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a joke walks into a blog...

A font walks into a bar. The bartenders says: "Hey, we don't serve your type in here!" A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says: "Hey, you look like a fun guy!" Humor me. It's been that kind of day.

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Guy walks into a bar with a little Jack Russell terrier under his arm. He puts the dog up on the bar and says, "Hey, bartender, if I can get my dog to talk for you, will you let me drink for free?"

Bartender says, "Sure, buddy. You make that dog talk, all your drinks are free."

Guy looks at the dog and says, "Scruffy, what's on the outside of a tree?

Scruffy says, "Bark!"

Bartender's not impressed. Guy looks at the dog and says, "Scruffy, what's on top of a house?"

Scruffy says, "Roof!"

Bartender turns to walk away. Guys says, "Wait, wait, give me one more chance." He looks at the dog and says, "Scruffy, who was the greatest baseball player who ever lived?"

Scruffy says, "Ruth!"

Bartender beats the guy up and throws him and his dog out on the street. They're sitting there on the curb when Scruffy looks up and asks, "You think I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

Two psychic friends walk into each other on the street. One says to the other, "You're fine. How'm I doin'?"

::groans::

i thiught i was the only gretchen that had ??

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

My favorite: A man walked into a bar. The next one ducked.

A pony walked into a bar. The bartender asked him, "What'll it be?" In a scratchy, barely audible voice, the pony said "Aaaaaaaaaahhhh'll haaaave.. uh....." The bartender said "Come again?" The pony replied "Sorry, I'm a little horse."

An Irishman moves into a tiny village in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his ebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the "Man Who Orders Three Beers." Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?" "Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond." The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the "Man Who Orders Three Beers" became a local celebrity and source of pride to the village, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening; he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers. The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know - the two beers and all......" The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that me two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

Geez all, let's just start numbering these and re-invent another old joke.

(although Michele's first is a new variation of a classic)

Can I number mine 69? Cuz that would so rock!

did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician? he worked it out with a pencil.

There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity of the offspring conceived thereupon. And so it goes that one Indian couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were blessed with a healthy baby son. Yet another couple huddled together on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy baby son. But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus, were blessed with not one, but TWO very healthy baby sons at the conclusion of the nine month interval.

All of which proves the old theorem that: The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

Well, Solonor, you've got 4. But I'm sure we could label one of them joke "69".

Just like one them liberals, trying to bring non-Christian sex into the picture... maybe even dat lesbian stuff!

Dang, should have pre-viewed! Solonor, had the second paragraph fake htmled or elemented from an extreme rightwinger... Hopefully, you know that you are my favorite lefty

A guy walks into a bar.
The bar says "Ow."

When I was fifteen this was the funniest thing I had ever heard.

A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. Bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Man walks into a bar with jumper cables. Bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

Woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre. So the bartender gives her one.

I apologize in advance...

------

Two Irishmen walk out of a bar....
Hey, it could happen!

------

Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, we dont serve breakfast here."

------

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"

Confused, the bartender says no.

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

------

A sheriff walks into a saloon and shouts for everyone's attention. "Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?" he asks.

"What's he look like?" asks one shoddy-looking cowboy.

"Well", replies the Sheriff, "he wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket."

"So what's he wanted for?" asks the same cowboy.

"Rustlin'."

A priest and a minister walk into a bar as the bartender is hanging up the phone. He turns to them and says "That was the rabbi. He said he'll be a little late."

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, bud, why the long face?"

A man walks into a bar and sees a hippo working behind the bar. The man stares slack-jawed as the hippo asks "What'll ya have?" The man stammers "Uh, a beer, I guess." He continues staring as the hippo pours his beer and serves it, so the hippo leans on the bar and asks "What's the matter with you? Haven't you ever seen a hippo tend bar before?" The man says "Oh, it's not that. I just never thought the giraffe would sell the place."

Out of theme,but my fave bad joke:
Why do Eskimos wash their clothes in Tide?

Because its too cold out tide.

Thank you thank you
I used to be a male stripper but I got out of the comedy business!!!

