing off time with no responsibility is enough to get most mothers off.

You're a really cool writer, you have an acute bullshit detector which seems to be an increasingly rare gift amongst people these days.

Your hormonal balance is just fine. What differentiates you from the rest is the unusually-high sensitivity of your BS detector. (And given some of the things that happen in This Modern World, I suspect you spend days, even weeks, with the little needle in full-deflect mode.)

hahahahaha

I also eschew chocolate, jewelry, baking, and window treatments. I have other good qualities, but ... I just am not in that girlie club.

I freely admit that I love (and need) - er - cunnilingus (awful word).

However - if any guy ever said to me that he "licked me the way Pollock painted" - I think my head would literally explode in disgust.

I'm a big fan of just DOING it. Why do we have to talk about it? The greatest lover I ever had was a good lover by instinct and practice - not cause he read a book.

And - as ever, Michele - thanks for the link. :)

Count me in. When I was a little girl, my mother tried in vain to dress me up in little frilly dresses all in vogue in the 50's, only to beat me when I came in, bedraggled, dirty and torn from climbing trees and running through the mud with the boys. She finally gave up.

Right now, I would trade diamonds for a man who can paint my house. @@%$#%$ bad back. Paint 20 minutes, lie down for 10 to put the back back in, get up and paint some more.

And I have to get my daughters to choose colors and all that decorating stuff for me, for the home "nesting" gene was DEFINITELY left out of me.

Elizabeth
Imperial Keeper

my mother tried in vain to dress me up in little frilly dresses all in vogue in the 50's

I thought I was the only one.

LOL@Hubris

my perfect date would consist of Taco Bell, Guinness and a few romantic hours mashing video game controllers playing Street Fighter, wrapped up with a session of me-on-top, controlling, domineering sex.

This is why it's good to be a man...that visual is all it takes and we're done...shower heads need not apply.

Your hormones are just fine.

I guess I straddle the divide...I love chocolates and flowers (hell, my first job at 16 was at a florist, guess it scarred me for life) ... but I loathe the romance genre, had more guy friends then girlfriends, I don't "shop" for pleasure (I'm a kamikaze shopper... I'm on a mission, get out of my way) ... and I love camping, not the least because it offers a chance for some fun wild sex in interesting places.

You're not out of whack, michele. Actually, you'd get along really well with my wife....

I'm totally a kamikaze shopper too. Get in, get the hell out.

I'm totally a kamikaze shopper too. Get in, get the hell out.

Oh thank God.

I thought I was the only woman on Earth who detested shopping...

My theory on what makes a man good in bed?

Be there, totally in the moment, enjoying it with her. No woman wants to the be object of an experiment to see if you can 'get her off'. Sex is something you are supposed to do together. It's a team sport, and nothing is more off-putting than getting the feeling your partner is seeing diagrams in his head or mentally replaying some video he saw in a hotel room.

Women, like men, want to feel like they're special. A man who makes you feel like you're the only one he wants to be with is the one you can't get out of your mind in the middle of the work day when you're supposed to be constructing pivot tables.

Cassandra, red

I have more fun in Home Depot than any number of clothing stores.

:-)

Darleen:

I begin to hyperventilate with excitement when I walk into a Home Depot.

Home Depot, Lowes, I used to get completely lost in Hechinger's, and if we go anywhere with a large garden center my husband just rolls his eyes and wanders off.

He got so sick of me raiding his tool boxes he finally bought me my own - I was the only one who ever used them anyway. It only took 20 years... :)

Count me in as a non-chocolate eating (prefer Doritos), beer swillin', trinketless, commando shopping woman who thinks wrestling is the best foreplay.

Mmm. Wrestling.

and all you ladies are already taken...
dang...dang...dang..

Commando shopping - I call it power shopping. I have a list, I know what I need. I walk into the store and ask the clerk: Do you have THIS? Where is it? I check the price. If it's in my budget, I try it on. If it fits, I buy it. If any of the above questions is answered NO, I'm outa there!
And my husband and I have finally found gifts that we can exchange: weapons - a good shotgun, rifle or pistol...for this we'll browse. Jewelry? Ever tried cleaning cordite and gun oil off jewelry? bah

You honestly have better orgasms from self-stimulation?

