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Vacation, all I ever wanted!

Several people have suggested that I need a vacation. Not a vacation from blogging, but a real, honest to goodness vacation with sea and sand and hot body massages and drinks with fancy umbrellas. For my own good, they say. Just go. Take a few sick days, get off your ass and go relax on a sunny beach for a while with your husband, they say. Great, I'll take you up on that suggestion. But here's what I need from you. I'll need one of you to act as taxi for my children. Natalie has drama practice every day after school and needs to be picked up at 5pm. She has model congress on Wednesday nights at 7:15 and Key Club on Monday nights at 7. Both the kids have religion on Tuesday nights, one at 6:15 and one at 7:15. DJ stays after school for homework club on Wednesdays, so someone has to pick him up at 4pm. Also, there will be rides to various friends' houses and the local band show on Friday night, which necessitates a ride home for both of them and five or six of their friends at 11pm. If someone could pick up the slack here at work while I'm gone that would be great. I don't have many vacation days left and as they force us to use our own time while the courts are closed during Christmas break, I need to save what I have. I'm thinking if one of you comes and works for me, they'll never notice the difference. Just wear lots of black and make strong coffee. They'll be none the wiser. Oh, that pile of crap on the desk won't go away on it's own. Do something with those files while I'm gone. Time sensitive! My car will be getting some transmission work done this week. If someone could pick it up on Friday, that would be great. Don't forget to pay Gus. With your own checkbook/credit card, thanks. Then there's that little matter of money. I'll need money for plane tickets, hotel accommodations, food and, of course, the drink you say I so desperately need. That's a lot of cash, I know, but we're pretty tapped out here (don't forget we're new homeowners) and any checks I write for air fare and such will most likely bounce. We were also supposed to start doing work on the home office this week, as it's November and the temperatures are already dipping below freezing and the office windows are about 40 years old, with some panes actually missing. So if you want to go ahead and get started on installing the heating and caulking the few good windows, that would be great. It would be nice to come home to a warm office for a change. Back to the kids, I'll need someone trustworthy to stay with them while we're gone. You must be able to cook decent meals (don't forget Nat is a vegetarian and DJ is a real picky eater), help with homework including earth science, algebra and American Sign Language, get spyware off of their computer, find lost shoes and coats, have a high tolerance for whining and get both the kids to their respective orthodontist and doctor appointments and guitar lessons. And please don't leave any dirty dishes in the sink. I think that about covers everything. So as soon as all you "go take a long beach vacation" people get together and figure out a schedule as to who is covering what, and as soon as a few thousand dollars appear in my PayPal account, Justin and I will be headed for Club Med. Thank a bunch, you guys are swell! Update: It should be stated for clarification that even if thousands of dollars suddenly appeared in my bank account and Mary Poppins offered to watch the kids, it would be very unikely that I would get on a plane and head for the beach, as my near agoraphobia would more likely than not keep me from ever doing such a thing. But I could spread a blanket out in the living room and pretend! Thousands of dollars would buy an awful lot of tequila.


well, I'll volunteer to ferry the kids around and make meals and what not. What's model congress? Is that the thing where all the models get together and hit on me? Yeah, that's probably what it is. And I'm a great cook too. I can whip up really fancy meals, or just throw down some ramen. Picky eaters love ramen, especialy when it's their only choice.

As for the money you need, I can't help with that. Mostly becuase I'm stingy, but also because my salary is 13 cents a day and no bathroom breaks.

Allow me to channel George Carlin:

Just go and leave the kids already! They'll be fine. Hell, this would be an awesome opportunity for them to learn "self-reliance."

As for money - why not a vacation pledge week? Surely you are more well liked than Sullivan...

LOL, that is the funniest thing I've read lately! I so resemble your life (except I home school five kids instead of work.) EVEN down to the fricken windowpanes lacking caulk!!! Man, I see why people get those darn things replaced (which I will never do, because it costs too much, and they just never look as nice.)

and any checks I write for air fare and such will most likely bounce.

What, you don't have plastic?


We can relate: our last real "vacation" vacation was in November, 1993. Sigh...

Just pour yourself a vacation, make the margaritas by the pitcher and buy a package of little umbrellas, spread the blanket in the live-in room make sure the kids are sold into slavery for the weekend (like to your Dad). Sometimes the spring gets a little too tight and clock needs to run but the hands are too tired of the chase.

Long Island, Out East. Near Mattack. Visit the vinards for some free wine tasting. Then visit the Light Houses, Farms and shore. Good picture opportunities there.

Fine. I'll babysit. I'll try to get Deskmerc to help me when I've had too much to drink.

What? A Tropical Paradise theme for ASV is too good for ya, huh!

You know, this very impressive rant COULD be seen as additional evidence of the need for a real vacation.

Please excuse me while I duck under my desk.
In fact, maybe I'll just hang out down there for a while. Anyone else remember that episode of Seinfeld where George took up residence underneath his desk?

You wear lots of black? Go figure.

I was sure you had a "sunnier" "sparkier" wardrobe. Oh well, live and learn.

knew you were a generally fearful person.