A king and his entourage are touring the kingdom, when they come to a long bridge. An old man tells him to be careful, for the bridge is said to be impassable. A curse was placed upon it, and only by crossing the bridge can the curse be lifted.

The king laughs, but since this is the kind of thing a king should deal with, he sends his knights to cross the bridge. As they reach halfway across, enormous yellow hands reach up and tear the knights, their armor, and their horses to hamburger. Then the hands retreat into the mist below.

The king, being quite pissed off about this and having quite a few superfluous squires about him, sends the squires to cross the bridge. Halfway across, the enormous yellow hands tear them into dogfood.

The king, not one to give up nor get a clue, sends the ladies-in-waiting, the balladeers, his treasurer, his royal guards, and even his hunting dogs all to cross the bridge. Group by group, they all get creamed by those enormous yellow hands.

The old man laughs at the king, which only makes him madder. So he sends his pages, who walk timidly across the bridge before the yellow hands appear. But the hands can't quite manage to tear them up. So they cross the bridge, the spell is broken, and the kingdom never again has to worry about that bridge.

The moral: let your pages go through the yellow fingers.

Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United States when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty-thousand since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on!" We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie
McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no foo-kin way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners!"

__________________________________________________

The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.

"You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously. "Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained.

"Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44, I couldn't find any fucking Frenchmen to show it to."

It's January 21, 2005. A man walks up to the Marine who is guarding the White House and asks the Marine, "May I speak with President Kerry?" The Marine politly tells the old man that the President is George Bush. The old mans says ok and walks away. The next day the old man goes back to the Wite House and asks the Marine, "May I speak with President Kerry?". The Marine tells the old man once again the the President is George Bush. The old man says ok and walks away. The next day the old man once again goes to the White House and asks the Marine if he speak to President Kerry. The Marine asks the old man, "Sir, I have told you now three times that Kerry did not win and the President is George Bush. Do you not understand that?" The old man says "Son, I understand it perfectly...I just love to hear it." The Marine jumps to attention and snaps a salute and says "I will see you tommorrow, Sir!"

A robot walks into a bar and tries to order a drink, but the bartender rebuffs it, saying "We don't serve robots!"

The robot turns to leave, muttering, "Someday you will."

if your french in the bedroom and an italian in the kitchen what are you in the bathroom?

European, ( your-a-peein')

Knock knock...

no wait,

Why did the chicken cross the road?

It was stapled to the punk rocker.

Oh, sorry, we're doing bar jokes.

s'cuse...

A guy walks into a bar and orders ten shots of whiskey.
The bartender lines up the glasses and as he pours the fellow drinks them down, one by one.
As he finishes the last shot the bartender asks, "So, what's the special occasion?"
"My first bl*w j*b." the fellow replies.
The bartender exclaims, "Hell, that deserves another shot!"
"No thanks, if ten shots didn't wash the taste out of my mouth, the eleventh won't help."

Heh. I love it.

A rope walks into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve your kind in here."

The rope goes outside, ties himself into a know, then throws himself on the ground and rolls around until he's completely scuffed up and tattered.

He goes back into the bar. The bartender looks at him and says "Aren't you the rope that was in here a few minutes ago?"

The rope says "I'm a frayed knot."

I wasn't going to play, but it's a boring morning so far.

A blind man with his seeing-eye dog walk into a bar. The man works his way slowly to an open area, then pulls his dog up and starts whirling him around his head.

The bartender shouts, "What are you doing?"

The blind man responds, "Oh, just having a look around."

A traveling salesman is driving through west Texas on a hot summer day, and stops in a small town bar for a beer. He looks around the bar, and over in the corner is a horse standing next to a five-gallon water bottle full of $10 bills. He asks the bartender what the deal is.

The bartender says "Well, it's a little contest we have. Cost you $10 and if you make the horse laugh you get all the money."

The salesman sips his beer for a few moments, then walks over and puts a ten-spot in the bottle. He whispers in the horse's ear and the horse starts laughing. He collects his winnings, buys a round of drinks and takes off.