Now I'm wondering if I'm really good at sex, or if my wife is just really bad at masturbation.

Damnit! I liked my ego! No fair squishing it like that.

And can I just say how awesome it is that my wife is better at C&C than I am, and that she prefers ninja movies to romantic comedies?

I'm so lucky...

My handbags are straight from Target or Payless, $10 pieces of crap that will probably fall apart under the weight of my massive set of keys within months. The bottom of my bags usually turn into a potpourri of sticky gum, tobacco, half eaten cough drops and pennies that are slimed in a foreign substance. I'm not about to spend roughly $2000 on a bag that will eventually turn into a home for wayward receipts when that $2000 can be used to feed the homeless keep my family in food for a couple of months.

I knew there was a reason I liked you! I can't stand the expensive handbag trends. My mother's been through all of them, Coach and Vuitton and I don't know what all else. I don't understand it at all. All the things one could buy with that money and instead it's spent on a bag? That is insane.

I never read these silly lists. Either they give me a complex about not being feminine enough or they just give me eye strain from all the eyeball-rolling. Feh.

People who cravenly conform to rigid gender-role stereotypes tend to just not be very interesting. Personally, I never could understand why anyone falls for all the hyper-romantic BS. Real romantic moments are not things that can be bought, or manufactured using diagrams and recipes.

The sexiest thing in the world to me is really being there with someone - not just being in love or in lust, but honestly enjoying the other person's company and feeling truly relaxed and comfortable in their presence. Wrestling is good. ;-)

You're not less of a woman because you don't get excited by all the phony crap, Michele. Just the opposite...

I've always been an odd duck. I love jewelery and electronics. I was a tomboy, but liked wearing my dress with puffy sleeves. I can happily spend hours in Sephora or Home Depot. Yes, I'm confused! :) Though I have to admit the one "girly" thing I hate is to have poetry written for me.

I think it all just goes to show that you can't put women in one box -- or book. We're all different bits and pieces that make us "us".

Great post, Michele.

Jewelry would be wasted on me; I don't even have pierced ears. I'm not a big shopper either - of course, the sad state of my finances could have a bearing on that. But I dislike clothes shopping enough (and loathe malls) that I put it off as long as possible and can only shop alone; I can't stand to have someone else tagging along acting either bored or passing judgement on my tastes. However, I love browsing in second-hand stores - the lure of bargains calls to me and I just can't resist.

I'd much rather know a man is honest and straightforward with me...I'd rather hear an occasional "You look great" and know he means it instead of getting insincere, half-hearted compliments. I like to play on the computer or video games and you know what? Fake nails get in the way, so they're out.

I've discovered that the best aphrodisiac consists of respect and trust. Without those, no relationship can thrive.

But I do like chocolate.

Slot B in Slot C? How the devil do you get a slot into another slot? I guess that's how birds do it, you could say, but people need tabs!

Oh now there you go with the hetero-centric remarks again.

Shame on you Mr. Geoghegan...

You obviously are not open to the wonderful world of slots - you need to check your assumptions, sir.

I guess I should have started that last comment, "Joe, you ignorant slot..."

I hate it when I miss a trick.

Cassandra, you're a regular slot machine! A more puerile man would follow that up with a comment about cherries lining up, but I'm just not that guy.

In my defense, Michele was talking about a hetero couple. I'm aware that my defense is weak, and I beg for clemency.

I have to confess, I adore shiny things. I'm like a magpie. But synthetic gems will work just fine (it's the same chemical composition, right?), and I like LED's a lot too (especially the blue ones!).

One thing I've never been able to understand is flowers, though. My boyfriend used to bring them to me every so often and I had to tell him to stop because they just die and I feel sorry for them. Books are much better :) My mom had a fit when she found out, though.

And I don't ever use handbags, except when I have to wear clothing without pockets (for which I stole a large handbag from my mom, that she got free from somewhere or another, that will hold several small books, hahaha)

I would rather get a really top-notch firearm than trinkets anyday.

