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An Open Letter to The Simpsons

homerbroke.jpgDear Simpsons,

I've done it to myself again. I waited in giddy anticipation for you to show up last night. I was all dressed up and waiting to go. Oh, you showed up all right, but I think it would have been better for you to stand me up than to show up with five day old stubble and stinking like a homeless guy who had just peed himself for the fifth time today. You let me down again and I'm writing to finally say my good-bye.

Itís actually been a long time coming. Iíve just been in denial about it because I didnít want it to end. Itís been a wonderful affair, a grand ride on this roller coaster of love and laughs. I mean, weíve been together since 1987! Thatís the longest Iíve stayed in a relationship of this kind. Kudos to you for that, really. You put a lot of work into the early years and I canít blame you for wanting to hang on to the glory. I just wish you could see it from where I stand. Youíve gotten fat and ugly. You let yourself go.

I thought I would give you one last chance to get your act together before I made the big break. Alas, you have given me no choice but to finally detach from the last shreds of hope that were binding us together. I must let you go.

Last nightís effort was, in a word, lame. I thought you would wine and dine me and present me with expensive tokens and bent-knee hand kissing in an attempt to keep me as yours. It wasnít until about 9pm last night, after thinking about it for almost two years, that I allowed myself to come to grips with the reality that you are no longer what I want, nor need. You have become televisionís Tom Glavine, hanging around only because leaving on your own accord would be to admit that youíre past your prime.

Iíve had my longest, most arduous televison affair with you. I would sneak out of a family family functions just to be with you on Sunday evenings. Ah, the things we do for love. And then there are the things we do when that love becomes old and tired because only one person in the relationship is even trying anymore. And try I did.

Ok, Iíll admit that there are other shows that warm the spot you used to have in my bed. Yes, Iíve been fulfilling my lusty need for immature, animated humor elsewhere, courting Family Guy and other Adult Swim residents to satisfy me in ways you just canít anymore.

After last nightís performance, I donít feel any guilt in discarding you without so much as a farewell pity fuck. I'm no longer going to slip into bed with you, and I'm not letting you back in, even if you claim you just want your albums back. Iíve been fooled by you before.

Weíll always have the past seventeen years. Iíll be happy to reminisce with repeats every night at 6 and 6:30 pm, reliving the glory days like a woman masturbating to memories of a long gone lover. I know youíre planning on putting out for at least three more years, but this is one lover of yours that wonít be dropping trou for you.

Good luck, Simpsons, and thanks for the good times.

M

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Comments

FWIW, if you aren't watching Drawn Together, you are missing the funniest thing on TV right now.

Eh, Drawn Together is pointless sophomoric humor with no intelligent subthread.

That being said [adult swim] managed to make me think twice about watching them last night with that whole Squidbillies fiasco.

Lazzo? Buddy? What were you thinking with that Perfect Hair Forever bullshit?

The best animated humor on television right now lies solely with the Venture Bros.

Is The Simpsons still on? I know they still show the reruns every day. Those are pretty good.

Venture Brothers motion seconded.

I thought last night's Halloween episode was far superior to last year's. And I thought last season was pretty good until the ridiculous preachiness at the end of the year.

But, then again, I'm a fucking moron, so what do I know? Hell, I don't even think Family Guy is remotely funny, so you can't trust my opinion.

A) Ouch.

B) Thanks for the gratuitous reference to Tommy Traitor.

C)Let me suggest King of the Hill.

michele - I didn't see it. What was the final straw? Curious...

It just wasn't funny. Nothing more, nothing less. After the downhill slide of the show last year, "not funny" was enough of a straw.

Bah. It'll be better next week.

Drawn Together is uneven, and sometimes uncomfortable, but it does have it's moments:
1) Ling Ling's quest for world domination by causing epileptic seizures in children.
2) getting pushed down the stairs in the Escher room.
3) the princess-bachelorette tangent

Then there's also the constant wondering about when Disney's trademark/copyright lawyers will attack.

They should hire you as a crazy person with a super soaker full of acetone to run around their studio, wiping out the crappy animation cells.

Hey, I thought it had more funny parts than just about anything I've seen on prime time television this year.

The halloween shows are getting worse but I thought there were quite a few good episodes during the year last year.

Thankfully the DVD schedule has shortened from 1 year to six month and Season 5 will be out around Christmas.