About six months later, he drives through the same little town and stops in the same bar. The bartender recognizes him and offers a free beer. He looks around, and there's the same horse, with TWO bottles stuffed with bills. He asks the bartender, "Same deal?"

"Not exactly. This time you have to make the horse cry."

So the salesman thinks about it for a minute, then walks over, stuffs a bill in the bottle, then goes to the horse. The horse starts crying. He collects his money, buys a round of drinks and takes off.

Six months later, he stops in the same bar. The bartender gives him a free beer and says "You know, you've won twice already, so you really shouldn't be in the contest anymore." The salesman agrees that it's fair to let everyone else have a chance at it.

The bartender says "So if you don't mind, I'd like to ask how you made the horse laugh and cry."

The salesman says "Well I guess I can tell you. The first time, when I had to make him laugh, I said 'My dick's bigger than yours.' The second time, when I had to make him cry, I showed him."

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his zipper. The bartender asks him "you know you have a steering wheel in your trousers?", to which the pirate replies "aargh . . . it's driving me nuts!"

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.

This is just for you Michele...

What did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

A priest, a rabbi and a duck walk into a bar.

The bartender says: "What is this? Some kind of a joke?"

Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked....... (It's that kind of a day for me, too)

Superman walks into a bar after a hard day of fighting crime, and orders a root beer. The bartender and everyone in the bar is very happy to see him, calling his name and taking pictures, but one guy at the bar has had one too many, and grumpily ignores Superman and mutters to himself.

Superman is almost finished with his root beer when the guy stumbles over to the Man of Steel and shouts, "Hey, you! I slept with your mother!"

Everyone is utterly shocked at this, but Superman ignores him and sips the last of the root beer. So the guy gets in his face and shouts even louder, "Didn't you hear me?! I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!!"

Everyone cringes, expecting Superman to pulverise the guy. Instead, Superman grimly puts down his empty glass and then whispers something in the man's ear. The man thinks for a second, then nods and leaves the bar.

As Superman pays for his drink, the bartender says, "Um, just between you and me, what did you tell that guy?"

Superman smiles, leans forward, and whispers, "I just said, 'You're drunk, Dad, go home.'"

A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. Bartender says "what can I do for you buddy"? and the duck says "can you help me get this guy off my ass"?

Very late to the party, but I'll toss this one at you.

A guy goes to prison. It's his first night, and he's very scared and nervous. When the lights go out, he's crying himself silently to sleep when he hears someone say "27!" And the jail rocks with laughter.

A little later someone says "38!" And the jail rocks with laughter.

Confused he whispers to his cellmate "What's going on?"

"Well, you see," the cellmate says, "we know all the jokes already. We've all told them so many times we've just given them numbers. That way, we don't have to go through the whole thing all over."

So a few quiet minutes go by, and finally the newbie shouts out "69!"

Total silence.

"What happened?" he asks his cellmate. "What'd I do?"

"Eh, you know how it is. Some people just can't tell a joke."

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

John Kerry walks into a bar.

Bartender says, "Why the long face?"

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head "No". Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

You heard about the clumsy optometrist?

He fell into his lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself!

R R R

A grasshopper walks into a bar.

'Hey, we've got a cocktail named after you,' the bartender says.

The grasshopper looks surprised. 'What... Kevin?'

Nobody loves this joke but me. Sigh.

A baby seal walks into a club

A baby seal walks into a club

A chicken and an egg have sex.

Afterward the egg leans back, lights up a cigarette, turns to the chicken and syas, "Well, I guess that settles it."

How appropriate that i just heard this today:

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Any fool can roast beef.

Next one:
What do you call a cow with two legs?

Lean beef

What do you call a cow with now legs?

Ground beef.

You may now return to your otherwise joyous life.

Proof that a cow has 6 legs.

A cow has forelegs at the front, and two hind legs.

Proof that a cow has a million and four legs.

A cow has 4 more legs than no cow.
No cow has a million legs.