2000 dollars would buy me the realoading bench, press, and assorted goodies I want, and enough brass, bullets and primers to last a while.

Or it would make a down-payment on a top notch target rifle. Something like a Lazzeroni in 7.82 Warbird. (2K would only be a down payment...)

All this stuff - well not the chocolate - is only to make women more attractive to men, as if a woman needed a man. "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle." Take the money and go have some fun. (Or invest in the stock market.)

that the greatest gift you can give a woman is an orgasm

Well, just to be safe I'm getting my wife a WaterPik six setting shower massager for Christmas.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B000066PXK/002-5803222-3834455?v=glance

Thanks for the help, Michele

ca, I remember the first appearance of blue LEDs, I think in '92 or '93. I had been obsessed with the idea for some time. As it happens, they were like $16, so I never got one.

Zendo Deb, my wife tells me that valuable jewelry used to provide financial security for women when there were fewer jobs available to them. I'm not sure how relevant that is today, though.

I think there must be something primal about jewelry.

I don't quite get it myself, but my spousal unit returns from wherever the Corps sends him loaded down with jewelry and scraps of fabric that I don't dare wear in public - it's like he's decorating me. I haven't quite figured out if this means I am too plain all by myself (yuck) or he just likes adorning me with things he brings home (I guess I can live with that if I have to). Either way, I put them on, and not much else except a big old smile.

And I totally agree with ca - it doesn't have to be expensive - it's the thought that counts.

No, Hubris, you sure as heck weren't. And my mother had a fascination with Shirley Temple, and permed my hair when I was about 7 (I have wavy hair to begin with, looked like I had stuck my finger in a socket). Then it was the dresses, with the little hat and white gloves and patent leather shoes.

Yeck. Damned glad those days are gone.

Elizabeth
Imperial Keeper

I now want to date every … single … one of you. Call me. Seriously. Any of you. I'm not picky.

Michele, I agree that the whole "how can I satisfy my woman" thing is silly, but it makes me think of that old quote. "I don't always know how to please you, O Lord, but I think that the fact that I want to please you pleases you."

Zendo

I don't need a man, but I need my husband. And it's damn fun. (if my girls knew what has happened on the diningroom table ...!) And he's not a cliched man either... His mom told me the story him at age eight, sitting on the couch with his arms crossed, refusing to join little league. He hates sports. But he loves music and electronics and there is little he can't fix.

There ARE gender differences and the more each of us recognize them, celebrate them, understand them and compromise about them the easier it will be to love the other and love ourselves.

Okay Jeff, send me your number and we'll get some coffee.

Darleen:

Amen! Very well said.

Count me among the tomboys. I don't want flowers unless they come with salad dressing and croutons, I had to gently explain to Tom that gifts of jewelry were utterly wasted on me, I can't eat more than a couple of pieces of candy at a time before I feel sick, and I haven't worn a dress since I was twelve. Tom does the cooking and the decorating, because I was born without a nesting instinct; I could live happily in a cave eating raw muskrat if it had internet access. I don't even have a cheap purse- I use a wallet. (The same battered one I bought when I was fifteen, actually.) My major vices are beer, bourbon, and cigars. "Sensual" sex puts me to sleep, not over the moon. I work out with free weights, not a Stairmaster.

If you need your hormone balance checked, I need to go beg my doctor for some industrial-strength estrogen.

I happen to like flowers - I love anything aesthetically pleasing. But then I'm fairly sensual: if it smells, tastes, looks, or feels good, I want more of it.

But everyone's different, and if someone cares about you, they will notice what please you and give you more of that. That's how you know when you've found the right person - he or she notices and cares about what pleases you.

There are lots of traditional gifts that leave me cold - expensive jewelry is one of them. It's totally wasted on me - who cares? For me, the fact that someone took a moment to think of me is more important than the price tag, and the thoughtfulness of the gift matters more.

I'd rather have an inexpensive but imaginative gift than a conventional one that costs a million bucks.