Amen, Michele.
For most of the episode I was just embarrassed for them. And THAT is how you know a love affair has ended.

I thought last night's Ep was pretty good for a SToH episode.

For all the ups and downs of the Simpsons, it's still better than anything else on it's sunday night (8 PM EST) timeslot.

On a somewhat related note, Boston Legal has become Sunday's "must see tv" for me. Shatner as Dennie Crane owns me.

Eh, I've even lost interest in buying the next Simpsons DVD set. I love my Futurama DVDs so... oh man, bring back Futurama!

I stopped watching the Simpsons about 3 years ago. They lost their "heart" somehow...the humanity. You look back to season 3 or 4, and you wonder where all the solid storytellers went. Some, like Brad Bird, went on to bigger things... but what about their most prolific writer, John Swartzwelder? His are some of the best episodes. Is he still writing for them? Has he lost his spark?

South Park rules my heart now, when I am looking for Adult Irreverent humour.
I love watching Futurama on [adult swim].

"Hell, I don't even think Family Guy is remotely funny, so you can't trust my opinion."

I can.

Michele,

I agree. The Simpsons Halloween XV was about 1/4 as funny as the old ones. However, it was still 3 times funnier then anything else on t.v. Part of the problem is that the previous seasons have set the bar so high, it's very disappointing when they come down to earth.

I have to agree, Michele. I usually end up not watching The Simpsons these days, not so much out of a conscious decision, but just because it's no longer much fun and I rarely feel the urge to seek it out. It has gone to seed - it's probably best for all concerned that we don't continue to tell it how beautiful it is...

Venture Brothers is home to the best rock star mullet ever.

Family Guy is like watching animated Tourette's Syndrome.

It's an interesting dichotomy - either we are disappointed when a show we like gets cut down in its prime, or when we see it slowly wasting away from the terminal disease of BTDT. Why do we give up on entertainment when it's not good anymore? We don't stop hanging around family members just because they become senile - we continue to cherish and support them, because we know they need the love.

What about TV shows? Don't they need love even when they become lame? Where is our humanity? How have we become so hardened that we're ready to discard those beloved treasures the minute they become stale or start trying too hard? Why aren't we all watching the Simpsons with practiced sympathy, carefully wiping the drool sliding down its chin?

America is so heading in the wrong direction.

I know where you're coming from, Michele. I haven't watched The Simpson's for a couple of years now. It's over, been over.

Ok, feeling real stupid here...when/where is Venture Brothers on?

After last night's episode, the first thing I thought was:

"Oh crap, is Michele ever going to lay into them now!"

a different Bill:

Saturday nights on Cartoon Network at 11:30 EST/10:30 CST.

The season ended last week but they are running through it again. In fact, if you can catch it next week you'll come in on the ground floor so to speak.

There is no greater show on television these days IMHO.

And, strangely, the boys at Williams Street didn't have a hand in it. Noodle Soup is the company that produced it and, given Williams Street colossal attempts at hitting the 'new thing', it's going to be a while before it has any serious competition.

Weíll always have the past seventeen years. Iíll be happy to reminisce with repeats every night at 6 and 6:30 pm, reliving the glory days like a woman masturbating to memories of a long gone lover. I know youíre planning on putting out for at least three more years, but this is one lover of yours that wonít be dropping trou for you.

right ... the Simpson's suck like Sean Hannity - now, more than ever - but this comments section has lost sight of the more important topic introduced by Michele - female masturbation. :)

Ah, well, the Simpsons are responsible for the phrase 'cheese eating surrender monkeys' - for that they'll always have a special place in my heart - if not on my Tivo.

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Sigh. All the heart went out of the Simpsons a long time ago. I really just watch it out of habit. When does American Dad start?

Oh, and what the Holy Hell was up with Adult Swim last night? I've seen a couple of people mention the Squidbillies fiasco, but Super Milk-Chan? That was friggin awful!

Gee, and to think I missed it because I was out with friends seeing The Incredibles. A great film, fun for adults, fun for their inner children. Oh, and the apparent birthday party or something with about 40 screaming munchkins that hit the theater loved it too, but it is adult safe. You'll leave with as many brain cells as you showed up with, they'll just be happier.

Oh, and no capes.

That Homer pic is making me so sad.