Count me in as a ... , commando shopping woman who thinks wrestling is the best foreplay.

Okay, okay - I admit it - there is chocolate I like (ever heard of Pocky?), and I happen to like jewelry...but only the kind my hubby buys me...he has great taste... Flowers are nice on my birthday; and White Russians are nice on special occassions, but I've never thought of myself as especially feminine - as least not as my mother defined it. I used to go hunting - still love firearms - love getting dirty under a car (a 1969 Mustang would be nice). Then I met my husband and found that a woman who can work a computer nearly as well as he can, is a better shot, can fix her own car, and loves to wrestle in bed turned him on more than a dolled-up airhead in a tight dress. I thought that was a refreshing thing...

but now here all of you are! I'm not alone!

I grew up with the boys in my neighborhood until I was in 4th grade - and they have consistantly been my better friends. Some girls are just to "catty" for me. If my guy friends have a problem with something - they just tell me, and we sort it out.

Wonder if that's got anything to do with it? How many of you grew up with or hang out with your guy friends more?

PJ

The best gift my boyfriend ever gave me was a circuit he designed and put together (in an impressively tiny box) that turned on 4 different-colored LED's according to a graycode. (I collect minerals, and the LED's were to illuminate them.) He put the circuit diagram in the card that he gave to me with it.

The second best gift he ever gave me was a lamp he put together that bolts on to my bedframe and is the best-designed lamp I have ever seen.

Oh, he occasionally gives me books and jewelry and things, which I love, but they don't make me swoon the same way as a homemade present like that. His last present to me was a Perl script. I'm keeping him :)

Let me explain.

The wedding cake thing happened because I am dangerous in the kitchen and a friend told me I should learn to bake. So like everything I undertake, my ambitions immediately overtook my ability and I thought, oh no plain sheet cake for me, I'm going for the biggest, most bad-ass cake of all time. And to my utter, complete astonishment, the cake came out perfectly. The cake did. The decorating wasn't perfect but it was certainly okay and in the end, I figured out that I needed to do more things that I never thought about doing before and to undertake projects that I may or may not be equipped for.

The jewelry... well, some people like it and some don't. I love it.

Handbags. You're killing me here, girl. I love handbags.

Maybe I mis-titled the post. Maybe it should have been "How I learned how to be a happy woman". Of course, all the handbags, tennis bracelets and wedding cakes in the world won't make anybody "happy" but the other things (like having a door to close behind you and breaking up with a guy who is bad for you) really are crucial for happiness.

PJ, you may have a point. My best friends were always boys.

Michele,

You know, in Cuban the word papaya takes on a whole different meaning. And I guess one could say there's at least some eroticism involved.

Michele, I keep telling my husband that you're his real soul mate. Zombies, music, firearms, personality, brunette, video game player. But after reading your post, it seems you have some of the stunning qualities of his own wife (not to mention the Michele with one "L" thing).

PJ-- I'm with you! As a physicist-turned-engineer, I can barely find the other women, much less be friends with them. 95% of my friends are male, and always have been.

That said, I treasure my female friends more than my male ones-- probably mostly because females I can relate to are pretty rare.

I have been reading your blogs for awhile now and am laughing my ass off over this one. Excellent writing.

That is a great idea of the perfect date and I sure don't want to spend $2,000 on a purse. I'd rather go scuba diving. Now that's what excites me. Same goes for the expensive jewelry; however, I do love good chocolate on occassion. I'd also rather spend several hours playing paintball than shopping, but I must admit without trying to be overly crude, that when I come first, I do come forever, which is great but can get tiring after awhile and that's when I want to roll over and get some sleep. Hard to believe that I'd have to ask my man to stop.

Taking care of yourself, making yourself happy is the best thing you can do for yourself and your partner, children, relatives and friends. I know I am definitely a much better person to be around when I'm happy. Just be honest about what makes you happy and follow it. Don't let others tell you what makes you happy. Books like that are mere suggestions, not strict guidelines. Unfortunatley not everyone realizes that which is why books like that keep being written and purchased.