I mourn the passing of the Simpsons funny. And go back to my Futurama and mourn its passing, too. But 4 seasons' worth is decent. So I'm not complaining too much.

I've heard that The Simpsons now sucks for about the last ten years. I've barely watched since Troy McClure lost his voice, so maybe I wouldn't know. But if it's as bad as you guys say it is, who the hell is watching? Is it like the latest Star Wars movies, where people will see it just to remember the good times and piss on the present? Are you waiting in long lines at your televisions, in vintage "Don't have a cow, man" tees, holding out hope that you won't get taken again?

Why not become Cubs fans? At least then you'd get some sun.

Call me crazy, but last night's Simpson was the funniest one in about three years. I have hope this season will be great for the first time since about 1999.

Drawn Together rocks my socks. I love sophomoric humor. And last week when Toot pushed Princess down the stairs, trying to force her to miscarry, I nearly pissed myself laughing. Then when she did it in the MC Escher room I had to change my pants for real.

Doh!

Arrested Development is my new comedic TV indulgence.

I missed the episode (I'm home on R&R right now), but I have no regrets. I gave up the Simpsons after the Kim Basinger, Ron Howard, Alec Baldwin episode.

Damn Michele, you are one emotional, drama-loving, long-winded chick.
(but I love ya anyways)
Doh

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Apologies for spamming your comments with this message.

I really wish Fox would put a bullet into the Simpsons...its done already. They need to bring back Family Guy which is extremely funny and make to keep Futurama going. Another funny cartoon is Johnny Bravo (watch for "adult" gags snuck in) on Cartoon Network. The new series has some very funny episodes in it.

Fox is bringing back Family Guy.

There's 13 new episodes being made right now and are slated to air on Fox early next year.

This according to Fox's Family Guy "official " website.

You can check it out at:

http://www.fox.com/familyguy/index.htm

I live in a no-TV no-way now-or-ever-free zone, but I was baby sitting with my savvy seven year old granddaughter whose TV watching is severly restricted. Knowing that the Simpsons is inexplicably on the okay to view list, we watched it one evening.

I was stunned that the episode had Homer selling his kids for beer money. During the commercial I asked GD if she realized that this program was a silly cartoon and her daddy would never sell her for anything.

She looked at me as if I were crazy, and said: Grandma do you think my parents would let me watch this if I didn't know it was just for fun?

Seven years old and already has the wisdom of the ages.

I wonder if the producers of the Simpsons and a lot of other so-called entertainment vehicles are sorry they have these installment in the can already. There's a new clean wind sweeping the land and vulgarity and violence are out.

We've been trying to go to the movies for months. Absolutely nothing. The new Richard Gere film might have been something we'd take a chance on, but he's on our no-no list.

That list got a lot longer after this campaign. Hey we're fair and balanced. A mea culpa and we're back on board. Ball's in your court leftwing big mouths.

I have to admit that Drawn Together is one of the sickest yet funniest shows on television. Comedy Central keeps pushing the envelope with each new show - I have a feeling it'll probably go too far, but I'm enjoying it while it lasts.

Still, for topical humor, nothing beats South Park - despite all the sick jokes, it's not afraid of being relevant and really groundbreaking. Sorry, but a political debate between a giant douche and a turd sandwich (with an olive no less!) is my definition of good comedy...

But I'm a wacko that way...

My kids grew up with the Simpson. I haven't watch them in years. Now I watch SpongeBob SquarePants with my grandson. Now, that is a toon!hehehehe

What? No re-runs. Cold turkey calling it off? Heresy, says I.

For pity's sake, the early shows were brilliant. You can't throw it all away because the last couple of years haven't been up to your high standards. Have you seen what else is out there. The Simpsons are still a catch compared to most of the available tripe.

And the years of casting about willy-nilly for your next great relationship will damage you. You know I'm right. You're too old to find another show. Don't throw it all away.

(Having been there, I know what the Simpsons would say if they could answer your complaints.)

Regards.

South Park is--as it always was--uneven in quality, but at its best it is still as funny as anything around. "Justice League" erred, IMO, when it went back to writing plots that would fit in one-half hour episode (the two-part episodes they used for the first two seasons were, IMO, among the best cartoon shows ever produced), but they're still fun to watch. Alas, "Samurai Jack" has apparently finished its run--it was one of the more watchable cartoons out there.