RTG:

I just now read your list and it's fine... I may come up with my own just as mental exercise tomorrow. Or not. If I do, I'm sure someone will hate it :)

Because it's my crazy idea of being a woman.

Not theirs.

And why should anyone want to be someone else's kind of woman? Who needs the aggro?

As I read your list, I was going, "yep, nope... yep... nope...umm...."

The nice thing about being female is that it doesn't come from Better Homes and Gardens or Family Circle.

We get to make it up as we go along. It's about doing what makes you happy, not what someone else tells you you're supposed to want to do because you're female.

Years of therapy might be able to explain why my perfect date would consist of Taco Bell, Guinness and a few romantic hours mashing video game controllers playing Street Fighter, wrapped up with a session of me-on-top, controlling, domineering sex.

No, it just means you're really fucking cool and whatever guy you are riding is a lucky, lucky man.

I <3 video game girls.

I used to be Suzy Corporate, the high power, high pay, high stress, mega bitch. Those were the days of manicures, nice cars, matching shoes and purses... blah blah blah.

Now I live in the sticks. I drive a 4×4 and my husband gives me gifts like a lawn tractor and I LOVE it. I live in jeans, sweats or shorts. I have my own nail gun and miter saw and a host of other tools. What jewelery I own lives in a box and comes out on rare occasions. I still get flowers and sappy cards which I love. But hubs suprising me by cutting down a Christmas tree in 40 below wind chills means more to me than any tennis bracelet or 2000 dollar purse.

My kids are happy, and well on their chosen path in adulthood.

Shopping? YUK, a half hour in a mall and I guarentee you that I'm going to want to smack someone upside the head with my shopping bags. Give me a computer and let me shop at 2am.

My life is almost exactly the way I want it.

Now if the next 196 days would fly by and I could get hubs home from Afghanistan, I'd be one deliriously happy woman.

Flowers. I put them in a wine bottle and then they die and then my cat eats them and throws up on the rug. Where's the romance?

Ya'll should read "Tough Chicks" over at http://www.coldfury.com/index.php. Just type it into the search. You'll laugh hard and realize that there are alot of us out there, and guys do appreciate it.

PJ

Yes, I think that might be it. I have one younger sister, but growing up through 7th grade I lived on a block where the kidgang consisted of all boys and just about 2 or 3 girls (my sister was not the tomboy I was). So while I wore a starched dress WITH a full slip to school (dress code), as soon as school was over and I changed into playclothes, it was OUTSIDE to ride bikes, climb trees, baseball, tag, hide-n-seek, "statue-maker" (how many of you remember that game?) or riding down the hill in my redwagon to spill out at the end of the block without too many scraped knees or elbows.

My best friends have always been guys.

PJ:

While I wouldn't say that my best friends have always been guys, I have always had friends of both sexes.

I find found few people I want to be close friends with in life, anyway, and of those, at least half have been guys.

In school I always had a steady boyfriend, and what seemed unusual (at least compared to my friends) was that I was good friends with my boyfriends and we remained on good terms even after we broke up. I exchanged letters with some for years after I moved away - it was the friendship that lasted even though we both moved on to dating other people. And in HS my best buddy was a guy - my boyfriend didn't mind him at all - we had a standing pizza or sub date every Wednesday night.

Growing up, both my sons seemed to have at least one close female friend most of the time, so maybe part of this is just being open to the possibility.

But I do have two close female friends. They are both remarkable women. We don't see each other a lot, but when we do it's like we were never apart. That's the only kind of friendship I can have - I can't stand being smothered. They're both very busy and so am I, but there's never any jealousy or pettiness - that's why we get along. We can argue - in fact, I disagree with one of my friends constantly - people tease us about it - and it never gets ugly or heated. I treasure them more with every passing year.

I don't get along with many women, but they are really something special.

Hey wow, so many other women like me. I didn't think it was possible.

Best gift I ever got from a boyfriend: a USB hub, complete with installation. Gimmie the gadgets over the jewlery please.

What's Michele doing over in that post?

I think it's a jig!